A year in review

One year ago, I met my daughter for the first time. She brought her boyfriend for support and I brought my little sister for support. We shared on first meal together. Well, not the first, I did feed her when she was born but you all know what I mean. I don't remember what I ate but I do remember eating soup and spilling it on myself. Her boyfriend just looked at me and laughed and said, "well we now know where you get that from" I guess Izzy spills on herself a lot too and spilled ranch on herself. We had a really good time talking and in a lot of ways it just felt natural.
I had seen pictures of her online but never could I have prepared myself for how beautiful my daughter is and how much love that I feel for her.

Reunion doesn't cure all that goes into adoption loss. The reason I got into volunteering for MELD was because I needed something to do with my time to take my focus off my daughter. I had to accept the reunion at her pace even though I wanted to speed it up.

It took almost a whole year of communication through facebook before she was ready to meet. It's an experience beyond words that I can even put to words. It was a slow process and at times I would get discouraged and wasn't sure if I would see her again. I had to keep reminding myself at her pace and to think of her age. I be honest and admit there were some dark days where I wanted to just walk away. Some days where I wished I could stop loving her. I had days where I thought my daughter could either take or leave me. Just for the record my dark days were before meeting her and after meeting. It wasn't nothing she did or didn't do but meeting up wasn't as big as a need for her than me.

I am glad that I had support from blogging and support from a couple friends not to mention my little sister who met Izzy and came bowling with us when all my kids met at the bowling alley for the first time. Also, so glad that I have stayed with volunteering for MELD cause it gives me an outlet for feeling like I am doing something to make a difference in a young family's life.

It took almost another full year before my daughter met me without her boyfriend joining us. We never discuss if he is coming or not so it was a little surprise when we met without him. It was great though cause we went to the place he waits tables at and he was our waiter. So, it was just us two but she had the comfort of him being close by. I don't know for a fact if he came along to help her for more at ease or it's cause they are connected at the hip. It's not something we have really talked about. She has been with him for three years now and I think someday they will get married.

My daughter has seen both my sons a couple times and I wish it to be more but it's hard to get together when mostly we have to hang out having meals or doing things. I don't think we are at a point where one could just go visit at each other's house.

So far, my daughter has met my husband, step daughter and her boyfriend and their daughter. (my granddaughter) those meetings were not planned. She just happened to be here when she dropped my son off cause she took him to six flags to use his free ticket he earned. My Dad has expressed interest in meeting her and my daughter said she was willing but I don't think it's cause she wants to do it. I have made the decision not to bring anyone else into the reunion process with my daughter unless she requests it. I am okay with my daughter getting closer to her brothers, my sister (which is an aunt to her) I just don't want to do anything to scare her away and mostly I just want to concentrate on our relationship with each other.

Mostly this decision is based on only wanting to focus on getting to know each other but there is a part of me that just isn't ready to share her with people who are not comfortable admitting she exists or can't remember her name. One day, my Dad says she is his granddaughter but when he does the count he doesn't count her. Mostly, he can't remember her name. There is a part of me that understands not counting her before reunion and before her pictures are up on my wall but afterwards I just don't get it.

I made a comment on FB about the year anniversary and I admit that I worry what if it upsets Izzy for calling attention to the fact that I am her birthmom. I told link the status to her page but I did use her name. She took it well and said it was nice.

I am happy to report that we have plans soon but don't want to give the date away just in case someone in real life reads and suddenly has a health crisis or something to keep her away. That's the paranoid side of me fearing she will be taken away from me and isn't based on anything someone's did or done,

I hope if my daughter would ever to see this that she wouldn't get upset with me sharing my story. I hope it can give insight and hope to others. If I could paint a perfect reunion story I might paint it a bit different but it's not in my time. I have to let her set the pace and I can do that for her.

Almost one year ago.....

On Monday, will be one year since I met Izzy face to face for the first time since she went home with her parents. If I take the time to think hard I can tell you how many times I seen her but it would take some thought and for that I am grateful for. Meaning, that it's getting to be enough that I know it's more than one or two. I will probably blog more in detail about the one year anniversary but it's late and I should call it a night. Even though, I keep most of my reunion in my private blog, I wanted to say a quick thank you for all those that have been with me during this journey of finding my daughter, making contact and reunion.

