Grand baby

My grand daughter was born late July. I was actually at another hospital going to my first appointment with a specialist for my iron deficiency problem. They got me started right away on iron infusion treatments. The baby was born before I get to the hospital. So I did get to go up there and visit with my son, the new Mom and my new grand daughter.





She was so tiny! So beautiful! Amazing! She looks so much like my son.

My husband and I are still on course for breaking up. It's a bit weird knowing the end is coming but not until April.. Almost like a ticking bomb going off just waiting for the life style change to happen.. tick, tick, tick.. We have our good days where we are okay with each other and at peace with our decision.. then there is the bad days where he may say that he feels like he has to walk on egg shells around me. I don't mean to be sensitive but these days I just feel like the things coming out of his mouth are slight digs. I may just be over thinking and taking everything as an attack when it's not. We both are tending to question the others plans on how it will or will not work out in the end.

His big dream is to take a really long bike ride. He plans to ride to Seattle Washington where is daughter lives and then try to stay places where it's warm. He plans on blogging about his experience as he travels down the road.. If you don't mind please check out his blog. Go HERE Follow it if you think you maybe interested in following him on his trip.

Today, was my daughter's 24th birthday.. Birthdays have never been easy. It's much better than what it used to be.. but it's still like a dark cloud surrounding her birthday. I have never had birthday cake with my daughter on her birthday or cake in general.. I have given gifts but never seen her open gifts on her birthday. I have celebrated her birthday over meals.. howwever, our relationship just isn't what I would hope it to be.. I get little snip bits of information of her life thru facebook and if I am lucky see her once a year.. We tend to have one good visit.. one bad visit.. or maybe it's just how I see things. I notice a rift around her last birthday. Not sure what caused it or if it's all in my head. Last year, for the first time, I didn't send flowers to her on her birthday. Not sure if that bothered her or not. This year I didn't send flowers again but I gave her a nice plant in person.

My husband made a cake today for her birthday. I feel odd admitting we ate birthday cake on her birthday without her. I admit I ate way too much cake.


I am not extremely sad about her birthday. I have to accept things as they are right now. Maybe someday in the future it will be different for us.

birthday visit

To read about my visit with Izzy to celebrate her upcoming birthday head over to my private blog.

Baby shower

I am so behind on blogging. The baby shower went really well. We had a great turn out and they got lot of gifts.. We did a lot of the typical baby shower games and had a lot of laughs over the games.. we all oohed and awwed over the gifts. I will spare you all the little details. Here is a couple pictures from the fun day.

Calling it quits

My life has taken a sudden turn of events. I have decided to call it quits on my life with my husband. It's been a rough couple weeks because even though I want this marriage to end I feel sad that it came to this. My husband has plans to ride off on his bike.. you can read more about his plans here.

We can't split up until April. I am not happy about it. I just feel like this time is going to be weird and odd to act married and together knowing we are breaking up/ broke up.

Catching up

I am so behind on blogging.. I never finished the blogging about the birthmom's retreat. I am not sure if it's something I will get to do again but I will always hold that experience close to my heart.. the key I wanted to touch most on and probably last is the speaker that spoke to us. She is an adoptive Mom.. and she just really touched me. I feel like she really has taken the time to try to try to imagine the heartache birthmom's go thru and only got to begin to experience that because she somehow ended up pregnant and it resulted in a healthy child.. I can't do it justice so I am just going to link her blog.. if I can find it.

Here is her blog.. go here.

Go here for the post about her time she spent with us bringing the whole room to tears.. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Sorry wrong post.. go here for the message from the retreat.

Closed records stink..

I have gotten to know a coworker of mine.. She has told me little things about herself bit by bit.. This is what I know about her.. She was born to a white Mother who was married to a white man but she had an affair with an Indian man. So I believe she is half white and half Indian. Actually shows more of being Indian than white.

She told me how she was abused as a young child to the extent of being locked in the closet and kicked down stairs.. She was taken away and put into foster care. I am unclear if she really remembers this abuse.. I get the impression that she doesn't but had a lot of anger as a child and wasn't an easy child to be around... pushed all the rules ect..

She did end up getting adopted by a foster family even though I guess there was tornmoil in that family.

What floored me is that we were talking about age and she seemed to not want to answer how old she was.. basically said yes to two of my ages that I had said.. we had previously talked about age so I was just trying to refresh my memory.

It turns out that this co worker doesn't really know how old she is. Her records place her being born in 1957 but there is no way this person is almost 60 years of age.. She has sort of wondered if it was a typo and the year born was actually 1967. That would put her at 48 years of age.. which seems more likely but still think that's pushing it.

I have always known closed records effect adoptees but never known someone to not know how old they are.. it's just sad.

Birthmom buds retreat part two Saturday

You can read part one below or click here.

I mentioned I didn't sleep well during the night. I am awake much earlier than I needed to be for the day's events. The hotel had complimentary breakfast so that is the first thing we did.. the first event didn't start until 830am.. we get down to breakfast about 7:45am.. I made all healthy choices because I was determined to stay on track with healthy eating. We walk over to a table and we start to sit down.. I spot a few of the birthmom's and felt like I should be with them.. So I asked my husband did he mind and he said he didn't.

