Should I let my son move in with his father?

Is what someone googled and found my blog.

NO!! NO!! Don't do that!! NO WAY!!

If your son is going to his fathers twice a month for 48 hours the chances are that the child and father have a disney land relationship. Father doesn't push bedtimes because he only see's the child four days out of the month. Father probably has the spare income to do "fun" things because he probably only pays 20% of his income in support and doesn't feed and cloth the child all the rest of the days of the month.

Don't get me wrong. I could be off here and maybe some parents who children don't live with them are spending more than two days a week and doesn't do disneyland parenting style but chances are more do than don't.

If a child is requesting to live with the parent that doesn't take care of them the majority of the time.. chances are they think the grass is grenner on the other side and veiw "mom" as mean and wants to get away from her. Truth is that they just think it's all fun and games at the other house.

I have blogged a lot about our struggles and my son hasn't grown up very well due to the move to his Dad's place. His Dad treated him more like a room mate than father and child.

I learned the hard way. No!!!!

My Mom was at our house for Christmas and I am wondering what she thought of Izzy's pictures being plastered all over my kitchen. At one point I seen her looking at the big picture frame so I am pretty sure she seen Izzy. I don't suppose I will ever know her true feelings about her since it's not a subject either of us is willing to bring up. Yep. It's just a superficial relationship at best. I can accept that at the moment. Maybe someday there will be hope for a deeper relationship but for the moment I am not holding my breath.

Christmas recap

Christmas went pretty well at my house. We did gifts in the morning. I got gifts from both of my sons. One got my huge water bottle for working out and I love it. The other son got me fuzzy socks! I love them too.

I toned down the gifts I got Alex down quite a bit. I spent about half as much and Stephen had more gifts than Alex. I had a goal of the most I would spend and didn't get to the goal. I found a couple great deals and didn't see the need to keep on spending.

If Alex didn't appreaciate my gifts hopefully after he went to his Dad's and got a tshirt for Christmas he did a little more. His brother got a nerf gun. Dad hasn't been one to keep up the tradtion of Christmas morning with a tree full of gifts. I was a little surprised that Alex wasn't more bothered by it. However, one of the gifts I got him was a nerf gun so he was running around here with two nert guns and glasses that are for night vision. It created quite a funny image. I took a pic and will have to try to post it sometime.

We had family over for Christmas dinner and that went pretty well. My Mom was here. Now, I have seen her twice in the past month. It might be a new record. My Mom hasn't really given me gifts in years. I was shocked when she came over with a handfull of gifts. Mine was labled to family and I really thought I was going to find hard cookies that she brings every year. No offence to those that make hard cookies but I like mine soft. LOL I seen a card and my first reaction was she wrapped a card in a box. LOL Well, it was a 100 bucks for my family. Totally unexpected but nice.

This Christmas I have felt overly blessed with the amount of money and gifts that I was given. Number one. Is that Izzy shipped me a gift and it arrived on Christmas eve. I was given 100 dollars from one client's family and a twenty dollar gift card from another client's family. My work gave us all a bonus and it resulted in an 80 dollar bonus. It helped me put the finishing touches on Christmas at my house.

Today, I went out to spend my Christmas money. I took my son along because he had a gift card from his other Grandma. While I was at the game store I asked about the wii fit board and it was affordable enough for me to get one. Little did I know I had to buy a game too though. Good thing it was only a dollar.

My last stop was to go shopping for new bras. I been having a hard time feeling like I have the fit and about a month ago I was measured and found to be wearing the wrong size. At first I was sad cause Victoria Secret doesn't cover them in that size and I thought I am never going to ever really be able to get bras as in cute bras. They told me about this other store and the average price was 40 bucks and I couldn't buy them. However, when I looked online this week I noticed they had a sale buy two get two free. So, with my Christmas money I got 4 new fancy bras, wii fitness board and game.

Also, my sister bought me a heart moniter to aid me in my weight loss. It's something I been thinking about and wasn't sure if I was anal enough to actually be that petty about calories.

I can't forget that my bonus daughter gave us a gift card for a fancy place to eat. It's right on the fence if it's something we can afford to eat at or not. I been there once with a friend and it's one of those places where you might as well order dinner food because to eat lunch light your going to be spending quite a bit for that bite to eat.

I was talking to my husband how the children's father is running around with an expensive dork cord and an expensive hand held gaming system and how he didn't really put any effort on Christmas gifts for the kids. I thought about how I put off buying the bras and other things that I wanted or needed to provide Christmas presents for my kids and the few other people I buy for. It's intereting how my needs and wants to got met. The only thing I sort of need to work on getting is new pj's because mine are 2x and I probably can so size large now. The only thing that I can think of is that Karma took care of me.

I took a couple days off from dieting to eat Christmas sweets. Today was the first day back to eating right. I am aiming to get to 45 lbs lost before we go out to eat. Just a little way to motivate myself.

Christmas photos again.

These baskets on the ones I made for a few of the women in my life. The little basket was for my son's girlfriend. It wasn't planned but I had picked up a tiny basket in hoping I could send it to Izzy but it wouldn't fit in the box. I picked up a small bath and body lotion kit, put an apple in it and a few pieces of candy.

The other baskets are my sister's and my step daughter's Christmas gift. I made my sister a coffee cup with photos of her cat and it was a big hit. My stepdaugther seemed to love hers too. It was more of a basket for pamerping herself. It had a kit for your feet to get rid of the dry skin, lotion. Plus it has finger nail polish, candle and candy.

Christmas photos

These baskets are what I made my sons for Christmas. I got the idea to make them a basket full of goodies from seeing an overpriced basket at the grocery store. This was pretty inexpensive. I found the baskets at the thrift store for a buck each. In total, I made five baskets but thought I would show the others off an another day.

Christmas eve!!

It's been a busy day! Luckily I didn't have to do any last minute Christmas shopping so that's a relief. I didn't even have to do much wrapping.

I did make one pie, fudge, choclate chip cookies and peanut butter cookies. I am beat.

A gift Izzy sent me reached me today. My sister was here when I opened the box to find the gift wrap bag was tore. My sister wrapped the box for me so the surpise wasn't ruined for me.

I made baskets full of goodies for my two sons. I made a tiny basket for my son's girlfriend. It just had a cheapy bottle of lotion, body soap, an apple and a few candies.

I made baskets for my sister and my step daughter. My friend taught me how to made the baskets and I find it so fun to put them together. I will post pictures of them at another date.

I was pretty excited this Christmas that I didn't take any loans or use credit cards. (not that I have them) I can't say I didn't spend about my means cause it's not everyday that in one months time you spend X amount of dollars on a handful of people.

I even took more effort for little gifts for the stockings! Question: if your kids don't believe in Santa anymore.. do you still fill stockings for the tradition? My 12 year old is on the fense. I think my husband told him not to say Santa doesn't exsist. LOL

Another Question: How much does gift giving play out in your Christmas celebrations? For years I tried to buy for everyone and then went for a couple years only buying for my boys. With in the last few years I have started to buy for other people again. I can't tell you if reunion has made this change or it's just naturally started happening again that I make the effort to buy for others. I admit that if I know others are buying me gifts or even more so buy for my children then I am more likely to try to give a gift back. I also have a thing with being more likely to buy for other women if we have good relaitonships but if we don't then it's not something I stress about.

So I have bought for my two sons. My daughter and my bonus daughter. I got my husband a board game. We don't buy gifts for each other. I bought for my sister. I gave money to Stephen to buy for his three grandparents and uncle who will be at my house tomorrow.

I think a lot of it is that my little sister has taken it upon herself to buy gifts for everyone and that in turn makes me want to try to give gifts back.
Merry Christmas to everyone!!

pictures.

Call me weak or a pushover but I knew it was bugging Alex that he didn't have any money for Christmas shopping. I had been feeling stressed over a to do list I have given myself.

One was to fill the third of the way done big picture frame that my younger sister gave me for Christmas. I wanted her to see it done and was feeling stressed over finding the time to do it and other things.

I gave my son three chores and one was to fill the frame up with pictures. I had only done a third of the frame and gave my son hundreds of prints to choose from. My only request was to make sure he put up a couple of Izzy.

I came home to a beautifully done picture frame. He took our picture form our first face to face meeting and put it in the center. On the left was a baby picture of me and the right of the reunion picture was one of Izzy when she looked about 3 or so.

