Scrapbook

Tonight, I looked at my scrapbook twice and looked through photos and got some devolped from my exciting work week. I asked my husband to get paper clips so I could put some of my pictures with my scrapbook sticker type thing. I am going to try to set aside ten bucks a week for the next month to buy scrapbook material or photos and see if I can get going on Izzy's book again.

I bought a lot of my 8 by 11 pages in bulk but I am bored with them. Hopefully, this will kick start my desire to work in the scrapbook again and get it closer to being finished.

What was going on one year ago?

My son was finishing 5th grade and his school was closing down. I took the finishing of grade school really hard and cried lots. I hugged my husband cause I was sad and then my son hugges us and we made it in the newspaper. The reporter assumed I was sad due to the school was closing and we were listed as my sons Mom and Dad. Boy did that make Dad mad that another man was listed as Dad. If I knew what kind of school year middle school would have brought I probably would have cried all summer long. :) lol

In the beginning, of June, I was blogging about the retreat offer for Mom's of special needs children and I wrote how I was nervous about going. I went and had a good time and already been sent the invite and excited to go again.

I blogged about the neighbor that has been too interested in my son. Nothings changed. I still think she is weird. lol

I learned that my state moved to give access to adoptees to get their OBC as long as the birthparents are not refusing it.

In June, I blogged about my Dad inviting Izzy to a family bbq and how nervous I was about the invite and even happy that she couldn't go. Looking back, I now know it was a really bad idea and know I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Izzy did join our house for a graduation party at our house. It's a mircle what difference a year can make. Not that it didn't stop the drama. Nothing is easy about adoption loss and reunion.


In June of last year, I wrote Izzy's birthfather a letter on this blog. I am not anywhere closer to finding his last name or knowing anything about his whereabouts or anyone that remembers much about him. It's almost as if he was just in my imagination. Almost like the Titanic, right? He lives only in my memories and of course my daughter.

My little sister made me a colloge of quite a few of the photots from my meetings with Izzy. I love that she did stuff like that and Izzy can proudly hang on our wall.


In June, I was starting my 6th ten week session with MELD. I can tell from my writings that things were going badly quite a while before I just frustated enough to really speak up. Honestly, I miss volunteering but also feel relief at not having the every week commitment to MELD. I been thinking of taking the donate button of my blog but I don't have the heart to do it even though I am not trying to get donations for MELD. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't support them if I had donations or the means. It's just not the key focus anymore to run around collecting funds or buying baby clothes.

In June, I blogged about feeling like I had to beg to see my oldest son. He lives with me now and it still sometimes feels like I don't see him enough.

In June, I read Ann of Green Cables and loved the book.

In June, we were doing our summer fun stuff like trolley rides and we celebrated four years of owning our own home. I totally missed the anniversary this year. It was a couple days ago.

In June, of last year, I blogged about disliking my ex's new girlfriend. They are now married and even though sometimes she drives me crazy... I think for the most part that she has been pretty nice and has made things easier at times.

In June of last year, I blogged about an unsolved mystery case of a kidnapped baby. I still depress myself by watching scary stuff. I watched three hours of America's most wanted and was pretty scared afterwards.

Lastly, I didn't really blog about her in the month of June, but we were enjoying having our grand daughter around our house while her parents worked. We still watch her and she is tons of fun and I think having a little girl around has been very good for me.

Hope, I didn't bore anyone. I stole this idea from another blogger.

Fireworks canceled

Our city has cancled the fireworks for our city due to the fact that we are experiencing a drought. It stinks and I hope fools don't run up to our neighbor state and buy their own and cause fires around town.

Child support wrongly spent

I seen a dear Ann letter written from the point of a veiw of a stepmom who had to deal with her husband paying child support for two daughters that each had a different mother.

She was complaining that the children's Mother spend the child support wrong and it rarely gets spend on the children. One, I don't get is how does she know what gets spent on the children. There could be plenty of things that she doesn't see. Two, I know there are two sides to each story but the fact that she thinks both Mom's are spending wrongly I wonder if there is more to the story.

She did go on to say that the children often are needing clothes, hair cuts and school related things. I don't recall everything. She made it sound like her husband buys the things the kids need so it felt like they were paying double for children.

I don't know the situation with this family about how much he was ordered to pay and what he earns and what the new wife ears. OF course, her income doesn't come into play for child support.

Just because children are still needing things doesn't mean child support isn't being spent correctly. I am assuming if the Mother's are getting child support that the children live with them and they are putting a roof over their heads and feeding them all the days that they are home.

I believe I have figured out that my children's father pays 3.00 a day to each of my children for support. I can't feed even one of my children for 3 a day and while I know that it's what the judge seems fit that sometimes money might be tight. It could mean that the child has to wait a week or two for that haircut or has to get his clothes for the spring and summer one outfit at a time.

