Yesterday, I was at the pool and on the way out I ran into one of the MELD Mom's and I will be honest I knew her but I couldn't place her.
I talked with her for a few and she questioned me if I was still volunteering and I quickly explained that I had issues with some of the Mom's not bringing diapers and bottles and my concern was taken for bitching and was dismissed. She wasn't one of the Mom's without diapers her child was five and she said she goes to as few meetings as possible cause she has to to keep her housing.

She said that she thought the meetings we pointless and she felt like she was in a very different place compared to the other Mom's.

She did mention that she will be moving soon so then she can be done with MELD. I suppose in someways it did what it was suppose to do.

I don't know if anyone noticed but I took the donation button down for MELD. If I am not sure if I want to support them then I can't be asking or accepting donations for them.

I really am on the fence with it. I seen so many of the children comes dressed to the T and wearing expensive shoes way more than I could ever afford especially when my kids were babies that I really have wondered if MELD is a good thing or not.

Work

I find it's fun to go tease my son at work. His brother thinks him at work is just way too funny!! Work has created some more challenges that we have to work out but all in time.

Caught between a child and a man

I think that statement best desribes our arguements that have been going on in my household.

Having my son stay home on the one weekend that I had arranged to be off made me very upset.

What made me even more upset is that he had hinted to staying home and I specially said that I had arranged my vacation to be home with kids five days and without for the two on the weekend.

I didn't think it was too much to ask.

My son threw in the arguement that if I wanted weekends free of kids then I shouldn't have had kids.

I suppose that statement rings some truth in it but the facts are that my sons' have another parent and another place to call home and we have come used to 4 days out of the month to be free of kids. Normally, I am working Friday evening and Saturday evening so it only amounts to a few hours here and there alone but it's something.

This weekend was suppose to be our weekend to just hang and be free of kids until Sunday morning.

My son claims he is a man and refused to go with his Dad but says what's for dinner? LOL

Friday night, we had already talked about getting a cheap pizza and we did and we ate it alone cause Alex took his to his room. A man would have brought food into the house and cooked it or ordered out and paid for it. He did none of these.

Saturday, my husband had planned to come with me to the YMCA and I would do zumba outdoors. It was dance day. He would wounder around and do whatever interesting he could find.

Since, Alex wanted to stay home, we woke him up and made him come with us. We got there a little early so I could get all ready for zumba and they watched for the first few minutes and then took off.

When I got done I called to see if they were still around and my husband made him walk the five miles home with him.

One of the reasons my son refused to go with his Dad was because he told me on the phone he had to work at 7 and I took it for am and he led me on to believe it. Saturday, we did some more cickering about our house our rules and I made Alex fend for himself for dinner since I wanted to go out. So, we took him to work and went out on our own.

Well, that's just a little bit of what was running through my mind. 3 more full days of vacation before i go back.

I planned my vacation around my children's weekend with their father. Basically, I would be home with my children for two days on, the weekend off, then home with them Sunday night thru Thusday morning. I thought this was a nice balance to have some time to be home with my kids and do some fun things but also give my husband a break from always dealing with them.

Alex started his new job today and flat refused to go to his Dad's due to working Saturday at 7 pm. This isn't all about the job, he has been trying to avoid going there for quite sometime.

We all got pissed and the kid being home for the weekend is enough to make him threaten to move out at tax time. He feels like he spends all his time with my two boys and our grand daughter and wants this free time. I don't blame him for being pissed because I am too.

My son told me why don't you tell Dad we can't come over cause it's your vacation. I told him right to his face that I planned my vacation around having sometime without kids.

He doesn't care about anyone. All he cares about his himself. I am so pissed. I work hard and all I wanted was a day and half without kids. Our granddaughter comes over on Sunday morning so really all it was going to be Friday night and Saturday without kids.

My previous post I blogged about how my husband spoke about alex as to compare him to the neighbor and how it upset me. I told my husband for some reason he likes you.

Today, he told me that, my statement hit him on the head. He said he should be happy that he likes him and that Alex has been paying attention to what he says and says postitve things about him on facebook.

My husband told me that he is letting the past get in the way with seeing Alex for as of right now. I hope I am not putting words in his mouth just trying to write about what he said.

