Thursday, April 30, 2009

lost and confused

Tonight, my husband and I went to our second session of marriage counseling. It's witha Pastor of a church, but I have to admit that I am not all that religious. Before anyone gets mad, because I said that let me explain. I don't go to church, but I believe in God. I can't say for sure that I believe we go to heaven after we die. I can't say I am convinced that we don't go to heaven. I would like to believe my animals are living on in heaven and there is something else. I really don't get into praying. I wasn't raised that way. However, if someone says they pray for me it makes me feel good. Not so much, because God will watch out for me, but that someone cares enough to pray for me. I for sure don't get into praying for myself. I am not about to sit and do nothing and pray that I get a A in my English class. I will either earn the A or B Or C. Please no D or F, but if I get a bad grade it's not God's fault. I don't credit God for the good or the bad in my life.
Pastor Kyle can't help but use his college education and the bible to counsel us. I admit this is a little strange, because I don't read the bible or don't talk about God too much. Why am I going to him, because I am desperate for help. I don't want a second divorce, but I want peace. I don't want to cry anymore. I am afraid that I have so much anger towards my husband that I just don't know how to let go. I can try to take baby steps, but inside I am screaming you fucking jerk! So my frustation is still there. The adoption talks have caused a lot of my pain. I hear suck it up, or the famous Birthparents cause trouble. How in the hell is asking for pictures of the girl that I brought life to really causing trouble. When he uses the words causes trouble it reminds me of the early days without Izzy. The days where the only reason I didn't just curl up and die was because, I didn't want Izzy to learn of me in that way. If those reasons aren't enough to hurt me. I have heard why are you crying.. you don't even know what color eyes she has. Or the famous she could have a baby of her own. Yep that makes me feel much better. A baby young and possibly in my shoes is my worst nightmare.Or there is the I gave my 14 year up like I did with Izzy. I was forced to give Izzy up and I am still my son's Mom. I am not my daughter's Mom. I can't just take her to dinner. I know right where my daughter is and I have to do nothing. Even though I know the two can't be compared, it hurts me so deeply that it reminds me of the days that I just didn't want to live because it hurt so much. I wonder how did I survive, but then again did I really survive? I still have my dark days where the pain is just too much. Crying doesn't help, because I get attacked. I should be more like my husbands ex wife who got proper counseling so adoption loss hasn't affected her. I don't know if he noticed, but I am not his ex wife. I am me!!!
So back to the counseling from the bible stand point. I am all for anyone trying to help me understand what he means with these next few statements.
He says men use logic... Women use emotion. Using the balance of both can make a strong marriage. My question is since my husband admits he has a drinking problem can he still use logic?
He says that men rule the household.. that women should honor their men. I will admit that I said hell I did what my first husband wanted and look where it got me. I really don't want to explain more here. However, he was waiting for me to challenge him and this is where I lost him. I think he said we all are servents of God and that if we both based on lives off the bible my husband thoughts wouldn't be too far off from mine.
He explained it like this.. if he wanted to have a extra martial affair... and since him and his wife both believe and live their lifes by the bible.. she can say that is agaisnt your beliefs and then he will know she is right. But my thing is that I have grown enough as a person to know sex outside of my marriage isn't right. I am committed that the only sex I will have will be with my husband. So I don't feel like I really have to have a strong belief in God to have a strong marriage or do I? I am lost. I am desperate. I complain about my husbands drinking and smoking and I will admit because of the costs, but health good reason to cut back or stop. I don't feel that it's right that he smokes and drinks and we can't pay all our bills. My husband has turned things around on me. Within the last year, I have gained some weight. More than I want to admit. So, now he is saying that I use food as he does drinking. Maybe I do maybe I don't. I know that I am not so much into eating that I shake if I go without or totally unable to do anything.I don't scream until he brings home this so called food that I eat too much of. I have been trying to work out, because he has made me feel bad. I been using my equipment some at home, but mostly going to the Y on top of working and going to school. It doesn't help that I work 72 hours a week. He doesn't understand why I have equipment and a membership. Well I like being around other people and the Y has the hot tub. My husband swears one minute, I am going for just the hot tub and the next that I belong at home. How can he tell me to lose weight and make me feel bad and want me home?
Back to God.. I just can't believe if there is God up in Heaven making decisions on who will die or get hurt or who will get better. I want to ask God.. why did you fly airplanes into the World Trade Center? And on Izzy's birthday of all days? Do you know how often I hear 9/11 which reminds me of the tragic events and my daughter? Is it God's plan to totally make me go crazy.
Also if God is so great then how come after a counseling session with a Pastor, I just wanted to Cry and I did Cry. First, I walked my Dog, because my husband made me feel bad. Then I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and cry, but my husband took it all personal. I think he heard too much that God says that man is in charge. Even though he said he isn't so sure he believes that, but he sure did try to pull rank.
The pastor did tell that there is two kinds of respect. He said my kids should respect him as head of the household and follow what he says, but there is the kind of respect that you have to earn. He said that the kids Dad can be totally horrible and it's still in my son's nature to honor his Father. He went on to say that Women use emotion to try and keep a relationship and men use logic and women expect the men to act grown and help deal with life. I am not sure where I am going with this post other than I am confused. I guess I want someone to tell me that if we don't totally get on the God wagon that we can still learn to have a happy life. My English teacher has mentioned he does marriage counseling for free and he does talk about religion so I am going to try and get the courage to just talk to him. See what advice he can offer me.Maybe if he is saying the same, I can figure this stuff out. I am just plain lost and confused. After all the fighting, I will admit that we had what some people might call make up sex, but I am not so sure we made up. I am still sad, confused and unable to sleep.
Lastly, I just want to say that even though it's hard, but so far I comfortable with the Pastor. It's hard though to open up in front of others. Also, I quoted him the best I could remember here. I can't say there are word for word. Well I got to try to sleep, I have to be up in about 4 hours for my son and then my clients.

1 comment:

Andrew's Daddies said...

Hey there,
I started writing a weekly column called Adoption and A Journey.

I will feature one blog per month (haven't really decided how often yet). And I would love to do a written interview with you as the birth-mom and then feature your blog.
I completely understand, if you would prefer not to do that..or if maybe you will accept the written interview but would prefer not to have people exposed to your blog...I would understand that as well.

Let me know. My email is