It was pefect. The funny thing that I think is blog worthy is that I wonder how many people have a framed picture of the same picture three times in their house? In the kitchen is already a frame picture of the reunion along side one of Izzy when she was a teen. In my living room is a glass photo thing my sister made of the reunion shot.

Tonight, Stephen is with his aunt shopping for gifts. It's been a tradition for the last few years that she takes him shopping with my money and she helps him wrap them and they usually get dinner too.

I been feeling a little guilty that I never started the same or simliar tradition with Alex over the years. Truth is that with him living 3 and half years with his Dad that I wasn't helping him form relatonships as I do with Stephen. My sister has been a great aunt for both kids but more so for Stephen. She has been there for this Christmas tradition. Also, when he needs a ride to REC night she is always willing if she isn't working.

Merry Christmas

Marry Christmas from my family to your family!!

These pictures were taking at the Breakfast with Santa event. My son's were the biggest kids there. Notice I still call my 18 year old a kid!! LOL In my eyes he will always be a kid. Being there felt a little weird as in my kids are growing up too fast. I had to do a lot of begging to get pictures with Santa.

Stephen doesn't believe in Santa anymore but Mom and Stepdad told him to sshhh so we will still play Santa. My Mom never quit filling my stocking until I moved out and then I no longer got a stocking full of goodies. This year I actually bought stuff for my husband's and my stocking. Stephen asked me if Santa was going to fill mine too. He loves spoiling him Momma.

My sister is taking him shopping soon so he can get his family members gifts. This year I am doing things different and sent their Dad a message saying that I can't afford to shop for his side of the family. I said they can drop off some money or his stepmom could pick him up. They went of stepmom taking him shopping so that's suppose to be tomorrow.

Well, better get to bed so I will wake up and do zumba. Then, Stephen is treating me to McDonald's from a gift card that he got from the church. I rarely eat there but it's burning a hole in his pocket.

The other day I was at A Christmas work party for my main job. I seen a co worker that I used to share a client with. It was my live in client. I haven't seen this co worker in a couple years because she quit but I thought she had came back because they announce the hiring of new people.

So when I seen her walk in I went over to her and said are You Debbie? She said yes and oh my god!!! She got up and hug me. She asked me did I ever have a chance to meet my daughter? I had totally forgotten that I told her about my daughter and the scrapbook I was making for her. I remember she gave me a digital camera because mine broke. It was nice to see someone who would ask and actually for me to be able to share the good news that I had reunited with my missing daughter.

Well, I better get ready for work. I just wanted to share how exciting it was for someone to remember me sharing my story and for over two years later that they would ask about it.

Uncomfortalbe conversations

I had a very hard time talking to my son about the job issue and me kicking him out in 4 months. I was very honest about how we need the income he could bring in with the small amount we talked about charging him. I was honest how my husband is giving me a hard time and how I am being bitched at for what he is or isn't doing and I am just plain tired of being bitched at. I was honest in telling him that his Dad hasn't paid child support on a regular basis.

I literlly started to cry because I am worried about him due to him not being able to take care of himself should anything happen to me or the reality of me having to follow through on my threat.

I told my son I would try to help him anyway possbible. My husband is going to take him to the unemployment office to see if there are any recourses he can take advantage of. They are going tomorrow.

I am going to try to get him a bus pass or ticket in the next week or so that way if he needs to explore outside of the neighborhood he can.

While I was at it for having weird conversations I did something else. It's been heavy on my mind that my son has a girlfriend.

I sent her a private message asking about birth control. I said I am not asking if your having sex with Alex but I need to know if you have birth control. She replied that she has been asking her Mom to take her to get some but so far hasn't.

I told her how I believe the health department gives free birth control and if she needed a ride I could help her out. I explained how I was a Mom young and don't want to watch them struggle. She seemed shocked that she could go without her Mom and I said I was pretty sure she could. I asked her to follow up on it and let's get working on it.

I told her how when I was 17 I went to look into birth control and I was pregnant with Alex. Also mentioned losing my first to adoption and I wouldn't want to see that happen to anyone.

I know birth control isn't all the women's responsability but honestly it was the easier one for me to bring up the subject.

recipe

Of course. It's simple! Ingredients: (You just ad them to your crock pot) 3 frozen chicken breasts, 1 can of low sodium black beans--or any variation of black beans. 1 can of fat free/low fat cream of chicken soup, frozen corn--as much or as little as you like. I used 1/2 bag. 1 can of enchilada sauce, 1 cup of shredded cheese (the recipe called for colby jack but I only had Mexican blend 2%) 1 1/2 cups of milk. We normally don't keep cow milk on hand--we used almond but you can use whatever! Salt and pepper--I only used pepper. That's it! I also added crushed red pepper flakes, minced garlic, and some cayenne pepper because I like the heat! Throw it all in your crock pot on 6 hours on low. My crock pot's settings only had 6 hours on high so I just did that but I think I will take it out an hour or so earlier.

I really didn't mean to post this recipe. Izzy had said something on facebook about a recipe she was trying so I asked for the recipe and cut and pasted it and meant to save it in an unpublished post. So, ya have a guest post from my daughter.

plans

My plan is tomorrow to set out of the house about 930 am with Alex and the gifts in the box that I got for Izzy and her fiance.

I got Izzy two matching candle holders and six candlee for them. She is also getting a pretty bath set that I got at Walgreens for a great deal. I got a gift for her and her fiance. It's a set of snoopy mugs and hot chocolate. I even picked up a five dollar stocking thing for her dogs. It's all gonna fit in the box but not with much room to kill.

The reason I am bringing my son is because I plan on taking him to the thrift store to try to find him some clothes that might look good for job unterview or even hunting as in asking about jobs. I am going to look into picking up a used coat and make sure he has gloves.

I plan on sitting down maybe with some lunch and telling him that he has four months from this date to have a job and pay rent or move out. I am nervous about this conversation cause sometimes things come out all wrong. I just can't afford to take care of his every needs. I really planned on his rent money giving me a little breating room. The amount my husband and I talked about was a minumin of 20 a week and a maxium of 40 a week. This was going to be based on his weekly pay check. If one week he had 32 hours he would pay 32 dollars. If he only worked ten hours he would still owes 20 dollars. It was hopefully going to be a reason to work.

I don't know what the future holds and not sure if I am ready for him not to live with me. It's that letting go part that is pulling at my heart strings when I really think of him moving out.

Right now my husband is so unhappy and pissed all the time. I get why he is upset on some of the things. He wakes up early and his favorite time of the day is our granddaughter's nap time. Alex disrespects that time by coming in and out and in and out. Also, by trying to talk to my husband while he is snoozing or reading a book.

My husband was really big on grownup time and certain times of the night kids don't wander thru the house and Alex comes and goes ect and there isn't adult time so much anymore.

Some of the areas I feel is petty is my husband feeling upset about Alex sharing his dinner with his GF. I guess tonight, while I was working, Alex ate half of his dinner and took the rest downstairs to his girlfriend. I find it's sort of cute and that's what my first husband did for me when we were teens.

I guess tonight Alex asked for chips and he doesn't really want to agree that he can eat the chips cause it's not his fault that he gave half of his dinner away and why should it cost him more money? I just find it petty. I figure at least he is asking instead of just taking which I thought was half of the battle.

Now, I get my husband being upset if Alex is going thru the cubbards after midnight when we all are in bed. My husband tends to be awake until at least midnight and is up at 6 am. He is a light sleeper and hears all the things going on in the kitchen.

I just hope I can get my message across without is all sounding about money and making him feel bad. I just want him to move forward with the next step of his life and that's taking care of himself.

If I treat Stephen to lunch or a movie or something else special I don't want to always feel like the bad guy not including Alex. Now if sometimes Alex had his own money it would be alright if he joined us.

Besides trying to round up some new gently used clothes for my son I plan on trying to do a couple other things to help him out. One is get him a pass for the bus. I firmly believe that jobs only come to those that hunt for them. As in checking in person and making yourself known. I am thinking about giving him one day a week for a few weeks where I would drive him to a couple places. I would probably have to cut back volunteering to do this. I don't mind trying to help him but he has to be willing to help himself too.

Wish me luck, I love my son very dearly and I feel like he is a good kid but could very easily end up with a crimminal record playing follow the leader with his friends.

One of our neighbors has implied that Alex lost his job for some kind of theft. I don't know how true that is or not.

Wish me luck and if you have any job hunting pointers send them my way.

working out.