Thank you for using Picture and Video Messaging by U.S. Cellular. See www.uscellular.com for info. Through my company, I have a client in a retirement home and they put on a party and they all got to vote on a scarecrow. I put up two pictures of my favorite ones. It was a fun but busy day. Then, with my other client, we baked an apple pie from fresh. I have never made a pie and when someone has memory issues you never know to quite trust them or not. However, I have found that even with the memory issues they do teach me stuff. We didn't eat any of the pie. So, if she offers me a slice of it. I might have to take back that statement of her teaching me. I am not much of a baker. I can make homemade cookies. I made a homemade texas sheet cake for a client once. I can do cupcakes and cakes from a box. One thing that doesn't like me is rising dough as in crust for a pie.

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Work meeting

My company does meetings quarterly. I went to the meeting tonight. They announced some great news. In a matter of weeks, they went from having 900 client hours to fill to 1800 to fill and they were so proud that the caregivers pulled it. I know some really have been working tons of hours. The plan is hire more people. I hope they continue to have success. I felt compelled to talk about MELD cause they try to do donations for the community. So, they agreed to look into asking the director of MELD to come speak at our next staff meeting to get a fundraiser going for them. My boss even knew who she is. So, good news all around with my company. Sometimes, I love my job and other days I hate it. But I suppose most people have their good and bad days.

My husband and I were talking about my oldest sons request for a laptop for Christmas and how it's more than we can afford to spend. I mentioned that I have five children to buy gifts for. I say, I, cause my husband isn't into gift giving at holidays. He is more the kind of guy that just picks up something when he feels like it. Well, anyways, my husband said the only person that I have to buy for is my two sons. So, he is excluding Izzy and my step kids (his own kids) I am pretty sure he is saying this more cause the other three are grown compared to two being step children and one being a daughter that I have reunited with. For me it's not that simple. I don't know if I can ever let a Christmas go by without buying Izzy gifts cause gift giving was taken away from me so long ago. I think I get more pleasure in it than she does. The fact that I am her Mom doesn't come into play when it comes to gift giving. The only thing that I do have to consider is that she does have parents that I am sure buys her things and she is an adult and can make choices on how to spend her money. So, while it may not be even compared to dollars but my daughter is my daughter and she gets gifts. Again, probably more for me. I have so much fun. It will be my third Christmas since I had the option. As far as my step kids are concerned.... I love buying them a little something too. Especially if I think I can hit what I think they might like on the nose. Sometimes, I feel like my husband is cheap and would rather I not buy people gifts but oh well. Got to love him though.

Volunteering

I am still volunteering for MELD. I don't know why I punish myself so badly. Lately, even though we have three to six volunteers we still get one or two children that just scream and scream. However, before all the kids came it was just me and two other ladies and one about the same age as me asked me how or why I got involved with MELD. I told her that I had a child young and my Mom basically forced adoption on me and I found my daughter on facebook and I needed something to take my mind off her. I said, I was so focused on her and I had to let her take her pace with things and thought MELD would be good cause I always believed that people should help young parents so it was time I did it. I told her how it's been very slow. It took almost a complete year to meet her in person and then almost another year to actually have dinner with her alone. It was nice to share my story but I do kind of think that I need a break from MELD. It's not fun anymore. It's crying and crying and it was my anniversary and nothing was fun about it. There is screaming going on at home and then I go into screaming. I feel stressed with everything.

My husband sent me this news story. You can read about it here. It's worth reading it. I feel like it's about time. My husband says "what about what's in the best interest of the child?" It's about time that line doesn't work. If a rich person were to take my child could they use that same line? I feel bad for the adoptive parents as it states that they didn't believe to know that the adoption was fishy. I feel bad for the child and it's sad it has ever happened, but she belongs with her family. I say it's about time a judge orders the child returned when it's proven that the adoption was done illegally. I hope it sends a news flash that says Stop stealing children. They are not dogs that you can steal of the street and pawn them off as needing homes and charge a nice finders fee.

In-home care compared to pricey retirement homes

This has been a hard question to answer cause when it comes to choosing between the two a lot is at stake and there isn't an easy answer to this question to compare the two options.

I want to think about quality of life. I think both options have some major pros and cons to them both.

If a person were to stay in their own home... they are right where their memories of a lifetime might be. Most of the elderly that I have came in contact have really spacious houses and even those that have downsized seem pretty spacious to me. If they are in their home then they can have a cat or a dog and having a pet has been proven to help lower blood pressure. It's been proven to lower the risk of depression. It may also keep someone fit if they need to walk the dog. They have a full kitchen and can take part in what is being cooked. They can assist in the housework and help the caregivers learn how they like things done and how to do this or that. I have learned that most are still set in wanting towels folded their way even though maybe they can no longer do all the work.
In their own home.. the family and the person can decide how many hours they would like a caregiver come to their house. They can select as a little as 2 hour shifts or longer. They might choose to have help come in a few times a week or daily. They can add or reduce the hours as they see fit. However, with my company once the caregiver gets her assignments the client can't out of the blue so I don't feel like having Sally come over today. So, cancel the service for the day just cause they don't feel like it will result in them being charged for the service anyways. Unless, it was a medical thing then that is different.