If you ever think about relationships they do change and shit happens. How strong would our marrage be with each other if we have a list of wrong doings one another did to each other during the first couple years of our marrage. He was a drunk and I was a crazy sad out of my mind birthmom who was living in so much grief that I couldn't see thru the tears.

I hope my husband can using this "lightbulb" moment and not take it for granted that Alex likes to go places with him while also able to have his own quiet time that he likes.

I hope my son realizes how good he can have it at home and makes the right choices as we get closer to the age of 18.

Vacation

Today, was my first day of vacation!!! I don't go back until next Thursday. I have been looking forward to sometime off. I have been a little bummed out because up until last summer I wasn't working full time and it seemed easier to fit some of that summertime fun it.

We went to a water park that I love to go about two to three times a summer. I was bummed out that I hadnt been yet. I hope to get to go at least one more time. Today, I went with my sons and hopefully my sister's work hours and college classes will match up with one of my free days before it closes.

I used to be a scardy cat of water and slowly every year I am learning more and aiming to be a better swimmer. I didn't learn as a kid and didn't want my children going into middle school and not knowing how to swim. I refused to swim in school because I felt stupid for not knowing how.

Today, we were in the wave pool and taking turns in a two person tube. My oldest son when he wasn't in the tube would just bounce around with the waves.

Stephen tried this and it didn't work out so well. Alex flew off the tube and helped prevent Stephen from drowning. Alex struggled to keep his brother hanging on the bar that they have their for people in the wave pool. I felt sort of helpless cause I couldn't go help but no way could I swim in the deep water during waves.

I wasn't really worried cause it looked like they had it under control but I guess my son was stuggling to keep him up and was pretty upset that they were right under the nose of the life gaurd and he didn't help.

I am upset that he didn't help but I loved seeing Alex run to rescue his brother. It's moments like that when a little brother needs a big brother. I could think of many other times where we could have used his brother being around and he wasn't here.

I know we have our issues and life isn't perfect and my children are not either. We just have to keep trying to make things work in our house and find a balance that we all can live with.

Tonight, Alex, asked to go to the store with my husband and he blew him off. He tells me he doesn't want to hang with anyone but me and might as well take (insert neighbors name) to the store. I find that statement very sad. I get that he wants to escape on his own. I get that he isn't much of a people person. But for the words to come out of my husband's mouth and to think of how Alex would feel if he were to hear it makes me pretty sad.

My husband came off with from now on every time you leave the house you take him. Honestly, for some reason he doesn't always ask to go with me. I wonder if he asks to go with my husband because he feels like he is missing out on a father. His Dad has failed him over and over and continues to not keep his word and does some stupid things that my kids are not unaware of.

I try to get my son to see both sides to each story and consider the possiblities as why he did this or that. I also don't want to get up on a high horse and act like we haven't ever done anything stupid or not well thought out.

relationships, jobs, and vacation

My son's first day on the job was canceled to a bad storm that came our way and made lots of people to be without power. I didn't lose power or did I wake up to the killer storm. Good thing I don't have trees!! I wouldn't call it killer storm actually but I did see one tree personally on a house.

My son was bummed out but the good news is that my vacation or as my husband called it staycation starts tomorrow!! My sons and I are going to the water park to spend the day.

The bad news is that Alex thinks it's boring to go to places like that with his Mom. I look at it this way... when the kid doesn't want you around then they can start paying their own way in the world and driving themselves!! Anyone agree with me?

I look at it this way. If it's not family time or something I arranged I am not paying for a fun day out. Also, not driving him dropping him off and doing the come back thing. Maybe, I would feel different if I was made out of money and didn't have to count my pennies to make ends meet.

I am just glad that both my kids can come to the waterpark and hopefully Alex likes his job and with him working make things a little less stressful.

I been feeling like he is putting a strain on my marraige. It's not super bad but I can feel it. It's hard to explain. My husband and I can be upset over the same issues but at times it just seems like he is picking on my kid even though logically I know he isn't.

Sometimes, I think my husband isn't picking his battles enough with my kids and then other times for the same issue I support what he is doing.

One exampple, he has started doing is if Alex sleeps till 11 am or later, he isn't letting him eat breakfast. He is making him wait until lunch. There is the Mom part that aches thinking my kid is hungry and thinks he isn't being fair and then there is the logical part that says Alex really needs something like this to get him motivated to do something other than sleep late and Stephen gives him all kinds of crap if Alex can eat and he can't even though Stephen doesn't understand that Alex hasn't ate. I know I have blogged about Stephen's food obsession before.