I don't recall a lot about the conversations but I am pretty sure all the Mom's I was sitting with were in much earlier phases of being a birthmom. They seem more open and comfortable in the skin and the reasons why they choose adoption. I didn't hear a lot of regret. Sure. I heard stories about missing their child but no regrets was showing thru.

We all had the common bond of giving our child to someone else but I different from them in some ways. I didn't choose adoption. I didn't want adoption. One birthmom didn't even want to hold her baby. I wanted to hold my baby and be Mom.. and I did get to be Mom for about 24 hours. That's much too short of a time. Maybe they have a much better chance at having acceptance of themselves and their situation cause they made that decision. I think adoption can be a beautiful thing but it destroys one family to build another and it's not something I can easily forget. I lost a daughter. Izzy's birthfather lost a daughter. Izzy lost her parents. My sons' lost their sister. They will never grow up as really have that common bound with each other. They will never say "it's a Dunkin" thing.

I started this post a couple days ago and I am still struggling for words. It's such an hard experience to document cause words doesn't give it justice.


Saturday was a pretty jammed packed day of events that was going on for us birthmoms. They had assigned seats this time around and it appeared like it was done that way for a reason. All of the women were in reunion or had reunion and the child had pulled away. There were two birthmoms who stories of reunion made my heart happy for them yet sad for me.

One birthmom had such a great relationship that they both would be speaking that day about the adoption and reunion experience.

Another birthmom was floored when she asked me where I was from cause her son lives in the same city. She was caught up in the days of where they sent girls away. So she stayed in a hotel room all by herself and gave birth to her son while living in my home city. She said that she has a really good relationhip with her son.

There were goodie bags and prizes given to everyone but the birthmom that I mentioned above made necklaces for everyone.



It says love (luv) n.v. a passionate feeling of affection for another person. The necklace and the thought of the necklace touched my heart in a very special way. Here this birthmom who is in a very happy reunion spends a quite amount of time making necklaces for a group of women she never met. It was hard for me to allow myself the feelings to re surface from adoption and knowing that I most likely will settle back down into my normal pattern of being quite about all my heart aches..

So I wear the necklace all the time and touch it often. I feel it as a reminder of a room full of strangers coming together to share their experiences of adoption. We cried. We hugged. We laughed. We felt each others pain. We also smile at the good stories of reunion. Smile at the adoptive parents that honor the open adoption agreements.. Cheered for the few states that have made open adoption legally binding. I believe North Carolina is one of them.

Yesterday was birthmothers day and I don't celebrate it. I am not proud of adoption nor do I want to celebrate all the pain that I have experienced.

I posted this message on facebook. I admit I hid it from my daughter. I probably freaked her out from all my sad posts from the retreat weekend.

I know for many of my new friends this weekend is hard. Today is birthmothers day and I choose not to celebrate it. What I did choose is to be good to myself. I picked clothes that is so comfortable and looks good. I choose to walk on the track at the YMCA listening to my music. I braved the cold water pool to get some swimming in. Tomorrow on actual mother's day I am most likely going to go get a pedicure at the salon..so to all of you that get it. My advice is be good to yourself. You are all in my thoughts.

Along with this picture.


Today is Mother's day! I did my pedicure! It was so refreshing. I am not super depressed.. no tears yet.. but not really super happy either.. I did ask my Mom to go out for pizza even though at times I am still very angry with her.

This felt so good!


The finished product.



It's going to take me a couple more posts to get thru sharing.. so check back later.

Do I have any readers that come but don't follow?? I would love to see my followers get up to 200! It would be huge deal for me!! I plan on breaking my retreat experience down into a few different posts. I really need to get back into blogging more. It's my therapy! Oh... so is running, body combat and Spin. Now follow along.

Birthmom Buds retreat part one

I am not sure I can really document with words about my experience with the retreat! I will try my best to show the main points but more so really get into the emotions from it.

I spent the week before the retreat stressing about it. It didn't help that I had a cold and wasn't getting my workouts in so that just added to my stress. I started not sleeping because I typically don't talk about my adoption loss in person and when I do I just touch the first level of it. I have build a wall and don't really express myself. I pretend to be okay when at times I really am not okay.

I spent a good portion of the week with tension in my stomach. It was basically the butterflies from being nervous and too many butterflies made me feel slightly ill to my stomach.

The retreat started on Friday evening but we left Thursday morning about 10 am. It was quite an adventure. I don't really like to travel much. I am getting better and really did enjoy all the neat things to see as we were driving. I did a little sleeping on the ride too.



They had created a facebook page for the birthmom's but I still felt very nervous. We got to the hotel early before the night kicked off. I had seen some of the birthmom's were meeting early in their rooms and I posted this picture online that I was going to go find them.



I just flat out lied! I couldn't talk myself into finding the other birthmom's. I was nervous. I was scared out of my mind! It's been drilled into my head for so long that I don't talk about being a birthmom and I am not confident in my reunion... but if the birthmom's have younger kids and don't know anything about their kids.. like me many years ago.. my thought process is am I going to be sounding ungrateful! I don't know if I have ever been so nervous in my life. Not only is the point of the retreat to talk to others who may have similar stories but these are strangers.