Do I believe that fathers that are paying child support should try to provide a little more. Wouldn't it be nice if Dad said "let me pay for one week of camp" Or "I got this haircut" Or "yes, we can give him a ride home" Or " I want the children an extra day or two"

Do I believe that any of that is worth sueing him for above and beyond the normal support. No. It's just not worth the fighting.

My husband casusally mentioned that when he got his last check that he didn't get any money at all after paying "my child support" This could mean that he will now be offially behind because who knows if he paid the full amount in. I know in the situation like this he wouldn't have done that on his own. Honestly, I don't know if I would have sent every penny that I have if the situation was the other way around.

Sorry, I jumped around quite a bit. I did the like the advice of the columist to record what he spends and talk to his lawyer and go from there.

Scrapbook

I really need to get to working on Izzy's scrapbook. I just can't get into the mood and am not ready to call it done. If she was here today and asking for it.. I wouldn't want to give it to her. I want to do more but just can't bring myself to actually do it. I have ideas of what I want to put down in the book. I want to make some pages about our reunion especially our first meeting. I guess I am thinking that words that I can write on a 8 by 11 page just isn't going to do it justice.

I am also a little bored with what I am creating and am fresh out of ideas to make it stand out. I think part of my stalling is that I have to spend the time going through pictures and probably should go thru the scrapbook to make sure that I didn't already do that. I have to make sure that I don't use original pictures in the book that I am not going to be happy about not knowing.

I have yet to get any pictures of my Grandmother and I haven't gotten anywhere with the two family members that claim they own pictures of her. I really wanted to make her part of my book. I don't know why I feel drawn to my Dad's Mom and not my Mom's Mom. Maybe, it's cause I had a relationship with my Grandfather on my Dad's side and not the one of my Mom's side. Mom's Dad isn't in the scrapbook. When I was given the chance to go through pictures that my Mom owned there wasn't any of him. I probably would have put him in there because he is part of the family story too. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't have relationships. He suffered due to drinking and a poor attempt to take his own life in jail. He didn't die but he damaged himself pretty good and as long as I can remember he couldn't remember people or carry much of a conversation.

I think part of the reason I am not getting anywhere with the scrapbook that it's pretty rare for me to be home alone. I don't really like an audience and just want to get into creating it. Actually, I am home alone now for a few but it's still not going on.

I have tossed around the idea of trying to work on it time to time at the Y. Maybe, after an workout or before. The Y has a lounge where their are tables and if I had an idea of what I want to put together I could make create something there or try to do some of my writings for the really personal stuff.

I want to document pictures of some of the gifts that I have got her and how much I enjoy shopping for her but I am afraid if I really write what it means to me that I would be saying how bad I felt when her parents wouldn't let me send her gifts. I will never forget asking if I could buy her a gift for her first Christmas and being told "no, it's not a good idea" I have to wonder why wouldn't it been a good idea? Were they afraid the 3 month old baby would like my gifts better? I really don't want write things that would make them look bad.

I hope I can find ways around getting my feelings down without putting them down. I really hope that I can feel creative again and want to work on the scrapbook.

I had with notice asked for tonight off from work. I really only get one day off a week where I don't have anywhere that I must go. I am off on Sunday's and Mondays and on Sunday's I work for this church babysitting the children. I like it but when I add the Y to the day I don't spend a whole lot of the day with my family. Every other weekend, they are not even home to spend time with. (my kids)
We went to the neighborhood pool and we swam for about four hours. They are open for six hours and if it been slightly warmer without the wind I would have wanted to stay longer. We packed our lunch boxes with soda and water and snacks and had a really good time.

We came home and my husband and kids made a fire in our fire pit and we sat outside around the fire, with our dogs, and cooked cheeseburgers. They were so yummy. It was such a nice time to just focus on family and not work or my workout at the YMCA.

Off the subject of my day. I been doing quite a bit of reading adoption related stuff on my kindle. I just read the most horrible story so far from an adoptees point of veiw.

It's called Adopted not special not chosen by Calum. He writes about being unwanted and unloved by his birthmother and how he felt like his life was a lie when he found out that he was adopted at 9 years of age but I wonder if the hurt and anger would be as severe if he grew up with an adoptive Mother that actually loved him.

She was abusive and plain nuts and beat him to get the "bad blood" out of him. This book was only .99 cents. I am pretty cheap and trying to pick the least expensive books to read.

Life has been giving us ups and downs and I suppose that's just life. Stephen has been having less of those crazy fits and I am not sure if it's because I have tried to spend more time with him, or that school is out or that he has been having a blast at the neighborhood camp.

I have a pretty hectic work at week next week so I took this Saturday off in advance to enjoy some family time. We qualify to get a discounted packet of summer time fun for my kids. It helped us last year have tons of fun. The coupons which we paid for pay for the children and we pay for ourselves and it was encouragement to use them up so we did quite a bit with a limited amount of money. At the time, I was working less so hoping we can still squeeze in the fun times.