My husband is with my two kids 24/7 and our grand daughter 4 to 5 days a week and I know he is getting burned out but I am not sure what to do about it besides him stop watching our grand daughter and him get a job.

The feeling like our marriage is suffering does scare me a little bit because when Alex put us through a bunch of drama right after we got married and also my husband was drinking around the clock.. we came close to splitting. I think one of the biggest reasons for not splitting was neither one of us was willing to leave the house. Plus, I think a second divorce would be worse than a second one.

My husband's unmployment is going to be running out soon and I worry how that's going to affect my family and our relationship. I hope we can weather the storm. I don't mind if my boat rocks some but if it totally sunk and I lost my house it would be one of the worst things that I could think that could happen to my family.

First day on the job

Alex has orientation tomorrow for his job. It took the manager a couple days to call and set it up and I was fearing the worst but she did call and he is to report to work today.

My sons and I spent the day together and our plan was to go to the local pool but my son wanted to bring a friend.

The friend happens to be my ex husband's new wife's adoptive son. HAHA that is a mouth full. He happened to be my son's friend before my son's and his friend's Mom met and got married.

I like to be at the pool at the opening but money is tight and I needed to make sure that we had ate lunch and the only thing I needed to bring was some soda.

I pick up his friend and we get to the pool about an half after opening or maybe even a little longer and they check to see if the boys are wearing swim shorts with the netting. The friend didn't have the netting and wasn't allowed in. My son was ready to send his friend walking because he said he asked him if he had the netting and he said he did. Even though, that's probably true but friends don't leave friends like that. Also, Mom's don't pick up a child, even though the child is 17 and leave him.

We went to a GoodWill store and I bought the friend some used swimming shorts. We decided not to go back to the outdoor pool because I didn't feel like using my kids tickets that I had already purchased through a package available to income eligible families and I didn't want to pay full price for three hours in the pool.

Since we belong to the YMCA, we went there instead. We swam for a few hours and then I took his friend home and we came home and had dinner.

It was so cute listening to my son talk tonight. He already mentioned wanting to have his friend stay the night on his next day off!! LOL he hasn't even did the first day of work.

He is hoping he isn't working on Thursday cause my vacation starts and we are going to a water park with thrilling slides. I have been waiting for this day since the beginning of summer. I am all for value for my money that I have to pay for me and I want a full day out of it.

He mentioned how he hopes he doesn't have to work when his church goes to the Dell's. He was upset cause his Dad said it like casual that it's not a big deal. To him it's a big deal but not much we can do if he has to work.

I love how he is talking about how he is going to spend his paycheck. I hope earning his own money will help him understand the value for the dollar as in the amount of hours it takes to earn money and how fast money goes. So, when Mom and stepdad didn't give him 20 bucks or so for a concert it wasn't always about how we don't want to give him money. It was more about how we don't always have 20 to spare.

The sad part is that he mentioned how his Dad asked him what days are his payday and he is already afraid that Dad will ask him for money to borrow.

I really hope that my son's father's habits about money doesn't rub off on my son. I won't go into the things that he has seen and knows what's going on but just hope he doesn't do the same things with his money.

Knock Knock

We had something happen last night. Alex woke us up at 2 30 am and said someone knocked on his bedroom window. (he sleeps in the basement) My first reaction is to say make sure all the doors are locked. I was half asleep so I know it probably wasn't best to send the kid to check but then again the kid is taller than all of us. So, when he got to the back door he said someone was trying to get in.

The ironic part is that all three of our dogs were outside. We don't normally go to bed and leave them outside but we must have forgotten to let them in before going to bed. The dogs didn't bark nor did I hear my lab attacking anyone.

My husband went outside and checked and everything looked normal. He didn't see anyone and our backdoor to our was closed and latched. It's sort of been damaged by a big dog not knowing how strong she is when he jumps on it so if we don't push it shut it don't latch.

The neighbor was sitting outside and they said they didn't see anything but then turned around and said to call the police cause he seen two black guys walking down the street and he has in the past followed them to know where they live.

My husband said for everyone to go to bed and he didn't want the police called. My son was told to come in and go to bed and it took me sitting up waiting for 30 minutes cause he called the police anyways.