So finally the time for the event to start and my husband walks me over the location of the hotel that the retreat was getting started. He sat with me until a couple other birthmom's walked in the area.. I honestly was so freaking nervous about it all..

So the event was called The Friday night mixer. We all sat just anywhere we wanted to sit. The girls at my table were all in different spots with it all. One girl had placed a baby less than six months ago. I didn't even want to think about where I was in my life when I was less than six months post placement. Sometimes, when I look back at those early days, I am in disbelief that I survived those early moments of loss.

One birthmom's daughter has just recently turned 16 years of age and she was pregnant with her 3rd child but only second child raising. It sounded like she was in an open adoption. I didn't know much about my daughter but when she was about 16 years old is when I found out she lived in my area. I am sure some of you will remember me contacting the parents by mail to see how Izzy was doing and to get a picture but days and months passed without any answer. I remember at the six month mark I wrote again and again nothing. I was going thru my own private hell and I remember being verbally attacked because my husband didn't understand me.

I remember eventually seeking counseling thru the adoption agency that had gave me some counseling after the first year.. not that it was effective.. that is when they would take you to a fast food place and chit chat over a soda.. so it wasn't never really any kind of deep stuff going on.

The counseling this time around was a little more effective. I had been seeing one lady and when she quit.. I quit myself cause I had to ask for help all over again.. but eventually I did it and met with a new lady. It was with her that I really made gains and started getting some control of my life back.. She is the one who suggested I make Izzy a scrapbook. It really helped me pass the time. I still have the book and can't bring myself to actually call it finished or give it to her.

The friday mixer was dinner. They had gotten salad, pizza and cupcakes. I was amazed with myself not to go back for more cupcakes cause I was really stressing.. I think I have made a turning point when it comes not to turning to food for comfort. They did little games and such as a ice breaker.

One game they had you name three things about yourself and one of them had to be a lie and then the others would try to guess. I said "I was a teacher. I lost over 100 pounds and don't remember what the other truth was.. so when someone guessed that the teacher bit was a lie.. I said.. "no that's the truth" LOL I had to come back and say it was the lie.

The mixer was only about two hours and some of the birthmom's had been there before and I know they would hang out together but I couldn't handle anymore.

I left that spot in nearly in tears.. bye the time I got to my husband who was in our hotel room.. I was tearing up and shaking. I never felt so scared, alone and uncomforable with a group of women. I was feeling so miserable and didn't want to just sit in the hotel room.. I don't really like to cry. I can't remember the last time I let my husband see me cry.. I know he is different now but it used to get ugly when I cried over this stuff.

My truth is that after 23 years and reunion that I am not comfortable in my own skin. I am not proud of this part of my history. I know I sealed Izzy's fate by hiding the pregnancy for 9 months.. things might have been much different had I not hid it so well.. But I know my Mom would have pushed abortion so if it had to be abortion or adoption. I would choose life.. today.. if I could have a kid and no money... I would choose to eat mac n cheese every day before I did adoption.

We were in a strange city so going off on my own wasn't an option for me. I had plan on going to the fitness room to walk on the treadmill but he suggested a walk around the city. It's was a much better idea that walking on a treadmill.. We spent about an hour walking thru the city. It's such a neat city. It helped change my thought process and it was just what I needed.



I went to sleep that night and once again I wasn't able to sleep well. I knew I would have a long day. I hoped that as the weekend went on that I would feel more comfortable with the whole situation. I will try to post more about the rest of the retreat soon.

Away on birthmom's retreat

I am away on my birthmom bud's retreat! I was stressing a week before the trip about the triggering effect it may have on me. I wa right. It's been hard. It's the final day. We just have a farewell breakfast and then my husband and I will be leaving for Tennesee. We plan on dinner with my sister and staying in a hotel room before we head home on Monday morning. I will try my best in another post to capture the emotions of the retreat.

Retreat count down

My retreat is around the corner. We leave Thursday morning. We wil pick up our rental car and then be on the road.

I been feeling excited but also a lot of anziety about it all.. the trip itself is a little scary... most of my fear is the retreat myself. Will I feel comfortable around others? Will I insult others with my lack of happiness with my reunion? Will the birthmom's who are very early in their grief trigger something deep inside of me that I have buried? Will I relive those early moments? Will I find a birthmom or two that I can connect with and hang with? Will I get lost in the town?

I have never been good about being open with my adoption loss and reunion.. I live with a lot of shame and guilt. It's much better than it used to be but still for the most part I keep adoption loss pretty private.

It doesn't help that I have been sick and putting my workouts on hold. I have tried to workout but then seemed to get sicker so right now it's all on hold. I have too much invested in the trip to cancel over a sickness.

I am thinking of bringing my scrapbook so other birthmom's can look at it and get ideas about making one.

I still am excited but just a little scared. I hope all my fears are proven false once I get there.

My visit

I thought I would do a quick update on my visit with Izzy and my emotions about it.

