Monday, April 18, 2011


I decided that I want to take a 7 hour drive to look through photos that belonged to my aunt because she told me that she had pictures of my grandmother that I never have seen before and I would like to see them for myself and also include them in my daughter's scrap book. I don't know when I will do this. It's just something that I want to do.

I had asked my aunt for a couple years and I was always greeted with I am too tired or too sick and I will do it later. Well, she died about a month ago and I still want those pictures. So, I want to talk to this cousin that would have them and try to take the trip to get copies of the pictures.

I feel a little guilty asking her for us to come take a trip because I haven't been in contact with the cousin for many years. My family just isn't a close family.

I decided to use facebook to try to find some of them and it was a challenge because I don't know everyone last names anymore. Basically, I am searching for what is now strangers and I did find some. All I had to do was find one and a bunch fell in my lap.

It got my husband and I talking about adoptees deep need to connect with their biological families and to see people that look like them. My husband asked me who do I think I look like besides the sisters and brother. It was hard for me to answer. I don't think I am a match for any certain person and I have never craved this desire to know. I always thought I looked some like this aunt on my Mom's side and didn't like it because I thought she was ugly. I have been told that I look a little like this aunt on my Dad's side of the family. There is talk of the "Smith" chin and I remember how my family used to say "yep, that's a Smith" I don't know if their really is a trait that the older generation see that I haven't noticed yet or if they just say it to say it.

Another thing my family has always said is that "smith's" know how to have babies. In a small way, it makes me wonder how much infertility troubles lies in the genes? I can't say one way or another if anyone has had trouble since I am not in contact with most family. Maybe, they said that because they came from a family of seven or eight kids. But then again, way back when, who didn't have tons of kids?

I wonder do adoptees crave something us non adopted people take advantage of? I just don't get the strong connection to see cousins that I haven't grown up with. I can't even name them all. There is too many of them.

I don't ever remember having to do the dreadful family tree that adoptees have blogged about. Could it be that I did it and it was an eventful moment in my life for me to remember? I would think the fact that I didn't have grandmothers alive when I was born would been something to remember when I would have had to ask their names. Which I still don't really remember. I believe my Dad's Mom is where the Indian heritage comes from. Over the years, I have felt the loss of grandmothers in my life and the reality that I only had one Grandfather because the other one was in a nursing home and didn't know who he was or anyone else. I really didn't feel that loss until I started taking care of the elderly and watching all the wonderful relationships between grandparents and their grandchildren.

I have read about adoptees being hurt because they weren't invited to a family reunion and I understand that they hurt and I am sorry about that. However, if my family was to have a family reunion I don't know if I would try to ask my daughter or not. Mostly, I really don't think there will be any reunions for us. The grand parents of the "Smith" family are all dead and people have moved on. That doesn't mean that maybe they don't have reunions within their own new family... it's just the "smith" family has grown and people have married and the "smith" blood line is running thinner and thinner and being replaced with other blood lines.

If my family did do a huge reunion I don't know if I could take my daughter around and point out the "smith's" the blood relations because that's all that most of them are to me. We just don't include each other in each others life. I know that I have cousins that live in my area and yet we don't make the effort. It's not that when we see each other at a funeral or run into each other at a store that we don't talk to each other and we may even hug each other. However, we are remembering the past and the past is dead.

If we had a reunion, on my Dad's side, I would go mostly out of feeling like I had to do it for my Dad. However, two aunts and one uncle has died in the past two years. Also, I have twin aunt/uncle (aunt is dead) and both the twins lost their only child early in life. The aunt's daughter did live longer than the uncles child so she had two sons who were left without a Mom and then a Grandma. I found those boys facebook but I don't have any connections or family memories of them.

Your probably wondering why I am searching for the family if I really don't feel much for them. Even though, my daughter hasn't expressed the deep need to see family pictures and people who may look like her.. I am waiting to get the pictures so if she does get the need they are in her book.

Mostly, I am just wanting to do this with my Dad's family. I do have a couple aunts on my Mom's side and children that I grew up with that I might think about but this is such a hard challenge to do so I will stick with the "smith family" before I think of my Mom's side.

I know me blogging about the lack of reasons to see family that I have grown apart from may sound weird coming from a birthmother but it's my truth. I think their is a big difference between the bond and love a Mother feels for her child than random family members.

I don't mean to offend any adoptees who do seek these connections to biological family members. I know everyone is different. I am just talking about my feelings on how I think it would be weird if my daughter was wishing for connections with people on my family that I lost years ago.

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