My neighborhood has never been a really high crime area and not sure if crimes are really happening or this neigbor is paranoid of black people and the thought of them walking down the street is making them a criminal.

I wondered if crime is finding this guy or is he dreaming it all up and is that going to make crime "find" my son or whatever??

Youth center

Any divorced parents with joint custody out there? As in you have a equal right to schooling decisions, heath and religion?

Would you ever go to court or mediation to make it agaisnt your ex to take the child to church or a certain church.

My ex takes my sons to a church and not sure if it's even called that. They do service but it's also a lot of fun and games and things they do with the youth. So, it's actually a youth center.

This youth center on quite a few times has made plans with the youth only to change their mind and not follow through with the trip they said they were going to do. Or they go somewhere that isn't afforadale to all the members and that excludes some people who can't pay say 40 a pop per person.

Most recently, my kids have been excited about an upcoming camping trip and going into my ex didn't want to pay for big brother due to him being out of a school and without a job. Somone at the church told him that it wasn't fair and to include him.

Last week, the youth center put on a rummage sale and a car wash to raise money for camp and they raised over 300 dollars and this would pay for 8 people.

Once again, the trip is canceled and I will be left to deal with whatever emotions my sons express from this. We had to force Alex to participate in the car wash and now they are not even going. Dad did say they are going to the Dell's but couldn't tell me how many days and I am not sure if it's part of the church or not.

I am tired of this youth center doing this to the kids. I know Alex is going to be 18 soon and then he won't be "youth" and probably won't be going to Dad's for every other weekend and all that but I have quite a few more years before my youngest is of age to decide for himself.

I personally haven't been attending church and the only church that I enjoyed recently didn't have bible classes for the children unless you paid for it. I am not agaisnt churches in general but it doesn't seem like a good one. It seems like it's more for free food and the games at the church. They have a huge screen for movies and games that my son would probably give his left arm for. :)

I wonder if the way this church and many others are going about things are the reason why a lot of churches members are down and the children that grew up in the church are not coming back to it as adults.

Are you ready for this??

We prepared Alex for his interview by going to the thrift shop for some clothes that would look nice for the interview at the grocery store.

We found some kacki pants his size but couldn't find a shirt so we went over to Kmart and bought him a shirt. We are making him pay for half of the cost due to him being almost grown and when he had money he was blowing it.

We didn't practice much on interview stuff cause it's been so long since I had one that I just didn't know how to practice. I did tell him one of the most important things he can do is be on time. Also, be open to working the weekends.

Are you ready for this??

Zumba!!!

HAHA... The Are you ready for this reminded me of a Zumba song and I had to do it.

He had his interview and he was hired on the spot. He was hired for 15 to 20 hours a week.

I am so excited for this new adventure in his life. This won't be the first time he has felt money in his pocket due to a part time job he had with someone that he worked for that ran his church.

However, I am still counting this as his first job. This isn't a job Mom got for him even though Mom said to apply and to bug the manager to hire you and Mom even had to remind him of what job he applied for. They were looking for baggers so I am assuming that that's the job they hired him for.

I haven't actually talked to him besides texted message because I work all day and late into the night on Thursday. His Dad took him to see the new Batman movie so he isn't home now.

I really hope he takes this job seriously and works hard for them and feels good about earning a paycheck. I really am satsfied with the outcome of the job seaching stuff. I think the only thing that I would change is that I would have him get the job following my weeks vacation that starts one week from today so he can spend time with us doing summer fun stuff. Hopefully, it will work out so he can still join us for our fun days out.

They are suppose to call him this weekend to set up an orientation after they hire one more person.

First job interview!!

Sunday, Alex, my son, got a call from the grocery store that I suggested he apply for a job. They were adverstising for baggers. I got to thinking that this store would be a great starter job for him. It's not fast food and nothing wrong with first jobs being fast food. I know mine and his Dad's first job was fast food places.

I had been thinking that this is the time of the year for the jobs to come available. I hope he gets the job and if not at least give encouragment for applying for future jobs knowing that it can result in interviews.

Wish him luck!! His interview is on Thursday afteroon. I have to see what he plans on wearing to his interview.

Reflection time

One of my many favorite summer past times is to go to the local pool. I love taking my children but I also love just taking one or two days out of the short summer and go on my own. Mostly, this has been done when they are with their Dad for his weekend.