I try to take Stephen to the gym with me at least once a week if he is done with his homework. There is this video bike that you can ride and post your ride to facebook for all to see. I try to warm up with riding anywhere from a mile to about three.

I recently set Stephen up so if he rides it his rides will post to facebook and he was resisting doing it.

Last night, I thought was a good night at the Y. I didn't find him sitting on the computers which is a sore post that I have with the Y.

My son told me on the way home how he rode the video bike and sounded like he played in the kids gym playing dodge ball with one of the classes that the Y has going on.

We get home at near bedtime and I had forgot my phone so I called my sister back and before I know it what I am hearing is a fight. It sounds like my husband was being a jerk cause it took him ten minutes to go one mile. I kept hearing how your Mom would beat you and my son was getting upset because we do not do the same track and I honestly believe he doesn't get the time as in beating but how could we beat one another if we are using different "games" on the bike.

I had to get off the phone to break off the arguement and get my son to bed. My husband was pissed because he was trying to say that his general message was my son could do better next time. My son was trying to say he couldn't do better.

I feel that if he isn't going to the gym and doesn't get that riding those bikes are not the easiest thing to do then don't comment on who could do better. I think last night I did about two and half miles in 9 minutes and I did break my last record of about 9 and half minutes. My husband actually asked me your not riding it really fast are you? As in riding the bike is a peice of cake! It's not a huge calorie burn but it does start you sweating like a pig.

I exploded after Stephen went to bed. I basically went off cause all he does is bitch and nag. It doesn't end when I go to work. I still get the bitchy messages. I aplogized for not having perfect children. I aplogzied that he doesn't have a life outside of this house.

He was basically trying to say that since Stephen tends to try to hide homework that he doesn't trust him with telling the truth about working out.

I go to the Y and I spend at least an hour working out and often times it's an hour and half. Then I shower and get dressed that takes me another half hour. I don't expect Stephen to work out hard core. Almost anything is better than him sitting in front of the tv at home. In the time hopefully gets some exersice in but also just interacts with other kids and adults at the Y is what I like him to do.

He is 5'3 and weights 148 lbs. He used to be at 150 and has dropped the two pounds and we haven't seen a gain in at least nine months.

Date night

My husband and I went to dinner at a place that we haven't been to in a while. They changed locations and had a special on Tuesday night.

We made Alex babysit and cook a simple dinner. This is something that I have to work on with both my husband and Alex. My husband isn't thrilled with leaving him here and also afraid if Alex was angry he would take it out of Stephen.

However, we left after homework was done and got here before bedtime so it would be less behavior issues from Stephen.

Alex wanted to cook tacos but my husband made him do just hot dogs and chips for safety reasons and less clean up.

We had a pretty good dinner but wish we could have left the talk about Alex at home. I get enough of that. One major issue we are concerned about is Alex's not being able to grasp that as part of this family he has to help out with chores ect.

One major issue that we have to deal with asap that my husband brought up is that Alex is walking around in 30 degree weather in a light jacket. It's dangerous temps to not be covered and warmly dressed.

My husband says he knows of a place where when one is in need that you can just go pick up a coat from one that is donanted. I don't know how I feel about that. I always know people collect coats for those in need but never knew how people go about getting one. Also, Alex does have a coat not sure why he hasn't been wearing it.

I figure I could afford to pick up a used coat but not really a brand new one but I get the speech how much do we do for this kid when he isn't willing to help himself?

I have completed my Christmas shopping for Izzy and have done a tiny bit for Stephen. I was given a cute little blanket from the nursery that I volunteer from and I was wrapping it when I guess Alex asked my husband what I was doing. I guess my son implied that he couldn't go find me cause I was wrapping gifts.

Basically my husband told him don't worry cause he and himself were not getting gifts. At the moment I haven't bought Alex anything yet but I do plan too. I just think that comment was so mean even if it was made in a joking manner.

I think Alex is just having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he is grown and all the stuff that comes along with it.

I figure since he is 18 and has had a bad track record of his belongings disappearing that his gifts compared to past years will be less. I will spend less money and nothing fancy. I haven't totally decided yet. But I am thinking gift card for the movies, maybe a small one for a fast food place and maybe some practical things that he needs.

I do have the issue of their father not working for two weeks so as of right now he is two weeks behind in child support. I figure that the next time he pays he will pay less due to the only child he has to pay for now is Stephen.

I will be taking him to court soon. I plan on filing for redermination of child support and asking for the back support to be paid.

Question: How do you shop for your children if they are grown? Personaly my Mother gave me dishes before I even moved so the presents got less fun and more practical in those last couple years at home. It's been at least five years since either of my parents bought me a gift.

I think as the older our grown children get the less that a parent would buy them. I look at it this way.. they might have kids and Christms presents is more for kids. I try to buy for all my kids even though they are grown. It's just on a much smaller scale.

I made a wreath for the first time. I actually have never owned one but I remember last year how some of the residents at the nursing home were making wreathes and thought it looked pretty easy.

Visit with my Mom

It had been almost a year since I last seen my Mom. Even with all our differences and all the crap that has gone down it just doesn't sit well with me that we went a whole year without talking or seeing each other.

The last time I had seen her was on Christmas. With Christmas coming and it being at my house I didn't want to wait until Christmas to see her.

I asked my little sister who see's her on somewhat of a normal basis to arrange a time where we could all go to lunch. I can't imagine being alone with my Mom. How dumb does that sound? I am serious though. I don't want to be alone with her.

We all met for lunch. My Mom was shocked at how much weight I have lost and it was the first thing she said to me. Lunch went pretty well. Conversation flowed much easier than I thought it would considering I haven't seen her in such a long time.

Not a whole lot has changed besides me being smaller and my Mom growing her hair out long. I did end up spending some time alone with her due to my sister having some tummy problems.

The conversation did go smoothly but it's all superficial. Meaning there isn't really a Mother daughter relationship between the two of us. It just occurred to me tonight. I am 36 years of age. Meaning I haven't lived at home for 18 years. That is the same number of years that I lived under her roof.

I don't know where this lunch visit and Christmas dinner that she will most likely be at take us. I can't say I have forgiven her but no matter what she is still my Mom.

However, it's funny how I refuse to see or be around my aunt that knew Izzy's parents and promised things to a 15 year old that she had no business promising. Also, hung with my daughter's Mom and my daughter never knew she was related.

I can't forgive her nor do I have any desire to see her or fix anything. Matter of fact I have day dreamed about her dying and me posting on Facebook "dingdong the witch is dead" haha go ahead laugh. You know it's funny.

After lunch my sister and I went and worked out. I was afriad that the stress of the visit would cause me to want to eat poorly and I wanted to try to burn off the stress by working out and not eating.

Honest though, I didn't feel stressed but still wanted to work off some of that lunch at the restaurant.

Christmas is extra important to my sister and myself this year due to her going away to college and not being sure if she would make it back here while she is away.

It's going to be weird with me being the only daughter left in the city we grew up. It will just be me and my brother and my parents.

Questions

A couple weeks ago, with only a days notice, my best friend's Mother called me and invited me to a surprize party. I said I could come and then she just blurted can you give me 25 dollars. I was shocked and told her I didn't know if I had it and if I did I would bring it. She told me she was trying to get a stripper.

I didn't bring cash but wrote a check for twenty. Overall, I don't mind helping with the party but didn't like how she did it. There wasn't a stripper and turns out she asked other friends of my best friend.

This isn't how my friend puts a party together. She would never dream to ask you for money. She might ask you to bring ice, soda or a desert if you could.

Question: Do I tell my friend? Or keep it to myself? My friend is always buying my lunch ect so it's not the money but the way the Mom went about it.

Another question: Alex has a gf and has her over a few times a week. Often times during dinner and we feel put on the spot. I got on him for inviting her to eat pizza with us without asking us first. Tonight, she ate the dinner my husband cooked.

We buy dinner to feed at least 4 to 5 people but 5 is pushing it. We used to use the leftovers for my lunch or my husband's lunch.

Question: For those with older teens. Do you feed your children's gf/bf or friends?

Last question. I am doing my Christmas shopping and within the next week I will be sendng Izzy Christmas gifts. I am scaling it down quite a bit since money is tight.

Question: Do I send a gift for her fiance?

Volunteering

I ended up taking a couple weeks off of volunteering due to picking to free up my Monday cause I thought I had plans with my friend but turned out that her birthday plans fell through so that left me free to spend the few hours with Izzy.

