kids

Today, I took my son for an assessment with a doctor. Excuse me for not knowing what kind of head doctor he is. My goal in seeing him is to get an IQ test and he did that today. He gave us conner forms for ourselves and a couple of his teachers to fill out. We are to see him again in two weeks during the school day again. Don't get me started on that one.

I don't know why but I want someone to confirm or deny or DX of autism. Maybe, I am wanting someone to say that it's wrong. Maybe, I want someone to say yes... he has a mental condition... your not just a bad Mom who don't know how to control her children.

I feel bad talking about my son in front of him. When I speak of his issues it almost feels like in the sceme of things that it's not so bad. So what if he has obsessions over pencils and singing to the breaking point of driving his family a little crazy. So what if he screams telling us no and then does it anyways. So what if he talks about food and demanded fast food for lunch at the appointment even though he would make it to school anytime. So what if he doesn't understand that most people wouldn't want you sitting at a table while they ate and you sat there and looked at them.

I accept and love my son the way he is but would like to see him struggle less. But at what costs? Counseling that takes him away from school? Did the counseling make him want comfort food? Kind of counter productive with our food issues.

Medication? My son is on too much already for asthma and allergies. What about side effects and long term effects? What about the drug shortage of adhd drugs and the kids and the families chasing around searching for "drugs" What happens if someday down the road there is lack of insurance or money for drugs and he self medicates with something else.

By not medicating... am I doing my son a dis service? Is moving at turtle speed and going about things the hardest way a bad thing?

He goes to his first counseling session tomorrow and we will miss our Y night. We will have to have a late dinner. Again, I wonder if it's counter productive.

Sometimes, I feel like I just must not be a good Mom. Both of my sons are just not being very successful. I been getting into it with Alex how he barely does his chores and expects 15 a week. I redid his chore list and gave him two months to have a job and after that I won't pay. I was given the idea to give him a dollar amount for snacks and it words to certain extent cause he isn't helping himself to food anymore but he is basically getting a free run to to get whatever he wants because he sneaks food. Alex is skinny and fit and can eat and eat and not gain weight. We have asked Alex to be discreet and not eat extras in front of Stephen and not to ask us for sweets right after we told Stephen no. I get mad cause I think his brother should understand that his brother has issues and not make life harder for us.

Sorry for going on and on.

A long time ago, I went to counseling at the church and met the Pastor's wife. She wrote me on facebook about a friend who's grandfather needs care and thought of me. I said they could contact me and I would talk to them.

I have played around with doing private care giving but never done it. The chances never come up when I am lacking hours. I spoke to the grand daughter and they need round the clock care. It's also a situation that will sooner or later need hospice.

Before knowing the details, my husband said maybe he even could do it. I played around in my head of the idea that we could both take on this person here and there. I didn't know what extent of care the person would need.

After talking to her and hearing about the grandfather I had to promote and encourage they use an agency. For me personally, I can't quit an agency for private person who is gonna die. Also, I can't take the risks of taking care of him. I need my company to have my back.

I think private could be a way to go if you just need a few hours here and there but not for around the clock care.. .. I would go agency all the way. I felt bad because I want to help them but the risks are too high for me.

The sad part about it all and I hope my company never reads this that not everyone can afford to go with an agency. I have had clients tell me "you don't come cheap" lol and it's true. They pay a pretty penny to have caregivers that work for an agency compared to private. I suppose it's one of those things you get what you pay for type of things.

To tell the truth.. I don't want to work anymore than I do. I am happy with the amount of hours I work. I would be cheating myself and my family if I took an another client on my days off.

cooking

I wrote about being upset and feeling like I am taking advantage of my husband with me going to the Y so often. It looks like I might make five days this week cause my Dad wants a tour and come in on my free pass and with his level of physical abilities the most workout I am going to get it is walking around showing him. However, I would rather take him on a day that I don't work out compared to using my Saturday morning to take him. My son has a couple more weeks of free tutoring and I want to just do my thing.

