Monday, January 26, 2009

I spent quite a bit of time this past weekend away from my husband. I did a late night shopping trip, and spent time with a old friend, which he said is silly. I just wished he would understand that I am not him. He may think having a friend other than me and my Dad is silly, but hey it's what I like. I don't tell him it's silly to drink coffee or ramble on and on about his job. Okay today when he was complaining, I had him on speaker phone, and put the phone on the cat. Normally I would deal with his crap, just by listening, but I am tired of what I do being called silly, dumb or stupid. I look at it this way. I like having a medium size dog. Someone else might he happy with a lap dog. I wouldn't tell them that they have a wimpy dog.
Well so anyways, he thinks adoption is causing trouble in our marriage, and he does he call. He calls my Mom and has her on speaker phone. He tells her that he has some serious questions to ask her? He said, " What happened to the baby?" Why was she adopted" She said, "You will have to talk to your wife" He said, I have but I want your side of it. she said, " It was your wife's choice" I am thinking. lieing bitch but stay quiet.
she goes on to say how that "your wife didn't tell anyone that she was pregant until she was in labor and that it was because of rape" Okay she got me there, I did lie. So she goes on to say that she didn't see me pregnant because I was fat. Bitch again, I wasn't fat. she said " She wore big clothes to cover it. Okay got me there, but I wore the same shirt for 6 months, it was all that would fit me. Don't get gross it got washed.
So he says how did your sister's friends end up with the baby? she said, " they asked her" That is true and since adoption was pushed on me, I agreed to them. But he says why them? She said. "they couldn't have kids, treatments failed, and they hadn't had any luck finding a baby"
So he says, "I want to know where you are coming from.. how does it feel to not know your grandchildren.. This appears to be mistake on words, but more of the real truth, because she doesn't pay any attention to my kids. She said, how do you think it would make you feel? He said, I don't know. I don't have grandchildren.
She said, "Well you can't dwell on it for 18 years. fuck you Mom it's been 17 years. She then says that it don't bother her, because she knows how she went to a good home" Then she said, I am not going to talk to you anymore, and hung up.
I started to cry a little. Fuck you Mom.. You can't even take a little blame or say how maybe you made a mistake or maybe your a little sorry. Oh and we can't forget she said you can't force someone to give up a baby. the fuck you can't.
So yesterday at work, I wrote my Mom a really really mean letter. Do I send it? I really feel like doing it. I want her to hurt. I am afraid that it could cause me more harm than good. See if she talks and it gets back to Izzy's parents that I am angry and hurt and seem high maintance, then maybe they won't give their consent for her to meet me. In my state the adoptees and birthparents don't have a say until the child is 21 years of age.
Also at work, I worked quite a big on my scrap book. It gives me mostly pleasure, but when I was including a letter about my son to her than it hit me. Why can't my daughter already be his sister. Why if she had to be adopted to we have to live totally seperate lives. Why Why Why my biggest question to my Mom is how do you know she went to a good home? She made it sound like it was as casual as sending my dog off to a good home. Even that would make me cry.

1 comment:

Third Mom said...

Hey, there, sorry for being late to visit, I can't keep up with all the changes in blogs these days. Everyone's moving!

I can feel the pain radiating off this page. What you're facing is so incredibly complex, and to have little to no support wherever you turn makes it that much harder.

Would there be any way you could have a conversation with your mother specifically to address the issues that you feel she isn't supportive about? Perhaps you could write them in a letter as you describe above - briefly, not in detail, and with a request for her to set aside some time to have a long conversation with you about them. Her dismissal of YOUR experience seems to be a quick reaction designed more to avoid having to think and talk about the past. It would be more difficult for her to react that way after hearing from you, in detail, just how hard it is to live without your daughter.

Perhaps when she understands how completely wrong she is to think you could have surrendered your daughter casually, her mind will be more open to your experience. I hope so.