I had signed up to volunteer the day after Thanksgiving but they didn't have kids so no one was working. The next Monday I wasn't feeling so well so my well intended plans to call them and come in didn't happen.

I did call later in the week and choose hours for the past Monday. I only signed up for 2 hours due to time seeming a problem for me.

There were two girls there when I arrived and they are sisters. I got to hold a baby and she slept in my arms. It's so sweet. When the Mom came to pick the kids up she carried the baby on her back and tied a blanket around herself. They said that's how African Mom's tend to carry their children. She didn't say Afrian American or Black but just African and the person who said it was black so not sure if there is a difference. Sorry if this sounds like I am ignorant or putting too much focus on race. I thought it was pretty cool.

After the children left with their Mom I was given the choice of cleaning up the mess from lunch or putting diapers and food away. I chose to put the diapers away due to it being a lot of stair climbing and could use the exersice.

I took a partial picture of the attic. Have you ever seen so many diapers? They use them for the babies but also help families out when they have a need. Up in the attic they had lot of supplies including gifts that they give for holidays and birthdays.

The other two pictures are rooms that I just took a quick shot of. I love this whole set up of this house and know I can't take pictures of kids so I thought part of the house would be second best.

The two bedrooms are upstairs. One is an infant room and the other is a toddler room or big kid room. They take kids up until they're 7th birthday. The bedrooms don't get used much. Basically only for overnights. I guess accourding to heatlh department rules if a child so much as sits on a bed they have to change all the sheets and bedding.

Cooking lessons

To give my son a job and teach him how to prepare meals every night my son is cooking dinner with our direction to show him how it's done.
Tonight was the first night that I have been home to supervise it. The other nights my husband was here. We just made backed fish from a box, augratin potatoes and brocolli.

My son kept going back to his room and then having to be called upstairs to tend to dinner. He did it but not without being grouchy. I asked him who do you think has been preparing meals for you?

It's something we have come to terms with that when it comes to food with him it's anot all laziness. He just doesn't know how to cook.

So we will continue with teaching him how to cook and go from there.

New Blog

A new blogger left a comment on my blog and I just had to check it out. They have 8 children!!! Wow!! This could be an interesting blog to follow. I checked out her blog and they have two biological children and have adopted six children!!

To check this blog out and follow it if you so desire check it out here.

What I haven't admitted to with my 18 year old son is that my husband has refused to allow him a key. I didn't agree with it but at times I do because of a few reasons.

The reasonings would be that as of right now he has to be in by midnight or we lock him out. We don't want anyone coming in and out late at night and we get used to hearing noise and being at risk for break ins. My son isn't all that reliable for remembering to lock the doors. He has broken our trust on a couple times by having his friends (grown men) sleep in our house and even once I went out to the garage to find 3 men.

My husband isn't working and it's very rare that someone isn't home and communication can go a long way if keeping us informed of his comings and goings.

We were going to do the key thing when he turned 18 but with the job loss we haven't.

Another issue that we been dealing with is that my husband refused to let my son stay in our home if we are not home. I have been putting up with this even though I don't like it.

I don't like how it makes me feel as a Mom and I finally expressed how pissed it makes me. It's not that I don't think my son can go out with us or needs the push to go job hunting. It's just that I can't deal with treating my son as if he was the common neighbor we don't know.

I know my son is a cluz and have broke things and hasn't wanted to take responsability. I do get that but my son has never done anything that would really make me judge his charater as a person who would rob our household blind. This doesn't mean that I don't take precautions. I carry my purse in my room at night and I don't just leave cash laying everywhere.

I explained to my husband how sooner or later he is will have to find a job. My husband's unemployment ran out. There could be a time soon when we will have to leave him home alone so we can work. I asked what are you going to do. Stay home protecting our belongings and lose the house? I felt like he really thought about that and agrees that we won't be asking him to leave at everytime we leave.

He does admit that he will have an issue with him going out to work and me going to work and my son sits at home not bringing in any income.

According to my husband they have worked out some little deals. My son is to be cooking dinner with the help of lessons on how to cook during the week. If Stephen is gone to his Dad's then my husband isn't going to make any kind of effort to prepare meals. It would be up to Alex to find dinner in the kitchen.

My husband said he informed Alex that if I treat Stephen to McDonald's or something simliar don't assume your invited. This sounds harsh and it makes me feel bad. But if I treat Stephen to lunch or a movie for all his hard work in school and Alex tags along and isn't doing anything then it's just not a treat.

My husband did some reading about teens and I am hoping it softens his heart somewhat with how he treats my son. I feel like mistreating my child even though he is grown could really hurt my marriage and my feelings for my husband.

teenager struggles

Things have been getting very heated at my house. I don't like the things my son has been doing or not doing but I just don't have it in me to kick him out or withhold food.

I can understand a lot about how my husband feels but at the same time some of his expectations and how he has handled my oldest son isn't the same way I believe he handled his own kids.

My children don't deserve any less than his did.

I know it's going to take a lot of comprises about what we are willing or not willing to do. My husband read some stuff about how to make a grown child move and that's by making things hard on them. Make them miserable. Make them set up to fail.

Tonight, while I was at work. My husband did talk to Alex quite a bit about how everyone is busy doing something and he is doing nothing.

The deal at the moment is that Alex is going to be cooking all our dinners thru our lessions to teach him how to cook. I do agree with this.

Alex's Dad has basically refused to talk to him due to my son not trying to hide that he smokes pot. That and the fact that almost everything Alex has ever been bought (electronics) has disappeared and Dad (bio) thinks it's due to drugs.

Truth be told.. We don't know if that's true or not. His stories are fishy. What we do know is that we are done buying him expensive electronics due to the disappearing act that they do.

It has come out that Alex is mad at Dad because he promised him a tattoo and Dad said he couldn't afford it but spent over 200 on himself.

It has also come out that Alex is mad that I only gave him a 20 dollar gift card. My husband said that they had a talk about how much the house payment is and all the rest of the bills.

I am hoping things calm down a bit. I just can't handle the stress/

Confession time

I might be posting a series of posts about my son and life happenings around here and if you have any advice or feel we as me or my husband are being harsh please tell me but tell me what you would do instead.

My 18 year old doesn't have a job or go to school.

I asked him to help me with dinner and I admit I said it wrong by telling him he would have to cook. I then said that all I expected was help and so far he is flat refusing.

As we speak he is now giving in to helping. If my son had kept on refusing to help what do you think we as parents of a grown child should do?

Zumba live!!

I did zumba at 530 am to help promote a zumbathon for a good cause. They are raising money for tetnus for women in 3rd world countries. It just happened to be live to promote the zumbathon.
My husband watched it and said the camera was on me due to where I was standing. I won't be making an habit of zumba that early in the morning but it was kind of exciting.

Open Adoption, Open heart. Book tour.

I was ask to participate in a book tour of Open Adoption, Open Heart. I found the book to be a good read and it was hard to put it down. I am not going to give my personal opionion about the book in general when it comes to it being an adoption story.

Here is the author's guest post.

We feel like it is our job to load up our kids’ tool box- to do our best to make sure they have the tools they will need for the future. My wife and I went through a lot of crazy things, legal and emotional, while we were going through our adoptions. A lot of things we did for our own benefit and a lot of things were done for the benefit of the birth parents. Everything we did was for the benefit of our children. If we didn’t think it would benefit them, we wouldn’t have done it.
My children are still pretty young. Open Adoption, Open Heart is the story of our first adoption (the story of our second adoption will be out in a few months). It tells about our journey while developing the relationships of an open adoption, starting with our infertility struggles up through one year after our adoption took place. It was important for me to wait a year to write the book because the birth and placement of the child into our home is just a piece of the story- a piece in the middle, not the end.
Open adoption is a broad term that means there is still contact between the biological parents and the adoptive family. In some cases, like with ours, there is a lot of contact. We talk to our son’s birth mom a few times a week and share photos constantly. With our daughter’s birth mom, she has asked for a little more space than that, so we talk to her once every few weeks, and send pictures when she requests them. Contact with our daughter’s birth dad is about the same.
Right now is the time we’re paving the roads. One of our kids is 2 ½ and the other is just 17 months behind. They’re still too young to really comprehend what’s going on. When their birth parents come to visit, I can see that they know of the intense love shown to them- more than just our friends show them, but I don’t think they grasp the difference between that love and the love of, say,their aunts and uncles. We’re working on that, though. We have pictures of their birth parents on their bedroom walls. We take time to explain it to them. They don’t understand yet, but someday it will make sense.
We’re paving those roads, flattening out the bumps the best we can. Someday the time will come when we hand the keys over to the kids. Someday it will be for them to decide what that relationship will be. If they want less contact than what we’ve established, we will be ready to accept that. If they want more contact that what we’ve established, we’ll be ready for that too. The pathway between their biological family and their adopted family will be paved the best we can for when that time comes.
We love their biological families dearly. We love them for whom they are and they love us. Our children will no doubt see that love and our hope is that they’ll respond in kind. Their history is not one of abandonment, but is of love. They’ll have access firsthand to seeing that’s true. Hooray for birth parents. Hooray for open adoption.

adoption reunions

If your an reader on my private blog you might have also read about my visit I had with Izzy with her boyfriend and my two sons.