Jenn suggested prepping a meal ahead of time or cooking and freezing. Meat loaf comes to mind as something that I would want to try to make two batches of and freeze one of the loafs. What is the best way to freeze it so it doesn't get freezer burn? I have freezer bags but should I wrap it in plastic to double the protection? And do I leave it in the pan or not?

Anyone have any easy crock pot recipes? Something without too many ingredients?

My client complimented me on my weight loss and my husband said my son is looking better. So, I want to make my routine work as much as I can.

I have been pretty grouchy lately. I just feel like my 17 year old speaks another language. I am slowly reading the book called Love and Logic that a blogger sent me. I hope it really helps and I know how to use what I read. If anything maybe we will have an easier time with the child who is almost a teen. I think I feel stretched too far. I work full time and I aim to be at the Y 3 to 4 times a week. The last two weeks, I have been Monday thru Wednesday. All this week, I took Stephen with me too. I feel like if I work out and let my child who overweight sit home and watch tv then I am being a bad Mom.

I feel like I am putting too much on my husband to cook almost all the meals. I worked my 5.25 hour shift and ran to get bunny food and cat food and I wanted to spend the 45 minutes before I had to leave to at least prep dinner for my husband but all the pots and pans were dirty. My husband supports my desires to go to the Y and doesn't complain but I still feel bad.

Well, I better get off here and get ready for work. I have two shifts so I spend more than 12 hours out of the house. So glad, I only do this once a week now. It used to be two.

kind of a rant

When my children's father dropped off the children this last weekend he told me about a trip in August that his church was planning and was wondering if I had any info on Stephen's summer school schedule. I said I didn't know anything yet. He then went on to say that maybe a note could be written for our son to miss school. I said that wouldn't be possible, if he had summer school, because they only allow kids to miss two days and then they kick them out. There are too many children that need summer school and not all can go. So, if your child gets chosen then they don't play games.

I then went on to ask his wife, who drives and also my ex drives for the school system that I didn't think school would be in session during that week. She looked at some paperwork and agreed that it would be finished by then.

The moral of this story is that because my children's father thinks it's fit to miss school for an event is the reason why Alex is sitting with a GED and why Alex isn't starting his Senior year in high school. If parents don't take school serious then the children won't either.

Stephen is sitting on a record of perfect attendance and the school year is almost up. On the 30th, I have to take him for another assessment and it's going to take up to two hours plus the drive time. The Mom that wants to baby my son wants to treat him to the movies because it's very close to the place where we will be going. However, the Mom who wants my son to do well says now now this isn't right. I should feed him something to eat and take him to the school for the rest of the day because why? School is important.

Don't get me wrong. I don't put all the blame on my ex husband. My son gets some of the blame and honestly I feel responsible too because had my first husband and I not divorced I would have never not had custody of my son and wouldn't have felt like I didn't have much of a say so. I couldn't at any time just walk into my ex husband's place and force my son out of bed.

I firmly believe that had Alex not moved in when he did that he wouldn't have earned the GED. He has an official graduation coming up in June and even though it's not what it could be it's a reason to celebrate.

Picture on the wall

For those that are new to reading my blog I found my daughter on FB because I always knew her name. I named her and asked if they would keep her name because besides life it was the one thing that I could give her. She honored my wish and I will always be grateful to them for doing that.

I never realized that it would enable me years later to find her on a social network. Of course, I didn't know something like FB would there.

We talked thru facebook for quite sometime and text messages and about after a year of doing that she was ready to meet. It was the best feeling in the world to finally see her. It's so ironic that she looks so much like me. Once, when we were out to dinner at her boyfriends place of employment employers that know her thoght we were sisters.

My grand daughter calls her "nana" So basically she thinks Izzy is me.

My daughter has moved away and we have still talk but a lot of it is still facebook. She posted pictures of their newly painted room and I looked closely at a picture on the wall.