Alex still is working and doesn't have much going for him and since my husband isn't working (besides being home for my two sons and babysitting our grand daughter) he is driving him crazy. My husband wakes up at 6 am and when the baby sleeps he likes to try to nap but this is the time that Alex is up and moving around and no amount of talking to him as worked so far for him to be quiet during this time.

Honestly, I am tired of the bitching. I hear how he doesn't want the kids hanging out with him too much. That he isn't their friend and the only person he really wants to hang out with is me. I would like to talk to my son about all these issues but how in the hell do you tell the kid to stay away from the adult.

I been wondering how to do our summer fun. I don't know if I should include Alex in our summer plans. Summer time for me is celebration and relaxation from the hard school year. He has been done with school since March and now wondering how do I handle my days where I was used to having just Stephen. It's not that I don't want to hang with Alex I just also wonder how much is Alex going to want to hang with us and on my time. My idea of the pool is being there for the full hours that they are open. Basically, get the most bang for my buck. I wouldn't want to feel like Alex is hanging with us just because we are going out for "fun" stuff but when we ask him to come to a park with us he threw a fit. A family isn't always going to do what everyone see's as fun times but that doesn't mean fun time can't happen if he would just give it half the chance.

I am very frustated that Alex doesn't have a job yet. I would settle for a two day a week job. I might even settle for a volunteer job. He just needs to do something to keep himself busy. I think half of him driving my husband nuts is that he walks around here holding his kindle like he lost his puppy? Joking but walking around and with nothing to do.

I have thought about "employing" him to take Stephen to the Y once a week but honestly Stephen would rather be at the camp and this is his last year being able to go to the neighborhood camp which is low cost or free. The field trips cost and the cookout costs so that's why I say low cost but you don't have to send your kids on those days if you don't want to pay. My husband just informed me that he learned how to skate on the field trip!!! I haven't talk to my son this morning cause it was my long day. My boy has been exposed to skating quite a few times each year but never would skate off the carpet and mostly played the games.

I think the hard part of making everything work for my family is that my sons' have had very different upbringings. Alex was incluenced more by my ex while we were married and while he lived with him for the three years. Stephen probably doesn't have memories of living with Dad and has grown up with my husband and myself. Stephen has been more involved in the park district programs than Alex did because we found out about the camps at the age where Alex was soon to be too old.

One thing that I never knew about was getting discounts through the Park district and Stephen was able to go to an overnight camp for 5 days last year and this year I splurged for two weeks (not together)

I briefly blogged about the drama cause my ex's new wife thought I called her property and us adults all got into it and I admit caused some stress for my son since he was the one that told me.

Anyways, when she brought my sons home she wanted to talk to me. She said she was sorry and that after thinking about it and all that was going on is that the conversation had went from something having to do with property and then my Dad asked who she was.

I am glad to get past that. I honestly was upset because I didn't say it.

More on my Dad

My Dad isn't innocent in his parenting styles and sure isn't innocent in how he choose to bury the fact that Izzy was born. Even after I was in reunion where he would ask questions about her one minute she gets in on the dreaded grandchild count and the next she wasn't added and would forget her name. My Dad actually met Izzy and had more to say how he liked my friend compared to saying anything good or bad about my daughter.

My Dad excuses himself from all responsability when it comes to Izzy being put up adoption and while I don't agree with him on that.. I can't see myself trying to make him feel guilty or bad about it.

My Dad has made up for it in a lot of little ways. My Dad has always been in my life. Always calling to see how we are doing and coming over to see us. Inviting us to meet him for coffee. He hasn't been the most involved in my sons' life but he was been there and they know Grandpa.

My Dad came to my rescue when my first husband and I got in over our heads after we had our first son. He let us live with them until we paid off our bills and could afford to rent something else.

My Dad came to the rescue again when we had our second son and were close to being kicked out. He took all four of us in and we stayed longer the second time around because we had to pay the old landlord and whatever else we needed to get out again.

My Dad got put through hell from his wife who wasn't happy have "kids" living with her again. Then, I didn't see what the big deal was.. Now, I bet that was a pain in the ass having us there.

I mentioned how my Dad is very physical and I he has a bad temper. My Dad is known to get pissed and want to hit someone but his old age and health problems is slowing him down. Also, I think he came to see that his grandson's didn't want to get too close. Haha

So I guess in a nut shell my Dad isn't perfect but he is there for his kids. I can look past the past and not think of all the past. However, my Mom has checked herself out of my life and any attempt I have made to have a relationship just fails. She moved and I can honestly say for the first time I know we don't have any contact information for each other. Although, not that we can't get that from one of our other family members.

Tomorrow, Dad is having surgery for a hernia that's been there for a long time. One surgeon didn't want to do it because of my Dad's breating problems but another said it be done and they plan on not doing totally under. My Dad thinks it best that it gets done now planned than compared to an emergency surgery.

My Father

I guess I will play copy cat and write about my father. My parents had four children during the 16 year marriage. My Dad has changed quite a bit.