What I been putting off blogging about is that my first instict is to see Izzy on my own. I know that might sound bad.

Anyways, Alex, my now grown child asked me why was I the only one who got to see Izzy? Well, truth be told that not true. She came to his graduation party and I believe we have celebrated my birthday and Alex's birthday so they have seen her. He actually forgot she was there but then remembered the joke that went bad.

I didn't invite Izzy to any formal birthday plans this year because we kept things really low key for a few reasons. She did have lunch with us on his birthday but it wasn't really made a big deal it was his birthday.

I told Alex that it's not my responsibility to be the middle man in their relationship. It's up to him to try to have an relationship with her. Even though I know that things are not easy. I stand by what I say when it's not up to me to keep them connected using me.

I told him that I try very hard to keep communication opened even if most of our concersations are because I start them. I quickly told him about how the last visit when she was in town last wasn't very good at all. I think I might have said something to the matter of her being a brat. I said all this because I still have to work on my relationship with her. I can't do it for them.

When Izzy and I got together I mentioned to her how he got a little upset with me about not being invited with. She said, he never talks to me. Also, said that he could have come with. I said, yea, I know but shopping didn't seem like the thing to have him tag along with.

I know this adoption reunion thing probably isn't easy on him. I can only imagine how it feels when Izzy does something on facebook and tags her brother that she was raised with "brother" but she doesn't do the samething for him or my other son. If I feel the sting.. I imagine Alex does too. Stephen really isn't on FB much to feel much of anything.

Even though, I told my son it was up to him to make arrangements to see Izzy and gave him her number I still arranged the lunch and game thing for both of my kids. Alex grumbled at my choice of what we were doing but he never offered suggestions for anything else.

Holidays and reunion

In reunion are there any birthchildren and birthparents who celebrate holidays together? Or are they invited but never can come?

My daughter moved away last year but comes "home" several times a year it seems. She is here in town and while we talked about Thanksgiving plans and traditions there wasn't an invite on either of our parts. I haven't met any of her family so of course it's no way expected that she would invite us.

On the other hand, she has met quite a bit of my family. My sister, my sons', my husband, my Dad, my brother, my ex husband and his wife, my best friend, my second Mom (teacher I have blogged about) My best friend,

She has yet to meet my oldest sister, my step brother, my stepmother, my mother, non of my aunts and uncles that are still alive, non of my cousins. (for the record our family just isn't close so it's unlikely she will ever meet any aunts and uncles or cousins)

I didn't invite her for dinner but we didn't invite anyone for Thanksgiving. It was just the four people that live here. Notice, I didn't say family? Isn't that such a loaded word? If we say family while talking to an adoptee.. does that mean we are exlcludind them?

Anyways, I didn't invite her but it's not cause I wouldn't like to spend an holiday with her. I know she has her family and her boyfriend's family and I just wouldn't want to put her on the spot to have to decline the invite.

I do send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her. I really haven't included her boyfriend in gift giving except for I did make him a coffee cup back during the summer and gave them both one filled with candy.

I am just wondering how others deal with holidays and reunion. We have opened our hearts as much as possible to Izzy. She has celebrated my son's 17th birthday and his 18th if you count on outing as his birthday celebration. It really wasn't set up as a birthday thing. More on that later. She has been here in our home for our son's graduation.

Shopping with my girl

My daughter came into town and I asked if we could get together. It's one of those things that I don't have the comfidence in knowing that she would always fit us in. When she answered via text that she would have time I almost felt like it was like duh I have time for you.

We had plans to shop and to get a little fast food that was in the same area. My 17 year old soon got a little upset with me and aksed how come you only get to see Izzy? More on that later.

Anyways, I let go of my expecations and tried to accept whatever it was she was willing to give me. I didn't reqest no boyfrind but shopping thing kind of exlcuded him without excluding him.

She showed up on her own and we went to Old Navy first. I had been planning on actually buying clothes but the prices were too good to pass up.

It just felt so natural talking as we shopped and comparing what we liked and didn't like. It was mostly summer clothes so some of it we joked about how her Dad wouldn't let her wear it. She is the one who brought him up. I find it cute she is 21 and he would still tell her if she was exposing too much skin. I notice that when she talks about her Dad that my jealosy radar doesn't kick in.

We both were very cheap in our chosing of clothes so we walked about with some really good bargains.

We went over to Koh;'s and did the same thing except for I only found one thing that I wanted and she bought abour the same amount of clothes from them. I don't know how anyone really buys clothes from both these stores at full price.

After shopping we walked to taco bell and ate lunch there. Our time felt good there too. It was fast food so I didn't set out expecting a whole lot more time with her at this point. We ate and talked about our diet and how we both are addicted to myfitnesspal. I told her what I beleive is my reason for my results and how I try not to refuse myself anything just eat smaller portions. I explained how I have yet to gain any weight back. I don't sweat it if I don't see a loss.

I think she is beautiful!! I hope she takes some of my diet stragies and uses themself herself. I know what I am doing might not work for everyone but I think the mind set is a lot of it.

We didn't talk about my kids too much. The last time I just felt like I was being judged. I don't think she was trying to come off that way but we have so little time together that I just don't want to talk about my children's faults with her.

We were together shortly over 2 hours!! That was huge!! No speed dating!! I didn't walk away sad and feeling unloved.

We did get asked if we were sisters! She piped up that I am her birthmom. I was glad she said that because I don't know how she would feel if I said she was my daughter wihtout futher explanation.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow blogger and reader friend's!! Hope your holiday is enjoyable with family and a great meal.

I am thankful for a lot of things this year.

Gonna list some but not in any order really.

My family. My children. My reunion with Izzy. Our visits with her went smooth this time around. Greatful to working for a company that treats us pretty well. My pets. My weight loss sucess. Being able to replace the majority of my clothes. The pleasure of actually finding clothes that fit at thrift shops. My long term clients. I still own my own home. Our nice weather so far. Hot chocolate in the winter. I kicked my McDonald's habit. I reduced my soda intake from about 6 liters a day to about 2. I have a good running car. My new friends that I gained from the retreat for special needs. My blogger friends who get adoption stuff. My readers. The child support is coming again. We got past my son's 18th birthday. My love of reading and writing. My special friend Pam who fills a little bit of a role of Mom who I miss out with my own. My friend Rachel who I have known for about ten years.

my secret

I don't really have a secret to weight loss but here is what I have been doing to lose weight.
A blogger blogged about myfitnesspal. It's an ap that you can put on a smartphone and you can use it also online. That smart phone isn't a must but it's been easier having both options.

They gave me a calorie goal and at first it was 2050 calories a day. I told it how much I wanted to lose a week. I don't do well being hungry so I went with one pound a week. MFP gave me a calorie defcit of 500 calories a day to lose the one pound.

From goofing around on the website I have learned a few things. It takes 3500 calories over your TDEE (that is what your body burns a day) to gain weight. So, it takes minus the 3500 calories to lose the weight.

It's pretty simple when you think about it. It's all about the numbers of what is going in and how much you burn. MFP is set up to lose weight even if you don't work out. I haven't really tested that because in April I got into doing zumba and I do it an average of 2 to 4 times a week. I have slowed down on the zumba a bit and started walking to give myself more down time.

Myfitnesspal has you logging your food and workouts (calorie burn) It gives the workout calorie burns back to you to eat. Everyone is different on to eat that or not.

