Friday, January 30, 2009


I mentioned earlier in my blog that my sister was pregnant at the same time, but no one really knew that my parents had two pregnant teenagers, because judging by my moms reaction to my sister's pregnancy I didn't tell anyone.
My sister had her baby, Brittany, 29 days before I had Ashley. Brittany was premature. I don't remember how many weeks, but I suspect at least a month early. If I remember right she weighed about 4 lbs. She required medical treatment before she came home.
Brittany was always a reminder of my daughter. They were so close in age. I was sad that they didn't get to grow up together as cousins. I was never angry towards Brittany or my sister, but other pregnant women and babies I didn't like. Brittany did remind me of what I lost though. A lot of things she was learning to do. Ashley was probably learning to do. I didn't see a whole lot of Brittany, but I enjoyed seeing her. I loved to buy her stuff when I could. Brittany's birthday has always been a reminder that Ashley's is coming up. Out of all 4 of my nieces hers in the easiest to remember. Sometimes I can't help but think of Ashley when I see Brittany. When Brittany was acting up as a teenager. It makes me wonder if my daughter raising hell? It even brings a smile to my face. lol Not that I want her to give her parents a hard time.

Do I ever wonder if Ashley's fate would have been different if there wasn't two babies in such a short time? Sometimes I do wonder? My sister got to keep Brittany, but had to live with our Dad. She was a year and half older than me. She had Brittany's Dad still in her life, even though he wasn't the best. Sometimes I look at my sister and Brittany and wonder how come I couldn't have kept Ashley? Does a year and half really make that big of a difference when it comes to being able to take care of a baby. I do wonder what would have happen if I told. But I am not upset with my sister or Brittany. Am I jealous of my sister? Sometimes I am. She was a young mother, and fought my Mom. She got to keep her baby, and I didn't fight our mom, and I lost my baby. Enough for now.


Wendy said...

Hi. I have spent the last half hour or so reading your blog. I really appreciate the openness of your writing. That must have been very hard for you when your sister also had a baby right around the same time. I can't imagine how hard that would have been.

I read your comment on my blog. Thank you for taking the time to post one.

We are open to a semi-open adoption or an open adoption. It all depends on what the expectant mom wants, but we've talked about both. Our caseworker thought the scrapbook was a good idea because we could talk about the photos. I see your point of view, though - that the photos might not make her feel very good. If you had an open or semi-open adoption, would you have wanted to see any pictures at that point? Do you think there are any photos that I should change/remove completely?

Thanks so much.

birthmothertalks said...

The only way I would really want to have pictures of my daughter's parents were if it was a open adoption. If all you want is to know me through pictures and letters, I wouldn't want to see you put so much effort into the scrap book before the child was born. I guess what I am trying to say is that don't jump through hoops now, if you aren't going to jump through them later. I would consider removing the pictures of the vacation, and maybe replacing them with something more simple like a beach or something thing a little closer to what she might be able to enjoy.
Also keep in mind if you give her the book when you are matched, there is always the chance that things could go wrong. So be able to afford to lose the scrap book.

Wendy said...

Thanks - I posted another comment to you on my blog, too. I appreciate you answering my questions. I would be willing to send/share pictures and letters and visits with a birthmom if that's what she decides she wants.

One of the reasons why I had started the album was because of something another birthmother had shared with us. She had spoken about her experiences at a meeting our agency had. She said that she really liked that her child's adoptive parents gave her a few pictures -- family pictures, house pictures, etc. She had also spent time with them prior to giving birth - doctor appointments, dinner, shopping, etc. She said that she liked seeing what their family members looked like, etc. I also thought the book would be a good starting point for our conversation with the expectant mom.

I think we'll definitely have to see what happens and how things go. Ultimately, it might not be a good idea to use the scrapbook. I think we'll just have to see once the time is here.

I have thought about the fact that if a match went wrong, we wouldn't have the photos anymore. I went and made color copies of every page for that reason. I put the copied pages into an album. It looks really nice -- I was happy with how well it copied.

Thanks for your help and for taking the time to answer my questions.