Tuesday, June 5, 2012

emotions


My feelings may not always being rational or logic but they are mine so I am going to try to express my thoughts on what was going thru my head when I thought Izzy wasn't coming because she was still out of town. I knew she was with her Mom and boyfriend and she had already agreed and actually said she wanted to come so I was shocked to hear that she couldn't make it.

See I thought Izzy was coming and I made a huge step to include her at a party. I know this was probably huge for her too. Izzy didn't really get a guest list because she didn't ask and I didn't offer. Because of the facebook group that my son created and named it family it was known by my sister, my brother and my ex husband that Izzy was coming.

I told my Dad and my best friend Rachel that Izzy was coming to the party.

It was huge for me to feel comfortable enough to invite her because my daughter's name was not only swept under the rug I often felt like if her name got brought up they would talk over us or just ignore us. Talking about my daughter in the first 18 years wasn't really comfortable because of how other people treated me and how I saw myself and even if I wanted to talk about my daughter to my friends and family what was I to say.

I started opening up to a few people. One was Pam who I blog about but I didn't invite her. I haven't really hung with her outside of her home. The other two were my sister and Rachel. Both have been pretty supportive but at times if I was/am sad I find it hard to talk about it. I don't like people to see me cry.

My Dad has talked and asked questions about Izzy and since it's what I wanted her to be acknowledge and accepted I plowed my way thru the uncomfortableness. At times... he would say he wants to meet her but would forget her name and still didn't include her in the grand child count but other times would he was her grandfather.

Izzy had already, before she moved, said she would meet him. My Dad is about 60 and not in the best of health and I didn't want to have any regrets should he die before the chance was given again. So, that's why I went ahead and invited her and him.

I get the text she isn't coming and I lose it. I imagine myself having to explain to everyone why Izzy isn't there. I am thinking of my Dad, my friend and my sister. Then, it could also be my brother, my sons' or my ex husband asking where Izzy was.

My answer would have to be she couldn't make it. She got delayed in traffic.

My heart is/was taking a hit on the self esteem. She is out shopping with her Mom. She doesn't care about this family. We are second best. Blah blah. I felt so sad. I couldn't help but be sad and mad and wonder why she couldn't love us too.

It was all a trick to surprise me and between my son telling her I was upset and me texting her that I couldn't text back and forth at the moment to work out plans for another time because I was feeling sad cause I told people she was coming and felt bad about having to tell them that you weren't coming. Looking back.. I don't know if honesty was the best thing there or not. I made her feel bad. I did tell her that I had to focus on getting ready for the party and try not to be sad and that it was me not her.

2 comments:

WP said...

So, she did end up coming to the party? I can see why you were upset when you believed she wasn't coming. I'm sure she had no idea how the joke would affect you. :( Hope you were all able to get the bumps smoothed over.

birthmothertalks said...

Yes she came and it was a nice time.