My parents lived together until around my 6th grade year. My Dad was the strict one and the one that seemed to do the discipline. His methods during my childhood during the 70"S and 80"s could be borderline abuse today. Some of the things my Dad pulled seemed sort of cruel and I must admit that my older sister probably had to deal with my shortcomings.

During the years of their marriage, I don't really remember my Mom much. I don't know if that's cause she was more of a stable employer or what. I have little bits of memories here and there of my Mom but more of my memories are that of with my sister.

I hate to admit that I was happy when my parents split up. I don't think that's a normal reaction to divorce but it's my truth. I just felt my Dad was mean.

Looking back I now know that when my Dad left that was the beginning of our new challenges in our life. We know longer had two parents watching out for us. Before, maybe, we had to half ass parents doing their best but then we had a 1/3 ass parent going through her own life change and let us lose in the world.

I can't speak for my sister if she was already behaving badly or not but for me it was when the skipping school started, hanging around my sister's friends and even our very badly eating habits.

We didn't have anyone asking us for report cards or cooking us meals or even driving us to the store to get food. Don't get me wrong she left us with money to get food but she just plain left us alone to fend for ourselves. The longest she was ever gone was the 3 day weekend and that is a lot of time for kids to be on their own.

I don't mean to make this about my Mom cause trying to keep it about my Dad but the fact is that my Dad wasn't there. He seen us from time to time but he didn't sleep in the same house as us and know longer were we a "family" doing family things and dinner.

One thing though I never doubted that our Dad loved us. We once went to an friend of his island and we rode in his car and my Dad rode his motorcycle and the man drove crazy fast with my myself, my sister and my baby brother. My Dad almost killed the guy. My Dad is old now and still tells people if they mess with his kids he will kick their ass. It's cute.

My Dad was the type that caused anyone that came close to him physical pain. He would be playing and hurt people. People learned to keep a distance and try to stay far enough.

I never really deep down blamed my Dad too much about the loss of my daughter but I do know that he didn't come to my rescue so in a sense I have felt upset at times because I wanted to say where the hell were you? How come you didn't raise hell and fight with our Mom for her neglect?

Most of the times, I have felt like asking something like that has been when he puts my Mom on a pedestal and says he has no reason to be mad at her that she did no wrong. I know he isn't talking about my daughter or adoption at those times but I felt like what the hell are you saying? Mom did no wrong? In what area of her life are you measuring she did no wrong?

I feel like this is too long. Maybe I will revisit the post about Dad on another post on another day. But wish my Dad good luck and a speedy recovery for a hernia operation he is going to have next week.

Did you know that Chicken soup for the soul has a book for adopted people? I seen it on kindle but I won't spend that much money on a kindle book when so many are free or under five bucks. I never know there were so many books about adoption out there. I just picked up Damaged goods by Julian Wolfendale for free this week.

Odds and ends

My husband mentioned how he thought Stephen's fits of rage sort of started around the time Alex moved in. I didn't think about it but I do think it started around that time. I wish I had the time to take notes about my kids when it comes to stuff like this.

School has been out for about two weeks now and I have tried to give Stephen more time with me and out of the house.

Last week, I blogged about taking him to the bike path and he rode and I walked and we had a little picnic lunch. Yesterday, I him to one of our favorite parks that we go to yearly and played around for a little bit and we brought the lunch box with string cheese and grapes.

Then, we drove by the freebie camp that the Park District has for free and also does field trips at low cost and it had started already and we signed him up.

We have been working on eating better and being more active and Stephen was fighting this and has been getting a little better about it. He actually asked if we could have ice cream and way it and we top it off with strawberries. Yummy! I have been making Alex weigh or measure treats like this too if it's in front of my little son's face.

He hasn't been happy about it and I wish Alex wouldn't give us so much shit about the struggles with go through with Stephen. Sometimes, I just want to look at him and say how long has he been your brother? I forget that he spent three years not living with us.

I haven't really excluded Stephen from our Friday trips but one day he had just got up and yesterday he was raising hell about coming with us and I left him. I KNOW I should make him go but I just want to have a nice time. I so badly wanted to stop and get us ice cream so we could rub it is Alex's face or so badly wanted to run off and see a movie.

The fighting between my ex and I have seemed to settle down again. I don't recall if I blogged about it or not but the new wife of my ex thought I told my Dad she was (ex's) property. haha I didn't say it but for all the drama I wish I did.

Well, anyways, he tried to pull shit and talk about the divorce agreement which we haven't been following and I was a bitch and went back with other stuff he was was forgetting.

Well, I decided to be nice and offer him to keep the kids later for Father's day evening service and he happily accepted and said they would bring them home because they have to work.

I am hoping this means that he got summer route and we keep getting paid the child support through the summer.

Oh and I talked to my friend about my concern of fears about our sons hanging out and the fears of losing our friendship due to something our kids did together and she assured me that our relationship is separate from their actions and it's not going to change anything between us. I was glad to hear that because I do think that her son is one of the better options to hang out with. He is mostly on track with graduation next year and seems so smart and polite.

