Saturday, November 3, 2012

daughter vs. birthdaughter or sister

My husband and I don't see eye to eye on most adoption related things.

When it comes to Izzy being a sister to my son's. I know my son's will have a much different reltionship than Izzy will have with them. They have different parents and did't grow up together. However, they are sister and brothers.

I just feel like that they all have lost so much that don't take that away from them. Don't make it as if they want to talk about Izzy that they shoudl refer to her as a birthsister. When you think about it isn't everyone a birthsister to their brother or sister?

To Izzy's credit, she has never once told me not to refer to her as "my daughter" We briefly spoke about it in writing and she told me she would feel the same way if she was in my shoes.

I know I didn't raise Izzy. I am not the Mom that was there every day. However, I thought about her daily. I wondered what she was like. Was she safe? Was she happy? I cried many tears of sadness due to just being in the dark. I would wonder if I ran into my own child would I know it's her? The truth is she looks so much like me I would think I would wonder if it's possible. However, I have seen other girls that reminded me of Izzy. Especially before we actually met in person.

One time at my son's school, I seen this girl that really made me wonder was I face to face with my daughter and we don't know each other? I listened in to hear her name cause I just didn't know.

Izzy hadn't agreed to meet me yet and I didn't want to have an accidental meeting for her sake.

Then there is this zumba instructor that reminds me of Izzy and me. I don't know if it's just me but the girl looks like she could fit in our family. I wonder if this the sort of thing that drives adoptees crazy? Staring at someone's face and wondering is it possible they are my mother? my father? My sister? My brother? Or some other distant relative?

Back to the daughter compared to birthdaughter question thing. It's the same thing. I lost so much don't take my right to call her "my daughter" away from me. I see no reason to say "birthdaughter" I don't mean any offence for birthparents that choose to call thier child in that way. Maybe, if I had raised another daughter I might say it to make the difference between placed child and raised child. But I really don't think so.

When it's Izzy's birthday.. I proudly search out the cards that are addressed to my daughter. They don't really make cards that say birthdaughter. I choose them carefully so the card is talking as if I did the hard work.

I suppose the whole child growing up and not knowing they had a sister could make things hard and it might be easier for a child to call her his birthsister or not admit to having a sister.

Alex will tell others he has a sister but Stephen doesn't really do that. Maybe, it has something to do with me telling him to shhhh we don't everyone Mommy gave away your sister. That was before we ever had contact.

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