I have tried to go at this as a lifestyle change and not a diet. I did give up most fast food but not all. My biggest problem area on fast food was McDonald's and I rarely eat there now. I do still weekly get Taco Bell after a 12 hour day. Once in a great while I get Subway. We get take out pizza here and there. I try to eat less of it but it's sort of hard. Pizza is so yummy.

I don't not allow myself to eat food from any group. I eat what I want and when I want it. I do measure food on a food scale. I believe everything in moderation.

In the beginning, I looked at my triggers and fixed them by finding another way to satisfy the craving. I had a bad habit at getting little debbie brownies or zingers and those are about 600 to 700 calories. I changed it up where if I get the chocolate craving I will have a candy bar or a couple york mint patties.

I eat a lot of fruit. It's the only way I can keep under my goal on average. I don't eat as many veggies as I should but I do try.

My calorie goal goes down as I lose more weight. I am currently at 1790 a day. It's a bit of a challenge but when I do zumba I burn about 800 calories so it gives me a little wiggle room.

I tend to look at the whole week and not just the day. I might have one or two days where I go over the calorie goal but had other days with say 600 to 800 calories left that I don't sweat it. I figure it all balances out. The point is to have more good days than bad days though.

So in therory you can cut calories and lose weight and not workout. Since I don't feel that will work for me I work out to burn the calories to held aid my loss. I also think it helps shape your body better compared to just using diet alone.

I try to eat healthy along with my treats that I like. I haven't given them up because I don't think I could stick with it if I didn't allow room for my cakes, cookies, brownies and candy bars. Oh and don't forget ice cream. I just don't eat them all in one day. Mostly when I am eating cakes, brownies and stuff it's things we make at home compared to picking up little debbies and zingers on my way to work. I had a bad habit of getting into a routine of always starting my work day with this treat or that treat. I am amazed at how filled my food diary can get if I am not eating loads of high calorie foods.

I have lost weight before and gained it back. I hope it's different this time. I think I have an better understanding of this whole process and the bad part is that when I lost 50 lbs before it was with a weight loss place and I paid them.

It has helped me that I don't sweat it if I don't lose one week. I don't have a home scale so I can only really get a true weight if I workout at the Y in the morning before 3 meals and snacks and water. I do step on the scale but if I am 3 pounds over I don't take it for real because I know I didn't eat 10 grand of calories over my goal.

I have never officially gained any of this weight back. I find that hopeful that I will be able to maintain the loss.

This is going to be a trying week. I overdid it today on calories cause we ate at the church for Thanksgiving. I was just invited to a birthday party tomorrow for my best friend and that is going to interupt my zumba time.

Also, I will be seeing my daughter tomorrow for lunch but it should't set me too far back because I suggested taco bell or Subway. Wedesday my son is turning 18 years of age. Then of course Thanksgiving dinner. I hope it doesn't set me back. I would hate to ruin my record of never gaining them back.

Last points. I haven't done any quick fix diets. It's all been calorie counting and working out. Also, I am not in a big hurry. I didn't gain the weight over night and I don't expect the loss of it overnight.

Hope this helps and maybe get ya started to losing that 40 lbs or anyone else who has been thinking about getting started with weight loss.

I made my 40 lb mark for weight loss. So, if I can scrape the 20 bucks for some new jeans I am going to get my size 14!! I gave away a lot of my clothes in the begging but for some reason I don't want to just give away all my jeans.

I still have some size 20's, 18's and 16's. Maybe it's a what if I gain it back or just don't want to be wasteful and give away good clothes.

I love how jealous my husband is getting. I think it's a healthy jealous because I really don't feel like he is serious.

I have never been able to wear clothes that show off my shape. They have always been lose and hanging. Now, I go for the shirts that either hug my skin or have a little breathing room.

I have 9 and half more pounds to lose before my final goal. If I lose one pound a week I will be done before I know it.

weekend

My son Stephen has gone about a month without a major meltdown. This is huge. His father was suppose to be home from driving truck to surprise him but ended up getting another load. Good thing it was a "surprise" He doesn't know anything different.
I am going to be really curious of Stephen throws a huge fit after this weekend.

He is getting dropped at the Church Sunday early due to the one I babysit for having Thanksgiving lunch. So, hopefully, things will go smoother as he will have a little bit of downtime before we ask him to do his homework and become the mean ones again.

However, we had to let Alex know about the surprise cause no way would he be willing to go with his stepmother for the weekend if Dad wasn't home. So we told Alex about the surpise and had to undo the damage.

My ex told me thanks for understanding. I think he is telling the wrong person. It doesn't matter how I feel. It matters how his children feels.

It's unlikely he will be home for Alex's 18th birthday. I don't know if this new job is worth the money. I have yet to go back to court for back support or to raise the child support. He is still in training mode so I thought I would wait it out.

I am not sure how long I can afford to wait it out though because we are pretty sure my current husband's unemployment has just ran out. Well, I am sure. He is in denial.

Alex is hanging around home more now that he hasn't gotten a job. He has a girlfriend and she has been spending most evenings here. She has been eating meals with us or snacking on food. My husband informed me that she ate 2 bananas and an apple today.

I really like her and not sure what to make of me feeding another person. We wonder if someone else is feeding my son on the days he isn't home. However. without a job that's not too far off anymore. Except he isn't always home for dinner. I know a lot of people disagree with my opionion that sooner or later if he continues to waste his dinner that I would learn how to cook for 3 again on some nights.

My husband has talked to my son about birth control ect. I don't know if they are having sex but I can't live in denial that they might be. My husband seemed to think it hit home with my son when he told him that your Mom and Dad were expecting you at this age now.

Thinking about my son getting a girl pregnant and having a baby is a scary thought. I wonder if this is those ah ha moments that Mom's start seeing things thru our parents eyes. I wonder what I would do if my son and her had a baby and didn't have the means to support it?

Would I have the means to support it? If I am wondering if I can afford to feed the girl an apple and two bananas a day.. will I be able to take care of her baby?

Scary thoughts. Not saying I agree with my Mom but it is scary. I think I would do everthing in my power to help but not sure if it could be enough.

In six days, my son is going to be a legal adult. All my parents children except one left before or right at the age of 18. If he doesn't move out and I don't see it happening this is going to be new for me.

I don't mind my son staying on but he needs a job so he can take care of himself and feed his own girl her fruit. She is really polite and cute and I do like her. She eats like a little mouse so it's not too bad. I don't have the heart to tell a child.she can't eat.

My job has been stressful this week. My clients memories are getting worse and the repective questions are more and more. They also say and do funny things and drive me batty. Holidays make things worse for them.

Good news is that I am getting a review on Tuedays so I will probably get a little raise. I hope the .17 cents go a long way. haha

Speaking of work. I am going to actually get some time off on Thanksgiving so that's cool.

KCC

I have volunteered for Kids Crisis Center five times now. I probably won't be blogging about specific children much because for the most part I have seen different children. They do have regular customers that need help but I am there once a week for three hours so I don't always catch the same kids.

This place is the same as the adoption agency that gave me free counseling. I have came out of the closet on why my heart is in volunteering with children and I tried to tell them the name of the counslors but I drew a blank and couldn't remember either of the two women that I had seen.

Of course later I remembered both of their names. So in a way, my volunteering is paying back for all the free counseling.

While I am there I am doing quite more than I ever did with MELD. It's such a different kind of place. It's a home so I have played, cooked and cleaned. I have even filed paperwork for them.

I love how I can choose my hours and days and it feels less demanding than the other volunteering I did. Besides the fall out with ME%LD. This nursery just fits in with my hectic life better. Also maybe it's cause I am still new to it but I don't feel like they have lost the point of what they are doing.

lifetime

For the last two Fridays I have caught this show on lifetime that is about teens leading down a wrong path of drugs, drinking and stealing ect.

Basically it's an intervention where this guy comes in and tries to work with the family.

First week, it was an adopted 16 year old girl with drug addiction. It so happens that the man that is doing the show was left at a hospital and grew up in foster case and was abused.

The show last night was a 17 year old boy that was adopted from another country at the age of five. He was smoking pot and stealing. Basically made the whole family not want him around.

The family was counting down the days until they could kick him out at 18 years of age. The Dad even admitted to showing dog poop in the boy's face and said he would do it again if needed.
The father had never told his child that he loves him in all the years that they had him.
They even went as far as to tell him that they wished they didn't adopt him.

Both children form these shows had abandonment and rejection issues. The first story the guy felt so strongly that he found her birthmom and they reunited. She learned that she had addiction problems on her side and the side of her biological father's side.