We were supposed to do a late lunch but she contacted me and said it would have to be over something quick like coffee cause her husband's Mom was in the hospital and due to be released. I will be honest with ya that I feel like it's a good excuse but still an excuse to keep our time short. However, I was grateful for the time we had visiting and I had my first starbucks experience with her and her husband.

I was pleased with myself how I handled her being in town. I didn't spend the whole week and half on edge waiting for a reply because I was putting it all in her court. She contacted me about the wreath and we set up the time to meet.

I only had two bad days while she was in town where I felt bad. I felt like I am not important to her. She was in town for 10 days and I got 45 minuites of her time. I am grateful that I did get that 45 minutes and the beautiful wreathe but just wished for more. She was sick when she first got here so not sure how much that played into things.

I think I am starting to become more at peace with our relationship and slowly learning that it's not me. I am a good person. I am worth knowing and loving. If I can't get let in her heart.. I guess that's just how it's going to be for now.. Maybe someday when she is more ready for something more I will be around.

It was suggested by a friend that she might be uneasy around me because of my weight loss. It's a really good possibility that it could be the case. It's just hard to say. It's not easy admitting I know my daughter but I really don't know her. She won't let me.




By the way, I got my hair done so I look great for my upcoming retreat.

Edit.. to say that I have posted a couple pictures on my private blog.

Better late than never

I am sorry I left you all hanging about if I seen my daughter or not while she was here in town. I did and she brought the wreath she made. It came out very nice and I will gladly hang it up for the baby shower and then they can keep it for keepsakes.

I will post more soon about my thought and feelins about the meeting and how I handled it. It's nothing bad.. I may do it on my private blog and if I do I will let you all know when I do post it.

Izzy has been in town for a week now. I have stuck to my original plan not to contact her to meet up. I wasn't sure if she would have done the wreath with her being ill when she first got here. She wrote me today and said it should be done today. I wrote back and asked when should I get it and did she want to get something to eat?? So does that count against my orginal plan? I am caught on that one.

She hasn't wrote back yet.. so stay tuned to see if I get to spend a little time with her or not.

She posted a picture of her brother on facebook and says it's sibling day.. I imagine that stings for my kids.. I know it does for me and she isn't even my sister.

Izzy is in town for about a week and half. She was ill but is reporting she is better. I have come to terms with the fact that me asking to see her makes me feel really bad.. okay.. let's face it.. her not answering me.. makes me feel bad.. She did answer my most recent message about how long the trip is so I know she can read her messages that I send privatly. It's her choice to reply or not.

So as much as it pains me to admit I am not asking to see her. She did offer to make a wreath for my son's girlfriend's baby shower but I just have to accept she either did it or didn't do it and will contact me or won't contact me.

I will not put myself thru the emotions of sitting on pins and needles while I beg to see her.. So if I see her it will because she contacted me and not the other way around. I don't want to face rejection.

I really hope Izzy doesn't face any kind of sadness or anger over my decision.. If we go the whole week and half and never meet up. It's not all on me. For two people to have a relationship then two people need to make the effort. I guess I am accepting to love her from afar if that is what I need to do.

I have to look after my well being and I don't deserve to be walked on.. I maybe singing a different tune as her time gets closer to being up here.

Baby shower decorations and reunion

I forgot to mention something about the baby shower. Izzy makes wreathes and I asked her if I could pay her to make one for the baby shower. She offered to do it her treat. So that's pretty awesome!


The above picture is not the wreath she made.. It's just an example of one of the wreathes I seen on google.

Izzy got into town yesterday! It was a surprise visit but I knew about it. So hoping I get to see her. I really have no idea if she really made the wreath or not due to her becoming pretty sick. She went to the dr when she got into town and has a long list of illness like flu, sinus infection and double ear infection. I think I am missing something.

Part of my reunion update is that I have noticed something about my contact with Izzy. If I write her about pretty much anything that has nothing to do with seeing her then I get a pretty fast answer.. so it is what it is.. I would imgaine if she did make the wreath that I would see her. I guess only time will tell.

Retreat

I am part of a facebook group that is connecting me with other birthmoms that will be attending the retreat. It's nice to sort get to meet other people this way as a little bit of a ice breaker. They posted about a gofundme fund to raise money to help pay for the retreat cost that are not being put on us birthmoms.

I believe there is about 25 birthmoms that will be attending from different areas of the world.. Some of the birthmoms are new birthmoms.. one girl posted today how she is having a hard day cause it's her child's first birthday and another a few days ago posted about a hard month.

If your reading my blog and your life has been touched by adoption in any way would you consider donating to the retreat fund? My goal would be to see a dollar for every birthmom so add 25.00 more dollars raised as a direct of my blog.. So if 25 people could donate 1.00 or 50 people donate .50 then that goal would happen.

Please check out this out here and consider helping out. Birthmom Buds was created by two birthmoms that saw a need and I am happy that I am getting able to go to this retreat.

baby shower

I am thrilled to announce I am planning a baby shower for my son's girlfriend!!!

It will be in the early part of June! Your all welcome to send gifts! I am just kidding. Just send me your well wishes that I throw a great baby shower since it is my first and it's not emotionally triggering for me.