Second Chance Mother

I read Second Chance Mother by Denise Roessle on my Kindle. It's a true story about adoption loss going back into the baby scoop days. Each time I read a book that is based from the baby scoop era I am shocked. It's not that I felt like as a 15 year old that I had much choice but my story doesn't compare to the situations that woman in this era went through. Although, I can relate to some of her story.

It's a story about reunion and trying to find peace with herself after the reunion went sour due to her sons issues. I will be honest in saying some of the book... I wanted to say say what? Is this a joke? A made up story cause it just seemed some of it was unrealistic and just out there.

I think it's one of the best books on adoption reunion that I have read. It doesn't just show the good. It shows the ugly. I highlighted some parts that I thought I might want to blog about but at the moment I think I am just going to leave her with her website. www.secondchancemother.com

Zumba

I been doing zumba for about 6 weeks or so. I really enjoy it. It can be a bit of a challenge but that's part of the fun. It's not all just a physical challenge it's following the steps while everyone else is doing them. I been doing it twice a week but this week it was three.

If anyone has access to a gym and zumba and been on the fence about trying it. I say go for it!! You need some good shoes or they will get tore up but it's worth it.

How would you deal with this?

My best friend, I have known for about ten years. We each have two children and they are pretty close in age. Her son is slightly younger than Alex and her daughter is slightly older than Stephen.

Remember how my son got caught smoking pot? Well, her son later on got told on from another friend for doing the same thing. She took it as hard as I did and doesn't like it.

Honestly, I think her son is a good kid and very well mannered.

Our kids have always been around each other during my friends parties ect. It's lately that Alex is wanting to try to hang with her son.

This makes me nervous. I don't know if Alex is wanting to hang with him because of the pot situation or just wanting a friend.

I would never want anything to come between my friend and myself. She has been mostly the only friend I have had for years. I have recently made a couple new friendships through the retreat but it's not the same.

It's not that I have anything against any of the lovely women I have met at the retreat and have seen a few times since. It's just my friend Rachel and I have been friend for a long time.

We worked at the same place and she started giving me rides because my jerk of a husband didn't want to come get me. We had young kids and it was his excuse. It was a good one but ten o clock at night isn't the time for bus rides and walking.

Anyways, Rachel, started giving me rides and soon we started taking our lunches together and then our breaks.

I was with her along the way when she got out of the housing projects and got an habitat house.

She was there when I learned how to drive and we continued to be friends even though I didn't need the ride.

She was there when I got my divorce.

She was there when I married.

She was there thru the years while my son was in therapy for speech.

I was there when she went to college and got a degree.

She was there when I bought my house and got married.

I am afraid if our kids make poor decisions together that it could hurt our friendship and I just don't want that. I like exploring an relationship with my new friends and making my circle of friends a little bigger.

When Rachel and her husband were having trouble and she went away for the summer. I went to her house everyday to help with the dogs but we didn't really get to talk too much.

It reminded me of how lonely I could be without friends and I am glad that I do have a couple new ones.

It's just that there is nothing better than getting out with Rachel and letting everything out. We can talk serious shit or just bullshit. The best part of it is that we know each other. I can forget about my struggles and if the laughing bug strikes me at a moment where it's not typically funny she laughs with me.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? My son knows I am concerned and says "yes, I know Mom" However, it doesn't mean that he will take my friendship into consideration if they do stupid stuff.

The good thing is that my friend is pretty strict and has for the most part kept her son home so that might limit some of the trouble they could find.

I had a much better day today then the last week. My son's went to spend the night with their Grandma and before they left my friend picked me up for lunch. We tried out a new place and she treated. It was yummy food but more importantly it just felt good to hang out and talk with her.
I have a few friends but she is the all time best friend. I can be me. I can laugh at things even when it's not really laughing material. I talked to her briefly about the whole Izzy thing and it was nice just to get that out there. I told her how my Dad has twice mentioned her (my friend) and how he really thought a lot about her.

I find it ironic that my Dad didn't have anything to say about Izzy but has mentioned my friend twice now. My husband seems to think it's cause he probably "likes" my friend. ewwww I think one thing that I am trying to accept that not everyone cares about my daughter like I do. I don't mean as if they don't feel anything for her. It's just that I worship the ground she walks on. I may or may not get upset about things but I don't think others can love her as I do.

When I was with my friend she had to stop to go potty and we ended up at a Salvation army and I got to looking at clothes. I found a pair of pants that I tried on and they were a size 16. I am down from a 22 to a 16 that fits tightly.

I came home and walked my dog and people kept stopping me to ask me if my dog runs free. One lady said people keep knocking at her door to see if it was her dog. I didn't think her dog was half as cute as mine and it proved that my dog knows how to behave by it pulling on the leash trying to bite my dog. Well, my dog isn't a fighter but she won't have dogs trying to bite at us and went for her but I took control and moved away from them.

