Friday, April 2, 2010

I have had a desire to blog about something but I can't seem to find the right words. I am going to give it another shot. I struggle with trying to be good enough for Izzy. I fear that she would look at me and my son's and say Thank God that I wasn't raised with her. I fear that we won't good enough for her. I fear that she will look down on us. I don't know why I fear this.

Still on some topic that has been hard to blog about. An adoptee said that if her Birthmom had been overly sad about her that it would make her mad. Her comment went deep. It made me really think. Losing my daughter to adoption was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't be telling you all the truth if I said it didn't possibly cause some of my life choices.

I fell for the first guy who showed real interest in me. He wasn't a bad guy, but I used him as a ticket to freedom out of my parents house. I knew he had bad thoughts of of what our married life should like before we were married and I accepted it. Honestly, though, I thought hey we all have fantasy's and we don't act on them right? Hell, boy was I wrong. I won't go into anymore detail though.

I have a fear of really letting people close to me, because people who were close to me and were suppose to love me, walked all over me. I have some trust issues. I can't blame everything on adoption. I didn't have the self confidence to stand up to those around me. Life is full of learning and growing. We will never stop learning and growing as a person until we are dead. The fight isn't over yet.

So, if Izzy was reading this and feeling mad or sad that I have been sad about her or she thinks that my life has been shaped by my adoption loss. I would tell her that she can feel how she wants to but don't pity me.

It's true that my first marriage failed, but we had our good times. We got so caught up in his fantasy that we lost each other. We lost each other's love and respect and then it was just a shell of a marriage. So, divorce had to happen. but don't be sad for me. I don't regret my first husband and he is part of my history. I can never forget him. I have two great son's with him. And girl, while I am at it. I don't regret meeting and falling for Todd. (her birthfather) He is part of my history too. I can't explain why he ran. Fear I guess. Oddly, I am not mad at him. I guess maybe because he isn't around me to look at. I don't know. That wraps up what's been on my mind for a while.


Smerica Anderjones said...

I am having problems in my life. I am loosing friends and I have stopped talking. I dont think we have the same problem because I'm only 14 but I always tell myself that if I dont try how can I get better at things? I usually do things my own way... Meaning I do things on my own without people helping because it only makes me more upset when people start helping... I dont know why. But sometimes I think its best to talk to other people...

Yea i dont know if im helping... Im only 14.. Who listens to me anyways?
Ohh well...
I hope you get better. Im here...

Erica in Singapore

birthmothertalks said...

In the last few months, I have been able to open to two people. One person, is a birthmother, like me and the other has been a long time friend. She has only knowing about my daughter for a year and half. But it's taken that long for me to begin to be comfortable talking to her. I find it really nice to just be able to talk things through.
I don't know what you are struggling with. My son who is ten has some devolpmental and speech delays and learning problems is starting to lose friends too. It makes me really sad. He gets so upset when we are trying to assist him with school work, because we are not helping. But his way of helping is us giving him the answers.