I am really excited to be part of something so beautiful! They are not married yet and not sure if they really have future plans to do so but I am loving the idea of having a daughter n law. It's kind of exciting to be able to get to know this young girl. This is an event where I hopefully won't feel second best.. Sadly, the girlfriend doesn't have a mother figure in her life.. So I will be one of two grand mothers.. if we count my ex husband's wife. :)

I already got the place picked. I am doing it at my job.. I have some food ideas to do.. I haven't got the invitations out yet or done the decorations yet. I figure I got time still.. I hope to get inviations going soon.

Confession

I just had lunch with my son and his girlfriend. She is really showing her pregnancy now.. She is due late July! I am really excited for them and for myself. I can't why to the baby is born but I have a confession.

I came home and ate a bit of food out of control.. meaning way more than I needed too. I already had ate lunch so not hungry. I had way to much homemade carrot cake and then 4 chocolate covered cherries and feel sort of yucky! I haven't workout yet so that doesn't help my situation. I don't know what is but feel like it's triggered by seeing them..

I don't know if it's an adoption thing or just stressed about the life changing events my son will be going thu.. As of right now the momma to be is under age and lives at home with her Dad.. if Dad gets mad he controls them by not letting my son see his girlfriend. Mom will be 18 years of age shortly after the baby is born and my son says they will get their own place then.. but the kicker is that Mom quit her job so that means at the moment she doesn't have any money.

I really like my son's girlfriend and I am excited to see where that goes as far as her being part of my family... I wonder if that is where my bad feelings is coming from.. does this young girl represent my lost daughter? As in I see what I am missing??

Well, I don't quite know what it is that has caused this stress but time to get rid of this pent of energy and hoping that it all resolves itself.

retreat rambles

I go on my birthmother's retreat in about a month! I am super excited to go! I feel like this event might be life changing for myself. It will be filling a need of mine that has been missing for ages. I am still chipping away saving money to make the trip as nice as possible. I don't want to be worried about money.

I have decieded to maintain my weight loss and haven't given it much thought if I will aim to be strict with myself or enjoy my time and not think about calories and just eat what I want. I been maintaining my loss for a month now. I will try to post pictures soon.

I do have something heavy on my mind. I feel uncomfortable talking about this retreat! I even feel guilty for feeling odd about it. I guess I still don't feel good in my own skin when it comes to being a birthmom. I have mentioned it to a few people and one person who is a co worker happens to know about it cause we are friends on facebook and I shared the post about the retreat and he asked me what it is.. so kind of akward when someone asks what is "birthmombuds" who doesn't really know my past.

Reunion has made talking about things a little easier but overall unless the person is close knit with me and I am comfortable with them.. it's just not a subject I like talking about. I guess that's more for the reason why I need this retreat.

Retreat update

I am getting pretty excited about my upcoming retreat for birthmom's! I am excited for the chance to get a little one on one time with my husband during the travel..and the chance to meet other birthmom's. I think that experince is going to be out of this world. I know that we all won't have the same stories or even the same thoughts on adoption but to be in a room full of other women who have placed children for adoption should be amazing!

Birthmom Buds is the one putting on the retreat and it's been happening for years. I took time to look at some of the videos and it makes the trip that much more real.

I have a good chunk of the money saved for the retreat but I must stay on my toes and add money each week as possible to make this trip happen for sure. I can't believe it's only about 7 weeks away from happening. You can check out the blog by birthmom buds here.

retreat

My retreat for the birthmom's bud's retreat is about 3 months away. We have most of the arrangements done.. All I need to do is to save a little money here and there so we are not worrying about every little dollar. But I do have a big chucnk of it saved.

I was talking to a great friend about the retreat and she was shocked that I was going so far. She asked the million dollar question. Since I am going to be in North Carolina and that is where Izzy lives.. Will I see her? Izzy does live 4 hours away from where the retreat is being held. If she is too busy to connect to meet up when she is a 20 minute drive.. isn't she going to be too busy to connect when she may need to do a bit of driving?

That is such a hard question. I wouldn't be a birthmom if it wasn't for giving birth to Izzy and placing her for adoption but I don't want the main focus about my trip to consume myself with will I see Izzy or not? Will Izzy reject my inviation to meet? I want the whole focus to be about meeting other birthmom's and maybe forming friendships thru our simliar stories.. I also want the focus to be spending time with my husband during the ride there and the ride home. I don't want to come home all shook up and depressed because she couldn't or wouldn't meet up with me.. Now.. I know the event itself could be triggering and I may come home all shook up and depressed but why add fuel to the fire.

It's not that I don't want to see Izzy. I would love to see her while we are there. I don't want to face the rejection or feel the rejection on this weekend.

Izzy was doing a bit of traveling in North Carolina last weekend and I did mention how we will be coming there for a retreat so maybe I will just let it play out.

After much consideration I decided I wouldn't share my post from my time where my step daughter's baby was born and I took it hard. It's just too raw and full of emotions that I don't want to put it out on this blog. My grand daughter just turned 5 recently and I have come a long way since that day.

What I learned by going back and looking at the old post is now I fully understand why I reacted the way I did and I bet most birthmothers would have had a hard time with it.