It was funny because before the lady came up to me.. A guy started commenting about a lot of black labs and I said that's cause they are the best dogs. He asked what was so best about them. I said loyal and smart and lovable but then I had to throw in she will protect me if needed. So when the lady with the bad dog came up to us it proved my point that my dog will protect me. I love that she is like that.

I got several comments about does she run lose. I had to joke that if we gave her bus money she wouldn't go. My dogs are not the running type. We only use leashes because well it is the law and for the dogs that don't know how to behave.

Well, I better get to sleep.

Empty Arms by Erika Liodice

I love my kindle. I crave books about adoption and it seems like I won't have trouble filling this need of mine. I am not allowing myself to only read about adoption cause I don't want to get stuck on it and possible risk depression from too much of it.

Anyways, I read Empty Arms and it was the second book that I paid for on my kindle. Having to pay for them is another selling point in not getting stuck with reading only adoption books on it.

I really liked the book. Right at the top it says a Mother never forgets. How true is that statement for a lot of birthmom's. This book was written during the times where women were sent away to have babies and they didn't quite know what was going on. The story reminded me of the Girls who went away and I believe that was my first adoption book I ever read.

This Mother ends of being one of those people that can't go on to have another child and I wonder how many times that happens to brthparents who release a child to adoption to go on and not be able to have a child.

In this story, she is fighting with her husband because he "just wants to adopt" She can't imagine "taking someone else's child" I can relate to this statement even though getting pregnant was never a problem for me. In my husband's and I conversations that we were mostly just hypothetical I said many times I couldn't take someone else baby to raise. I don't think I could be a good Mother to that child knowing that somewhere there is a Mother that loves this child and misses them. It would be a constant battle with my husband because I would have the adoption so open that the birthmother might as well live with me. I just know that I have lived on this side of the coin of adoption and don't want to flip it and know the other side and live with it.

I would have guilt. Was there something I could have done to help her raise her own child? A temporary place to stay? Help finding some needed baby supplies? A ride to the doctor? Some help getting WIC? Offer a little babysitting here and there?

A lot of these conversations took place when I was very deep into my depression and my husband would have loved to bring me a daughter to make me happy. You know men, right. They want to fix things. He never did bring me a daughter but over the years he suggested my black lab, brought me a baby bunny and suggested I adopt a cat. Sometimes, I get sad when I think how my cat, Bella, was in kitty jail. I look at her and say what was wrong with her for someone to leave her there? Did she miss the litter box? Puke? Or pee on someones new bed. Haha... she did that to us when we got a new bed recently. I think a lot of those thoughts come from just now allowing myself to give my animals away. Not that I haven't done it when my first husband and I had to choose between the two dogs or be kicked out.

Three years later, when the same apartments were being jerks and trying to kick me out over having a bunny. I showed them and bought a house.

Her Mother is looking like a bad guy in this book but the end reveals something very sneaky that she pulled off. I think this book had an unrealistic ending but why we can dream right.

I just found a free one called Second chance Mother by Denise Roessle but I haven't even started it yet. I have to finish my non adoption related book first.

Sorry I rambled on.

This week has thrown me thru a hoop. About a week or so ago, I might have told someone that I have felt so much peace from the feelings of adoption loss with reunion but the joke thru me into a state of depression. I know she came and I should be happy about that and happy that she wanted to surprise me.

However, I am not proud of probably giving her a little insight of how she holds the key to make me go weak. I am not proud that my sons heard a side of me talking down about myself and how Izzy doesn't take the time for us and is too busy with her family and how we just don't count.

I wish the fact that she came would have resolved that sadness but the next evening with her leaving cause she didn't feel well just sat with me very badly. I felt like a rotten Mom. A real Mom would have noticed something and not put her through the dinner. A real Mom should have told her to rest. Then again, how was I suppose to know that she wasn't well. I have still noticed that she seemed to run around the whole time she was here. I offered to meet her for a walk today but she told me that she was doing stuff with her family.

To say that I have been disappointed and hurt is an understatement. I craved some quality time with her. I didn't ask for any day trips or anything major but would have loved to have an hour or two with her all to myself. I wish I didn't feel pangs of jealousy when she tags herself with her Mother. I wish I was the one that could afford to take her to the fancy restaurants and out for the day. More importantly, I wish she just squeezed in a little bit more of her time for us. I wish I didn't have to question my ability to be a good Mom based on if I can afford to do the day trips or the fancy places to eat.

I decided to go thru with the walk on the bike path that she was invited to. I only took Stephen with me because my husband seems to think his major outburts of screaming has came around the time Alex came to live with us.

I have to try harder not to take the stuff with Izzy personally.

My son rode his bike while I walked on the path. We would take a break here and there to sit and then walk some more. It was a beautiful day. We posed for pictures in front of the Rock men on the bike path and it's always fun to compare pictures from the past years because we do this every summer.

