Thursday, September 23, 2010

response to a comment.

A comment left on my blog.

Are we forgetting the dads? Dads are almost always at a disadvantage in about all things domestic. Courts, adoptions, society in general tend to overlook the importance of the father and partner in kids upbringing. Even people that seem to know that, tend to forget. Even this letter fails to mention dads. The bias towards young dads is very real. Dads are ignored or, in some cases, actively written out of their children's lives. For example, moms looking for adoption for their child, alot of times, just say that they don't know who the dad is. Simpler that way.(Come on, we know that they are pretty sure who is the dad) And we wonder why dads don't stand up. Boys learn from their moms and others that they are not the primary caregiver. Sperm donor and paycheck. I am glad that my mom taught me that men and women are equal and share the same joys and heartbreaks and responsibilities together. Society forgets this. I have been a dad for 25 years and have felt and experienced this bias and it is very hard to overcome. Men that take care of children are treated funny and older men that take an interest in kids are initialy thought of as perverts. (Don't get me started on the old white guy talking to black children) Ah well, it is better than it used to be.

I just heard on a song that each generation blames the earlier generation for it's faults. I think that is so true. I am guessing that your not a young guy but not super old either. Back in the day, men just didn't take care of children. They worked and the Mother did all the child raising. This was of course before my time, but since I work around people 70 and up that's the stories they tell.

Now both parents have to work and I believe it's starting to shift where Dad's are expected to be taking care of the children. My first husband didn't do this much and I kind of blame myself. I let him get away with it. I think women need to stand there ground and even before the babies are born. Let them know that they will be a Dad. They will earn a paycheck and feed and change the baby. Once you let them get in the habit of letting Mom do all the child raising it's a hard habit to break.

With the fund raising, I am talking about Meld. They can house woman as young as 15 to 23 years of age. Men are not allowed to to live there. It's may not seem fair but it is the way it is. We are not talking about stable young ladies who are on vacation. We are talking about homeless and pregnant and not to say that the Dad's should step away but I personally feel that they need the support to get an education, jobs, and of course parenting classes. They are not allowed to live in the shelter long and I believe there main focus should be on making a start for themselves and their unborn child or children.

The young Dad's are getting support too. They get the parenting classes and also all the resources when it comes to education, job skills and partnering up with local business and parenting classes. I know it's the the best situation but there are homeless shelters for the men if they need it.

I know Dad's do get the rights walked on when it comes to adoption. I am a guilty party. I didn't know any better when I was young. It was easy. Not one single person question my story. It's a regret that I will probably live with forever. I know that you didn't see me mention Dad's on that post but I do think of them. I think of Izzy's biological Dad here and there. I know people don't always want to hear it but there is a connection. You can't forget or remove all feelings from someone that you brought a life into this world. I think of him often enough to wish I knew where he was so that I could personally tell him how sorry that I am. I had no right to take his daughter away from him without his having a say in the matter.

1 comment:

Alex said...

I think its very brave of you to acknowledge your wrong doing in not telling the birth father. But your youth and fear do make it understandable. It wasn't right but unless someone has walked in your shoes we can't judge how you dealt with it.