It gives me time to just swim and relax without the added stress of Mom Mom Mom. Not that I don't enjoy my children. I really do. I know not many people would find it fun to spend the day at the pool alone but I find it very enjoyable.

It gives me moments to reflect on life happenings and yesterday the pool was pretty full but not overly croweded that I didn't have trouble finding room to swim around.

A couple times, I found myself near black Mom's or Dad's with their children young children and my memories of playing with many of the black children that I played with during my time with MELD and I smiled at the little child with many happy memories from MELD.

A thought came to my mind and I wanted to blog about it. I think volunteering for MELD and with quite a bit of the children being black or other races... it got me thinking about how I believe MELD has made me more of a friendly person when I greet people of other races.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I was ever insulting or rude or made racist statements to anyone but considering that my Dad was raised by a father that was rasist and my Dad raised me and his veiws was noticed that even though I don't share their same neagive thoughts.

I have worked hard in the last couple years to give the same warm smile to the black families compared to someone of my own race. I think I was guilty of veiwing the whole population of one race based on actions or behaviors that I have seen or heard about and I was wrong.

I think it took taking care of children newborn to about five to start seeing them not just as african american children but children. Children that are innocent, cute and creative. Children that want and need love and attention without judging them by the color of thier skin or the actions of others.

So MELD and I parted on bad terms but I don't regret my time with them because I know I did my best and I came out a better person and it did have a lot to help me cope with feelings about adoption loss and a focas other than my own pain.

Another reason that I got to thinking about MELD is that my friend Susie got involved with this group that sells things and I ended up buying two bags of baby clothes for my dolls. HAHA. I dind't quite realize that she had two bags of baby girl clothes and no way can I keep them all.

I have to find a home for them and it's got me thinking about what do I do with them. At this point, I am just not sure. I am not going to say I won't support MELD with donations but I would like to see if there is another option for my community.

For Those new to my Blog.. You can read about MELD on the top of my blog and MELD and I had a falling out over them getting upset over my suggestions to consider the young Mom's to spend time in the daycare to see that side of childcare in an environment where two or three people are taking care of 6 to 9 children. We had issues of no bottles, no diapers and it make it more challenging to give quality child care. I even went as far as to suggest diaper bag checks and offered to donate a gift card as a reward and MELD excused me of my servies.

Raising money for Education and prize offer.

Last year, I went on a retreat for Mom's with children with special needs and met a lot of lovely women who had children with autism, down sydrome and many other diseases and disorders that our lovely children are dealing with.
It gave me a different out look on life with my special needs child when I heard a couple Mom's talking about life expectancies.

I have connected with a few of the Mom's through facebook and have seen two of the Mom's since the retreat.

One of the Mom's that I haven't really connected outside of the retreat but we share a common group on facebook and our children both have autism. We are in very different stages of the game. My child is a 12 year old boy and her child is a daughter who is five.

The parents of this little girl has seen improvement and gains in their daughter and feel that the school's choice of sending her to a school that is for self contained special needs children only would do her a dis service not only in not seeing improvement but children with autism can go backwards with their skills in a case like this where the things that might have contributed to the progress was taking away. I am not an expert nor am I am expert with this little girl.

Her parents have set up a fundraiser to try to raise money for experts to get the right schooling for their child that they believe to be the best for her. They have a lawyer that is working pro bono.

I know times are hard and not everyone can give but I am asking if anyone feels that they can spare anything to help this family or want to get more details please visit their page here.

I would like to offer a litle something to encourage support for them. If we raise 120.00 thru my blog for them I would like to put together a little package of gifts for your child. I would have to limit the age to ten and under to make it affordable and fun to me.

If you donate please leave a comment with the dollar amount or send me an email and if the 120 is raised then I will draw names for the prize for your child. If you don't have a child. You could always pick a relative or give me another idea of how to be able to provide a little fun for a kid. To keep shipping costs down it would need to be shipped in the U.S.

The fundraiser is running until 7/24/12

Thanks for any donation or even the thoughts of trying to help.

The Zoo

The day after the 4TH of July, I went with my little sister, her boyfriend and the boyfriend's son who about 7 or 8 years of age. It was a very hot day but it was nice and it's been years since I been to the zoo. It also happened to be the first time since I was at this zoo that charged to get in and charged for parking.

