Sunday, June 7, 2009

I don't have a lot of time, because I have to leave for work. However, I want to take a minute and tell all adoptive parents and the ones in waiting that I am sorry if I ever come off as too harsh or rude. I really don't mean too. I don't want to get into a battle of who's pain is more severe, because I don't really want to under estimate any ones pain in the world of adoption.
I know couples who want to adopt have to jump through hoops to get approved and end up paying tons of money that people who can just get pregnant and carry kids to term doesn't have to do. I believe that some of what you all probably have to do is just plain crazy and other things we all should have to do.
Adoptive parents please remember that most of you probably agree that once your child is placed in your arms your pain just disappears makes it all worth wild. I only can say that from reading your blogs. But I am sure there are others who still feel the pain. Also, please remember that the children's birth parents aren't being given a fair hand in life either. Life just isn't fair.
Yes, I had my daughter young. Could I have been her Mom. Yes. If my family would have helped me out I could have made it work. I was a Mom to my oldest son three years later and guess what I was still needing family help. I got the help and didn't even have to ask for it. I don't think three years makes much of a difference and I have to live the life time without my daughter even though I am perfectly able to support her now. My pain from my loss is still very real. My daughter lives less than a 1/2 mile from my ex husband and I can't just call her up to take her for dinner. Nope.. life is not fair.

I want to end this on a good note. With my son meeting Izzy's brother, I have learned two things. She must know she is adopted if her brother talks about it, and maybe adoption isn't a dirty word to them. Yea!!!! Also, her parents did honor my wishes and kept her full name at birth (with exception to last name) A big Thank You to Izzy's parents!!!! Now go hug "our girl" because I can't.


RB said...

I just read your last 5 posts and all I can say is, "WOW!" That's amazing that your son and Izzy's brother have been riding the same bus for this entire year. It's obvious that Izzy must know bits and pieces of her story since her brother shared it so openly. I wonder if anything will come of this. Maybe Izzy's adoptive parents will finally contact you, like they should have when you wrote to them. That's just my opinion though.

On another note, I don't think you are too harsh at all. Like you said, life isn't fair...for anyone. That's the nature of grief. It's selfish and it's a personal process. It's hard to look beyond what you're feeling at that moment. The grief that birth parents must feel and live with on a daily basis is the one thing I wish I could change with adoption. My only hope is that through an open adoption, birth parents' pain may be eased as much as possible. The pain will never go away, but maybe it will help them heal as much as they can.

I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog and your honesty :)

BB said...

Your pain is your pain. You don't have to diminish it or hide it for anyone.

Comparing pain from one triad member to another is like apples to oranges. They are very different!! And people are different in general. Not every birth mother deals with their pain the same and the same with adoptive parents.

As I have said before, I think you expressing your pain has taught me so much about what I can do to make my situation be the best it can be for R.

Holly said...

I'm 21, adopted, and will definitely be bookmarking your blog. :)

Jessica said...

I agree with RB and apologies necessary. It's amazing to have the kind of technology today to make connections and share stories and have a true understanding of what others think and feel. I imagine if we had this network 18 years ago, your relationship with Izzy would be very different. I hope it means a world of good change for adoptees and their birthparents today.

I think becoming a parent is hard. Even if you easily get pregnant, you might have difficult pregnancies or birth. Some may suffer miscarriages, others never even get a positive sign on their pregnancy test. Some people suffer stillborns, others have children who are born with birth defects, others lose their children to cancer as toddlers. Still others wait into the late hours of the night waiting for their teenager to arrive home safe and sound. I'm 28 and married and my mom still insists I call her everytime I land after a plane ride!

All that to say: being a parent is hard! It's not easy or fair for anyone, and you have a really tough job of being someone's parent, but not having them in your life.

I love reading your perspective, I love your updates, and every day I hope to see you're one step closer to knowing Izzy as the young woman she is today. Please don't apologize - we as adoptive moms need to know more. We really do; the more I know about how to keep Colt's birthmother a part of his life, the better. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that sharing your story is helping many other families make their adoption experience the best it can be.