The bad daughter

Sometimes, I feel like I am the bad daughter. I already know that when my Mom is old that I won't take care of her. Or at least I am pretty sure that I won't. I don't think it would be good. I barely see my Mom and sometimes I have to wonder did I do something wrong? Why is my Mom the way she is? Why can't she choose to pick up a phone or choose to know her grandsons?

Then, there is my Dad. He used to be an over the road truck driver and can't anymore because of health. He is calling on me and my sister more for little things and sometimes just someone to sit with for coffee. It's always about him. What's wrong with him or how his wife drives him crazy.I love my Dad. I love him more than my Mom because he has been there. But sometimes, I am mad at him. I am mad that he praises my Mom. I am mad that I get lectured that I should get with my Mom. I am mad that he checked out of my life long enough not to notice that I was needing him. I am mad that my whole family chose to go on and if nothing happened. I am mad that he still only has eight grandchildren. He has nine! But when he did for the moment or two claim Izzy has his grand daughter, I was mad. Suddenly, he was the devoted grandfather that wanted to meet her. Hello? She was sent to live with strangers who became her family and their family became hers. I am mad that I have to fight depression of all the time. I have my coping tools that keep it down but not if I skip a day because he wants to have coffee. I am working full time again and the days that I don't go to the Y, sometimes, I still don't want to go have coffee. I want to relax at home or go hang out with my friend. Or I want to hang with my family. I feel like I am the bad daughter. I should just get over it and be the good daughter to my parents. But I am still angry that they failed me for years. Oh and by the way, two of those grandchildren are not even blood. They are my step brothers kids. He raised him so I can see why he claims them. But it still pisses me off. I feel bad for just expressing these thoughts. I could never tell my Dad these things. I know that I should be good. He didn't mean to fail his kids. He didn't want to walk away but he did. And left my Mom with four kids and didn't pay attention to how we were being raised. So, I am mad and sometimes I am tired of playing nice and don't want to sit for coffee.

I love Facebook. I don't know if I ever blogged about how when I went back to high school, I had an crisis counselor looking after me. He would check up on me from time to time and really was a support system to me. I have never forgotten what he did for me. He went beyond his job. He set up for a counselor to come see me at school, because my Mom had failed to do anything about seeing that I had help. Maybe I am a geek but I liked the attention that I was getting. In a small way, it was annoying because I felt like I was being watched but I really think he played a part in me making it through that first year. Guess what? I found him on Facebook. I think of him more often around the time of Izzy's birthday..

In his list of friends, was the name of the teacher that home schooled me. Her name was Liz. She helped me with my school work for six weeks. She also paid attention to me. My locker was right across the hall from her room. The day after I learned that my daughter's family had moved, my cousins girlfriend started to yell at me and she had to break us apart. I normally wouldn't have stood up, but I had had enough and she started something on the wrong day. I got to talk to Liz and they let me sit in with her classes for a few hours. I will never forget what they did for me. Maybe now I can tell them how much they meant to me. Wow!!! I am excited!!

I want to continue from yesterday.... When I left the church, I was happy that I got the job, but no where the amount of happiness I felt when I started volunteering for Meld. I went from happy to pretty darn sad.
I had a choice though. I could sit around the house and hang on the computer or go do something. I chose to go to the Y. I walked, I swam, I lied in the sun and swam some more. The exercise gives me strength to make it through the day. Relaxing in the sun, gives me sometime to just rest my mind. Well, for the most part.
From what I understand about the kids that were there is that it will most likely be the same every week. Once in a while, there maybe a child that pops in because they are with an member of the church. I think I was sad because there weren't any girls and the likely hood of girls being there is slim. I wouldn't want to walk into a room with five girls but can't there be at least one? I love little girls and I have to wonder is this another crazy joke that God is pulling on me?

A couple days ago, my husband was telling me how the neighbor girl is always looking at my dolls and shocked that I actually change their clothes. He said that sometime that I should maybe let her help me. I said, I don't think I could do that. I think I would cry. If it was in a setting with five other kids, I wouldn't have time to think or feel. It would just be a thing to do and a memory. However, if it's one on one with my doll. I think it would be harder. It's not that I couldn't do it. I just don't know if I am ready for it. Dolls to me represent something that I have lost with my daughter and will never get back.