The zoo that is in the same state that I am more familiar to is free and doesn't charge for parking that I can remember.

I was surprised that Stephen and the little boy were acting the same as in asking for EVERYTHING. I think sometimes as parents we think it's just our kid that is unappreciative of what was given to them and what might be given to them. In the heat of the moments without having other children around it's easy for me to think it's all my kid and why can't my kid stop driving me crazy for EVERYTHING.

First my thoughts are a few things about the zoo. I didn't get why when my sister and her boyfriend paid over 12 a person and then more to park that the little shows and a few other items were an another 2 or 3 dollars a person. I know it doesn't seem like much but it adds up. I believe there were about 3 or 4 shows that we could have seen for that price. We paid to see the Dinosaur stuff. I guess we couldn't resist seeing how they brought the dino's back.

There was also a train ride which we did pay the 2 dollars a person for and it was cool but there wasn't a view of the zoo. There was also a zip line which not sure what that had to do with the zoo. I wasn't about to let my son do that. There was sky lift that we were going to do but it was shut down early.

My question is and I know that a lot of you have smaller children but in a situation like this how would you go about having a fun day at the zoo without getting sucked into spending your house payment in there? LOL

I feel if I knew more about the zoo and all that if offered I could have given my son choices and a dollar amount that could be spent. I got pretty lucky that my sister offered to pay for our day so not much came out of my pocket for our zoo trip.

It was a fun day but if I I would do something like this again I would want to be better prepared and not spend the whole day dodging buy me buy me questions.

My Zumba instructor tonight really reminded me of one of my cousins on my Dad's side. I didn't think it was her but had to come home and look at the cousin that it reminded me of and the cousin isn't looking as hot and young as the instructor.

It got me thinking a little bit is this how adoptees feel when they see someone that reminds them of themselves or something just really famliar?

It's not that I thought she had family traits but she did remind me of the cousin but maybe in her younger days.

It's got me thinking how far my cousins and I have grown apart. I have so many cousins and honestly the most I have seen any is at funerals. We have lost about half of my Grandparents 7 children. The last couple that have died I either didn't make the funeral and the one aunt didn't have a funeral. She wouldn't go to them when she was alive I guess she wasnt going to attend one while dead.

I am sure that some of my cousins are still in my city and I am throwing around the idea of putting together a reunion and wondering if it's too late this summer to pull it together and could I afford it and would I know anything about putting one together.

It also gets me thinking would any of my cousins care to reunite? and what would I expect from it? I don't see much changing in the relationships from our cousins. The truth is that we are really strangers who share the same DNA.

I wonder how the cousins would react to a request of a reunion and what would we talk about?

I worked on my daughter's scrapbook again tonight. I been feeling much better about it this last week or two. I haven't went to buy anymore supplies this week but I might tomorrow. I also got the password and account information from my sisters photo account so I can look through her pictures and print my own.

I got to counting the pages in my scrapbook and it's over 100 pages. I hope to feel complete with it by the next time my daughter is in town.

It looks like we maybe close to Alex's breaking point where hopefully he will really try to find a job. I think he is seeing an advantage to school. Social life.

The kid is BORED!! You can tell that he just doesn't know what to do. He is frustrated with friends and can't seem to find enough to keep himself busy.

Yesterday, I came home to a nice surprise. My two sons had layed tile in the storage room and moved Alex's bed in there. He had been talking about doing that for a while but hadn't done it yet. Now, my son has his own bedroom, a living room space and a 70's bar. lol

I was really impressed with what they had done while I was at work.

My husband joked that his rent just went up when he turns 18.

memories

A big part of my adoption story started when I went into labor at school. Well, when I went to school in labor. Guess, I was committed to going to school. :)
When I had to seek medical help from the nurse and told them that the baby was going to be put up for adoption. I think I told them that. My memories are so fuzzy.

There was this cris counslor that got involved with me and my family due to going into labor at school. I would hate to think of how I would carried on with 9th grade without the support from the school system froma few different people.

The top people that come to mind were the teacher that home schooled me. I reconnected with her probably about a year and half ago on facebook.

There was a truency officer that played somewhat a role in me actually attending school and made me quit playing games with the school. I always looked up to him for being so strict.