Caregivers are limited to what they can and should be doing. Families shouldn't just think we hired a caregiver now all Mom's and Dad's needs are taken care of. Most companies will provide light housekeeping but we are not deep cleaning maids. We will not be out there mowing the lawn and pulling weeds. We won't be shoveling the driveway unless it's maybe to clear a walk to make it safe for those coming and going. If the caregiver is willing you might get some that will go beyond what they are told are the job requirements and help Mom pull weeds or plant a flower or two. I personally will do a little bit of that if my client is trying to do it too. then, it's interactive caregiving.

Caregivers can suggest Mom or Dad write check for this bill or that but if their minds just don't work like it used too and they insist that they paid it already or they don't need that magazine that they been getting then it's out of our hands. We can't write the checks for them and can't make them do it. We can notify our office if we think stuff isn't getting done.

In the retirement homes a lot of the stuff as in housekeeping and cooking is going to be done without them having a say in it. They get menus and have an alternative if they don't like what is being served. They do get the choice of sitting with other residents to enjoy their meals. I was sitting with my client until the family member decided it was best if she didn't have a caregiver with her for lunch. One little old lady said I would give anything just to bake one more cake again.

They don't have kitchens in their rooms so cooking is out of the question. Most of the residents living quarters is about the size of my living room plus bathroom and tiny kitchen with a sink. Not all the residents even get a refrigerator/freezer in their room.

I think some good points for the pricey retirement homes is that they do seem to have a lot of events going on for the residents. I can only speak for the one that I have been working at through my company. The residents get a monthly calender showing them what events are going on and where in the center it is. I have seen some pretty awesome stuff keep life fun for the residents. Also, this home is a Christian home so it meets the needs of people who want to have a place where they feel they can worship God and be around others who believe the same thing.

I think the homes might be a little better at keeping the elderly occupied with something to do cause they have more resources and idea on what to put on. Almost everything they do is free to the residents except rides to places and in my job sometimes finding things to do outside of the home that don't cost can be a challenge. The client has to pay for us if we go out to eat or do something that costs and at times for me that makes it hard for me to really be assertive and say let's go get a movie and dinner. I feel like they might think that I am taking advantage of them.

I have on a few occasions brought a movie and once I even paid to order us a pizza. So, it can be done it's just not as easy.

I think most homes probably have a big bus and people can sign up to go to outings like Walmart and other stores but it's always going to be on their time and their destination that was already picked. Most pricey homes will have almost everything that you can think of wanting or needing. Women go to the beauty salon and get hair and nails done without ever leaving the campus.

I do think that sometimes people may begin to feel like the walls on closing in on them. My client when I have taken her out of the home as acted like it was Christmas morning. She was just so happy to get out that she actually cried.

With all that being said.. I think the best place for most people is in their own homes if all possible. If your exploring your options ask lots of questions and communicate with your old person and with the caregiver and tell them what your old person likes to do and not to do cause the more informed they are the better they can be at taking care of them and making life worth living. And if in come care is the route you go be prepared for it to take some time. Don't expect for even an experienced caregiver to come and start making Mom and Dad do this and that cause it takes time to build that relationship before results can happen.

Just for the record. These are my thoughts and feelings and has nothing to do with my company's thoughts.

What adoptive children wish their parents knew

First, I read this book because even though I am not an adoptive Mom but since I am a birthmother and in reunion I thought it might be insightful. It's written by Sherrie Eldridge. I am going to write the chapters of this book as in what the kids want the parents to know and then another day I might explain more about where the book hit home with me as in I am like I really agree with that. As in you can say that again.