Both children seemed to come to some kind of wanting to change mode and both went off to somewhere to get treatment and to work thur their issues.

The past that struck me as shocking is that they said that 50% of all adoptive children end up homeless. 50% really? I would like to know where they get their numbers from. Also, do the math, 50% of all children raised with their orginal parents are homeless!!

Is this a tragic story of adoption or are today's youth just jacked up?? At what point if a child ends up homeless as an adult is it no longer the fault of the parents or the upbringing?

My son Alex is driving me nuts and so far not job searching that we can tell. Do I really have the guts to throw him out after he turns 18? At what point if he continues to "party" and try to come in at all hours of the night is his homeless state no longer my fault?

I am not implying that I have plans to kick my son out but I feel like when he is acting all big shot "like a grown up" he should be able to take care of himself "like a grownup"

How far do I let my family go down the tubes emotionally and financially for someone who isn't pulling their weight with help of money or even chores.

Done venting!!

I wonder if this show is going to show an adopted child with each episode. In a way, I think it's cool. It shows that adoption isn't always rainbows and sunshine. Also, that adoptive parents are not always gold.

However, to be fair, I think they should show families having issues that were born into the family.

Has anyone else seen the show I am talking about? If so. What did you think about it?

I have yet to buy brand new clothes for myself. I deceided that if tomorrow the scale shows a 2 lb loss making my total loss on my ticker to 39 lbs I am going to buy at least one pair of those size 14 jeans. Wish me luck.

Update: My side thing on weight loss says 39 lbs lost but I am really at 38.5 lbs so I didn't make the goal.

As much as I want the jeans I am still excited to see the loss. I only aim for 1 lb a week but have been trying to eat cleaner and workout more often. I have slowed down on zumba at the YMCA and added walking on most days that I don't do zumba.

I am glad that I am not stalled or going backwards. We have had a while without the meltdowns and it came to me that me slowing down at the Y is another thing that has changed with our family.

The others are that Stepeh didn't go to his Dad's to see the stepmom.
He has had candy everyday but not much and honestly the candy he was given was crappy.
His counslor is away on vacation cause she got married.

I don't know if one of these is the cause of the meltdowns going away or nothing related to it. I will take it though.

Growing up

In two weeks, I will be the Mom to grown up. This is new to me even though I do have an adult child. I am having a hard time wrapping my finger and heart around the idea that at the 18th birthday I lose all legal rights to my son.

Not only do I lose legal rights to him I no longer will be financially responsible for him. I don't have to house him, clothe him or feed him. This doesn't mean that my son will be asked to move out or start feeding himself after his birthday.

He lost his job and he has been told that we can't afford to support him and he must find a new job. One example my husband gave him was on the theory if we gave him 5 dollars a week to eat and how much that is monthly. Kind of late here but I believe that is 140 dollars a month and of course I can't feed a 6 foot 4 inches 200 lb man on five dollars a day.

Another thing we did is that my husband took him to the dollar store and they bought him personal care items and it's been told that he needs to start buying these things.

He has been having his girlfriend over quite a bit and tonight she ate with us. I didn't have enough to feed her so I left in a hurry after only eating half what I would have ate and acted like I was running late to get my friend for aqua zumba. Truth was that I didn't have it in me to serve her half as everyone else was getting.

Speaking of money. I got my first week of child support since my husband changed jobs. For some reason they only took half and sent me 50 dollars. He gets paid weekly now. 50 dollars really shows how little he pays. It's like he pays 25 a week for each kid. I blogged about not being able to feed my kid on five a day.

Child support for Alex will stop when he is 18 but not sure if that requires a court date or not.

Sorry for jumping all over but the whole girlfriend thing.. do I just deal with feeding her since when I was dating their Dad.. his Mom fed me too?

Basically he would give me half of his dinner but he was eating two servings of pork ect. Whatever it was that they ate. I don't overly feed my son don't think cutting his portion in half will work. Is this like payback?

follow up post

I wanted to touch base a little more on this post here.

I call Izzy my daughter and no one can take that away or change my mind. I will refer to Izzy as my sons' sister not birthsister or half. If people can adopt children and their children be whole sisters/brothers then half doesn't belong in the description.

What I want to touch base with is that even though I call Izzy my daughter I respect tht I am not her Mom and she has a Mom that was there for her and will continue to be Mom.

I don't expect the Mother's day card addressed to Mom or birthday cards addressed to Mom. I would love it and would feel honored if Izzy choose to call me Mom or one of her Mother's.

I do have to accept my place in her life and that is her birthmom.

Izzy is my daughter but I am not her Mother.

I know my husband feels a little different and I understand why he feels the way he does. At times he gets upset with me cause I don't like to talk about it. It often ends up feeling like a debate and I am not up for a debate about my right or non right to call Izzy my daughter.

I started trying to lose weight in February. A blogger had wrote about myfitnesspal and since I just recently gotten a new phone I checked out the ap.

When I first started logging my food I thought it was kind of fun. Now, I find it a bit of a chore but keeps me in check with my food intake.

Every time the scale moves I am impressed that I pulled it off. I am 13 lbs away from a 50 lb weight loss goal.

It was with diet and exercise. I know some people blame not having time for an excuse to workout but if I can find time with working full time and being a Mom then I think a majority of the people who say they don't have time actually do if they tried to make it. I do believe that some people say that and it's just the truth. They don't have any time.

Today, I had to return something to Walmart and since my size 16's are loose I decided to try the next size down.

I picked out two size 14's and they fit!! I was amazed and shocked!! Me in a size 14? I don't recall ever owning a size 14. I wish I could have bought the jeans but my husband forgot to give me my debit card back from a soda run and I really can't afford to buy them.

I did the best thing and took a shot of me wearing one of the jeans.

I almost started to cry on the way home. I am not sure if it's the fact that I fit in them or that I had to leave them there.

One little neat thing about this weight loss journey is that Izzy is doing the same thing. We are both 37 pounds down and she said that my picture inspired her.

daughter vs. birthdaughter or sister

My husband and I don't see eye to eye on most adoption related things.

When it comes to Izzy being a sister to my son's. I know my son's will have a much different reltionship than Izzy will have with them. They have different parents and did't grow up together. However, they are sister and brothers.

I just feel like that they all have lost so much that don't take that away from them. Don't make it as if they want to talk about Izzy that they shoudl refer to her as a birthsister. When you think about it isn't everyone a birthsister to their brother or sister?

To Izzy's credit, she has never once told me not to refer to her as "my daughter" We briefly spoke about it in writing and she told me she would feel the same way if she was in my shoes.

I know I didn't raise Izzy. I am not the Mom that was there every day. However, I thought about her daily. I wondered what she was like. Was she safe? Was she happy? I cried many tears of sadness due to just being in the dark. I would wonder if I ran into my own child would I know it's her? The truth is she looks so much like me I would think I would wonder if it's possible. However, I have seen other girls that reminded me of Izzy. Especially before we actually met in person.

One time at my son's school, I seen this girl that really made me wonder was I face to face with my daughter and we don't know each other? I listened in to hear her name cause I just didn't know.

Izzy hadn't agreed to meet me yet and I didn't want to have an accidental meeting for her sake.

Then there is this zumba instructor that reminds me of Izzy and me. I don't know if it's just me but the girl looks like she could fit in our family. I wonder if this the sort of thing that drives adoptees crazy? Staring at someone's face and wondering is it possible they are my mother? my father? My sister? My brother? Or some other distant relative?

Back to the daughter compared to birthdaughter question thing. It's the same thing. I lost so much don't take my right to call her "my daughter" away from me. I see no reason to say "birthdaughter" I don't mean any offence for birthparents that choose to call thier child in that way. Maybe, if I had raised another daughter I might say it to make the difference between placed child and raised child. But I really don't think so.

When it's Izzy's birthday.. I proudly search out the cards that are addressed to my daughter. They don't really make cards that say birthdaughter. I choose them carefully so the card is talking as if I did the hard work.

I suppose the whole child growing up and not knowing they had a sister could make things hard and it might be easier for a child to call her his birthsister or not admit to having a sister.

Alex will tell others he has a sister but Stephen doesn't really do that. Maybe, it has something to do with me telling him to shhhh we don't everyone Mommy gave away your sister. That was before we ever had contact.