I had packed my lunch bag with a picnic lunch and after we were out there for a couple hours and wore ourselves out we found a table and enjoyed our lunch. I know that my son will remember little moments like a picnic lunch more so than he will remember the fancy places to eat.

Don't get me wrong. I am still sad that Izzy didn't try harder to spend time with us and all that but I can't let her destroy me. Adoption loss has destroyed me before. It doesn't have to do it again. When I have the negative thoughts I need to remember what's important to me and that's my family that I have at home. The truth is that I know Izzy now but I really don't KNOW her. She knows me but she doesn't really KNOW me. We don't know what makes each other tick. We don't know what adoption has done to each other. I can't assume she knows or needs to know every detail and I can't assume that adoption has effected her badly or poorly. I don't know what kind of things her family has put her thru for reuniting with me.


I say all this and the truth is that I want to say that all is okay with me but the truth is that it's not true. It just plain sucks.

Izzy met me Tuesday evening to get our nails done and dinner. She brought her boyfriend too. After the nails, she casually mentioned she had an ear ache but didn't say much about it. We drove in our separate cars to go to the place we agreed upon for dinner.

It was there that she really let it know that she was really in a lot of pain. It was the most uncomfortable experience I have had with her to this date. I felt like an ass. I wanted to say that we didn't have to go out if she didn't feel well. But how could she have came to me and said I don't feel well after the canceling joke got me very upset. We haven't talked about me being upset but I know about it and she knows about it. I so badly wanted to say we didn't have to go but I was afraid of her reaction to that one.

We had our salad and then she just decided to leave so she could go to the doctor. I felt bad cause I was thinking was I missing something her Mom would catch? I don't know her as well as I would like to. I even felt a little bad cause I was even a little irritated about spending the amount of cash I did for the food that I had gotten to eat. But the pure watching her in pain and made me not really hungry so that wasn't too much on my mind but I just wanted to be honest with you all.

Izzy texted me that night and told me what was wrong with her ear and how it was feeling somewhat better now and her medications she has to take. She said she was sorry for having to leave like that and hoped I had gotten enough to eat. I told her that I was full but normally for X amount of dollars I eat more than salad and did the LOL

I texted her yesterday to see how she was doing and said it still improving and still hurts. I told her to get rest and I am glad she was getting better. She is leaving on Saturday so I threw out the option for her to meet me for a walk on Friday. She said she is taking her Dad out for father's day and would get back to me.

I hope I get to take that walk and see her all on my own. I crave the one on one moments and haven't gotten that since before she moved. I know her adoptive family comes first and logically I get that. But my heart doesn't get it. My heart says they had 18 years and let's share her a little. I have to accept the possibility that she will go home without me seeing her again.

I noticed that when the subject of doing things for my kids or the best for them that I trip over my words when I say that I do this or that for my kids. Example.. when she seen my ex husband she said hell no. As in that I am a lot nicer than her cause she wouldn't have an ex and his wife at her house. I try to say that I take care of my children ect but no matter what when the term "my kids" come up I trip over my words. To say that I take care of my children is a wrong statement if Izzy is included in "the children" I didn't take care of her. In my eyes, I still abandoned her. The deal is that Izzy is my daughter but I am not her Mom. She is my child but not really one of my children.

During the party... she kept asking me why my children's grandmother didn't talk to her and does she know who she is and why does she come to a party and not talk. I didn't know why she was so interested in their grandma. She texted me and said your Mom's name is (blank) I said, yes. It turns out that she thought my ex husband's Mother was my Mom so she would have been Izzy's maternal grandmother that was ignoring her. Only it was my sons' fraternal grandmother that was quiet.

Edit. I am sorry. I meant to type when I am talking to my daughter. I feel like I can't say I do right by my kids or stuff like I take care of my kids to her. I wonder if I use the term "kids" to her am I excluding her? I would never talk to one of my sons and say kids.

emotions

My feelings may not always being rational or logic but they are mine so I am going to try to express my thoughts on what was going thru my head when I thought Izzy wasn't coming because she was still out of town. I knew she was with her Mom and boyfriend and she had already agreed and actually said she wanted to come so I was shocked to hear that she couldn't make it.

See I thought Izzy was coming and I made a huge step to include her at a party. I know this was probably huge for her too. Izzy didn't really get a guest list because she didn't ask and I didn't offer. Because of the facebook group that my son created and named it family it was known by my sister, my brother and my ex husband that Izzy was coming.

I told my Dad and my best friend Rachel that Izzy was coming to the party.

It was huge for me to feel comfortable enough to invite her because my daughter's name was not only swept under the rug I often felt like if her name got brought up they would talk over us or just ignore us. Talking about my daughter in the first 18 years wasn't really comfortable because of how other people treated me and how I saw myself and even if I wanted to talk about my daughter to my friends and family what was I to say.