1. Hidden losses.
2. Entering Your child's world.
3. I suffered a Profound loss Before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
4. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from Adoption loss, of which I need not be Ashamed.
5. If I don't Grieve my Loss. My ability to Receive Love From you and others will be Hindered. 
6. My unresolved Grief may Surface in Anger toward You.
7. I need your help in Grieving My Loss. Teach me how to get in Touch with My feelings About my Adoption and Then Validate Them.
8. I want you to take the Initiative in Opening Conversations About my Birth Family.
9. I need to Know the Truth About My conception, Birth, and Family History. No Matter how Painful the Details may BE.
11, I am afraid I was "Given Away" by my birthmother Because I was a bad baby. I need You to help me Dump my Shame. 12.I am afraid You will Abandom Me. 13.I may appear More Whole than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden So I can Intergrate All of my elements of my Identity 14. I need to gain a sense of Personal Power. 15.Please Don't Say I look or Act Just like you. I need you to acknowlege and Celebrate our differences. 16. Let me Be my Own Person. But don't Let me Cut myself off From you. 17.Please Respect My Privacy Regarding My Adoption. Don't tell other People Without my consent. 18.Birthdays May Be Difficult for Me. 19.Not Knowing my Full Medical History can be Distressing at times. 20. I am afraid I will be too much for You to handle. 21. When I act out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways. Please Hang in There with me and respond Wisely. . I am sorry this isn't coming out the way I planned but lately blogger hasn't been working quite right.

My beautiful kitty who is very picky when it comes to her food and loves to cuddle.

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I had this question the other day and I been really trying my best answer to it cause deciding between in home care and a retirement home shouldn't be taken lightly. Based on your experience I am curious what your thoughts are about in home vs. pricey assisted living care. For the record, I have been doing in-home care for almost five years and within the same company did live-in care for two and half years. That is going in for 24 hour shifts. I started with one day a week and ended up working three days per week. I do not work for an retirement home but my company has been hired by residents to take care of needs and wants that the retirement homes didn't meet. My live in client lived in what I would consider a pricey retirement center but they had their own cottage/condo that they lived in. I have been too a few places where the people would be in rehab and wanted the security of knowing someone was near by. That was the case with a blind person. I don't want to name names but the place that I have been sent to for the past two months has been the most that I have spent in a retirement home taking care of a client that is a resident of the home. That client is considered living independent and is kind of in between staying where she is and possibly needing more care. It's mostly so that she has someone to answer to and someone to say suggest things that are good for her and make sure she is safe in the part of the day where her pain level is the worst. . This hasn't been an easy question cause my job depends on mostly in home care so naturally... I want to say in home care is the only way to go. I am into job security. I think with both options you really have to weigh the pro's and the con's and go from there. As for cost... I believe in home care is more expensive especially thru an agency. Not only do you pay the agency of course they have to pay for their bills and stuff. However, I think from what little I understand from the pricy homes is that they charge you a huge fee upfront and I think my client's rent for one month matches my mortgage payment on my two bedroom house for 3 or 4 months. I am giving somewhat generic answers to avoid the risk of giving details too personal out. My client has told me that if she were to run out of money that she could continue to live there. Enough about money. Let's move on. Retirement Center's have the advantage of taking care of medical needs where in home aids can't see to medical stuff. Although, not all retirement homes will keep you once your needs become to high as in round the clock nursing care. Each situation has rules that one might not agree with or understand. My client in the retirement home has to leave her her to get her medications and was being forced to be fully dressed. Now, with the help of my company and a family member that works there she can put on a robe to get the medications. In home caregivers can remind you to take medication. We can open pill boxes and bottles but we can't dispense the medication. The elderly or hopefully family have to arrange the medications so we can do this. If a client is on hospice my company can send caregivers but when the patients are so ill and out it that they need paid medications put into their mouth then it's not something we are able to do. In home caregivers depending maybe on companies will have limitations on things that they could do for the person and some of it you or I might not agree with but we have to try to balance taking care of the persons daily needs without crossing the line of doing something that we know we are not suppose to do. This has gotten really long and I want to touch base more on the quality of life but I don't like my posts to be too long or I am afraid people might get bored. So, in another day or so..I will finish answering your question.

Christmas already?

My oldest son is telling me he wants a laptop for Christmas? Is he crazy? I have five children to buy Christmas if I count my step children and why shouldn't I count them? Plus, I have my grand daughter that I want to buy a gift or two for. I think requests like a laptop just spoil the joy in Christmas. I remember when the boys were little and they would ask Santa for something like a cop or or a train. I remember hunting down the perfect cop car or train and miss how easy it was to please them with gifts. It got me thinking about my volunteering for MELD and makes me want to repeat what I did last year and get gifts for the children. However, I want to do it more on my own and ask the Mom's that I see to write their children's names down and ages and go from there. If anyone feels like they want to help this year please don't let me stop you. However, I am thinking of a smaller scale of funds being available because I can't afford to spend a whole bunch myself. But for me personally, I would rather spend some of my cash for MELD's children that spend all of my Christmas funds on my teenager. It doesn't mean that I don't love him or wish I had money coming out my ears but that's not my reality.

