Saturday, December 1, 2012

What I haven't admitted to with my 18 year old son is that my husband has refused to allow him a key. I didn't agree with it but at times I do because of a few reasons.

The reasonings would be that as of right now he has to be in by midnight or we lock him out. We don't want anyone coming in and out late at night and we get used to hearing noise and being at risk for break ins. My son isn't all that reliable for remembering to lock the doors. He has broken our trust on a couple times by having his friends (grown men) sleep in our house and even once I went out to the garage to find 3 men.

My husband isn't working and it's very rare that someone isn't home and communication can go a long way if keeping us informed of his comings and goings.

We were going to do the key thing when he turned 18 but with the job loss we haven't.

Another issue that we been dealing with is that my husband refused to let my son stay in our home if we are not home. I have been putting up with this even though I don't like it.

I don't like how it makes me feel as a Mom and I finally expressed how pissed it makes me. It's not that I don't think my son can go out with us or needs the push to go job hunting. It's just that I can't deal with treating my son as if he was the common neighbor we don't know.

I know my son is a cluz and have broke things and hasn't wanted to take responsability. I do get that but my son has never done anything that would really make me judge his charater as a person who would rob our household blind. This doesn't mean that I don't take precautions. I carry my purse in my room at night and I don't just leave cash laying everywhere.

I explained to my husband how sooner or later he is will have to find a job. My husband's unemployment ran out. There could be a time soon when we will have to leave him home alone so we can work. I asked what are you going to do. Stay home protecting our belongings and lose the house? I felt like he really thought about that and agrees that we won't be asking him to leave at everytime we leave.

He does admit that he will have an issue with him going out to work and me going to work and my son sits at home not bringing in any income.

According to my husband they have worked out some little deals. My son is to be cooking dinner with the help of lessons on how to cook during the week. If Stephen is gone to his Dad's then my husband isn't going to make any kind of effort to prepare meals. It would be up to Alex to find dinner in the kitchen.

My husband said he informed Alex that if I treat Stephen to McDonald's or something simliar don't assume your invited. This sounds harsh and it makes me feel bad. But if I treat Stephen to lunch or a movie for all his hard work in school and Alex tags along and isn't doing anything then it's just not a treat.

My husband did some reading about teens and I am hoping it softens his heart somewhat with how he treats my son. I feel like mistreating my child even though he is grown could really hurt my marriage and my feelings for my husband.


Katherine said...

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It's about my family and my life as a mother to 8, six adopted children and 2 biological children. I don't have any followers yet so i'd appreciate it if you'd follow it and/or pass it along to others. Thanks!

Leah said...

I'm not going to lie. . . sometimes I read about how your husband treats your son and it makes me sad. I get that he's 18 now, and should be pulling his weight more than he is. I also get that sometimes you have to do "tough love" on teens this age so they don't think they can take advantage of you and your hospitality. But he's still a child, in so many ways, and he needs to feel like he has a place in this world where he feels completely comfortable and welcome. It sounds like your husband has made it very clear to him that he is a guest and not all that welcome. His dad also couldn't have him there, with the no heat, and the new wife, etc. But on the other hand, if he got a job and pulled his weight, perhaps none of this would be an issue. It's just a hard situation all the way around, and I'm thinking of you, and hoping you and your husband can agree on things. I don't look forward to teenagers. I think I'll keep them young for a bit longer. :)

birthmothertalks said...

Katherine, I am now following your blog and I will give post your blog for others to check out.

Leah, I appreaciate your honesty and I feel sad too. I been putting up with the way my husband treats my son and I am speaking up about it now. I am trying to come to an common thing we all can live with.

My husband has done some reading online about teens and admits that he is being too harsh and is trying to change his thinking and how he deals with my son.

I feel like my son isn't trying to find a job and is perfectly happy just living the life of a kid but with privalges of being an adult.

My husband is saying things like we are only to provide meals and if he wants snacks and goodies then he needs to find his own way even if that means going to the food pantry. I just think my husband is at a loss on how to make him take more responsibility and is just trying to attach rules on things he thinks he can control.

We talk to my son and he doesn't listen. One thing is that my husband gets up very early to take care of our granddaughter and over and over he was been told about quiet time and over and over he wakes up at this time and makes noise.

Tonight, he offered dinner to his gf without even asking if it's okay. We would have said yes but it's the expecation that we have to feed her dinner and snacks that gets on our nerves.

Don't worry too much about teenagers. I feel like we have more of these struggles due to divorce and remarriage and of course neglect on his father's part. But do know that your teenagers will speak another language and you won't know it. LOL

Leah said...

I'm glad you didn't take offense to my family. I truly feel like until we've walked in someone's shoes, we can't really judge. My parents are still married, and I have a brother that sounds a lot like your oldest son. Even people who have had so called "a normal childhood" struggle. Always thinking about you girl! :)

Bri said...

Here are my thoughts, although I have never parented a teenager, only been one!

I agree with Leah in that it seems like he is being treated as a guest and not a member of the household, thus he is acting like one.

What are his/your short term goals? For him to move out or to get a job and start contributing financially?

Regardless, maybe you should all sit down and set goals and rules. Write them down and have everyone agree on them. Everyone may do better if the expectations are clearly laid out. Set dates for goals and think of ways you can all help him achieve those goals.

I think being 18 is one of the hardest ages. You are legally an adult but still so much a kid. you need your parents to help you, but you also think you know everything and are capable of anything.

birthmothertalks said...

Bri, thanks for the suggestions of goals. My husband and I have talked about taking the internet away at such and such point or even turning it off late at night so he will be less likly to stay up all night. We really haven't sat down and talked about what we expect as in do we went him to get his act together and move or pay his fair share of the bills. We basically were going to charge him an minimum of 80 a month and a maximum of 140. My household just can't afford to have two stay at home people.
My son has been treating this house as a hotel and when we have tried to involve him in family activities he refuses so it's not all on my husband not welcoming him.
We are worried about the message it will send to my youngest son who works hard and gets rewards and our oldest son who does almost nothing and gets the same things.
Thanks again for the suggestions. I know this is a tough age but I just can't relate to the laziness.