Saturday, January 10, 2009

So I noticed that my daughter and her parent's lived in our area. Not only was it out area, but by judging my the address, it looked like they lived close to where my ex husband and son live. I never officially took note of the address so I wasn't sure which house it was, but I had a general idea. I was driving by it every week to drop or pick up kids.
So I get my husband to ask the person who knows the adoptive parents if we can get a picture. He goes back a week later, and the answer was no. But she said that Izzy wants to meet you when she is 18 years of age.
So I get created and look at the most recent school district yearbooks at the library. There was two girls with my daughter's name. The first one I remember thinking no way could she be mine, and then the second girl, I was pretty sure. So I photocopied the picture and showed my husband and he couldn't be sure, but I was. I felt like I needed to get someone else to agree with me that the girl was mine. When I say mine, I mean as the girl I gave birth to. So I go back to the library, and asked to see more year books. This would be the junior high year books, and there she was. Between the two books there was five different pictures of her. When I showed my husband, he couldn't deny it. So Izzy did walk in the same halls as me. I wonder has she been in this area all along?
You would think having these photocopied pictures of Izzy would make me feel better right? I am happy that I now have a better idea of what she looks like. On the other end it makes my pain even deeper. Before I seen the pictures I knew that I was missing Izzy, but I didn't have a face to Izzy. Now it makes her so real. The other reason it makes me sad, because I wish I could show the pictures off. I feel as less of a person to bring photocopied pictures out to show someone my daughter. I feel as if I am admitting defeat, that I am a person who can't be trusted with a real picture of her. There is one more picture in the yearbook I haven't seen yet, because it wasn't out yet. I am having strong urges to go check again.
Moving this story along, I did eventually take note of the address and locate their house on the way to my ex husband's. They live in a nice house, no better or worse than mine, and it's a half mile from my exes husband's house.
We have actually seen Izzy getting in or out of her car. The Friday after her birthday, I seen lots of cars, what must have been a birthday party for her. My new husband, doesn't normally drive us there, has gotten better looks and he says oh yea that's her. All I do is drive by there because of where my ex lives, but I can't help from looking over there, but that is as far as it goes.
There is a good chance that my son and Izzy will be at the same school next year. She should be a senior and he will be a freshman. I don't know what the chances of them coming into contact with each other are, but I worry about it. My son knows if her, but hasn't seen the recent picture of her. We have talked about her, and he wants to meet her. I told him she is pretty easily going to be found, but refuse to give him any personal information on her? Am I right?
The latest news that I have heard is that Izzy has permission to contact me after she finishes school. From what I understand with the adoption laws, I can't make the first contact till she is 21 years of age. She has to have her parents permission. I feel like they have all the power, and Izzy and me have none. I don't mind waiting till she is finished with high school. It just bugs me that they have the power over her, even after she is old enough to marry.

I want to end this on a positive note. Two good things have happened this week. I am making a really good effort to watch what I eat, and to work out. The second good thing is that I picked up the phone and called my old math teacher Pam. She taught me math for a couple years, right after I had my daughter. She is wonderful. I have kept in contact with her off and on over the years. I told her in a letter about Izzy, but we have yet to really talk about it. She said she didn't know. We have a time set to see each other in a couple of weeks. I can't wait.

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