Ads

My husband is so proud of the fact that I have so many followers and wanted me to put ads on my blog. He has been bugging me to do for a while now so I just told him to do it. I hope they don't get in the way of my writings. I couldn't resist him any longer cause he used to not understand my need to blog and gave me a hard time but then he was a drunk so I guess I have to forgive him.

I been with my new client for two months now. She lives in a Christian Retirement home and it's changing my thoughts a little bit on in home care compared to retirement homes and nursing homes. But I have to keep in mind that this is a very expensive one so not all of them are the same.
It took some getting used to working full time but it's what I have to do to make ends meet. Sitting without gas or electric or losing my home isn't an option for me.
They are always putting on events for the residents and my client enjoys music and so we go. Today, they played a bunch of videos and ended it with Christian videos. The video below I thought was just amazing. I have always loved Christian music but I go back and forth with it. Sometimes, it's uplifting and sometimes it seems to be a downer. So, at times.. it can lift my spirits and at times it can make me cry if I am already sad.
As the video was playing I just got an overwhelming feeling of just loving my job. I love that I get to experience so much and I get to be a part of keeping the elderly living an active life. She is always telling me they sure don't let me act my age. Basically, they make me walk. They make me stay busy. It can be sad when one moment... someone is telling you why don't the Lord just take me today and a couple hours later... the same person is saying I would like to live two more years to see the chapel built.  I haven't felt pride in my job in a long time. I wanted out but didn't know what else to do. It's been a long time since I felt like I am doing what I am meant to do. Yes, I am going to shed tears. Yes, I am going to have bad days where my clients don't want to take my advice but I do have a worth while job even though I am underpaid.
It's kind of funny that my views on religion bounce all over the place but in most of my dealing of my day to day life is in a church or church setting. But not sure where I am going with it and all of this. I just know that I loved the video. 

Dear Todd (birthfather)

I had a dream about you. I don't know how we came to find each other but I was able to talk to you. I asked why you left me so long ago? I told you that you were the love of my life. I am confused on why I would say that cause honestly my second husband is the love of my life. I did love you once and you walked away. You also walked away from our daughter.
Maybe, I dreamed of you cause I had dinner with Izzy the other night. She is beautiful and fun to be with. I know I don't know her really well, but when I am with her I feel like I have known her for years. I guess the dream could have sparked from seeing Izzy and wondering what could have been if I would been able to raise her. I hope someday I can give Izzy the other half of her dna to know where she came from. I have searched and ran out of ideas so it's up to you Todd to find her and that would be most likely by finding me. It shouldn't be too hard if you try. I still live in the same town. My name is changed but that's not too hard if you know how to search. I  have an FB account with the last name that you knew me from way back then. I have had several of my sister's old friend's friend me so just maybe you will find me that way. Hope your safe and happy and just maybe someday you will see Izzy for the first time.

My most recent books that I have read

Let's Roll by Lisa Beamer. I seen this at the church rummage sale and I just had to get it. I read it very fast and it was very much a tear jerker. For those who don't know about this book Lisa if the wife of one of the passengers that was on Flight 93 and helped attack the terrorists so that the plane wouldn't crash into Capital building. It was the only plane that went down and didn't take other innocent lives with it.

Mommy told me not to tell by Cathy Glass is a story of a young boy who's Mom kept having children for them to be taken away from them. All the children looked very much alike and had learning problems. She did have one child that looked very different and escaped the learning problems and she rejected that baby at birth.  It turns out that the children were fathered by her father except for the one she rejected.

Cathy Glass is a Foster Mom and this is her second book that I have read. She sure does give me an idea of the horrors that children have been through and it's very sad. The ending of this book was a very nice one but just any case anyone wants to grab a copy of this book I won't spoil the end. 

My confession

When I got to my retreat I met a couple of other Mom's that had been to the retreat before and I didn't feel right. I felt like the 3rd wheel. Then, I met the other two Mom's who like had never been there before. So, I hung out with them most of the time. I did have two short conversations with the other Mom from the other group.  I am going to name her Bug for this post.
She friended me on FB and has been bugging me every since. She wanted to hook up on Sunday and since I didn't have kids I thought what the heck. So, we hung out for a couple hours and her husband was there too but mostly he hung out on his own.
Bug is talking to me through FB at every chance she can get. She comments on every post I make on FB. She thinks she has me down. Ugh! I don't mind getting to know someone but is a little too much. Even though, we had just seen each other on Sunday, she wanted me to hang with her on Thursday.
I work two jobs.One 40 hours and one for two and I volunteer for two. More importantly, I have a family and I don't have a lot of spare time. Sure, I spend too much on FB but that's not quite the same as always be gone. I am in between my two clients right now.
Maybe, I am really satisfied with what I have going for me when it comes to friend's. Or, is it something else. This is the same girl that I felt like the oddball and started to cry.

