Scrapbook

I really need to get to working on Izzy's scrapbook. I just can't get into the mood and am not ready to call it done. If she was here today and asking for it.. I wouldn't want to give it to her. I want to do more but just can't bring myself to actually do it. I have ideas of what I want to put down in the book. I want to make some pages about our reunion especially our first meeting. I guess I am thinking that words that I can write on a 8 by 11 page just isn't going to do it justice.

I am also a little bored with what I am creating and am fresh out of ideas to make it stand out. I think part of my stalling is that I have to spend the time going through pictures and probably should go thru the scrapbook to make sure that I didn't already do that. I have to make sure that I don't use original pictures in the book that I am not going to be happy about not knowing.

I have yet to get any pictures of my Grandmother and I haven't gotten anywhere with the two family members that claim they own pictures of her. I really wanted to make her part of my book. I don't know why I feel drawn to my Dad's Mom and not my Mom's Mom. Maybe, it's cause I had a relationship with my Grandfather on my Dad's side and not the one of my Mom's side. Mom's Dad isn't in the scrapbook. When I was given the chance to go through pictures that my Mom owned there wasn't any of him. I probably would have put him in there because he is part of the family story too. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't have relationships. He suffered due to drinking and a poor attempt to take his own life in jail. He didn't die but he damaged himself pretty good and as long as I can remember he couldn't remember people or carry much of a conversation.

I think part of the reason I am not getting anywhere with the scrapbook that it's pretty rare for me to be home alone. I don't really like an audience and just want to get into creating it. Actually, I am home alone now for a few but it's still not going on.

I have tossed around the idea of trying to work on it time to time at the Y. Maybe, after an workout or before. The Y has a lounge where their are tables and if I had an idea of what I want to put together I could make create something there or try to do some of my writings for the really personal stuff.

I want to document pictures of some of the gifts that I have got her and how much I enjoy shopping for her but I am afraid if I really write what it means to me that I would be saying how bad I felt when her parents wouldn't let me send her gifts. I will never forget asking if I could buy her a gift for her first Christmas and being told "no, it's not a good idea" I have to wonder why wouldn't it been a good idea? Were they afraid the 3 month old baby would like my gifts better? I really don't want write things that would make them look bad.

I hope I can find ways around getting my feelings down without putting them down. I really hope that I can feel creative again and want to work on the scrapbook.