Tuesday, April 20, 2010

changing of patterns

I think blogging and reading other people's blogs help me in more ways than I know. I have a habit of pushing people away and I admit even more so with little girls who pop up in my neighborhood. I am afraid to get close, because sometimes I get sad around little girls. I start thinking about what should have been. It's not about the neighbor girl. So, people can relax birthmothers do not want your children. One, we would never risk the children we are raising to take yours from you. Two, I don't want your child. Three, I would never do something like that to someone. It's just the idea of a girl for me. So, again, you can breathe easy again. I did let a neighborhood girl into m heart and then she moved. I never knew how much I enjoyed her around until they moved.

So, last winter, a new family moves in the area and my son makes friends with them. It's a little girl about 4 years old and a boy who is older than her. I have been doing my normal stuff not trying to encourage them to be over. A few weeks ago, I had to hold tears back as she petted my dog.

So yesterday, I read a post from this post on this blog. Also, I read this post from another blog. I enjoyed reading what they had to say and I think I took a little from them. I was given a little insight.

I was doing some yard work. I was pulling up the plants in the flower bed, because it was the previous owners taste and not mine. Then, the little girl from across the street comes over and tries to talk to me. I was also talking on the phone with my friend. She asked if she could come in and pull the plants too. My first reaction was to keep talking to my friend and send her home, but just because I didn't raise my daughter doesn't mean that I should push little girls away. So, she came in and we talked as we pulled the plants from the flower bed. It was kinda of nice.

I have been trying really hard to make a change in my life. To stop my patterns that I have lived for so long. It hasn't been easy. I can't be sure that I can always make the right step but I feel like things have really been getting better.

I really do enjoy blogging and it's been an experience that I wish I found sooner in life, but I have it now and that is all that matters.


Angelle said...

For me the trigger is little boys and I am afraid it happens when I am with my grandson and see how much I missed from not raising his father.

PS: Can I come pick up your irises?

birthmothertalks said...

I know it's hard, but I want to try to move through the trigger, because I don't want to lose out on chances to be around little girls because of my lost.
Where are you at? I have two bags full of the plants.

Jessica said...

It's hard to make those changes, those adjustments. As someone who generally jumps to being pessimistic, trying to be optimistic or unpanicked about certain situations is a literal physical decision for me.

Your situation with little girls doesn't sound strange to me at all (and I kind of laughed a little when you told people to relax, birthmothers don't want their children!). I have a friend who's little boy died not long after he was born. She had trouble for years being around babies, particularly little boys. It was just a painful reminder of what she lost.

I believe, especially in your situation, you experienced a loss so similar to death. And I think you've even said it here before - it might even be worse. Because there's not really any closure.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to compare death and your situation. But just saying I completely understand why being around little girls would be hard. I'm hoping this little girl next door is a blessing in your life, maybe even continue this path of healing. Hugs!

birthmothertalks said...

It's a really hard thing to let go of all the pain and hurt. Sometimes, I feel my family avoids me because of my loss over my daughter.
I am sorry about your friend who lost her baby son to death. It's so sad. I can imagine why babies would make her miss him more. She probaby is so jealous that they have thier baby and she doesn't and then feels bad for feeling that way. So, it's probably easier for her to avoid the babies then be around them. The sad part is that she loses out on some joy of being around them.
I too, have often tried to comare adoption loss to death. It's hard to compare the two, because I only only experienced one of them. I don't want to join that club to find out. With death it's the end of life. I know some people might think that adoption is better, because then your child is still living and enjoying life, but in a closed adoption the fears are enough to drive you crazy. You don't know if your child is being abused or hurt and your helpless to do anything. However, as sad as death is you know that your child isn't in pain anymore. Again, it is hard to compare when you just haven't lived it.

Angelle said...

LOL I wish we lived close and I would pick up your irises!

I bet you could make a lot of friends sharing with your neighbors.