Wednesday, March 18, 2009

bitching

I believe it's been a year since I got my mind stuck on my daughter. That was when I noticed their names in the phone book. After I seen their names, I had my husband ask my aunt if they would give us a picture. The answer of course came back no. That is what made me decide to write the letter and then the second letter.
My son's 9th birthday reminds me of the very last time that I personally asked my aunt to ask for pictures. If my memory is right, I had just had my son. So, we are talking about 2000 or 2001, so I asked and the answer that I was was this. "they said, we were thinking of moving back to the state, but if she is going to intervere then we won't" That was the last time that I personally asked.
So, I fast forward to the present. I know that Izzy started 7th grade in a school in the next city over. It's a hop and a jump from me. She has spent 7th through 10th at this same district, I was able to confirm that. I can tell my the year book pictures. I am assuming she is a 11th grader now and soon will finish the 11th grade. Next year, she will be a senior in high school. So, I know that out of my son's 9 years on this planet that they have been here for five years.
I wonder at what point did they move back? They moved away, because they didn't want accidental meetings. What I think they were really afraid of is that I would try and steal Izzy back. Now, I am not crazy about jail. (never been there) but more seriously I wouldn't do that to Izzy. So this is my question to them or adoptive parents if you want to give me your thoughts.
How do you go from so scared you run to another state to coming back and putting your names in the same phone book that your child's birth parent will get. Why would they put both their first and last names. This was Kathy White or Jeff White, This was Jeff and Kathy White. Of course, these are fake names. I mean if you are so scared wouldn't you just list one of your names. I would be so less sure of a Jeff White if the Mother's name wasn't there too. Or, do you think that a young girl is too stupid to remember your names?
Shouldn't they still be afraid that I will hunt Izzy down? If I was some nut I could watch outside their house and try to follow her, or I could visit all the local business in her area and try to find her that way. I have done none of that? I could spend every spare mintue I have trying to come face to face with her by hanging out on that side of town looking. However, I choose to spend my spare time with my family, friends and hanging out at home. I go to school. So why no answer to the second letter yet? Are they so stupid that by not answering they thinking they are still hiding from me. I did write them but guess what they are hiding for no reason, because I am not seeking them out. Or, at not in that way.
I guess you can tell that a lot of hurt and anger has surfaced. I just don't get them.

7 comments:

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry this has been so painful for you lately. You asked for adoptive parent's opinions, so I will give mine.

You state in your blog header that this is a "closed" adoption. From your other posts, I gather you know of these people through the relationship they have/had with your aunt. My guess in them not responding to your requests is that legally, they agreed to a closed adoption, and they are expecting you to uphold your end of the agreement as well until your daughter is old enough for her to decide on her own.

I don't think it has anything to do with them being "stupid" or being worried about you "hunting them down." I think that the way the adoption occurred probably wasn't the best (just from what I've read here -- it doesn't sound as if they made sure you would receive counseling before and after placement, among many other things), but they are just doing what was agreed upon and is legally binding.

My wish for my own situation is to have an open adoption, just to avoid the sort of situation you're in now.

I recognize your anger and hurt and can try to sympathize with it, having never been in your shoes, but I also think you place a lot of those negative feelings on the adoptive parents, when it belongs squarely on those around you who had a responsibility to you as a minor to ensure that you were educated to make the best decision, received physical and emotional care, and were supported on an ongoing basis. The blame here isn't to be placed on the adoptive parents -- again, it sounds as if everyone agreed to a closed adoption. Maybe that isn't what you wanted, and if so, I think your anger and hurt should be directed at those who didn't educate you/support you/coerced you, rather than the family who is raising your little girl. Most likely they only know what they were told (again, only knowing your side of the story and not theirs) -- perhaps they were told that you were all for and had received all you needed to make the decision from both an education and emotional perspective.

Just my opinion. I hope this in no way hurts you, it is just another perspective in hopes that you will be able to seek out the healing you need in case you are unable to attain it from the adoptive parents.

birthmom1986 said...

Maybe they thought that you should be over it by now or you should have "forgotten".

Yeah.

Thandi said...

I read someone's blog where both sets of parents had agreed on their own, to make it an open adoption, even though legally it was a closed adoption.Personally, I dont believe the law is always moral, and in those situations, I'd (as an adoptive parent) do the moral and right thing, not the 'legal' one. ie. I'd be caring enough to at least communicate with you and answer your letters, stating my beliefs.Then again, I'd be on here night and day, trying to see things from my adoptive child's point of view, as well as the birthmom's, not hiding from the situation as it SEEMS they're doing. And I'd ask the adopted child again,if she wants to know you yet...And if she says no, I'd let you know that.but that's me, and I don't know what they're thinking.I wish they'd just open up so you KNOW!I'm really sorry for your pain. Extremely sorry. Because of this, I keep wondering, have they really asked her? Does she know her mom wants to meet her? Would it bother her to know? (Only they know her state of mind, and again, I wish they'd enlighten you)

mikeandmichael said...

I preface my comment by stating that this is the first entry I have read. Therefore, I may say something that conflicts with things you may have stated in the past, or I may reiterate something already said.

Oftentimes, adoptive parents are afraid. They are afraid that birth parents are going to appear and take something away from their relationship with their child. They are afraid that birth parents are going to stir up emotions that they are not equipped to handle. It is entirely possible that your daughter has no idea she was adopted. There are many reasons why adoptive parents get scared. These fears are valid just as your anger at the adoptive parents is. I like where Sarah was going with her explanation, but I have a different take. Rather than focus on the "legally binding" agreement that you made, regardless of whether you were educated/counseled properly or not, try to approach this from the angle that they may just be scared. Your daughter’s parents many not know how to handle your presence in their life. You may be the truth to a lie they have been evading.

With that said, I personally feel that it is in the best interest of the adopted child to have some link to their birth family as long as that link is not detrimental to their well-being. You probably know this, though, since you follow my blog!

I wish you the best. I hope the adoptive parents reach out to you as you have to them.

Joy said...

Sometimes my comments don't go through so hoping this one does! I've been following your story for a couple weeks. I really hope you get some sort of response and soon. *HUGS* The wait must be unbearable and I'm sorry you are going through this living nightmare right now. My best wishes are with you!

BB said...

I read all your posts, the day you post. I can't seem to be able to comment very often. It sounds like joy has that same problem.....maybe look into it!?! Not that I am that insightful that you HAVE to hear what I have to say. Hehe!

I'm not an adoptive mom yet, but I came from a place where I completely feared the "brith family." It takes a lot of education and growth to see that not only is that assinine, but it also isn't the best thing for the child.

I think the hardest thing here is that you never talked about communication before hand, so now EVERYTHING is scary.

I do want to point out that reading your story makes me all the more confident in how far I personally have come on the open adoption spectrum. It is my very last wish in the world to have the person who brought my child(ren) in the world to feel the way you do. I hope it brings you some comfort to know you are touching people and teaching people!

Third Mom said...

Who really knows what's going on in their heads, but a couple of thoughts spring to mind.

One is that they believe time has helped you "get over" the loss of your daughter, and they are therefore not really concerned about contact.

Another is that they may actually be open to contact at some point; perhaps not right now, given that they haven't responded to your letters, but in the future. It's possible they're observing how you make contact, and are deciding how to move forward.

Also, Izzy may be talking about her first family, and they may want to make it possible for Izzy to reconnect when she's older.

None of these may be correct, but I think they're all in the realm of possibility.

I'm hoping that they are opening up to the idea of meeting, slowly perhaps, but in time.