Friday, January 16, 2009

I moved out of my Mom's when I was 18 years of age. Right away we got into a pattern of seeing my Mom meant that I made the effort. If I didn't make the effort to call or visit there wouldn't be any contact. I didn't get too visit too often, because of transportation issues. I have tested this out, and made it as far as six months.. I finally gave in and called.
I didn't think it was personal, but lately I am not so sure. I see how she is so much more into my younger sister and brother. At first I said it must be because they need her more. I think they needed to borrow money, or get rides. I on the other hand was older, and not so dependent on her.
In the last few months, I have decided not to have a relationship on her terms anymore. I admit that I have anger issues over the adoption of my daughter. I made the mistake of writing in my blog that I share with family how angry I was. So my Mom is aware of how I blame her. I don't put all the blame on her though.
So after my Mom drove over 12 hours for the second time in two years to see my older sister, I decided to not have call or see her. I was angry, she has only been to my house at the max of three times in 14 years, and I live 10 minutes away.
The day before Thanksgiving came and I had a small dinner, and my sister asked me did you tell Mom? I said no that " I am done having a relationship on her terms. I am not going to pretend for the holiday"She said how Mom was hurt, then she said something about how Mom saw what I wrote on my blog. We didn't get to talk about it, because of kids. (plus we have never talked about my daughter, I didn't know she knew until recently) So Thanksgiving passes and no phone call either way.
There was this day when my sister said Mom asked me to join them for lunch. I went and I wondered why can't she call me? I could feel the tension in the air. We have ran into each other at our local restaurant, and it's weird. We say hello and that's about it.
Christmas came and no phone calls were made either way. I admit that I tried to call her from my clients house. I didn't have her number in my cell phone. Also I admit that I changed companies and never gave her the new number. It's not hard to get though.
My brother and sister have both talked with my husband. They have asked him, if I am mad at Mom? They don't ask me. He tells them yes that I am mad at her. He tells them it's over the adoption and her ignoring me.
I think my Mom has a lot of guilt. I have wrote my Mom a letter, but haven't decided if I am going to send it to her. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will
  • look like a cry baby
  • look stuck in the past
  • that my Mom will talk and things get twisted around... I feel like Izzy's parents have all the control and if they hear I am upset, that they might rethink of giving her permission to meet me.
  • I am afraid that my brother and sisters will get upset with me for hurting our Mom.
  • I am afraid that sending the letter won't fix anything. I can't get Izzy back. If my letter is about a lot of hurt over Izzy... Just because I send the letter isn't going to make me not hurt.
  • I am afraid of discussing Izzy with my Mom. My mom hasn't mentioned the pregnancy or Izzy since the day I had to sign the paperwork. Even then we didn't discuss it. She just drove me.
  • I am also afraid that the contact information the adoptive parents will use will be my Mom's. I am afraid out of anger or guilt she won't pass on the message or my address.

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