Wednesday, March 25, 2009

just venting

I am on my second marriage. I love my new husband. Right now it's just the two of us and my nine year old son. My older son wanted to live with his Dad and after lots of him telling me it would be better and my ex telling me that it would be better that I let him go. I see my son every other weekend plus here and there. But that's not the point of this post.
I am just furious with my husband. When we first got together, I asked him not to work and I paid all the bills. I could afford this because I was renting a two bedroom apartment. They raised my rent, because after my ex moved they claimed I didn't make enough to have a lease. So, I got it in my head to buy a house.
I bought a house only with verifying my income. In June of 2006, we moved into a 2 bedroom ranch home. It's a house perfect for us. It's has total fencing and even a dog house built into the garage. I love it.
Shortly after we moved it became clear that I could no longer pay all the bills. I needed myy new husband to work. It's been a pure struggle since then. He will work for a little while and as soon as I think I can count on him for a little help they cut his hours. He is down to 3 days a week and pays nothing towards nothing. If he does give me any kind of money then he just swipes my debit card and takes it right back with spending. I fought and fought until I got the debit card of mine away from him yesterday. He has this habit of over drafting his own account. He pulls out money and the bank allows it. Then they charge him a fee. So basically for two checks in a row now he has nothing left. This is a cycle he is on.
I am not going to say I am innocent and don't sometimes spend. I maybe wrong, but I earn money. My major down falls is animals. I paid 300 over a year ago for a black lab. Then recently I used tax money to buy a 29 gallon tank. These two items are items that I had been wanting for a long time. I was holding off to I owned my own home.
Basically right now, I could not spend a extra dollar on anything and I am not going to make it much longer. I have been a major bitch to him. When I try to tell him to work more then he goes on about how he isn't going to take care of my son. He is great with my son. He is better than his own Dad when it comes to the attention and the teaching of every day stuff. I am basically hearing that I need to have a babysitter covered for anytime he might work. I work live in care for the elderly. There are four days a week that from 10 am until 8:30 am that I am home. I think I bring home pretty good paychecks, but it's not enough.
I am thinking of quitting my caregiver job and go work for a telephone company. My husband's daughter works there and she can probably help get me in. If I work the shift that she works it pays the most. That would 7 pm till 4 am. I would hate it. I don't know when I would sleep. However, I would be home for my son before school and after. We have had a hard time finding a babysitter, because they want him full time and we only need care twice a week. This is where I get upset. How hard is it to work around my hours. I am not asking for the world. If he would just contribute 100 a week that would probably make the difference between the boat sinking or floating. I know if I change jobs I am going to be upset. I have been taking care of the same couple full time for almost 2 years. I love them. My goal is to see them to the end. They are 98 years old. I find it sad that I can make more money working on the telephones. But I find it more sad that my husband isn't giving me much of a choice.
Am I wrong for wanting the best of both worlds for my kids? A place to call home and a great Dad? My biggest memory of before shit fell apart in my childhood is when my parents lost the house. I don't want my children to move from one house to another. I want better?
Right now I have 25.00 in my pocket and we have a bet that I can't support my son and myself on it. It's only two days till payday so I am not worried. I will not rip off a bank to have extra cash. My husband on the other hand has 70.00 in his pocket, because he ripped off the bank. I am not sure why we have this bet but that's what he wanted.
Maybe I am taking out some of my anger out on him, because Izzy's parents haven't wrote me back? Maybe I am just tired of being walked on? All I know is that I am pissed. We just bought a new car used car, because his broke down. He needs it for his job. Right now I am wishing I just kept him unemployed, because I have gained a extra 300 in payments, but I don't see hardly anything from his job.
There is a big part of me that wants my life on the right track for Izzy. Of course I want my boys to see that I am doing well. But when Izzy meets me I don't want her thinking.. good thing she gave me away.. They are living without gas or always broke. Or good thing because they live in a cheap motel room.
Last night, I was trying to relax and work on Izzy's scrapbook. It bugs me that I am low on supplies. Yes I can still work on it, but I don't have the protective sheets for the book anymore. I love making the book and being able to flip through the pages. It makes me angry I work very hard and I am having to watch my pennies.
To make matters even worse, I am on a unpaid vacation from work. I had planned a vacation in advance, because I really needed the time away from work. I feel that him not paying for hardly anything and expecting the world is showing so much disrespect that I am having a hard time really feeling the love.

2 comments:

Thandi said...

((hug))

BB said...

Sending you hugs and support!! It must be difficult and I don't have too much advice except to say that having a job that you love (or even just don't hate) is a true blessing. In this economy, having a job at all is a blessing.