It's not that I can't be with little girls. It's just still kind of hard. I really got used to this other neighbor girl and she moved. So, I am afraid of getting comfortable and close and then poof they are gone.

Overall, I was really sad. Meld has been mostly boys this past ten week session. Then, I get a little paid job of babysitting and it's all boys. It won't change how I take care of them. I won't even daydream of little girls because there wouldn't be time for that. I don't want to be a little girl's Mommy. I lost that chance years ago. I just want to be able even if it's only for a moment or two to experience some of the girl moments. I want to run my fingers through a little girls hair. I want to hold a little girl in my arms as she falls asleep. I want to comfort her when she is cranky. I want to rub her back. I want to see a little girl in a dress and tell her how pretty she is. Just for a moment, I want to experience what it might have been like to be a Mom to Izzy. Only for a moment though. Any longer would be allowing myself to feel too much happiness. I would love every moment of spending time with the little girls. However, I never if I can just be happy to lived that moment or if I will be sad, because I will never be the person the little girl seeks out when she wants her Mommy.

I got the job

I went to the church for what I thought was an interview and it was more of here are the kids and see what you think. I was with a volunteer from the church. They have a two person child safety rule. I think it's an great rule and I think more places should do the same.
It was boys! All boys and they were full of energy. They ranged in ages from under one to 4 and half years of age. After, the kids were gone, the person in charged talked to me about what I thought. I liked how a few of the older kids had name tags and it would be great if all of them had their name on them. Sometimes, it's hard to remember them at first.
They mentioned that they didn't have time to read the letter or follow up my references. Also, they had to do the background check still. However, they went into the pay part of it. I get paid once a month. So, for eight hours of work, I get 100.00. I think that's pretty fair. I am suppose to go back next week. So, I am officially employed by a church. It's kind of weird. Because my background has always been that church makes me uncomfortable. It wasn't until we had marriage counseling that I started to actually feel comfortable and safe in them. I will never forget the day that I told Pastor K that I thought the head pastor looked like Bob Barker from the price is right. He said, that he would never think of him in the same way. Poor guy.

I was a little surprised by my emotions following the babysitting. It shocked me and I need some time before I can process it enough to share.

I ended up at the Ymca and walked around the track and then did swam laps. Then, I lied in the sun and then went swimming in the main pool.

To be continued......

babies!!

Tomorrow, I have an meeting about the Nursery attendant job on Sunday's. I am excited! I sent off a few references and some information about myself. I didn't keep out the fact that I am a birthmom. I know that I need to try to be more real. The sooner people know the less guilt I have for not telling someone. I hope I get it. I am a little afraid that I might be pushing myself too hard. I am working five days a week and volunteer once a week. So, if this works out, I won't have any days off. I like taking care of the elderly but there is something so awesome about the innocence of of a baby or toddler. It's so fun playing with them and teaching them as you go. I love watching the children grow. I miss having nieces around to play with and this is the next best thing.

Eldery people are not kids

I went out to lunch with my friend and a couple times I was distracted by old people. I have been taking care of them for almost 4 years so I can't help but observe them. I think too often the elderly get their basic rights taken away from them. Most of it, I think is for their safety and it's done out of love. The other part.. well I think it's controlling or your just not thinking how this might make you feel if you were the old one.

I seen two different tables with old people. The first old women said that she wanted salad and a sandwich.. the lady that she was with told her you always have this and this and not that.. And basically just made her get what she told her to get. Unless there is an issue, as in medical issue, I don't see any reason not to let her order what she wanted. I think people just get too controlling.

Another table, brought an old lady in by pushing her in by using the chair of the restaurant. Buy a wheel chair. They are causing more of a scene buy doing it their way. Then, they made her drink out of a kid cup. Maybe spilling is an issue but there has to be a better way.

These are just a couple of examples that I see. A lot of times, I see my clients family be way to controlling and I think it degrades the client. I just wanted to blog about this because I don't think people really think about how they treat them.

