Friday, January 30, 2009

more transfers

On my way to the hospital, my Aunt Mary told me of this couple, who couldn't have kids, and they wanted to adopt, and that maybe they could adopt the baby, and sort of her her in the family. I met them both the day, Izzy was born. I am not going to mention their names. I didn't suddenly love them, but I didn't see nothing bad about them, and what can you really learn in a short visit.
I agreed that they could adopt her. Looking back on that time, I only knew their names, and that they lived in the same city, I did at the time. That they were friends of my aunts. Also they couldn't have kids. I imagined my daughter one day would go to the same middle school that I was in.
Some of my memories have faded, and I am not 100% sure of what was told to me by them. I am 100% sure that I asked them to leave her name as I named her, and they agreed. I know for fact they left her first name the same, but don't know about her middle name. I know they told me that she would know she was adopted, and if she wanted to know me, then they would let her. They really were not clear on if they meant if she was under age, or when she became legal age. I took it as if she was under age, and wanted to know me then they would allow it. I am about 95% sure they said they would give pictures through my Aunt Mary. I don't know if I only heard what I wanted to hear, and they didn't say that. They did however give one little picture of her, before the adoption was final. Which makes me think they did say they would send pictures. I am trying to let go of the anger about the lack of pictures, but it's not easy. The whole time I didn't have anyone looking out for me. My mom wasn't around, and my Dad never showed up at the hospital. I did have a social worker who kept asking are you sure you want to do this, but she never helped me find a way to do raise her.
As I mentioned on another post, that they were at the court house when I signed the tpr paperwork. The soon to be mom didn't make a big impression on me. She didn't make a bad impression on me either. I do remember that she has puffy hair, and I thought Ashley would stand out. The soon to be Dad made a better impression on me. I was crying and no one was coming to comfort me, and he gave me a hug, and just held me for a couple minutes. To this day, I don't know if he was hugging me to comfort me or because he was happy that he was getting a daughter. He made a lasting impression on me. That day it gave me some peace knowing she would have a great Dad. If I close my eyes I can see both of them.
About a month or so after she was born, my Aunt Mary took me to Bingo to get me out of the house. We ran into them. My aunt should have known better as this place was a place they all went. It was very weird, but not totally upsetting. They later on after the adoption moved away to another state to prevent accidental meetings. They thought it would be to weird. Those were my aunt's words many years ago. It was a little odd that she took me out of the house to escape my sadness, and to run into them. I remember thinking why weren't they home with her.
That ends my memories of how her parents came to be. I hope they have been great parents, and will continue to be. I hope they treated her good, and didn't talk about adoption as it is/was a dirty word. I only have my what ifs, because it's all I have been allowed to have. I was put under the rug, and I guess that's okay if that's what they felt like they needed to do. All I can hope for is that Izzy isn't under the rug too. Bye all.

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