It was 5 years ago. 5 years ago, around this time, I was in contact with my daughter but had yet to meet her. I had found her in late 2009 but we spent a whole year in contact before we met in person. So when my step daughter had her baby I was very much on an emotional roller coaster trying to figure things out with my daughter and sitting on pins and needles to meet her.

I am in a much happier place so I am hoping I don't have any flash backs of repeated emotions when my second grand daughter will be born.

baby details

More ramdom details about my new grandbaby! Did I mention it's a girl!! I am just so excited! My first granddaughter just turned five and hopefully on Monday we will share some cake with her for her birthday. 5 years ago, I was in such an unhappy place. I quickly scanned over a post or two I had wrote in my private blog and I might share it just to reflect on how much time does heal things or maybe it's the people in your life.

Maybe, my first grand daughter gave me a lot of healing. Yea. It was tough at first and sometimes because she isn't mine biologlly it can still be hard at times. In the event of death or divorce.. will I still be her Nana?

My husband has a couple times referred to how I am going to have a "real" or "my own" grandchild and my response is I am "real" and I already have "my own" I won't be telling telling people I have a step grand daughter and a grand daughter.. the only reason I have ever explained how my grand daughter isn't related to me because I always got the look cause I look too young.. Most people don't believe I have grown children.. much less grand children.

I did share the news on facebook but also messaged Izzy and told her how she is going to be an aunt to a brand new baby girl.. So we exchanged a few messages back and forth and she shared my message online and said congrats to Alex.

I have thought about how this baby girl will be Izzy's first relation that she will know from birth.. So that's pretty exciting and odd to think about how Izzy really only has a handful of people that she knows she is related too as in blood ties.

I seen some ultrasounds pictures of my grandbaby and a name was written on it and it wasn't Isabella. Sad face. but I said no pressure and I mean no pressure. I don't want to be one of those Nana's that loose sight in the fact that this is their grand child.. not their child. I don't really care much for the name but I am not 100% sure it's a done deal. It seems like my son doesn't care for the name. Also, she wants to give the baby her last name and not is last name until they are married. I hope they can come to agreements on the name because both should have a say in something so important as a name.

The baby is due July 21st! I been looking at baby stuff but can't bring myself to buy anything yet. It seems like a don't hate me.. but a waste of money. I mean it's 5 months away. I also feel overwhelmed.. it's been so long since I really had a baby and bought stuff so not sure what I would want to get.

Moving along

My plans for the birthmom's retreat is moving along really well. I went thru 3 really bad days of stressing about it. I get so worked up when it comes to travling and money so when you add what could be an emotionally triggering event.. It's not really pretty. My poor husband had to put up with me. I fell off my diet and ate like crap. I have been back on track for about 3 to 4 days and I have decided not to weigh myself for a whole week to get myself on the right track.

As of right now.. I have the car rental done. I have the room reserved for my husband and myself. We are sharing of course. This isn't typical of a retreat cause years past for retreats for mom's with special needs children.. I have my own room or I share with a friend.. but this retreat is much different. So sharing with another birthmom isn't an option cause 1. I don't know anyone. 2. That would cost me more money cause I would still have to pay for my husband's and then my share of the shared room. There is a facebook group that was devoted to the retreat but it doesn't see much action yet.

Our biggest hurdle was child care and pet care. My husband's son is going to stay at our house while we are gone to watch out for my son and the pets. We will get my son used to the pet routine so everything goes smoothly. I feel good about this arrangement. This saves us from boarding the pets and my son can stay in his own room.. Except for Saturday and Sunday night.. my step son has to work.

The easist hurdle to fix was that my husband's boss agreeed to hire my step son and he will take my husband's hours while we are away. We will need child care from Saturday evening to Sunday late and my ex mother n law has agreed to help out.

My time off request just got sent in so hopefully within a week or two I will know they approved it off. We plan on leaving on a Thursday and get back on Monday but I took an extra day to unwind with my family.

I have the money but I haven't officially found a way to put it away out of sight so we won't spend it or risk that it would come up missing.. highly unlikly it would come up missing but probably not a good idea to leave a good chunk of money around.

The last thing that I have to get worked out and not sure if it's something I can work out is that this event could be triggering for me. I have never really openly talked about adoption loss face to face with other birthmom's and that experience has to be a huge thing.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that this trip is in North Carolina and that is where Izzy lives. My husband said where the retreat is being held is about 3 hour drive away from Izzy. I haven't even took time to think about if I will try to arrange meeting up with her. It would seem really sad to get within 3 hours of her and not see her but then again.. it seems like any visit is a struggle to arrange so not sure I want to throw rejection on my weekend.

I have posted about the retreat on facebook and knowing me.. I will continue to so not sure if I should just leave it up to Izzy to see if we can meet up. What are your thoughts on it?

Oh baby!!!

I am very happy to announce that my son is expecting a baby girl!!! He called me today to tell me and I literly screamed!! I would love any grand baby but my heart was really wishing for a girl!! I am beyond thrilled!! They have had two ultrasounds confirm girl! I guess she took a fall and they said girl.. then they had the 3d ultrasound and that said girl!! Happy report baby and Mom are doing okay and the fall didn't hurt the baby.. But I feel bad cause I never asked if it hurt the Mom.. come to think of it.. I never asked if the fall hurt the baby.. but I think he would have brought that up.

