Friday, January 9, 2009

just talking

When I was 17 or 18 I ran into Todd. He found he at my place of employment. He had heard that I gave his daughter up for adoption. He was hurt. He said I was the second person to give up his children. I felt bad for him, but i refused to tell him any information about our daughter. I signed the tpr papers as father unknown, and was afraid he could fight to get her. She had been with her family for two or three years, and I didn't want her taken from them. I didn't know the laws, and I still don't know enough to know if he could have had a chance. So he went away very pissed. I was nervous, because I didn't tell my new boyfriend the truth about having a child. Then when I did tell him, I didn't tell him the whole truth. So I never really wanted to see him again, and hoped to never find him. I didn't think to ask him what his last name was. I just wanted to get away from him.

About six months or so I had a dream of Todd. I was telling him how sorry I was, because he never had the chance to be her Dad. It really got me thinking of him. Did he really know that I was pregnant and chose to do nothing? Was it a case of that we both moved and he never knew where I was? Was it a case of since I told nobody but him, that he didn't believe I was pregnant. But somewhere he learned that I had a child and figured it was his. I got to thinking how I still don't even know his last name. I don't know if he is still in our same state, and for once I am not mad at him anymore. I was mad at myself. What do I tell me daughter about her Dad? I know Dad isn't quit the right word, but you all know what I mean. It was love, but I don't remember his last name. See I told my family that I was raped, and no one questioned me on who raped me. So as of lately I been wondering has my daughter grown up thinking she is a product of rape? I really hope they didn't pass that information on.

So I was desperate to locate Todd, and I know this like searching for a needle in a haystack, but I was looking through the phone book. I know this is Crazy, but I was looking under all the guys with the first name of Todd and see if any of the last names rang a bell.

What I found next just blew me away. I found the last name of the couple who adoped Izzy, and then was bth of their first names. I about fell over. It can't be, because I was told that after the adoption was final they moved out of the state. So now I wonder did they ever really move? I remember thinking back when they adopted her that she would one day walk in the same school as I did, but they moved or did they really? Only time will tell me the truth.

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