Last night, I left my purse at my clients home. So, I went to go get it before my shift started because I was afraid of the thoughts of someone taking my bank cards.
My client had a friend visiting her and I said, "I know you" She asked my name and I gave her my maiden name because I just knew that it was from when I was young.
It was the principal of the school that I graduated high school from. I went to an alternative after I finished the 9Th grade. I was there for three years before I finished. I had the chance to go into the Ged program but I was only 16 and didn't see the rush. She started asking me if I was in contact with anyone. I said that I was in contact with Pam. She was my math teacher. Pam has been more like a Mom to be than my Mom. I really value our friendship. So, the the principal calls Pam to tell her who was with her. Then, she puts me on the phone to talk to Pam. I should take advantage of Pam more and seek her out more. She even said that. I love it that she asks about my kids one at a time and doesn't forget to ask about Izzy. In most cases in my day to day life.. I am still in the dark. I don't have too many people that I can talk to. Also most don't bother to ask me questions.

On the way back to my clients, I got to thinking of my high school years. As far as I am aware no one knew about Izzy. I know Pam didn't know. However, this school was way better than any normal public school. I wasn't just a number. Pam was my favorite teacher but several teachers really showed how they cared for their students. The average size class was ten or so students so they could invest the time to really know the students. I kind of wonder if I would have made it through those years without the support from the school. Now, that I am thinking of it.. one person a school counselor did try to talk to me about my adoption experience but I wasn't interested. She wanted me to talk to another student about adoption and I wasn't going to open myself up like that. But other than that.. this school provided me with attention and I believe love that my Mom was unable to show at that time. I think teachers have the most awesome job and can make a difference in someones life. I wouldn't be blogging about them if they treated me like a number.

Do you all want to hear a funny story? I will pretend you all said yes. My son asked me a question about do I remember how I felt when a friend was over and did this or that.. I was honest with him and said that I just didn't have that many friends.
I told him that I moved around a lot and wasn't really liked. I guess I was a geek. The only friends that I could have were the ones who were geeks too. I was in the 7Th grade and I made friends this one girl. I don't remember her name. Let's call her Jane. So, anyways, after I hung out with Jane enough.. I just didn't like her.I don't recall why. I just didn't desire to hang with her. I just didn't know how to tell her so. I guess I was okay being alone if it meant putting up with someone that I didn't like.
I can laugh about this now. Well, anyways, I told my older sister that Jane said that her and her friend Chris were a bitch. I didn't understand the outcome of saying such a thing. All I knew was that maybe it would make Jane go away. Well, my sister and her friend Chris were hot!! I told them and the next day Jane wanted to come over and I let her. My sister and her friend were home and was going to beat her up for calling her a bitch. I didn't like the girl but I didn't really want her beat up. I wasn't mature enough to handle this situation with my friend. Only when it became real to me that my sister was going to fight her did I speak up. I had to tell the truth. So, my sister didn't beat the girl up and Jane quit being my friend. Then, I told my son.. do you think this is why I didn't have many friends growing up. haha
However, I think the moral of my story and telling it now is that as a 7Th grader, I couldn't handle a situation with a friend and as a pregnant 8th grader, I couldn't handle that situation.

I started to read a blog that was written by a Mother. Her daughter was young and pregnant and choosing adoption even thought they were willing to help her. I know in the end.. the Mom to be even though young has the final say but it leaves me with one question.. Why can't family be enough? Especially if you were being raised in a good family? Why are they not good enough to help you. Adoption for most birth parents isn't something where your sad for a year and they go on to lead a normal life.. There is a lot of depression and self esteem issues for some. We tend to live with a case of the what if's and why didn't I do this.. I could have done it.. I am speaking from my experience and some other blogs that I have read. Adoption isn't the easy answer. It's not going to always be the best choice. If there is support and it's good support. Take it and run. Be a mother to your child, because I can tell you that you will feel like a mother even though your not and it hurts.If you choose and allow someone else to be your child's parent.. you are probably going to feel a lot of anger, jealosy and deep sadness. It doesn't mean that the adoptive parents are good to your/their baby.. It will be more about the fact that you are not his or her Mom. So, if your thinking about adoption and support is there.. really think hard. Don't assume you know how your parents feel. Ask them. Really consider raising your child.I have heard plenty of people regret their choice on adoption but never once have I heard anyone regret their choice to be a Mom.