It was a picture of Izzy, myself and my two sons. It felt so amazing to see the proof that she loves us enough to put the picture up. It's a picture of us the last day I seen her when she brought her fish to me because she was moving away.

My husband and I were talking and he joked about if Izzy ever gets mad enough at her boyfriend or parents she could live with us. Now, I hope she doesn't have problems in life but to me it was the fact that he accepts her as my child and our house would be open to her.

I wrote Izzy and told her how I noticed the picture and thought it was of us and she wrote back that it was. I told her that she made my day.

Job searching

I told Alex a couple days ahead of time that on Friday I would take him job hunting so to think of where he would like to go.

We woke him up about 9 am and got him rolling. Trust me, he wasn't happy. We were talking and he didn't want any part of it. I really do get it thought cause the poor boy had just gotten out of bed.

We went to a little shopping center closest to us and we checked on some places he has applied at and looked into places that I thought might be a place to try. He is having some issues with some jobs only hiring 18 and older.

We went to the next shopping center and checked out some more places that he could apply. Since my son doesn't drive and will be walking or taking the bus.. I think it's best if our search starts close by.

Most jobs they say apply online which is new to me. I have never gotten a job that way. I think a big part of getting a job is making an appearance and I remember being taught that when you show your face and they look up your ap that it brings it to the top. I guess this can't work that way with online. He did get on ap for a pizza joint that said they are always hiring. Not the one that fired my husband lol

We went to the library and he updated a couple of his aps and applied for a couple of the jobs in the shopping center. I suggested he get a notebook and keep notes for his job search. Such as dates he has applied and any other information such as log on information. I think that could be very useful.

I took him to lunch so hopefully the next time I say I plan on taking him out he has more of a plan. I think it's easy to forget that teens never had a job so don't know how to search and how to talk to people. I was telling him tell them I see your hiring.. what kind of hours are you looking for? At this certain place he had to be 18 but I figure it's good practice either way.

We have also talked to him about college and we could apply to see what grants and what not that we may qualify for him to go to school. I told him we have to act fast to get him into fall classes. I am willing to guide him but I can't make him want to go.

One of the things my husband is telling me and I agree is that he doesn't want a room mate. Meaning someone that is running around and comes in mainly to eat and one that doesn't pay rent.

My husband went to my youngest sons school and the police are having a police camp thing. I can't remember what they call it but my son is being told that he has to go to it if he doesn't have a job. Basically, it's in June and it's about 7 hours a day Monday thru Friday and they get dinner. Alex has been told if he has a job then he wouldn't have to go.

Today, I received a call from the doctor that was suggested that we see at the same place that my son had the assessment at. Forgive me for not remembering what kind of a doctor he is. He asked me why I wanted my son to see him and I told him that it was suggested by the counselor. He asked what issues we had and I briefly ran down the list of our biggest concerns.

He asked me a question that threw me off. He asked what did I hope to gain by seeing him. I explained what the counselor suggested by testing his IQ and see if it's close to the school's and also said that possible that he could confirm or deny his DX of autism. I explained how some people don't believe that he is that I have felt like what mostly got us the DX has been worked out. Mainly speech is what I was thinking. He said people with autism can speak. I don't think he meant as in a broad statement that all people with it speak but that just cause my son speaks doesn't mean he doesn't have it.

I am not sure what if anything this doctor can do but we are going for a two assessment with him on April 30th. I am breaking one of my majors rules with my son and that is missing school. We are very strict with school attendance and do our best that he doesn't miss for anything other than illness. As of right now, he has perfect attendance. I think I would be strict no matter what but I remember in grade school sometimes the only award he would get would be perfect attendance.

If I take him to school after the appointment, I will most likely have to feed him fast food. This too goes against the changes we are trying to make with health. I guess I just have to give it a try cause what we are doing isn't working.

Tomorrow, should be a fun day for him. It's donuts with Dad day and then in the evening REC night. He will probably be a monster the next day from lack of sleep.