The crisis counslor who helped me quite a bit. He would call me down to the office every so often to check on me. When I would walk from class to class.. he was always standing there watching the students with a smile on his face.

I felt like with him I had someone in my corner watching out for me. When he found out that my Mom didn't get me any counseling after my daughter was placed for adoption he arranged for a lady to come out from an adoption agency to talk to me. She would rotate the times so I wouldn't miss too many of one class. I really don't remember how often she came out.

The counslor said he saw an improvement in me after the counseling. I don't know if it was true or not or just something he wanted to see. I continued to see the counslor after 9th grade ended. She would pick me up and we would go to a fast food place and I never was at ease with it. There just wasn't any privacy. Counseling about anything is a private matter and it didn't belong in a fast food place. So, enventually, I ended my services with her.

It's kind of ironic though that after either my daughter's 16th birthday that I called the same agency up looking for help because I hit rock bottom and couldn't cope on my own anymore.

The reason I am writing all this is that a while back I sent the crisis counslor an facebook friend request and didn't hear anything back. I did see that he was friends with the home school teacher and I sent her a request and she has been my son's adovocate for school.

Well, anyways, yesterday, I recieved notice from fb that he accepted my friend request and it's stired up a little bit of memories of 9th grade. He told me not to tell everyone that I had a baby. Basically they didn't need to know. Looking back, I wish he added more to it then they didn't need to know. It was the beginning of keeping a secret and deneying my daughter's exsistence. I don't blame him because I know that the kids would have treated me badly if they had the whole truth. Hell, they did even with me telling them "no, I didn't have a baby" No one believed me. I guess I looked the 9 months pregnant.

I remembered that he turned 50 when I was in school and I looked at a couple of his photos and he doesn't look older to me. It looks like time as been good to him. I always wanted to thank him for his help way back then and I actually did send cards to the school but never knew for sure if he had gotten them or not.

I used to day dream about seeing him again and telling him how much he helped. It never occured to me that I would ever get to say Thank You and tell him and tell him about meeting my daughter. I don't know if I will write him or not. It took him a year and half to accept the friend request and I think if I wrote him I would be on pins and needles waiting for his reply. Also, I sort of feel like in order to say thank you.. I need to sugar coat everything and all that. Who wants a thank you letter and life really sucked for a long time letter.

Brothers

My oldest son isn't working and while he is home I sort of want to make him do things for his little brother. I don't mean to put him to taking care of him like I took care of my brother and sister. I wouldn't do that to him. His Dad made him take care of him years ago when I was working and my youngest was still in diapers. I know he resented that and I don't blame him.

Honestly, I want Alex to start moving into a grown up role with his brother. Today, they were suppose to take the bus and go swimming at the local pool but none of us thought about it being the 4TH of July. I felt so bad for my kids and it actually happened that I could come home and take them to the pool on my lunch break. It wasn't the same thing as them taking a trip on their own but they still were at the pool for a few hours without me and big brother had money that I had given him and was being "in charge" of it and not letting little brother spend up all the money in the first hour. We are seeing changes in Alex that are sort of new. Not that he is totally responsible and doesn't screw up but we been hearing him lecture his little brother about getting ready for things on his own as in getting his stuff ready for the pool or not blowing money.

Tomorrow, I am going to the zoo with my little sister and I can only take Stephen. There just isn't room in my sister's car and I can't afford to drive my own car. She asked me with only a couple days notice and I wasn't going to be able to go and she even suggested that I call in sick. I thought about it for a moment or two but thought it was just too risky.

I actually just talked to my job and was honest with them and asked if they would try to cover my two shifts for the day. I put it as in I would like to go but it's okay if I couldn't go. I think it helped that one of my clients had a major cool week and I dropped pictures off showing them the excitment. I suppose the office doesn't get always get to see the personal side of being a caregiver. Ya know, the memories and good times that we help create.

I felt pretty bad about big brother not being able to go but I feel lately that he goes off and is spending time with friends that it's sort of fair that he could not be included too. I still felt bad but he said it was okay but I told him I would make it up to him with a movie or something in a week or so.