Meld

Tonight, was the end of my second ten week session of volunteering for Meld. This session hasn't been as great because some of the babies... cried for their Mommies too much! The Mom's were not as regular as the last Mom's. Some of the Mom's from my first session were and I got the pleasure of seeing their kids again and again. It's amazing watching them grow. There was one little boy tonight who I realized how his language has really taken off. There really weren't any regular girls babies this time around. Even my helper (volunteer) wasn't very regular. She only showed a few times. I didn't really like her all that much. She was afraid to change the babies because she was worried about catching hiv from them. The majority if not all the kids have been black and I have to wonder if she would have said such a thing if they will white. The driver (a guy) ended up being my helper and he did a much better job.
I really love volunteering. It does something for my self esteem. It makes me fight the urge to cry about how sad I am at times over adoption. It makes me feel that I am doing something good. In a small way, I am helping young Mom's become better parents.. helping them remain a family. How awesome is that?
I honestly love the change from taking care of the elderly to the young. I love my job but can you imagine having five or six kids to play with and love on and then you go home? My sons are ten and fifteen. I love the toddler years. If I could have froze my children at 2 or 3 I would have. The smiles on the babies and toddlers face is priceless. You can not buy it. I think what Meld doesn't know is that they are doing me a favor.
I am down 30 lbs and it's running side by side with this program. I don't think I could have one without the other. I will be signing up for the next ten week session if they will have me.
Also, I meet with this church to talk to them about a paid babysitting job on Sundays. I will get to play and get paid. Sweet. It makes my sad days a little brighter.

It's getting close to the end of the second ten week session volunteering for Meld. I still love it but some of the kids have really been clingy to Mom's and they haven't been staying. I still love going and believe that I am doing a good thing. When I started back in April, I was so out of shape. It has really motivate me to work out more and I am down 28 lbs and no longer struggle to get down to the level of the children.
I think I might have a part time babysitting job through a local church. It's 2 hours every Sunday and I would get 25 a week. I would work along a volunteer and be in charge. I am excited. I am suppose to send him some references and send him some information about me. It's not a lot of money but it's more than I would work if I went to work taking care of the elderly for a two hour shift. Isn't that sad? I am a little nervous about taking on a new job though. I don't want to give up volunteering for Meld. I believe too much for what they stand for to quit. I am no longer on unemployment because I am working about 34 hours a week now.If I take this then I won't have any days that I won't be taking care of the elderly or young kids. Also, this would effect my oldest son Alex on the weekends he is home. He would be babysitting my little son, but then again, maybe I could bring him. If I do it. I would like to think of this money as play money.. So, I could use that to help my son feel better about me being gone. So, it could help pay for a movie, lunch, ect...
I am going to sit on this for a couple days before I send the information in the mail. I want to be upfront and honest about who I am. I even got to thinking that this could be an possible way to connect to other birthmom's because ya know everyone always knows someone. I do fear sharing that information, because I don't want people to think bad of me.

Today, when I arrived at work, my client was sleeping. My coworker who I really don't know that well got to talking. I mentioned something about my son and she asked how old he was.. I said ten. She seemed shocked that I had a son that old. So, it was a perfect chance to say.. I have a 18 year old and a 15 year old and talked about the adoption of my girl. We didn't get to talk too long, because our client woke up but it felt right. Why shouldn't I start sharing my story with people in real life. She mentioned a cousin who is a birthmom and how she didn't know until many years later and how her son found him. I think there are birthmom's out there but no one is talking. It's just not an easy subject.I am glad I did though. Because my daughter should be counted. She is just as important as my sons. No more. No less.

I read a post about protecting privacy of our children when it comes to blogging. It made me do some thinking and I will continue to think about it. For the most part.. I kind of feel like hey this is my story and I will share it if I want to but then I know it's not all about me. I really am not worried about people that I do not know reading. I don't use real names and you all don't know me. For all you know, I am a good story teller. This story could have been a good work of fiction. But it's not. It would make me sad if everyone quit blogging about the journey's in life. So, while, it got me thinking... I don't think I will quit. Honestly, I am more worried about people who do know me reading my blog and then thinking poorly of me. I wouldn't want anyone to think I am a nut.

