Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I can't believe how fast the time is flying. It seems that Izzy's birthday just passed. However, it's only 6 months away. She is six months from being 18 years of age. In six months, she can decide for herself on who she wants to marry or what job to take or what school to attend. But according to the adoption laws it's her parents choice if she knows how to contact me or not.

I have spent a lot of time wondering about what will come of me sending the adoptive parents the letter. Since I work live in care for the elderly, I am not able to run to the mail box every day. When I came home this morning, I checked the mail and nothing. Nothing at this point is actually good. I decided to walk my dog, even though it's cold. Also to just lye around on the couch watching lifetime instead of watching the mailbox. I figure if my letter isn't in there today, then for sure they didn't write return to sender.

I am so nervous and scared. I want some kind of contact so bad. I want to be able to see what Izzy looks like, without feeling like I had to sneak around to do it. By that I mean the yearbook pictures. Sure, it's not a crime to photocopy pictures from a yearbook, but thats not how I want to say here look at how pretty she is. I want to know that she is safe and happy. Another part of me just wants them to say hello... we remember where our daughter came from. I want some trust. I trusted them to raise my daughter. I want them to trust that I won't come to the door and grab her by the hand and bring her home. I want them to trust that I am not going to seek her out with the picture and follow her. If I thought of me and only me.. I would get a lawn chair and sit on the sidewalk to I can see what she looks like. Since I think of Izzy and my family I won't be doing that.

The mail just came as I was writing this post. I ran to check and nothing, but junk mail. Besides the For Sale sign, my biggest fear is that they will do nothing again. I really really hope they surprise me. It will be Friday before I can check the mail again. It's a good thing my husband doesn't check it.


Reggie Boppy said...

I truly hope that you hear something soon. ((hugs))

Thandi said...

I second what the above comment says. We may be miles apart, living different lives-no adoption in my family- but as a parent I can imagine the feelings you have. We only wanted one child and when I was pregnant and even after, we really struggled financially and I often thought in my PND f-gged brian, I wish we could give her up" but besides the fact that people would have totally freaked out, I was like "And what if her adopters are evil? What if they raise her badly?" And thankfully it was just hypothetical but when you're depressed and alone mot of the time with a screaming baby,many thoughts run through your head.

i know we have nothing much in common, but thank you for sharing your life, your heart...I wish you all the best.May the wait yield something positive.