Friday, March 20, 2009

Hey all!! I am vacation from work. I do live in care for two very old people. I am so excited having this time to be away from my second home. I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my blog and for the comments. Sometimes, all I need is to not feel so darn alone with this adoption stuff. I have taken some time to really think about what everyone said and really do appreciate the honesty.
More on my story. It may seem like all my anger is towards the adoptive parents of my girl, but it's not. I am upset with my self. I am the one who seen a cute guy and fell for him and had sex. I am the one who chose not to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I thought I was saving her from abortion my Mom would have pushed. Why I didn't say anything after the abortion time was gone? I don't know. I don't know as a 14 year old I knew what the time line was. I was afraid. That's my only excuse. So I am mad at me! I am also upset with my Mom. I believe she couldn't risk me moving away raising my daughter, because she wouldn't have had a babysitter then. My Mom knows how I feel, because I posted true honest feelings on my everyday blog. My husband called her up asking questions a while back and she admits no wrong. She makes it sound as if it's okay, because she went to a good home.Boy did that piss me off. I want to know how she knows she went to a good home? My relationship with my Mom consist of only seeing her when we run into each other. She has never called me or asks for anything more. I used to try, but I don't anymore. I guess I could express my feelings to her more, but that's not going to change the past.
When the adoption took place there was never any words spoken of a closed adoption or a open adoption. I didn't learn those terms until I joined a birthmothers group about 6 months after Izzy was born. I wasn't able to get past my grief to join in on discussing how other women get pictures, letters and visits. I just couldn't go to those groups.
I don't believe the adoptive parents could really think that I had the right counseling to deal with adoption. They learned of a baby was coming that wasn't planned for and they had her in their arms in less than 48 hours. I believe all they wanted was a baby and they didn't care how they did it. I remember that pictures was promised to me. I received one before the adoption was final. Then the last one came on the sly. The picture was meant for my aunt and not me. The sad part about adoption is that you can promise something and not do it and yes it is legal. They didn't break any laws. However, is it moral. I am CPR certified, but if I see someone I don't like passed out. All I have to do is dial 911. but is it moral? I have the skills that maybe I can make the difference between life and death.
The biggest answer I have gotten on this post and others is the adoptive parents fear. I am not a adoptive parent therefore, I can't relate to you. I can only imagine how it might feel to have someone out there that loves your child just as much as you do. Here is my answer to the fears.
For the adoptive parents when you face that fear. Keep fighting don't let that fear win. I understand your fears are real. Just remember that your child birthparents have fear too. Can you imagine their fear when they handed you their child to raise. Adoption doesn't change the pact that it's their child. Legally not their child, but it's still their child. We have fears too. So adoptive parents need to dig deep and get through that fear, because without the birthparents swallowing their fear the child wouldn't be yours. I am probably preaching to the wrong people. Most that are reading understand what I am saying.
Mail come today and nothing. It's been two weeks since I sent it. So it's not looking good. I don't care what anyone says there is no excuse for not writing nothing back. Two simple words would be better than nothing. Go away.
To end this on a positive note. I don't just have anger towards Izzy's parents. I asked them to leave Izzy's name as I choose it. I was told they didn't rename her and I was able to confirm that when I found her in the yearbook. So it makes me very happy that they honored my request. For the record, Izzy isn't my daughter's name. It's the name of a teddy bear I gave my first husband. It's probably the name I would have given my baby if any of my other kids would have been girls. Izzy is short for Isabella


Sarah said...

Vacations are good!

My heart does break for you -- I can't even begin to imagine your pain. You hit the nail on the head -- just because something is legal, doesn't mean it's moral. Again, my wish is for an open adoption so both sets of parents can have a relationship with the baby we hope to eventually adopt.

It's brave of you to share your story with everyone.

Jenn said...

the contract that we signed with our birthparents, although not a legal document, is along with my marriage certificate, the most important peice of paper i have ever signed. we are not only responsible to them, but to our boys. we have followed that contact to the very last letter and intend to forever.