I didn't experience much of a childhood. I didn't have any friends past the 4Th grade. I really missed out on some fun things. My kids are so spoiled and don't even know it. After, having a child and losing them to adoption... for me personally, I was done trying to have friends for the most part. I didn't try. I didn't get many experiences hanging with friends.
Today, my son got in free at a water park. It was a prize for reading in the summer reading program. Stephen, my youngest, has really worked me into trying to do some of these fun things. My oldest son always had Dad around.
Back in 2006, I visited Great America for the first time. When I seen that Stephen wasn't scared to go on some of the scary rides.. I went. No major rollar coasters though.
I am a person who is scared to go down the water slide at the Ymca. Today, I acted like a kid. We went on all the scary rides and had fun. Stephen is more like me than I know. He is so comical and has a sense of humor like mine. He kept asking me if I wanted to change my mind and I would say no. We were on this belt thing..seeing the highway and he tells me that there is no turning back now. I had a blast. But I screamed all the time.. It was so fun, I want to go again. Even though my butt hurts. I swear they charge lots of money to abuse us.

Then, when I got home, I got a call from Meld. ( I had arranged for the night off) They had six babies and the only person there was the Meld driver who is a male. Don't they know that the babies want their Momma's and if they can't get Momma's they want girls. haha.. I didn't have to go but they had babies and I left right away to go play.

I had a really good day. Sometimes, I just need to play more.

I don't like it when people uses God's will and adoption together and then also say that a full reunion will happen if it's God's will. Always made me wonder what I did to God to make him so pissed. So, if adoptive couples think God's will has something to do with you finding a women who has to place a child for adoption. And if an adoption doesn't happen does that mean that they pissed God off? haha.. I guess that's why even though I do like Church that I don't buy into the God's will thing.. I screwed up. I didn't know my rights. God didn't have anything to do with it. A set of twin girls died in Chicago due to the parents neglect. If God can't save those two girls... he doesn't have time for adoption. Maybe he was taking a coffee break.

just thinking...

I been thinking some about counselors at adoption agencies and do or can they really give unbiased information. Most people want the place that they work for to do well and make money? Get my drift? If the counselors do a job that isn't biased it could result in less money for the company and chances of layoffs.
I been thinking about how even in my job that sometimes I have chances that I could increase my income. Sometimes, it's just by doing my job. If I can prevent a fall that could lead to an injury.. I keep making money.. but in the case of some blind clients that I have had... if I do my job to help them learn how to do things on their own then I lose out on a client and possibly an income.I know this from experience where a client learned how to do many things and needed less of our service. Good for her and bad for us..
Another example how it could come into play is that I have had an nurse asking me questions about a client to see if they will pay for long term care.. this could easily be a way to make things sound way worse than they are. I didn't of course.. and I suppose they would be taking much more than what I said into consideration.
I just thought it's kind of interesting how I have found myself in situations of doing a good job didn't always suit my best interests in the moment. However, I believe that I have put the needs of my client as a person, above my gain. Even though, it stinks that if my client no longer needs me that I end up waiting for new clients.. I know I can sleep at night. So, I hope people that are there for the women who are working for adoption agencies can sleep at night.

