Friday, January 30, 2009

grieving the loss of a baby?

Was I able to grieve the loss of my baby way back then? I was a ninth grader in school. I received six weeks off from school,but I was home schooled. I had support from the school. The crisis counselor arranged counseling for an agency to come see me at school.The school counselors checked up on me often. They were there for me when I found out the couple moved out of state. They let me sit in the class of the home school teacher, after I about attacked someone, because they yelled at me. I continued after I finished the 9Th grade, but I don't remember how much longer. I remember us meeting at McDonald's and me having to feel like I was hiding something when I went to counseling so I fired her. I told her that I didn't need her anymore.
The first year without my daughter, I did lots of trying to write letters to her and crying. I was yelled at on a couple occasions by a relative, because of my crying. He started off asking what's the matter to yelling at me, because I was causing trouble for his wife. These people were related to my Mom and that's where we ended up living shortly after Izzy was born.
I can only speak for myself, but I don't think birthmothers go through one grieving process. We grieve for every event the adoptive parents celebrate. When the adoptive parents are bragging about their child learning how to walk, deep down somewhere I was thinking how my daughter was probably walking by now and sad that I didn't see it happen. I got very sick that first year, I suffered from gall stones, and went without treatment, because no one would see past the depression that I must have from having to admit that I had a pregnancy and not raising a baby.
I no longer grieve the loss of that baby. I grieve that I wasn't there for her 17Th birthday party. I was driving my kids to their Dad's and the day after her birthday there were tons of cars at their house. I witnessed the love of friends and family by cars, but I was just a car on the road. We can't quit grieving. Just for the record.. I do drive past her parents house, but only to drop or pick up kids, because they live 1/2 mile away. I do look over there, but mostly I am no more than any other car on the road. I only go past there when I have to pick up or drop off kids.
Fast forward to the present. My older son goes to the same school that I went to when I was a 9Th grader. I haven't had the courage to walk those halls again. I don't know if I ever will. One thing that is weird is that I remember when my daughter was placed for adoption, I knew what city the aparents lived in. I thought well at least she will walk in the same halls that I once did. It wouldn't be till she was a 7Th grader. But ya know what, because they moved back, she did walk in the same halls as me. My son is walking in the same halls as Izzy did, and I can't even go back.
On a positive note, I was afraid that Izzy and my son would be at the same school next year. He would be a 9Th grader and she will a 12 grader. The school district has decided to make a 9Th grade campus, so the high school next year will only be 10Th through 12Th.
So I think yes I did grieve for the baby, but I am still grieving the loss of the young woman Izzy is becoming. I have missed everything.
I know that on all sides of adoption their is grief. When most adopt it's because they can't carry a baby to term. I can't begin to understand that. I have read that for some the grief of not being able to be pregnant and give birth disappears after you have a baby in your arms, and you take care of that baby as it grows up. For us birthparents we don't have a good alternative to our original problem.

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