I have been enjoying my new found free time from being fired from volunteering for MELD. I miss the babies but I am loving getting that time back. I have been really focused on going to the YMCA to work out. I been attending a water class for a few weeks now. I really enjoy it and it's amazing how much of a workout you can get in the water. I can bounce around and move in ways that my knees would be screaming if I did it on the land.

I am still using the treadmills, ellipticals, video bike but not always in one day. I have been to the Y three times this week. I just a lot of anxiety if I can't work out. I am trying to bring my son sometimes too so he can get exercise too but school and homework doesn't make it the easiest to do. Also, the Y isn't keeping their word on the class designed for kids so he ended up doing some laps but lose interest fast. My sister was with me and we motioned for him to come back in the pool and he was all wanting to do the water class with us next time. I know that any typical 12 year old boy shouldn't want to do this and should do things more for his own age. So, I said are you sure you want to do it. I then did a couple of the moves of jumping jacks and moving my body this way and that way and asked him if he wanted to join the class. He said "no, I am good" This seems to be his line lately. It's kind of cute.

He has gotten into a couple new obsessions that drive us crazy. He sings Amazing Grace very loud. It's so off key. I can put up with it for so long and after a couple hours I get very tired of it. We walked the other night for about 30 minutes and he sang it the whole time. I never said anything and then at dinner he started up and I told him when we were walking I thought about jumping into the river or the poop factory. We live close to the water reclamation place. I take the stinky route cause it involves hills. He thought that was funny.

His other obsession is combing his hair because I bought him combs of his own. He needs a haircut so that should end once we find time to do it. He loves to go to the Y but I wouldn't call it an obsession. He has a short attention span so not sure how much exercise he actually gets since he jumps lots of machines. The Y today put in all new strength training machines so I know he will want to try them out soon.

She's not my real daughter

For privacy reasons I can't say who I heard this from. But we were talking about how woman are stronger because we go thru childbirth. (her words not mine) She brings up that she didn't go thru childbirth cause she adopted her two kids.

I told her that she is a Mother and the hard part of being a Mom isn't only child birth it's raising the children.

She went on to tell me one of her children died and the other one wasn't her real daughter.

I find this statement so sad. How can someone say that about a child that they raised. It's just a very bad thing for any Mother to say about her own child. She I wonder while raising her she said this is my fake daughter.


Oh and I wanted to tell anyone that was commenting about the child support issue if any of my comments came off rude. I wrote that post when I was upset that my husband brought that up and writing helps me blow off steam. I think in some ways my husband falls into the category that I can talk bad about him but you better not. haha When I look at it from his point of side of things I can see the reason that he feels the way he does but in the end what matters is that my sons' needs are being taken care of with the support from myself, my husband's and my ex.

meeee

My family went to a birthday party of one of my new friends that I met when I went on a retreat for Mom's with special needs. It's been nice to form a friendship from the retreat.

Her party was a safari theme and we were given hats when we walked in and my son took this picture of me and I really just thought it was cute so thought I would share with you.

Thanks for all my readers who still tune in even I am not blogging so much about adoption.

My husband brought up child support as in half of it belongs to him. While, I do agree that the money goes into our monthly income and the child support could go for any number of things and some could go into my husbands mouth and the same for my husbands unemployment could feed my childre. Its just not cut and dry that this apple is the kids and this apple is mine and my husbands. However, to call the child support half his I just don't agree with. If it ever was heard by my children who understand things different or my ex who on a really good day doesn't care for my husband I just don' t think its healthy to count half of it as my husbands.
Even though I know my husband is home with my kids when I can't be. He is doing almost all of the cleaning and laundy. He does quite a bit of the cooking. He supports me in my desires to go to the Y as often as possible.
This all maybe not an issue when school ends cause my exs job ends then too. The reason this was brought up was because my husband is still upset that he never paid what he agreed to and then skipped that first payment. Personally, I just don't want to cause trouble so its done.
I think the fact that my ex flew to Vegas has made my husband think of these things enough to talk about it.
What do you think? Is child support half his? If he went to court trying to get his half of the support that didn't come would they throw it out?

