Saturday, May 2, 2009

still sad

I am still sad. The other night, after we had our counseling session, I felt really bad, because my husband brought up my weight as one of our problems. Just spilling our guts in front of him is stressful, but to discuss my weight it hurt bad. So, when we got home I just wanted to process my thoughts and cry. I hadn't ate dinner and didn't really want to. I just wanted to sleep. I felt so bad. I told my husband that I was feeling real sad and hungry, but I just want to sleep. So, he mentioned how his skinny ex wife got really thin using meth. That maybe we should get me some meth. His whole reasons he says he wants me to lose some weight is for my health. How in the hell do you tell your wife, while in our bedroom, that meth made your ex wife get really skinny. He had to force her to eat. She would run around like a nut for days and then crash. They lost their house, because she lost her job? How can meth be something you tell your wife to use to lose weight? Can you really love your wife and say maybe we can get you some meth. I want to be nice, because after all we are seeking help, but I am hurt and angry.
Not only did he suggest meth, but his answer to weight loss is to only eat dinner. Also, working out doesn't need to happen. That way I can be home. I don't agree with his weight loss idea. He actually accused me of eating cereal breakfast this week. One I don't think cereal is a crime and two I hadn't been home in the mornings in over a week. I will admit that with working 72 hours a week and going to school part time that I have made some bad choices in the last year. That I have turned to comfort food. Also, that I love cookies, ice cream and stuff. Who doesn't? I admit that I eat more than the serving size. I admit that sometimes I might eat more than the serving size on food in general. However,I don't overeat the way he is making it sound. He makes it sound as if we buy 2 chickens so I can eat one and they can share the others. Or, I eat a gallon of ice cream a day, or I eat a whole pack of cookies. I don't do that.
I have made a huge effort to sqeeze working out into my life. I go to the Y, workout at home, and even do a few litle things at my clients home to make exercise a every day thing. It will keep me from wanting to eat wrong. I have stopped eating lunch and been staying away from the sweets. I believe I am down a few pounds. What I don't feel like is having a husband as the weight loss police. I don't want to be stepping on a scale for my husband and then feel like my husband is seeing weight before he sees anything else.
I am just plain depressed. We can't agree on anything. He gets upset that my ex husband doesn't do enough for Stephen. He has a final event that is a school related activity that is during our next session, so I was going to email the ex, but my husband picked up the phone to call him. He didn't call us back, so he made plans for his son to take him. So, when I dropped Stephen off at his Dad's. His Dad tells me that he would love to take him. I think cool, we can tell step brother that Dad can do it. Nope that's not good enough. He didn't return our call and shouldn't take him. I have to find it in me to just have some peace. I am tired of fighting. But how do I get past the hurtful comments and his inabilty to see where he went wrong. Maybe I should cut him some slack. I have said hurtful things too. I can only play nice so long when I am hurting inside.


RB said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I'll be thinking of you. I pray that things get better soon.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time in life right now but please believe me when I say that you deserve better. The relationship that you are in right now is VERY ABUSIVE and not good / healthy for you or your children in your home right now not to mention your daughter who you hope to meet and have a relationship with. You need to reach out and ask for help because the relationship you are in is not a healthy one at all. Your husband does not care for you or he would not be telling yo to use meth to lose weight. PLEASE understand that it is NOT your fault and you really do deserve BETTER! PLEASE REACH OUT AND ASK FOR HELP.