Wednesday, May 2, 2012

We have been dealing with issues with Alex still. We let things get out of hand with him asking to stay the night at friends house and he was gone more than home. Sometimes, it felt like he just came in for a meal. The good news is that he was getting a lot of exercise walking back and forth.

It got out of hand and my husband told Alex that he could only stay the night at a friends house once a week. Any other time, he was to come in either at ten or eleven at night. If he came in at 11 pm he was to go right to his room. There was some disagreement between my husband and myself if Alex should have food saved for him for dinner if he wasn't home. Personally, I think if we cook for 3 or 4 (depending if I am at work or not) that he should be able to eat. I think he should come in sooner than 11 to eat. I can see it becoming a problem if Alex wasn't home and for the most part the food was being wasted.

Anyways, my son has the cell phone and on Tuesday night he went to his friends. There was an issue that he hasn't had his Xbox and it just seemed weird. He said it was at his friend's house but didn't seem in a hurry to get it. He left to "get it" and ten pm comes and goes and then 11 pm comes and goes. Now, it's the time, I want to go to bed but he doesn't have a key and I can't sleep until I know he is in.

I get on the computer and try to creep on his FB wall and realize that he has deleted me as a friend. I log into Stephen's account and message him on fb (private) that he better have a good reason for not being home. It's about midnight and he writes me back.

He said he was waiting for a ride and was going to go to Grandma's. I said no that he was to come home. He made it appear as if he had talked to Grandma but I learned that wasn't true. I couldn't call Alex cause his phone battery was dead. I was getting more and more ticked and was willing to just come get him so I knew he would be home. He refused and quit answering my messages.

After, talking to him on Stephen's account, I went on the browser Alex uses and it logged me onto his Fb account. I admit that this maybe wrong but I was beyong being nice. I looked at his wall. He had all kinds of stuff about "lighting it up"

Also, I read some of his private conversations thru fb and there was talk about pot and money and other stuff that has lead me to believe that he is still smoking it and was using the overnights to party.

I am still reading love and logic. I admit it's been a slow read and I keep losing my place.

Anyways, right or not, I yelled at him the next day. Right now, he is not allowed to go anywhere but Grandma's and isn't allowed friends or girlfriends at home. I have taken his Kindle Fire away and also wanted the IPOD but that he says is lost. We got the XBox from someone else and he says it's broke. He has been spending more time with us because he was nothing to really do to keep his busy.

I made him come with me to the Y tonight and he hung out with his little brother.

I don't know how long we will keep him on house arrest. My husband doesn't want to be tied down with being the entertainment and has some issues of concern to make him too bored. I understand where he is coming from but if we are afraid to punish him because he might attach himself to our hip then we are giving him the power to walk all over us.

I know we can't watch him 100% of the time. I don't even watch my 12 year old son 100% of the time. We never leave him alone without the supervision of an organized event.

I don't know what our next step will be. I don't pretend to have all the answers or do I know if anything I have done or did will make a difference but what we were doing wasn't working.

I got to crack the whip and read that book. I plan on highlighting the parts I want to practice on and discuss with my husband. I hope to have it read it a week.

Off the subject of my kids, I have gotten into liking Zumba. It's kind of hard to follow all the steps but it's fun. I hope I can work it in at least twice a week. I seem to be recruiting my family and friends to join the fitness craze. Also, I have had to job offers for private caregiving. The latest is my stepmom's Mother. Where are chances like this when I didn't have any hours? Although, private caregiving with higer needs clients scare me some because of the liability risks. Also, I am happy with the amount of hours that I am working. Anymore, would cut into my already busy day.


Family Bits said...

My honest opinion...You are doing the same thing that I did with my son when he was Alex's age. You are giving him respect and trust that you would a teenager who has earned it, BUT he has not earned it. And you are then punishing him like a 11 or 12 year old when you're surprised that he is taking advantage of your respect and trust.
He TRULY needs to EARN your (everyone's) respect and trust. IMO, the only way for him to do that is to let him fall down on his own and don't help him back up. Don't give him a safe haven to come home to when he disrespects you. This is kind of extreme, and once you do it, you can't turn back till he learns from the school of hard knocks. But, it worked with my son when he was Alex's age and acted so similar to him.
Ive told you before, what I did. I kept my name on his checking account so I could check in on it when needed, kept him on my cell phone plan, and kept him on my car insurance plan. He moved in to friends garages, and then into a converted barn, and then finally decided that was not such a good life after all, when there's no one there keeping the net up when he falls off his high wire.
He started turning around when he was around 23, and regretted a lot of his life to that point; blamed it on my divorce, blamed it on me...and when I wouldn't allow him to do that, he turned it internally, and finally grew up..a lot! I simply STOPPED being his doormat. And stopped giving him my respect and trust until he earned it, which is really what I would have done to anyone if they were not my child. And it was really what he needed from me.
Only you can make those kinds of decisions, and they are SCARY and difficult decisions to make...probably the hardest I have ever made with him. And I always kept the real safety nets under him, by making sure he had enough money to survive (not live off of, but survive), and a cell phone to call me, and car insurance incase something happened to his car...But the other safety nets were gone...he was shocked, but he needed it to grow up.

Wendy said...

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry it's been so hard. I hope things get better with your son.

birthmothertalks said...

Are you suggesting that I kick him out of my home before he is 18? He is 17. Or suggesting that we lock him out should he not come home when he is suppose to? I think he would have stayed out all night had I not got on the computer and got all over him. I have given him a cell phone but he doesn't charge it and I think it could be done on porpose to avoid contact. I am thinking of doing either of two things once I let him go places other than home and with me. Refuse to let him go if his cell phone battery is dead or keep the phone myself and give him a charged up phone like I might for a younger child. I don't have to worry about my son having a driver license or car insurance cause he messed that up before moved in. I can't afford the risk of having him on a checking account because at 30 something a pop he could destroy me fast. I don't think I can afford to assist him much cash at all if he wasn't living here. We are expecting to lose child support once the school year ends cause unless Dad finds a job we are losing what money he pays.

Thanks Wendy, this age sure is rough and we are beginning to think that it's possible that he wanted to come live with me cause Dad was trying to control him too much.

April said...

I think it's good that you are taking time to think things through. Brainstorming various ideas and plans and staying a few steps ahead of your son can only help. I don't know much about teenagers, but I have heard a little about Love and Logic. I haven't read any of the series yet. Isn't there one for parents of teenagers?

birthmothertalks said...

April, it is Love and Logic for teenagers that I am reading.