I been overly emotional this last week. My job just drains me. It's all emotional stuff. Some of it is just amazing. I just came from a Christian concert with a pianst and a guy that was singing like Opra. Spirtial music always makes me sad. I don't know why.

Back to Bug. I hate it that she seems to think she knows me. I hate it that she is all over everything I say. I worship the ground my daugher walks on and I am not all over her stuff as much as Bug is on me. I could use some breathing room.

Any suggestions on how to get Bug to back off a little?? Please!!

MELD

I had a couple weeks off of volunteering for MELD due to stuff happening. My sister can't volunteer on a regular basis anymore cause of a new job that won't work around volunteering. I personally don't know if I would take a job that couldn't be flexible but I understand her desire to find a new job and hope it all goes well for her. I hope she can drop in from time to time cause I love spending time with her.

We had 8 children and one slept the whole time in the second room. I think it's called the baby room. We have a new older child that can talk but is really needy and cries but is easily comforted and is always asking "where is my Mommy" or "where is his/her Mommy" She is a doll.

We still have one baby that just cries and cries but this week he did drink a whole bottle from me and went to sleep when I went into the baby room. I couldn't do that until I got the driver to come back because only two of the five people they recruited to volunteer showed up. Lesson: if you commit to volunteer be there. I have had such bad turn outs that my husband wonders if I could get a job there.

The two women who got kind of cocky about how they could make the cry baby quit crying seemed to not even want to try to take him from me so I think they learned their lesson that they weren't better than me or my sister but he was liking us better cause he knew us and not them.

It did seem like almost every baby was crying and one of the volunteers was scared of the children going poop or pee. She said she didn't know how to help. I find it weird cause she isn't super young, but I really don't know much about her.

When we were all leaving.. one said I can't say this was fun cause nothing I did worked and kind of asked themselves why they got themselves into this? I don't think wrongly for them thinking or saying this cause sometimes I feel that way too. Why do I keep punishing myself with all this crying? But then I think of how I have been the constant adult in the nursery for MELD and I can't just walk away. It's just not me. 

On Friday, I will be spending ten bucks at the dollar store for baby items for new followers. It will be fun to go shopping.

what kinds of books do you like to read

Do you think the type of books people read have anything to do with their personality? My coworker seen the book I was reading and it's basically about abuse but from reading the front and back it's one of the those feel good stories where the person abused doesn't let it consume her life. I am not all that far into the book.
I was reading a part where the parents were splitting and two kids went to live with the Dad and one went with his Mom. It made me tear up and I don't have a clue on why it effected me the way it did.

Well, anyways, I was talking to this coworker, I have a habit of running my mouth and getting home late. I told her I am drawn to reading sad books but I enjoy them better if things turn out happy in the end. She told me her sister likes to read the saddest books you can find as in everyone dying. Her words not mine.

I told her that I wonder if the people that crave to read sad stories are hurting on the inside but they put on a happy face and need to read or see something sad to allow the emotions to flow to cry. So, basically, your not really crying cause of a sad thing in the book but the sad thing in the book triggered the emotions that are held inside of you.

She told me she wonders if that is what her sister is doing. She is always acting super happy but did have an eating disorder and came hours within dying.

So, she asked me if the happy personality is a fake and you don't really know the real person. I said, I believe in certain cases and people that yes, I can put on a happy face and but inside I am fuming. But I couldn't say anything about her sister cause I don't know her.

I already found my next sad book. It was at the church that I babysit for for a donation. It's called Let's roll. So, what kind of books do you like to read? I mentioned that I do like the sad books but they have to tell a story and show emotions. I don't like a book that maybe about abuse or murder and it's just about of facts of dates or numbers ect. 