Hey all... I spend a lot of time reading all kinds of blogs and writing in my own. I try to be supportive to people. I started to follow, read and comment more on people trying to adopt. Sometimes, it's the high's and lows that keep me interested. I guess, I mean the drama. I don't mean that in a mean way. What I mean.. is the suspense of it all. How fast things can change. I honestly don't know if I would be so interested if I knew people in real life. I try to be supportive and wish you all well but honestly there has only been a couple adopted Mom's to be that I really connected with and hoped for an adoption. It's not easy to have that hope because for me.. it's like wishing someone loses their child. It's like hoping someone experiences pain for someones gain. I know it's a bitter thing. Someone's life is changed for the good and someone's is changed for the bad. I know. I know. It maybe the best for the circumstances some women are in.
However, with all that said.. I have been trying to be more supportive of the birthmother's. I feel that is where my support should be. It's not that I can't read and comment on adoptive parents blogs, but if I am going to comment and try to support then it should be with birthmother's. Because the road a birth mother must travel on after parting ways with her child is very lonely.
Sometimes, I have felt that in some cases, that it's not easy to relate to the birthmother's with open adoptions. I can see why they are upset about this or that but I don't know how to handle an open adoption.. so I am not likely to give advice. Sometimes, I have felt like I am unique as a birthmother because we are all very different. Three are birthmothers that are very anti adoption. I try not to come off that way. Also, their are birthmothers who are very pro adoption to the point of speaking about how wonderful it is. I am not there either. But anyways, I am me. I am a birthmother and I will continue to be more supportive to other birthmom's. I really wish I knew some that live in my area. I was given some ideas from an adoptive Mommy that I need to explore more.

Dear Izzy

It's almost your birthday. You are going to be 19 years old. I am sure you already knew that though. I have never went a day without thinking of you. Your birthday is no exception. I always have taken it off. I feel like it's a special day and yet a hard day. I really don't like to add the stress of work. It's so amazing that for this birthday your more than just an image I had in my head. You are more than a memory of baby that never grew up.
I have had the pleasure of learning some things about you. We have a lot in common and also have our differences. I think we look quite a bit alike. It's weird looking at a picture and seeing how beautiful you are. Does that make me conceded? lol I have really enjoyed seeing your pictures and learning more about your life. It was always so hard not to know that you were safe and loved. From what I can tell you are a very responsible girl. You graduated from high school and work. You have opened up your heart and life to me and my children. I hope someday we all can meet. That is when you are ready.
As I was saying, your birthday is coming up. I can't believe that I can actually celebrate it with you. Even if that's just an electronic message. It wasn't easy making the decision to contact you. It's not all about me. I hope it's been a good thing for you. I never stopped loving you. You beautiful. Your sweet. I am proud to have you as a daughter. Even if it's not as the same as raising you. I have never once thought been sad that you were born. I was sad that you didn't were not in my life. I don't expect you to share the same feelings. You can be happy in who you are. Love always,

Tonight, I went to volunteer at Meld. I really love it. But it hasn't been the same this time around. One, my helper, the other volunteer doesn't show up on a regular basis. She said that she just went from unemployed to working a full time job and her part time job. So, I do kind of understand. I went from getting zero hours to going full time again. It's good but also not a easy thing to do. Also, there has been less Mom's. There isn't less Mom's because less are having babies, but less because they are not showing up as much or they are not bringing their kids. I know it's good that they are being independent and don't need to rely on volunteers. But my thinking is if enough time goes by without kids that the volunteers wouldn't sign up again. I don't want to just go in case, I am needed. I want to be needed and used. Use me. lol I still do love the children that come in.
The man that runs the program was there and I asked if I was allowed to take their picture. I really want to document these days somewhere other than blogging. I would love to add some picture in my scrapbook. He said that if they signed the waiver it's ok. He said, that he would let me know which ones did.
It was kind of cool that when the volunteer seen me.. she seemed shocked. She can really see my weight loss. I haven't been around too many people so it's nice that someone noticed.
My oldest son is staying with me for five days but today, he asked if he could spend the night at his friends. We went swimming and just happened to be in his neighborhood. I know it seems silly to have him with me and to allow him to go to his friends. But these are the things I want him to be able to at least ask me. I don't want him to miss out on some teen fun just because it's Mom's weekend. I don't buy him much, because my first husband and I each have one child and we don't pay child support. However, once in a while, I try to buy stuff because I don't want to make him feel like he can't ask me. So, this weekend, I made a deal that I would buy him a cheap game if he did something for me and I bought him a tshirt. Also, I have started to make him aware that it bugs me that he always has to change the radio station. I want him to think of other people.
On Saturday night, while I was at work, the kids and my husband set up a tent and the kids slept in there. It was funny because they had the tv and other electronics. They were real men. lol I wish I got some pictures of them. It was nice that are yard was used.