I started opening up to a few people. One was Pam who I blog about but I didn't invite her. I haven't really hung with her outside of her home. The other two were my sister and Rachel. Both have been pretty supportive but at times if I was/am sad I find it hard to talk about it. I don't like people to see me cry.

My Dad has talked and asked questions about Izzy and since it's what I wanted her to be acknowledge and accepted I plowed my way thru the uncomfortableness. At times... he would say he wants to meet her but would forget her name and still didn't include her in the grand child count but other times would he was her grandfather.

Izzy had already, before she moved, said she would meet him. My Dad is about 60 and not in the best of health and I didn't want to have any regrets should he die before the chance was given again. So, that's why I went ahead and invited her and him.

I get the text she isn't coming and I lose it. I imagine myself having to explain to everyone why Izzy isn't there. I am thinking of my Dad, my friend and my sister. Then, it could also be my brother, my sons' or my ex husband asking where Izzy was.

My answer would have to be she couldn't make it. She got delayed in traffic.

My heart is/was taking a hit on the self esteem. She is out shopping with her Mom. She doesn't care about this family. We are second best. Blah blah. I felt so sad. I couldn't help but be sad and mad and wonder why she couldn't love us too.

It was all a trick to surprise me and between my son telling her I was upset and me texting her that I couldn't text back and forth at the moment to work out plans for another time because I was feeling sad cause I told people she was coming and felt bad about having to tell them that you weren't coming. Looking back.. I don't know if honesty was the best thing there or not. I made her feel bad. I did tell her that I had to focus on getting ready for the party and try not to be sad and that it was me not her.

Yesterday, about 4 pm, Izzy sent me a text and said she couldn't make it. She wouldn't arrive back in town in time.

I knew from her post on fb that she had been shopping with her Mom, brother and one or two other people.

I suggested she could stop by late but she insisted that she wouldn't make it in time and had texted Alex and he was okay with it and we could get lunch or dinner within the week. This resulted in me having a mini breakdown and made me feel second best.

It was all a joke and my son heard all the fussing and fighting and told me it was a surprise. Then, eventually, Izzy wrote me and said "they hauled ass" and would be there but late.

I will write more about it soon about how this shook me up so bad. I like to say that I am/was at a much better place with adoption loss/ reunion ups and downs but this event reminded me how fragile I really am and it doesn't take much to crack me.

The party went well. My daughter tried to play a joke on me which resulted in me having a mini meltdown and my husband quickly ended up fighting over it. I will blog about it in a day or so.

I been having this feeling that Izzy won't show tonight for Alex's party. She said she would come and sort of even asked if she was invited when I wrote on facebook about the party before she even headed this way home. I am going to feel like digging myself a hole in the ground and hiding my head if she doesn't come.

She posted on facebook about how they are going to on a road trip with her Mom. It's the second best feeling of creeping in wondering if she has time for this other family of hers.

Graduation day

I forgot to post about my birthday. It was the 30th of May. I had a pretty good day between working and going to the Y and going to dinner. I thought the coolest part was that a couple days before my birthday I had said to myself wouldn't it be cool if Pam called me on my birthday.

Pam is a dear friend. She used to be my math teacher at the same school my son graduated from. I reconnected with her shortly after she had a retirement party. It took me a year or so to look her up when she said look me up. I thought to look her up but show weakness and I didn't want to appear weak.

I love Pam. Right before my daughter moved away I asked if I could come visit her and said I had something for her. It was my daughter. It was great.

Well, anyways, I said to myself wouldn't it be wonderful if Pam called me on my birthday. I didn't even know if Pam knew my birthday. Pam and I don't talk really often and honestly I do more of the calling and she does the hosting of our visits once or twice a year. She called me!! Not only did she call me but she was the first person to call me on my birthday.

I am extremely lucky to know her and have her in my life.

Graduation 2012

My son is officially an high school graduate of 2012. The graduation was nice and he had a little of each side of his family to celebrate with him. The school is located in a church and both mine and my sister's cameras took crappy pictures so we didn't get many pictures at all during the ceremony.

This one was taken outside our house with my camera on my phone. I will post one later with me with him. It wasn't the ideal graduation but it is what it is. How he got his diploma I guess doesn't really matter. It's what he chooses to do with his life that does matter.

Someone put in "should I kick my daughter out if she gets pregnant? Sure go ahead and kick her out and let her live on the street when she is growing your grandchild. I am sure you won't mind that she may grow to resent you for a very long time. Can you risk that even if she survives and manages on her own that she might not come around with your grand child? Can you live with your guilt if she gets sucked in by an agency or lawyer trying to pay her expensive for an adoption plan?

Instead of kicking her out be there for her. Maybe, if you have reason to believe she is risking a pregnancy you can help make sure she knows how to prevent it? Trust me.. support her and your relationship has a much better chance than if you toss her out or force an adoption plan/sceme on her.

No offence to the birthmom's who go into it getting informed and came to the decision on adoption on their own.