I can't wait for this baby to be born to love on her! I am going to have so much fun buying fun girl things for another little girl!! baby dolls, dresses, shoes and more baby dolls!! I can't wait to see her and hold her!! The name I suggested for her is on the list but I did tell me son no pressure.

I still feel a little worried about everything that goes along with a baby.. Dad and Mom don't live together yet. Mom wants to stay with her Dad. Both do have jobs but you know how much babies cost.. I keep thinking I should buy diapers ect.. plan a baby shower but then two thoughts come into my head... one.. I don't want to make assumptions on what they are going to use as far as diapers, car seats ect.. also I am not made of money so while I maybe able to do some stuff.. I have to tell myself slow down! The baby isn't even here yet. She isn't due to July.

Did I mention it's a girl!!! Yes. baby girl!!

Retreat

I don't have all my ducks in order to go on the retreat but I am going to plan it as if I did.. So far I have called about renting a car and found a price I am comfortable with. I didn't reserve it yet. I plan to do so soon. I just booked the room my husband and I will be staying in and I plan to submit my time off request this week for my job. I am excited about this amazing chance to do something way out of my normal.

We don't get out of my local area much. I get nervous about traveling so the only way this trip is possible is to bring my husband. I am not sure how much time I will spend with him while on the retreat but I will lay my head on the same bed as him.

It's very rare that I have ever been in a room with another birthmom so to talk to others who have placed children for adoption will be a real treat.

You can learn more about the retreat by going here and if your feeling like you have a dollar or two to spare donate to this wonderful weekend!

Birthmom's retreat

I have signed up for a retreat for birthmothers that is ran by birthmombuds! It's in May! I am pretty excited about this next adventure that is planned for me. We have a lot to get worked out to make this trip actually happen. It's in North Carolina. It happens to be actually a few hours away from Izzy lives.. It's a 12 hour drive for us but that doesn't include any stops.
I have anziety about traveling and can't travel great distances on my own. My husband has offered to drive me. We most likely will get a rental car. I believe the biggest hurdles will be finacing the trip but tax time should actually make this not really a big deal. Our other major hurdles will be who will stay with my son. I asked his Dad and he is actually planning a trip at the same time. We can't bring him with us because we expect to be gone about 4 days and two of them are school days. It was suggested we ask my ex mother n law but then their is the issue of how my son will get to school and back.

I will be staying in a hotel room during the retreat so I will have to put my husband up too.. so in some ways this will be a getaway for us because I of course will be sharing the room with him. Our other really big issue is our pets. We have 2 dogs, 3 cats, one turtle, one bunny and fish. We are debating boarding the dogs but that's gonna run at least 100 per dog.. but we don't know who we can trust to come in and take care of them.

The least of our problems is probably getting the time off work but I have yet to put in a request.

I just am thrilled at the idea of the chance to connect with other birthmoms and be around others that have experienced the same sadness and struggles that I have over the years. I am even more excited that my husband is willing to drive me all the way there. Let's just hope we can pull everything off.

My answer to a comment left.

The comment left was this..

Maybe Izzy does not know where she and you stand either. Maybe Izzy wants to be an aunt of your grandchild, participate in baby shower or something like that?
Could you suggest something like that to her?

I thought this would be a nice blog post instead of just answering in the comment section.

It's very true that there is a chance that Izzy doesn't know where she and I stand with each other. We really don't have a mother daughter relationship and I can't pin point what kind of relationship I would describe it as.. Truth is that I am closer to my sisters than I am with her. so I wouldn't call it a sister relationship.

However, out in public people have thuoght we were sisters because we look quite a bit alike and there is only 15 years apart in our ages.

I wouldn't call it a cousin relationship.. truth is I am not really in much contact with cousins except for facebook.. so maybe in a strage way if you take away our rare speed dating quicl visits.. At times it seems more of a superficial relationship based on knowing we are family but not really acting as family. However, I don't send gifts to my cousins nor do I miss them really. We do always embrace hello and goodbye. I don't know if that is cause she feels that is what I want or if she came from a hugging kind of family.

When it comes to big news in our lives I do try to tell Izzy before she learns about it on facebook. I do that because I believe somethings because she is important to me shouldn't be learned in that way. So, I did contact her about my son's girlfriend expecting a baby and I got message right back.. It tells me something. She does see my messages and chooses not to reply but since it was exciting writes me back asap.

Izzy has been included in a few of our celebrations over the years. A graduation party and a birthday party comes to mind. I was invited to her wedding reception but I do feel like around that time is around the time I noticed an big decline in our relationship.. That was also around her 23rd birthday.

I don't know for sure about a baby shower. I suggested to my son I could throw her one for his side of family but truth is I don't know a thing about throwing baby showers and I am not much of a party thrower. I am thinking about asking a friend for help and renting one of those outside shelters and giving her a shower in early June. The baby is due in July. I am antipating I may need to help with the costs of the baby but that is just my mind trying to figure how these two will support a baby on McDonald's pay..