I added this cool thing on my blogs to see where people are coming from. I seen it on another blog and thought it was cool. I took it a step further and put my picture in it. It wanted me to link with FB and silly me didn't know that it would leave my profile up for people to search me out. I might or might not really work on it to remove it. I really try hard to not mix bloggers with FB. Let's face it. I put a lot out there and it's a trust thing. I do have a few bloggers that I have been connected with for quite a while and we are friends.. I don't talk about adoption on FB.

I seen an news story in time. It started off talking about all an adoptee wanted to search for her first family and had tried but hadn't had any luck until she got on Facebook. It also mentioned that she found her son on myspace when he was of legal age. It started off as a nice story.

Then, it went into how social networking is a concern for adoptive parents how a birthmother who has regets could contact the child without permission. It upset me because how come they can't just for once.. talk nice about adoption.. why can't it be about the good things..

Another thing that I thought was kind of sad is how the adoptee became a birthmother. Is this a result of just the normal odds or is she more likely to choose adoption because she has first hand experience. It's kind of sad to me to see generation after generation being apart because of adoption. This of course is my thoughts and I understand that some people might not feel the same.

hot tubbbbb

I used to love to hop in the hot tub after my workout at the ymca. It was a relaxing experience. It could take away my aches and pains. (not that I have many) It could make a bad day turn into no worries. I just loved it. Then, the ymca made a decision to close it down.

I just found a 8 person hot tub for sale at a car lot. He seems willing to work with me. I could make payments. I have a perfect spot for it. It's a matter of can I really afford it and do I know how to take care of a hot tub? Anyone want to buy it for me? Just kidding. But seriously, does anyone know how to do the up keep and is it costly? and does it make the power bill really high? I really want this. I don't know if it's realistic of me to to buy it. But I kind of feel like this is a once in a million chance to own a piece o f heaven.

Edit.. my husband might actually go for it.. but only if we can get a car out of it too. We only have one and it's been working but only cause it's summer. I guess it's mean of me to want a hot tub and have him walking still without a car in the winter.. haha.. This isn't the one but it's about the same size or so..

Dear birthfather (Todd)

I am trying to think towards the end of our relationship. My memory is a little fuzzy so please forgive me if it's a little off. I remember you doing taking advantage of me. One way was sexual and very cruel. It might have been one of the reasons I finally just accepted that I didn't need you. I don't remember you being in trouble with the law, but you did some shady things that could have led to that. I remember that you and your buddy both moved. However, before you did. I have a very clear memory of standing, in front of you, wearing these light blue jeans and telling you that I thought I was pregnant. I remember it was after Christmas, because my school sent home Christmas presents for my family and the jeans was one of the presents. Your reaction to my news is very clear. You gave me a little smile and told me no your not. You are going to be fine. I so badly wanted to believe you. After all, you were about five years older than me. I tried so hard to trust you and for a while, I convinced myself that I was fine. I wasn't pregnant. I was in denial.

After you moved, I didn't see you unless you chose to come see my where I lived with my family. You wouldn't tell me where you were. My memory gets really fuzzy here. At some point, we have to move and we stayed with an aunt. But not for long. My older sister admits that she is pregnant and is told to get an abortion and refuses and then has to move. Shortly, after that, my Mom and me and my little sister and brother end up living in a one room hotel room.

I am in between being in denial and facing reality. I was afraid to tell my parents that I was pregnant because I didn't want to get an abortion. I feared that I wasn't as strong as my sister and that would have been our babies fate. However, I feel that my not telling that I was pregnant sealed her fate into being placed for adoption. I wonder did you run away from the fact that I was pregnant or did you not believe me? I am sure that it didn't help that I didn't tell my family. I also wonder did you know where I was? Between you moving and me moving.. there is a good chance that you just couldn't come back and see for yourself. Back in the 90's. It wasn't like today where you could have called my cell phone.

Starting to write these letters has brought up some memories of you. Some are good and some are bad. Mostly, I am sad for you. I don't think that I have ever thought too much about your loss to adoption. We hear so much from birthmothers and not so much from birthfathers. I wonder did you go on to get married and raise a family? I really hope that you have found some happiness in your life.