Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I just had to go

I just had to go check the library for the updated year book. They finally had it in. So I look up my daughter's name and there is several pages with that name. There was a girl by the same name that graduated last year. That's part of what got me really thinking about her. Then there is a girl with the same name under her grade. How weird. Well anyways there was two pictures of Izzy. One with a activity she is in, and the other the normal 10Th grade picture. I show my husband and he said, "are you sure this is the right girl" She looks big. He then tells me that I am not that big. I say that, because I am not a small girl and could stand to lose some weight. I told him that yes I am sure it's the right girl. If you had seen the photo in color, you could see it more. I find myself defending her, because a close up picture always adds 10 pounds to you.
But my point is... I don't care if she is big... I don't care that it looks like she has some skin problems.... I don't see all that. She is beautiful!! She is perfect!! I seen that my daughter has teeth... In all the pictures none have showed her teeth, but now I see she has teeth. This sounds crazy being excited about seeing teeth, but the deal is that I have never seen her teeth. Part of me was excited about her not showing teeth when she smiles, because rarely will I show my teeth when I smile.
What really bugs me is that why can't I have a picture of her that isn't a photocopy. They don't bring out the features and I can't see the eye color. It's not something I can quite bring myself to do. Hey check out this... and show a photocopy of her. I so badly want to run with the yearbook,but I don't normally go around committing crimes.
Next year she should graduate from school. Am I crossing the line if I go watch?


Jenn said...

as difficult as this may be to hear, i think you should keep your distance until she is ready. you don't want to jeporadize any relationship that you may have in the future. btw - i love the openess of your blog. we have an amazing open relationship with our birthparents. i can't imagine raising our sons without having them as a part of their lives.

TheRightThing said...

I think that by the time next year comes along and you want to attend her graduation, then you should go. You don't have to tell anyone that you are going or even go up to your daughter and talk with her. You can just go and be an observer. You will have nothing to lose.

If my birth mother would have attended my high school graduation and I found out about it in my younger years, I would have been mad about it. But now that I am older, I wished she would have known me and would have had the opportunity to have gone.

The only reason I would have been mad in my younger years, because I would have felt that she had no right in my life at that time. I see things differently now.

IMHO, you are not jeopardizing your future with her.

Laurel said...

Hi Cristy,

I think that you should NOT attend her graduation for the following reasons...

I am in no way blaming you (or birthmothers), but when you made the decision to place your daughter for was in your hands and not hers. She had no choice in the matter, obviously...right? You held all of the power. (Keeping in mind that it wasn't an easy decision or one that you made lightly and without a lot of pressure from your mother and other adults in your life - I get that.) her, your daughter, she probably doesn't consider other influences on your decision and probably, like me, believes that YOU made the full decision. And, technically...YOU did make the final decision...because you signed the papers (again, I realize there was other pressure on you).

My point is...sometimes adoptees - and I'm speaking for myself and other adoptees I've spoken with - feel powerless. We had no choice. We grew up not having the ability to even know who my bmom was and I wasn't able to contact her until I was of age and had my parents permission. I had the power taken out of my hands.

It could be the same way with your girl, y'know? So, attending her grad...could also be seen as you using the power you have...while she, again, has no choice.

I know you love her. That is clear. However, I think you need to be patient...and leave it up to her. When she's of can most definitely find her, send her a letter or try to contact her. But right now, to me, it feels like it could be an invasion of her privacy. Yes, she may not know you're there...but even if she doesn't, it's still an invasion of her privacy and again...she has no choice in the matter.

I truly do believe that she will contact you when she can. And I think you need to work on yourself, focus on that and be the best person you can be...for when that time comes.

Lizze said...

I just found your blog and I'm slowly working my way through from beginning to end. As an adoptee, I would have loved for my birth mother to have shown an interest in me first. As it was I sought her out and she blew me off and broke my heart the first time around. So I agree with TheRightThing, to an extent. When the time comes. Do what your heart tells you is right, whatever that is. Even if you don't go to the graduation perhaps you could get her a card and hold on to it for when you do meet her.

I now have a relationship with my birth mother and it's very slow going to build it. But she gave me my first birthday gift this year (you know, except for the whole gift of life ;) lol) and I was over the moon. I also have been blessed enough to have an opportunity to develop a relationship with one of my older sisters.

So please just follow your heart and keep the hearts and toes of others in mind as well. :)