cell phone update

We gave the phone from my company a try for the week but my son basically knew we would be sending the phone back. I just couldn't justify giving my son a phone with unlimited text and talk especially since it didn't get much of a signal in his room. I didn't like that the phone company mislead me into believing I was getting the phone for twenty a month. If a contract wasn't involved I might have been willing to give it a month or two to see if my son would find a job to pay for his own part of the bill.

We picked up a less fancier phone with a lot less minutes but we think it's probably actually the best for us because one we can afford it and two it's not cool so if he wants a better phone or more minutes then he will have to earn it. Plus, I do have unlimited minutes and if he came to me and asked me if he could use my phone to talk to someone I just don't see a big problem with that.

I have a question. I have been open that I have a special needs child but it hasn't been the main point of my blog so it's not something that I talk about all the time. Besides, asthma and allergies my son has a DX of Autism and ADHD and has some obsessive behaviors. They are almost comical at times. He loves to sharpen pencils until they are gone. He could go thru 5 a day. We do mechanical pencils and he runs thru them fast by breaking the lead or taking the pencil apart.

His other obsession is with food and hopefully I have a new one forming as in wanting to go to the Y.

His doctor has suggested we go for assessment at a mental health place. I put it off and when the doc called and wanted to see him for a recheck on the asthma and asked me about the assessment I felt like putting my head down in shame because I blew it off. But I know it's the right thing to do if I want to explore treatments that might help that don't involve medication. Neither of my sons have ever been effectually treated with ADHD medication.

I am dreading taking my son for the assessment. Tomorrow, is the perfect day to take him cause he is off of school and I am off of work. I had two extra days off due to medical appointments on Wednesday and off tomorrow for a family night at this place that used to do his therapy. Not sure if we are going now because I just feel like I have too much on my hands.

My point in writing as anyone taken a child special needs or not special needs to a clinic for mental health reasons. I love my son. I think he is perfect and I love even his silly things but do wonder if there is more that could be done. He compared a yo yo obsession to my addiction to diet soda. He will get so fixated on something and he can't focus to learn.

So if you have taken your child how do you prepare them for the assessment without crushing their ego and making them feel not good enough? I am thinking of telling my son it's like going to the Doc but no one gives shots or medications.

I am thinking of hitting up the movies that are pretty close to the clinic but his thing right now is the Y and not sure I really want to do all three and four if we count going to the family night. I had a five hour shift today and then one hour break and a six hour and half shift so I do crave just relaxing times at home.

family time

As much as I am going to miss being around babies from volunteering for MELD. I have decided to make the best of the new free time. My son really needs exercise and I have been taking him to the YMCA for a class once a week. The only bad thing is that the Y hasn't been reliable to always have the class. When they do my son loves the class.

After several times of the class not going on.. I spoke with a manager about him using the cardio machines and it was agreed that he could have an orientation even though he isn't 13.

Monday, he had his orientation to learn the cardio machines and the strength training machines. At first, he said, I don't want to learn those machines (meaning weights) As soon, as the instructor, showed him how each machine worked he was hooked.

After the orientation, we worked out on the treadmill and the elliptical and then we did the weight machines. He LOVED them. I have never been too much into weights. I personally don't like being around all the guys. However, even though my son can use the machines on his own it's suggested that I stay with him until he is more comfortable and really it's what I will probably do for quite sometime.

I went ahead and did a few of the weight machines and he was being so helpful and showing me how to do them and I was glad that he took the whistle off the wristband that I bought so he could keep his Y card on it. I could see him blowing it for not doing things fast enough or wrong. I did have to keep reminding my son that this isn't a race.

