Tuesday, April 17, 2012

She's not my real daughter

For privacy reasons I can't say who I heard this from. But we were talking about how woman are stronger because we go thru childbirth. (her words not mine) She brings up that she didn't go thru childbirth cause she adopted her two kids.

I told her that she is a Mother and the hard part of being a Mom isn't only child birth it's raising the children.

She went on to tell me one of her children died and the other one wasn't her real daughter.

I find this statement so sad. How can someone say that about a child that they raised. It's just a very bad thing for any Mother to say about her own child. She I wonder while raising her she said this is my fake daughter.

Oh and I wanted to tell anyone that was commenting about the child support issue if any of my comments came off rude. I wrote that post when I was upset that my husband brought that up and writing helps me blow off steam. I think in some ways my husband falls into the category that I can talk bad about him but you better not. haha When I look at it from his point of side of things I can see the reason that he feels the way he does but in the end what matters is that my sons' needs are being taken care of with the support from myself, my husband's and my ex.


Karen said...

If she adopted them, or they were her stepchildren, sadly, society sometimes makes women feel as if not giving birth to a child does not entitle them to be their "real" mother. Look at any headline news, that talks about a situation (good or bad) when the child is adopted and it usually states, "Her adoptive parents", not "her parents" even though they are legally the parents.
And vise versa...as in your case, if you adopt your child to another family, society does not allow you to claim her as your "real" child. Even after reunification.
I took a good part in raising my stepchildren (with my ex husband), and I never had an endearing name they could call me, like mom. I was always Karen to them. And in the end, when I divorced their father, they were young adults, but they stopped contact with me for the longest time, because "blood is thicker than water" so to speak. It made me very sad because I had such a big part of raising them.
Interesting that you noticed what she said though. And it just goes to show that you have a heart, by noticing it. I hope you were able to assure her that if she had anything to do with parenting them, that she might not be their "mother" but she most certainly was their parent, and made a difference in their lives.

birthmothertalks said...

She almost always talks negative about her daughter when she does speak of her and brings up how her daughter came to her and how her daughter always threw it in her face that I don't have to listen to you cause I am adopted. I was too shocked to really try to tell her she had a difference in their life especially since she does talk so poorly about her.
I never really thought about how society doesn't let me claim my daughter as my real daughter. I have thought often how society has treated me in general which makes if hard to speak out especially in a case like today. I spend too much time with this person to really try to educate them and risk making things weird.
Sorry about your stepchildren. It must been very hard. This has been my biggest fear with having step children of my own and a granddaughter who is a step grand daughter even though I don't think of her that way and would never call her that. With my step children that is probably a factor that has prevented me from being too close. And honestly if my Dad were to divorce his wife or pass away before him.. I don't think I would have anything to do with her. Or if I did it would be very little. She just hasn't been a nice person and even though she has her moments of trying to be a Mom to her 4 step children I just can't get over the fact how she told my younger sister that I had an abortion. Well, I feel like I have rambled on long enough for now.

Karen said...

Well, there it is right there then...she does not respect her daughter, and her daughter in return does not respect her, probably because she is afraid of her heart not being guarded (against her own mother).
I try to "catch my daughter" doing great things. And she does do wonderful things, all the time!!
I also embrace for my daughter that she has a birth mother, and I let her feel the way she feels...good or bad about the situation. But because of that, no matter how she feels about the situation, she feels good about our relationship. I couldn't ever imagine her saying "You're not my real mom" because I would never think of her as "not my real daughter". Perhaps your friend does not think of her as her real daughter, but instead as her real burden.....sad. So sad. Those are usually the parents that also turn around and say, "You should be thankful that I did XYZ for you!!!" followed by derogatory name calling.

Karen said...

Even though I raised my step children, and we have an ok relationship now, I would like a closer bond with them now....but yeah, I hear you about MY OWN stepmother. She's an extremely selfish woman, and the hardest part of their relationship is that I cannot have a relationship with my dad without going through her. I honestly do not recall the last time I had time alone with him, and I used to have that all the time. And to boot...she (GAG ME) calls him Daddy. I don't even call him "DADDY"! And Im his only girl.
But then I had to realize that at some point he has to be responsible for his own lack of relationship with me. I think it's too much trouble to try to explain it to her, so he lets her rule the roost with her higharchy attitude. Sadly, Ive often wondered if she were to die first (not that I want her to go, but someone has to go first, right?) If she were to go first, then would have a relationship with my dad again?...but Im so torn by that idea, because 1. who wants to think about someone dying, ya know? and 2. he would be so lost without a wife in his life. He was married to my mom for 30 years (directly out of high school), and he's been married to her for 27 now. He's not the type of man who can live alone.