Which gets me thinking that I met my first husband while working for McDonald's and we made it.. but not really.. cause we had to live with family for the first year.. My son and his girlfriend can't really live with me and keep their jobs cause they live about an ahour away.

Back to the actual baby shower.. If I throw one.. I will for invite Izzy to the baby shower but the thing is Izzy lives a good distance away from us. So Unless I get word about them taking a trip here which they often do.. I don't see her coming to a baby shower..They tend to come about twice a year but I don't think the timing would work right.

I will for sure let her know when the baby is born and tell her she is an aunt. It will be up to her to speak of it she doesn't want to be Aunt Izzy.

I think sometimes Izzy is testing my love for her.. I will try to remember to blog about that soon.

I will say I do feel good about not asking about the gift. I have backed my interacting with her a bit on facebook. I haven't quit speaking to her but really keeping it limited and not being all over everything she says.. not that I was on everything that came out of her mouth.

My week

I have had about ten days to spend with my little sister. I actually only worked one day out of those ten days so I had quite a bit of down time to hang with her and also other family members. It's hard being so far from her. She is working so hard in school and will graduate in May! So I am excited for her and we plan on making the trip for her graduation.

Sunday, we took a little trip to see Alex and his girlfriend. It's becoming more real that they are going to have a baby. I suggested the name Isabella if it's a girl and they seem to like it. My son likes the name Ashton if it's a boy. I am hoping for a girl. I am still worried how they are going to afford and manage a baby but we all make it work so I am sure it will be fine. My son's girlfriend doesn't want to move out of her Dad's yet and my son was talking about getting his own place. I found out what he pays and what he will pay if he would move. I actually suggested that he stay where he is cause it's going to cost double out on his own.

After, seeing my son. My sister, my Mom, Stephen baked a bunch of cookies. I actually mailed some cookies to Alex! It came with tracking and the postal worker pointed out tracking but said, "I am sure they will let you know when they get them" I found it ironic that had I been sending something to Izzy I would wonder if she would respond. I don't believe my son would get them and not contact me to say thanks.. but should be interesting.

Izzy is back on myfitnesspal logging her food and even liking some of my status on there. So that is a good thing.. maybe my head just gets to focased on making up my own stories about what is going on in her head since it's hard to know. Why don't I know where I stand? I guess fear of losing what little I have or hearing something harsh that I don't want to hear.

I will be starting a new work schudule tomorrow. I am going from a 5 day work week to a 4 day work week. This will give me a 3 day weekend off. This will make it so we are not searching for child care every other weekend and make it a little easier for me when events pop up on Saturday.

Follow up on the Chrismtas gift

It's beena week and half since Izzy got the Chrismtas gift that I sent her. It's not her normal behavior not to thank me for a gift but I know she got it since it came with tracking. I have decided that it's in my best interest that I don't question her about it. I don't think any answer will make me feel better so no need to question her to give her the choice to either choose not to reply cause she feels put on the spot ect.. or come up with an excuse as why she didn't write back.

So I will just leave it be. It is what it is and we just seem to be drifting apart.

I am feeling a bit better about the no contact from Izzy to say thank you for the gift. I walked to my best friend and she reminded me that I really haven't been getting a lot of contact from her anyways.. I did contact her to tell her about my son's girlfriend being pregnant and she wrote right away.. so that does tell me she gets the messages and depending on how exciting or interesting it is to her if she will respond..

I told my friend how that I need in the future to either send gifts expecting I might not even get a Thank you or not send them at all. She made a vailid point. I shouldn't have a relationship with her that mostly revolves around me sending her gifts. So I might have to go back and remind myself of this later but I don't believe I will send gifts to her anymore. I hope that doesn't sound wrong. I spoke to my friend about the difference of unconditional love and just being rude..

She believes she is being rude. If someone gives you something. You say Thank you! It's just how people with manners treat other people.

I do know from experience from interacting with her and watching her on facebook that she does have manners. As a matter of fact, the very same day she got my package she thanks her husband and someone else on facebook for a package. So call me out if I am reading into something but she has a problemw with me and I believe she did that on porpose to dig at me.

My son said she is rude and my friend commented that my son is only saying what I am thinking. I don't know where I will do from now on as far as contact with Izzy. I am thinking cards for holidays and birthdays but no gifts. I think I will keep my contact on facebook limited but I refuse to delete her. I don't think I could bring myself to do that.

I am still a birthmother that went years of not knowing if my child was alive or not and I can't go back to that.

Still no word on the gift. It's bothering more than I would like it to. Plus, my youngest son has deleted Izzy off of his facebook. He doesn't always communicate in a proper way and againsnt my best judgement I gave him his password.. he was doing a lot of page stalking and trying to talk to Izzy to which he never got a reply. She did contact me about him being on facebook all the time and said yea.. he is on there too much.

I tried telling my son that one has to give time for people to respond before contactng them again.. So his choice was to delete her. I just noticed this and when I asked him about it. He says I can send the friend request and take it away. She is rude. Sorry.. Stephen.. it's looking like she is rude.