Thankful

• That my job is going well for the moment.
• My husband is the best husband ever. 
• I have a total of five children including two daughters. 
• I am meeting Izzy for dinner next week. 
• my house.
• Good friends.
• my fellow bloggers.
• My granddaughter.
• My oldest son is in his new school and actually attends.
• My youngest son is doing fairly well considering his learning disabilities.
• Beautiful fall.
• Ice cream.
• Date night with my husband.
• My pets.
• My relationship with my daughter.
• My Dad (even though he can be a pest lol)
• My relationship with my little sister.
• My car (time for work so see ya all later)

Wrap up from my reteat

Like I mentioned the retreat seemed centered in some ways about religion. It was in a Catholic building after all. The two girls I hung out with seemed to be strong in their faith and almost anyone who opened their mouth had something to say about God and all.
Well, I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but I just am not there with the God thing. Church does sometimes make life easier and I can't explain that one. I kind of think people with religion are fake. They pretend to be your friend but if you don't share their beliefs they will drop you. Both women have contacted me on FB and who knows if we will really have a friendship outside of our awesome weekend.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for a lot of things but I don't always think to credit God. Right now, I am working full time and in my company it means if business is going good then people are doing poorly. So, I don't believe God would sacrifice the elderly's well being for mine. I suppose we could look at it in a way that God provided for the elderly to afford the care but for every old person who can afford the care there is another one who can't afford the care. I just don't believe God is up in heaven playing Any Miney Moe your going to be poor and be alone.  I don't get into God's plan and free will. I admit that God's plan thing has helped me through some dark days but which is it God's plan or my free will? And if my life has been God's plan then could he stop writing birthmom stories? Could be stop making stories of couples that can't bring children into this world? Can he stop taking newborn babies away from their Mom's.  No offense to anyone.

I thought while I am wrapping it up, I would blog about the gifts that I received. It was better than Christmas morning! Just kidding. We all received a beautiful homemade start. We all had body soap, body spray and body lotion on our beds. The other gifts varied from person to person. I think the majority of us got products from Avon. It's so much cremes and such that I don't know what to do with. It's some expensive stuff and honestly I am afraid to use it cause I could never justify buying it. Hello.. I am a Mom. But it was nice of Avon to donate the stuff. I have yet to try it though.

I also received 4 tickets to the zoo in Chicago.   They expire at the end of this year so we will have to go before they do. In the same gift bag was 50.00 worth of movie money. I am very grateful for the gifts and it was really sweet of them to go all out like that for us Mom's.

Like I mentioned, I did talk about my daughter. It felt good to kind of lay that on the table just in case I do remain in contact with anyone that I don't feel like I am living a lie. No one tried to talk to me about it though and that's okay. 

A few pictures from the horse ranch.

The picture is of me and the two Mom's that I hung out with most of the weekend.

Saturday during the retreat

Saturday was pretty busy with a day full of events for us. They had breakfast at 8 am and arts and crafts that we could do or not do. I learned that I am horrible at making jewelry. Friday night, we signed up for facials, manicures, pedicures and the massages. Also, we were able to sign up to go on the horse ranch.
My day was 10:30 for a manicure which didn't happen cause the lady was late.
11:00 am was my 30 minute massage. It was very cool but not something that I would pay money to get on my own.
1pm to 4 pm a handful of Mom's went to the horse ranch including the Mom's that I been hanging with. There was a total of 8 of of us. This was a God loving thing which I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. Two out of three of the horse people openly talked about their faith in God and praying. They happened to be Mother and Daughter. You could just feel their passion for their beliefs in God.
The first exercise was two horses came out and we were to watch them and think about how they relate to people. Basically watch their body language. I didn't quite see people in them but when the one layed on the ground and did the wiggles I did think of my dog.
The next thing is in the horse barn we had to try to get two horses over an obstacle. We couldn't talk or lead the horse or bribe it.  It didn't go too well.
The third thing was just emotionally draining for everyone. I don't think there was a dry eye in the group. We separated into groups of four Mom's and each group has one ranch person but in the middle of the two groups were the person keeping time.
We had to start with if you really knew me and talk about two minutes. I don't think any Mom got through their two minutes without crying. I felt like "the if you really knew me thing" just forced out my story about adoption and reunion and self esteem and how sometimes I feel like I am a bad Mom cause my child has special needs and Izzy is doing so well. I even made the rancher who stayed pretty quiet cry.
After that episode and talking..   we all went back in the barn and there were cones set up and one person would be blind folded and then there would be four of us to direct the person blind folded to get around the cones while guiding the horses.
My description of this horse ranch thing didn't really give it justice. It was very much centered around how horses communicate non verbally and kind of gave us insight on how children with speech problems might feel and when we couldn't talk too.
Like I mentioned.. it was very centered on God and praying and Jesus Christ. blah blah.. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but as much as I have wanted to get a strong belief in God and the power of praying I just can't get it. I haven't been to church in a while and I been thinking of going again cause whether I admit it or not my anxiety level seems higher without it but also it revolves around how much exercise I get too. Also, sometimes it just seemed like good things happened to us when I went to church.
Honestly, though, every time in my whole life when I or someone else pushed me to get more involved in church as in a class I lose interest in it all together. It seems like when people think you have the same beliefs then they are your friends and love you. Blah blah but if you stop or don't go to church then they drop you like flies.
While, I am honest, if I am in church and I am not really convinced of it all... then am I not just going through the motions of it all?
While, I am still honest about it. Some Christian songs can be uplifting but some can be down right putting yourself down. I would have to go to church and write down some of the lyrics and if I really told myself that shit everyday I would think I was nothing.
The two women I connected with was also seemed to be very strong in their beliefs of God. We really did feel like we bonded and really shared laughs, tears and just had a great time. The question is will we really stay in touch. Is having special needs child and spending a weekend together really enough to make us remain friends. They don't live near me so distance is a little bit of a an issue.

