Thursday, April 2, 2009

My husband asked me for advice on how to deal with a co worker. It's her daughter's 40th birthday. She has been dead for 5 years. My first answer was that I didn't know. Then he pushed me for a answer. I told him Don't tell her you understand her pain. Don't tell her it's not okay to talk? Just be there for her. I tell him maybe just offer a hug. I tell him that I don't have any experience, but I wonder if death is easier to deal with. He thinks I am being rude, because I turn it into death or adoption what's harder. Am I selfish in thinking adoption might be harder? It's not that I want my daughter dead. It's just that death is final. You wouldn't know that they are out there. If won't wonder if they are ok?
I expressed that I have lived a life of lies, because not many people know that I have placed a child for adoption. I have told him that the few that I have told over the years say stupid things and don't really want you to talk about it.
From my husband I here everything others have said. He doesn't agree that my children should have been told. He doesn't want me to talk about it. Maybe I am really wrong here, but when I had a really hard day he made it worse for me. Why should he be nice to the coworker. Just slam the door in her face... like he did me. He just doesn't get it. I cried for hours. The pain doesn't go away. Not once did my husband follow my advice when I had my breakdown of tears last night.
Can you imagine living a life and basically there is something pretty big and your family never brings it up? It's has if my daughter never was born. Oh and by the way, I was informed she isn't my daughter. She is another family's daughter and if for some reason his kids aren't really his he don't want anyone like me coming around. I cried a river of tears. I think it's better if he just keeps his mouth shut to his co worker.

1 comment:

birthmom1986 said...

Well, I made a post a while ago about death being better to deal with than adoption. My mother died and it was in no way harder than losing my daughter to adoption. Everyone always told me to "take it like a death." How in the hell are you supposed to grieve for someone who is still alive?
Your husband will never understand because he has never been through your situation. I admit that he could be a lot more comforting and compassionate. Please keep writing. Your feelings are normal.
The important things that you write about could have been me about five years ago. Everyone not talking about the big elephant in the room.
And since reunion, it remained the same with my mother. She (my daughter) has yet and will probably never meet my sister simply because she wanted me to abort her.
But keep writing.