So, basically, I am going to be aiming to get my son to the Y more than once a week. I have started going to a high energy water class and I really like it. I really hope that his classes become reliable because that is an issue that I struggle with. I want him to get exercise but I need it too not just for my physical health but it helps my mental health. The class is twice a week and I hope to make it a routine to make both of the classes. I have made the last three in a row.

My husband doesn't really want me to bring my son so much that I lose the "Me time" at the YMCA. I do feel like I get less of a workout if my son is next to me because I have to focus so much on what he is doing. I am willing to make adjustments so we both get what we need from the Y.

The last two classes my best friend has joined me at the Y for a workout in the pool. This is new to me and to a certain extent even she distracts me from my workout.

On most Saturday mornings, before work, my sister and I are going to the Y. So, I think I will be able to fit my son is more often at the Y.

I am waiting on a phone call back to talk to them more about the classes. I think they should keep their end of the deal.

Sooner or later, I may decide to look into volunteer options. I know a local pet store takes volunteers to sit with the pets that are up for adoption thru the shelter. Or there is always the pregnancy crisis place here in my town. Maybe, they could use volunteers. I am sure if I get it in my head to volunteer I will find something. I don't know if I could ever get into weekly volunterring after my experience with MELD.

So until the time comes, I am really just putting this time back into my family and most likely Monday will be a Y day for us. I find if I have certain days I am more likely to go.

Monday night

It's taken me sometime to really write about what MELD has done to me. I feel that I spoke up because I couldn't do my best at child care if the Mom's don't do their best to bring in the proper supplies. I tried very hard to ensure that babies went home with a clean diaper to their Mom. I did this for the comfort for the baby and also to make the Mom's feel that when they do right and bring the supplies that it's not for nothing.

Yesterday, my husband took his phone to the cell phone company to switch to using a basic old flip phone and it happened to be mine. They took all my pictures off his phone and put it on his flash drive. There were some pictures of MELD babies. Yes, I was bad but it's not like I plastered them all over online. Most of the children that were shown haven't been coming to group anymore but I remembered my times caring for them just as well as I do with the most recent babies. I have seen children come in as newborns and learn how to crawl, walk and talk. I have seen children come in as walkers but not very verbal suddenly be talking and "helping" out with the babies.

I encouraged the person that ran the Mom's group to bring her daughter in the daycare because it just made sense to me that if she needed a babysitter then it was the place to be. I suggested that the Mom's rotate being in the daycare to assist with the care of the babies. I thought this could give them a good perspective from the daycare providers side of it and it could help them with other child care options.

I feel like I was shoved aside because even though I didn't come right out and say what your doing isn't working. I did offer suggestions and even money for a contest. I don't think your comments are appreciated and I will take you off the volunteer list go well together in the same sentence.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like I think I was the best volunteer but I do believe that I was more reliable than a lot of the people that they have brought in over the two years. I have seen people commit for ten week session and not show up each and every time. I have told volunteers that it looked like the child they were holding were wet (judging by the size of the child's butt) to be told that they are fine. Then, the child pee soaks thru the clothes. I believe that happened once or twice. I have had one volunteer that didn't want to change the babies diapers because she was afraid she could catch AIDS. How crazy is that?

Don't get me wrong there have been some really good volunteers that have been coming in. The most recent two that started coming in and been good and that's why I felt like I could afford to do bi weekly but even they didn't come in the first week so when it was just one lady I felt guilty that I could be leaving them short.

I honestly think that I probably will miss going. I love holding a new baby. I love holding a baby about 3 or 4 months old when they start interacting with other people. I love it when suddenly a crawler is learning to walk. I loved it when a baby or toddler seemed to take to me better probably because for the longest time I was the most reliable one and the longest standing volunteer on Monday night.

My husband is working on writing his own blog post about what he has seen from MELD and if you would like to read his point of view you can check out his blog here. If your up to it leave him a comment on your thoughts because he has emailed several of the directors of MELD>

In another post, I will follow up what how I will fill up my time.

