Saturday, June 9, 2012

This week has thrown me thru a hoop. About a week or so ago, I might have told someone that I have felt so much peace from the feelings of adoption loss with reunion but the joke thru me into a state of depression. I know she came and I should be happy about that and happy that she wanted to surprise me.

However, I am not proud of probably giving her a little insight of how she holds the key to make me go weak. I am not proud that my sons heard a side of me talking down about myself and how Izzy doesn't take the time for us and is too busy with her family and how we just don't count.

I wish the fact that she came would have resolved that sadness but the next evening with her leaving cause she didn't feel well just sat with me very badly. I felt like a rotten Mom. A real Mom would have noticed something and not put her through the dinner. A real Mom should have told her to rest. Then again, how was I suppose to know that she wasn't well. I have still noticed that she seemed to run around the whole time she was here. I offered to meet her for a walk today but she told me that she was doing stuff with her family.

To say that I have been disappointed and hurt is an understatement. I craved some quality time with her. I didn't ask for any day trips or anything major but would have loved to have an hour or two with her all to myself. I wish I didn't feel pangs of jealousy when she tags herself with her Mother. I wish I was the one that could afford to take her to the fancy restaurants and out for the day. More importantly, I wish she just squeezed in a little bit more of her time for us. I wish I didn't have to question my ability to be a good Mom based on if I can afford to do the day trips or the fancy places to eat.

I decided to go thru with the walk on the bike path that she was invited to. I only took Stephen with me because my husband seems to think his major outburts of screaming has came around the time Alex came to live with us.

I have to try harder not to take the stuff with Izzy personally.

My son rode his bike while I walked on the path. We would take a break here and there to sit and then walk some more. It was a beautiful day. We posed for pictures in front of the Rock men on the bike path and it's always fun to compare pictures from the past years because we do this every summer.

I had packed my lunch bag with a picnic lunch and after we were out there for a couple hours and wore ourselves out we found a table and enjoyed our lunch. I know that my son will remember little moments like a picnic lunch more so than he will remember the fancy places to eat.

Don't get me wrong. I am still sad that Izzy didn't try harder to spend time with us and all that but I can't let her destroy me. Adoption loss has destroyed me before. It doesn't have to do it again. When I have the negative thoughts I need to remember what's important to me and that's my family that I have at home. The truth is that I know Izzy now but I really don't KNOW her. She knows me but she doesn't really KNOW me. We don't know what makes each other tick. We don't know what adoption has done to each other. I can't assume she knows or needs to know every detail and I can't assume that adoption has effected her badly or poorly. I don't know what kind of things her family has put her thru for reuniting with me.

I say all this and the truth is that I want to say that all is okay with me but the truth is that it's not true. It just plain sucks.


Wendy said...

I'm sorry that the joke about not being able to come was so upsetting. Honestly, I can understand where you're coming from with that - if I put myself in your shoes, I think I would have felt a little (or a lot) hurt (even if it was unintentional.)

You ARE a real mom. You are a mom to her as well as your boys. Maybe you didn't realize how much her ear was bothering her because she played it down or because you just really wanted to spend time with her.

Maybe before she comes home for her next trip, you could ask her to plan to spend some one-on-one time with just you. I don't think it's a lot to ask, especially if you ask her ahead of time.

It's nice that you were able to take a walk and go for a picnic with your son. Sounds fun.

I'm sorry it's all so hard. I hope that over time your relationship with Izzy can change, evolve, improve - I hope that you can get to really know each other better. Hugs.

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks a lot. She will be back in the winter months and I like your idea of asking for some one on one time up front. I think I had too many ideas in my head and never really expressed them ahead of time and then the self doubt comes in when I see her hanging with her family.

Wendy said...

That's nice that she'll be back during the winter. Yes, I definitely think mentioning getting together ahead of time will help...that way you can have something set up before she starts making other plans.