Back to my point of this post. I don't know how much longer Alex will live with us. He could move in November or stay longer. I don't want to put too much on Alex but I want my sons to get the most out of their time as brothers living under the same roof. They lost about three years together and there were times that I felt like big brother should be looking after little brother. For example.. at the beginning of the school year.. a seventh grader who is one grade higher than Stephen hit him. Not that I think big brother, who was few years older, than the bully should beat him up but just the presence of him might have made a better impression than Mom. I want my boys to have what my sister and I had. They pick on each other but better not let anyone else mess with their brother.

I put big brother up to hanging out with little brother at the Y and I sneaked up on the two and caught him making little brother run on the treadmill. So, he is calling himself Stephen's fitness coach.

My husband and I were discussing how people are starting to view Alex as grown and that's probably why my sister to think to invite him plus not enough room in the car. We don't quite know how to manage with having a 12 year old and an umemployed 17 year old. Do we include both kids in on something fun? For exmample.. on a school day out for whatever reason.. once or twice a year.. I like to take Stephen to the movies.. Do I include Alex? The movies is sort of like a reward/break for all the hard work? Is it fair for Alex to get the same treatment when he isn't going to school?

The good news is that Alex is beginning to show interest in checking out the community college. He wants to be a counslor for teens. Well, I will end this on a good note.

ex bashing/ birthparent bashing

The above message was part of something someone posted on fb that a judge told a couple that was divorcing. It's a good reminder for me to bite my tongue when at times my ex makes it so easy to make fun of him or talk poorly of his decisions. I personally have a hard time drawing the line talking about my ex choices when it comes to my almost adult son. Their were certain things that may have looked like a way of life but I want my son to know it doesn't have to be that way. We do always try to tell him that his Dad did the best he could and all that good stuff.

I saved this portion of the facebook message and to share it on here because I think it also plays a big role in adoption and how adoptive parents talk about the birthparents of the children they adopt. It could be the said word about them or the not said word as in we don't talk about those people or adoption.

At times I feel guility for talking to Izzy and what at times may seem like advice and I will blog more about something I said yesterday that could have been taken as butting in too much. Nothing really bad though.

The truth is that my daughter carries half of my genes and half of her birthfather's. Yes, she was raised by her adoptive parents but she is part of our family and at times I may offer stuff that could pertain to her because she is part of us too.

I just found out that Izzy's parents were only married for about two years when they adopted Izzy. I remember being told that they were trying to have children for years but never could. Not that I had choices known to me or options but years I would have thought that it had been longer than two years.


They did go on to have a child the old fashioned way and kind of ironic her brother that she grew up with is about the same age as my oldest son.

I wonder how many people adopt because they are just impatient and don't give it enough time. No offence to anyone who suffers from inferilty. I wonder if they ever tried to have more children after him?

Well, anyways, I was surprised that they haven't been married longer. However, very happy that she experienced life with parents that hasnt divorced.

This picture was taken when I was working. I really just thought it was such a good picture of me. It was with my client, a city official and someone from the nursing home. I love how my job continues to expose me to wonderful events and this was an exciting week for my client.

Of course, I didn't put the whole picture up due to the laws that protect privacy and all. I sort of need my job.

Scrapbooking

Within the last couple days, I printed up some pictures for Izzy's scrapbook. I usually only print a few at a time to keep the cost down. Today, I did what I said I would and went scrapbook shopping. I spent just a little over ten and excited about working on her book.

My husband cleaned off the kitchen table and my cat and I worked on three pages. I got two pages about my work done and got started on a page about my YMCA. I said my cat helped me cause she insisted on laying on the table in the middle of my stuff.

If anyone is thinking of starting a scrapbook... just a few suggestions. The scrapbooks come in albums of 8 by 8, 8 by 11 (which is what I have) and 12 by 12

I have found some advantages and disadvantages to my size. The disadvantage is that it just seems like the pages that you can buy for the album in that size is plain. Compared to a couple years ago, there is less to choose from. Not because I have used everything up but because they aren't carrying much for that size. The advantage is that it's the only size book that I have noticed came in a huge 3 ring binder. It almost feels like the pages that I can fill is unlimited. I notice in the other sizes it appears like their is a limit. I believe you can buy extentions to make the album take more pages but I am not sure.

The 12 by 12 pages seems like it would be hard to get creative enough to fill out the page but it gives so much more room for pictures and notes of information. I have used a couple 12 by 12 sheets and just cut them down to use them for my book.

Well, that's about all the advice I have for scrapbooking besides just go for it. It's so much fun.