We were showered with gifts all weekend long. But I will save that for another post. 

Birthmom's are not Bm's or poop or shit or whatever else bodily fuction thing you can come up with

Why do adoptive parents insist on using the term "bm" for birthmother? Do they not know that bm means poop, shit, crap, dump or whatever else people tend to use for when they go number two? I know that the majority don't use this term but some do. It shows so little disrespect for the person who chose you to be a parent for their child. I know birthmother, birthmom, first mom or natural mom or what ever other word could be used to describe a woman who chose to bring a child into the world and break her own heart to give that child to people who would become Mom and Dad. So, quit being lazy or ignorant and take another few seconds to spell out the word better.

Your all gonna get tired about hearing about my retreat but oh well. We had pizza for dinner and it was announced that they had raised enough money to give 12 people massages and they drew names and mine was the first one drawn.  I thought that was pretty exciting.
So, not only was there cherry body wash, cherry lotion and cherry body spray on my bed but I was getting a free massage the next day. I had couple of women that I clicked with who happen to have kids on the spectrum of Autism but at different ages and stages of the game of life. My son is the oldest and has beat the odds that were stacked against him that he wouldn't talk. We were are no longer using signs and PECS to communicate with him. But we got each other. There children remind me of how far we have come and I hope that my son's ability gives them hope for better days. Not that there kids don't bring them joy but the fact that my son had some of the very same struggles and is better in most of those areas now. I think the hardest part of autism is that it is such a wide spectrum and not one child is the same.

About 10 30 or so... we put in a movie but none of us made it till the end of it. We all just basically got too tired and went to bed. At first, I had a hard time sleeping cause some of the rowdy Mom's were still up having a good time but I did take a sleeping pill so that helped. So, actually I slept very well considering it wasn't my bed and I wasn't in the same room with my husband. 

more on my retreat

I am sorry that I am going to break this down in several posts but I don't like to write a book and I believe if it's too long people may get bored. As soon as I got there, I got hit with the question how many children do you have? and of course what child has the disability? So, I said I have 3 children. A girl 20, a boy 16 and a boy 11 who is on the autism spectrum.  So, then I get hit with the question do the older children help with my youngest child. I basically said yes and felt like a fraud.
Then, after my cry, I met two women who I would spend the most of my time with. We all sat down and had to go around the room with our pictures and talk about how child and what they have taught us.  I just felt like I had to share the whole truth. A quick version of it.
I told them how my son is on the autism spectrum and how that his needs taught me to be more independent cause I had to force myself to learn how to drive to get my son to his therapy's on time. Then, I said my son has taught us to think outside the box. We have to deal with struggle after struggle and we are always brain storming ways to help him. I held up the picture with all three of my children and shared how I am reunited with my daughter that was placed for adoption and how the picture was my children's first meeting.

All of our children went up on a board and just hearing all the stories of the special needs children made me feel not so alone. I also felt very lucky cause there were a couple Mom's who had children who were living beyond their life expectancy for their condition.

These are most of the children but their were some Mom's who forgot the pictures.

Mom's retreat part one

I get there and they have the read carpet theme going cause the Theme of the weekend was Stars! They have a few men to carry our bags up to our room. I met a couple Mom's who knew each other and a third Mom comes up that knew them. I was feeling out of place and went to my room to unpack. I was feeling so sad and then I found a letter from my husband and started to cry. It's funny now to think about it but for a brief moment or two I really felt alone.

I know this may sound strange but it wasn't my kids that I was having a hard time being away from. It was my husband. I am used to being away from my kids. Hello. Adoption. Hello Divorce makes me share kids. But in all the years I been with my second husband, I have never been out on my own like that.

It's been a lot to process and am I am just going to leave you with just the beginning of my weekend.