Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Last weekend I met with a teacher that taught me when I was a teenager. I really love and respect her. The sound of her voice lifts my spirit. I have kept in contact with her off and one again though the years, but I admit mostly off again. I am not sure where a lady older than my Mom fits in my life. I sat with her for four hours. We can be friends, but I don't think it's the same as a friend my age. In a weird sense though, I felt more welcomed to talk to her about my life and my daughter. We talked about the adoption and other stuff. I didn't feel judged, but I do feel she was trying to give me some messages. One of the messages, I am not sure if it was general or she was speaking of me.
I spent a lot of time complaining about my anger issues concerning my Mom. Sometime during the talk, she mentioned that times have changed and people don't pay for the consequences of life anymore. She used the example of some drinking and driving or speeding, and using a lawyer and instead of getting a ticket, or going to jail the lawyer gets them off.
I got to thinking was she referring to me taking responsibility, because I got pregnant. Was it her way of saying that I shouldn't be mad at my Mom, because I had sex. She doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so I am wondering was that her way of saying, don't be mad at your Mom.
Another story she told me is that when she first bought her house 29 years ago, after they signed the papers, they found a lot of stuff wrong, so her husband suggests they go see a house parade. So they went to see lots of beautiful houses, and then came home to their broken house. She told him that the next time they take a tour of houses that she wants to go see the crappiest house, so her house feels like a castle. She said to appreciate what I have a husband and my boys. Was that her way of saying, you have two boys don't be upset. Although at the same time, she did say that when I need to cry, go in my bedroom and cry. I feel like it was a good visit, but if someone has 4 kids, and one dies would you say that you have three left.
The visit overall was really good. I plan on keeping her in my life. I wonder though if I had my Mom in my life would I seek her out. So maybe I am seeking a new Mom.


Jenn said...

I think it's awesome that you have that third party who can be somewhat impartial to go about EVERYTHING!! but i'm a little bit upset about her reaction to your current situation. maybe i'm reading it wrong, but you have every right to still be upset about your daughter's adoption. whether you have two or twenty other beautiful kids, you are still going to love and remember the child you had all those years ago. because of the way her adoption was handled, were you ever given the chance to grieve? as an adoptive parent, something that was drilled into us was the importance of understanding that birthparents need time to greive the loss of their baby. if you haven't properly grieved that loss, then you are probably going to continue to carry around a huge burden, no matter how perfect the rest of your life may be.

birthmothertalks said...

I really don't know if her message about was about appreciating my husband and kids as in a general comment or if it was a message. I have had other people come right out and say you have two boys, so don't be worrying about what you don't have.
As far as grieving my loss of my baby years ago, I don't know if birthmothers can just grieve once and be done. I will try to explain myself at a later time.