I have decided to slow down on the zumba by a little bit. I don't have any clear set plans on if I will go back to my typical average of 3 to 4 times a week.

As of right now, I have decided not to do zumba on Saturday and Sunday both. My plan is to do it on Saturday morning but leave Sunday for more relaxing time. I hope to walk my dog more. I have already been doing that.

I hope to add more swimming to my routine. I am excited to try Aqua Zumba at this place called The Rock. The good part is that they have an hot tub and if you pay the five to get in then you get the use of the whole place. I can't wait to give it a try. I would switch gyms but I like all the YMCA has to offer for families.

I actually met a lady that lives a few streets over because she stopped me cause she seen me walking. She asked if I walked daily and I said no but I do zumba and she got all excited and we exhanged information and she said she would like to try it.


I was a little nervous about the can I ride with you question. LOL Hope she isn't a serial killer. However, I am such a zumba freak and love to share the craze I will risk fighting off a murderer. HAHA

Today, I sent her a text to see if she wanted to walk. We walked about 30 minutes and unless she is packing weapons I think I can take her. She appears to be much older. I am not sure if she understands what she is going herself into. Zumba Fitness Rush - Xbox 360 Kinect - Kinect Games & Accessories (Google Affiliate Ad)

And the truth will set you free...

I love the movie Liar Liar and just had to steal that line. I haven't wanted to write about the job issue with Alex because I am just not sure what to do with Alex.

A couple days before we suspected something was up with his job he fell and broke a tooth on the carts. He explained people were getting fired around the 90 day mark and then came up with that he was sent home due to him not reporting his fall.

When my husband pushed for them to tell him where to go get the tooth fixed since it was work related he came clean that he was fired for being late.

Only in this case the truth isn't going to set him free. It puts him in the hot seat.

He didn't take the job serious. He never bought himself another pair of pants to help assure he had a clean uniform. He didn't make sure he got a decent nights sleep if he worked a morning shift. On a few occasions, we woke him up when we noticed he should have already left. My son acted like this just wasn't a big deal.

My son didn't pay his phone bill and today he should have gotten his last check.

We really don't have any plans. The only plan is to shut him off the internet if his phone isn't on tomorrow. We expect for him to get another job but at what point do you kick your child out? In 20 days, he will be grown. It's not that I am out to charge him an crazy amount for rent. However, I do feel as a newly grown up that he as long with everyone else has a responsbility in our house.

He is rarely home for meals. So much that when the other day he popped in and out and we were wondering what to do because we didn't cook enough chicken wings for a 4th person.

I refuse to support his partying days.

Speaking of support. My ex's new job received my paperwork and already took half of one payment from his weekly check.

Click on my ad's!!! LOL

Hot off the press

Alex has lost his job! Bonus: His phone is shut off!! It's a prepay and he didn't pay it. We don't know any details yet because he has hid from us. There wasn't any contact from Friday to Sunday morning.

My son did hint around the fact that the grocery store hired new people and rumor was they let ya go at the 90 day mark. We don't know if that was a way to ease us into it because he hasn't returned to works since.

I don't know how we are going to handle this. Truth be told. If he is going to live with me as an adult I need help getting the house payment paid. We never talked about charging him more than the 40 a week assuming he earned 40 hours and the minimum we were going to ask for was 20 a week.

make over

One thing that I wanted to get out of the retreat was to get some makeup tips from one of the Mom's that I hung out with last year. I like makeup and want to wear it but just felt clueless. It was suggested that I bring some and my sister helped pick some out.

Make up is expensive and thats probably another reason that I am not very experienced with it. I did have kids young and when your buying kid stuff first make up is the last thing on the mind.

I learned a few things. I need a concealer for the dark circles under my eyes. I havent bought any yet cause it's my broke week from taking time off. She also suggested purple eye liner and I havent picked it up yet.

I did get somewhat expensive eye shadow and lip gloss so for the most part it is staying on. I put it on most days and dont feel as experiences but maybe with more practice.

The apron I am wearing is part of the recipe for sucess theme they had going on for us. We had to pick up a pattern and this really nice lady sewed the pattern on to the basic white apron. We then got to decorate them. Some of us did both sides but I just stuck with the butterfly side.

I think this picture makes me look bigger but oh well.

A recipe for sucess

A recipe for sucess was the theme for the retreat that I went to this past weekend.

We were all asked to email a recipe and they were all printed out and shareed with others. It's kind of neat because I have been into cooking new meals. I been slacking a little bit because I been feeling burned out.

My biggest mistake going into the retreat is thinking that it would be the same. It really wasn't a big deal but now I know that the retreats can vary and it's okay. I figured we would have stuff from bed, bath and beyond on our bed. We didn't.

We had a pot, some herbs, a chocolate bar and an plain white apron that I would later learn was so we could decorate it. I will post pictures soon but for tonight I am too tired to deal with any of that.

The only other spot of the retreat that I was shocked that it was different was there wasn't any smores at the campfire lol

This was my second weekend retreat and I would have to say that even with the few things I mentioned different that the weekend was better than the first. I know it was hard to top it but it was.

I didn't have the nerves because I knew the Mom that I hung out with last year would be back plus I would see other faces that I am friends with either in real life as in seeing each other or we have connection on facebook.

I felt like facebook made the conversations flow even easier because we see a window into each other's life thru the internet that we otherwise wouldnt have seen.

This year, I didn't see the horses at the ranch. I really wanted to concentrate more on the talking to the other Mom's and the manicure. I missed out on it last year.

I was a little worried that I could possibly feel stretched as in not enough of me to go around to talk with all the Mom's but I didn't. Of course, I couldn't talk to every Mom but I did have enough of the few that I did speak to.

At one point, I found myself chatting with two Mom's about blogging and the subjected changed to adoption when I mention that I blog from the perspective of a Birthmom. It was ironic that all three of us were connected to adoption and not one of us were the same. Meaning one was adopted, one adopted children and of course I placed a child for adoption.

One Mom actually reads my blog and it was a little odd talking to someone in person who said, I remember when you wrote about that" ect. Giving the blog address to people in real life is stepping out of my comfort zone but that is cool cause it means steping more out of the closet.

The other Mom, the one who adopted, I shared my blog address and not sure if she has checked it out or not yet. Well, anyways, she had adopted several kids. I am not sure how many. She rocked at understanding the connection to the first family.

The end of the retreat is the white elephant gift exchange. One of my friends told me about her crazy gift and let's just say hemroid medication was just part of it. LOL I actually picked it and she asked why did I do that.. But she never told me what her package looked like.

The funnist thing is that some Mom close to be stole the crazy gift from me. I like to think that she took that so I could have the chance at a nice gift. LOL

I did get a couple frames, candle and some body wash and lotion. Much better.

I will try to post pictures of me wearing the apron and make up. One of the Mom's helped me with make up so I wanted my picture taken.

This blog post doesn't really do the weekend justice. It's really comforting to be around so many other strong Mom's that deal with special needs children day in and day out.

We get spoiled with massages, nails and little gifts. I really enjoyed the downtime of not being responsible for kids and not going to work. They had someone come do zumba so I got to still get an workout in.

This past week has been a hard one. My son had a really hard time coming home from his Dad's and cried that we are mean. He has these major meltdowns that I can't really tell how long they last. Probably not as long as they feel. He has taken to pounding his hand and now wants a hand brace cause his arm hurts.

Wednesday was my husband and mine anniversary and his kid's twins birthday. I got my feelings hurt when he told me that he was going to his son's house while I do zumba. He didn't think about birthday or it being our anniversary so it never occurred to him to invite me along.

Once he invited me, I felt like I was unwanted. I guess it's a self esteem issue for me. I hate feeling jealous. I don't know if any my emotions and tears came from watching October baby the night before.

We did go to his son's and celebrated the twins birthday and I had a nice time. I am glad I went. We didn't take Stephen since we didn't think kids would be there. We asked my sister to watch him and my son had a little hard time with it. I think it's been years since we used a babysitter.

I have been taking it easy. I feel so burned out that I just haven't had it in me to do zumba. I worked all day and evening on Thursday and today (friday) after Stephen left for school I went back to bed.

Then, we went down to the court house to get child support coming out of their father's checks again. He said he would do it on his own but then told me to do it.

The rest of the day, I just took it easy besides taking a 30 minute walk through the woods with my dog.

I hope to get to the Y tomorrow and do zumba. I might have to rethink my 3 to 4 times a week to 2 to 3 times a week.