Just for the record the picture of the babies isn't a MELD baby. That is brought to you by google.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to your family from mine. I had a nice quiet day with my husband and grand daughter. The Easter bunny brought 3 baskets for the children plus Grandma bought my grand daughter a couple outfits.
The boys came home from their Dad's and we colored eggs and my husband hid the eggs so the kids could go hunt them. Does anyone else have a 12 and 17 year old hunting for eggs?
I made a really nice pasta recipe that I came across on my smart phone when I was trying to come up with a grocery list for something to make my client next week. I decided to try it out on my family before I cook it for her. I know for sure to cut it in half because it fed my family of four and we still have half of it left.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday. We skyped with my sister and my 3 nieces. It's not as good as in person but when there is miles and miles keeping us apart I guess it's better than nothing.

I made a call to the cell phone company to make sure my bill would only go up the 20 dollars to find out that I was mislead and its going up 50 a month. I can't go this route. It's too much plus the phone isn't getting a signal in my sons room in the basement. We will be either btunring my old phone back on and its free incoming calls without texts or go with a prepaid phone. My son is acting pretty grown up about it but he did ask if the phon could be made to text and not talk to save money. Good try. Haha

I decided to order my son a cell phone. I recently got a smart phone myself so I am with a different company compared to my husband. He wasn't happy that I went with my company instead of his company if I was going to get him a phone which he didn't think he has earned. Honestly, I was just losing my mind wondering where my son was. I don't know if it was all normal fears or adoption stuff causing me to freak out when I didn't know where my son was.

The reason why he wanted me to go with his company because it wouldn't mean being on contract but we would be adding my son on a family plan of minutes and I can't afford to get screwed over with a high bill. I just got my phone a couple months ago so to me a couple months added on to a contract just wasn't a big deal. I also went what I thought was the best deal. The new phone has unlimited talk and text for an extra 20 a month. It's just a basic phone and it won't do anything too fancy.

The phone just came in today and I do have to sit down and talk to my son about him needing to have a job by June to pay for it. I am also thinking about saying something to the point that his brother can use the phone to text or talk to friends and family.

My plan is to have my son mow the yard every week and to give him the job of getting our dogs fur trimmed. He did that a while back and did pretty good. These will be on top of his normal chores so I am hoping that it makes my husband less mad.

I wanted to take a moment to tell my readers thanks for sticking with me even though it's not a lot of adoption related stuff going on. Honestly, I don't feel like I have much to say on adoption. It's not that I don't care or have thoughts but a huge part of my story has came full circle. I know my daughter now and that has helped me a ton.

I do think adoption loss might be part of the reason I was getting frustrated with the MELD Mom's screwing up. I can't wrap my head around the fact that basically I was fired or suggested that I don't volunteer anymore. I will write more about it later.

I just don't want to stop blogging so I will just keep doing what I am doing.

email follow up

I got an email from the man that runs the groups and gets the volunteers. My email wasn't very well received. He took my request for saying I only wanted to come biweekly due to working full time to I will take your name off the volunteer list.

He took my suggestions and said they were appreciated but still basically told me to bug off. I am pretty upset. I been volunteering for them for two years and I have seen a lot of good Mom's drop their children off and I have seen Mom's drop their children off without bottles, formula and bottles. I offered money up to help get them do a contest of some sort for bringing the children with the supplies.

He said employment is more important and he appreciates my volunteering. He doesn't realize that I am off Monday nights for MELD. I have turned down hours/income to honor my agreement to provide childcare for them. I feel like I am being shoved away because I am sort of pointing out that there way isn't working. I also feel like I am being pushed aside because I am not being quiet when babies are left in a wet diaper or cry cause they are hungry and there is no bottle for them.

I am going to sit on this for a day or two before I write him back because I don't want to write when I am mad. But I will probably write him and let him know what I think of all of this.

I am kind of thinking that maybe at this point it is best that I call it quits with MELD. I might still donate clothes here and there but it might be the extent of it.

I really like the idea behind MELD but I think they are getting too caught up in the "feel good actions" and treating the Mom's group as more as a social meeting place to come get dinner and a break from their children.

The driver who they make stay in the daycare as been nice for the most part but is lazy. He says almost on most Monday's that he doesn't "feel good" and shouldn't get too close to the kids. He has been told to help out when our hands are full. He has told me that he wanted black volunteers because maybe the children are not around white people.

Ok I am done ranting for now.

volunteer

I started back up with ME@LD last Monday again and never was clear if I would come weekly or biweekly so I felt like I had to go in today. There were two other volunteers compared to just one other volunteer this week.

Before going tonight, I wrote the man that deals with the volunteer groups and asked how they were standing with volunteers and said I would like to be biweekly and told him how I still had concerns over Mom's not coming in prepared for dropping their children off. I suggested a contest that the lady that runs the Mom groups that if they come prepared with everything their baby needs that they get entered in a drawing and how I could help chip in.


I also suggested that the Mom's rotate staying in the daycare to experience how it is in the daycare. I gave my reasons and we will see what he says.


Last week, one little boy stayed in a wet diaper because Mom didn't bring a bag. This week, I asked Mom, did she have a diaper bag and she said, yes, I will bring it back to you. Mom never brought it back and the boy spent the whole in a diaper that was wet. This boy was bigger than the other babies so borrowing a diaper isn't an option. For every baby that has a diaper bag and I am taking care of that baby or two they get their diaper changed even if it's only slightly wet.

I admitted to the driver and the other volunteers when babies are going wet or hungry because Mom's or Dad's don't do what they are suppose to do then I just don't feel like being here anymore. It's my honest truth.

My husband is upset that they don't do more to show that they appreciate the volunteers by having them a soda or something just to say thanks. Honestly, he has it all wrong. I am working 36 hours for my elderly job. I babysit for the church. (paid job) I am trying to be a good Mom and wife and I want to get my workouts in and work on my son getting some too. I am just tired. If the Mom's and Dad's can't do their part then why should I. If ME@LD hasn't taught them to bring a diaper and a bottle then maybe they are not hitting the mark. I been mentioning Dad's in this post because they have changed the Dad's group to my night.

I love the children. I really do. I try hard to learn their names and considering that most the children are of a different race and have names that are hard for me to say or spell that it's not easy for me. However, once I get the name down I don't forget it. They could not come for weeks and I will remember it.

Some reason, even though, I want to pull away. I just can't stop volunteering for them. I don't know if it's the baby fix or the baby girl fix or I want to be part of keeping young parents with their babies.

I been workout out twice to three times weekly at the Y. I take about one walk a week and been trying to use my weight machines about once a week. I am thinking of trying to do more than just elliptical, treadmill, video bike, swimming at the Y. Don't worry, I don't normally do them all. It's normal for me to do at least two of the cardio machines and sometimes I swim.

I am thinking about trying a low impact aerobics class, zumba and a water class. I am a little afraid of Zumba. I don't want to hurt myself. I used to do aerobics class and a step class years ago. I lost my Y membership when my first husband left me.

Today, I haven't workout at all. I wonder if anyone else gets the way I feel. I feel like it's almost just driving me crazy not to do anything at all. Like it hurts to just do nothing.

Tomorrow, I am going out with my friend to the mall and I am sure we will get some walking around in there but also having lunch. I am trying to figure out how I will get a workout in and also volunteer for MELD. I agreed to come back to MELD for the next session but I never really said weekly or biweekly. There was only one volunteer besides me so I don't know if they don't have enough help this time around again.

I also fear running all day and getting burned out. I am down 15 lbs but don't quite remember when I started using myfitnesspal on my phone. I don't know why I feel so tense without the exercise. I don't want to ignore my family for the sake of getting a workout in everyday plus working. The best thing that I can come up with is that it helps with my stress level.