Monday, April 25, 2011

Dear Todd (birthfather)

I been thinking of you again. It just doesn't sit right with me that I can't give Izzy her birthfather's whole name. As of right now, she doesn't seem too interested. She hasn't pressed me for information about you. I know she is young and that could change over the time.
I feel shameful that I knew so little about you or that I forgot so much about you. I think I have located the high school that you most likely went to and that might lead me to finding a picture of you. I am hoping if your picture and name is right in my face that I will know it's you when I see it.

I might have blocked so much out because you walked away and weren't there and then we moved away. I used to be scared of you because my husband didn't know the whole truth but my current husband knows everything. I am no longer afraid because the truth can't hurt me anymore.

I wonder do you ever think of her? She is really pretty girl and appears to be very happy. She has had a stable boyfriend for three years and has graduated from high school. She is almost ready to finish her first year of college. You would be so proud of her. I try to look at her and see if I can catch something in her that reminds me of you. I am sorry that I just can't see you. How does one truly know what trait comes from what side of the family? Would you see your own traits in her? Or are most of your families traits lost in the land of adoption secrecy. I knew you were adopted and sadly I never thought much about it. I just took it as a fact and never considered how it impacted your life. I find it really sad that you lost two children to adoption and I am really sorry that I am a part of that.

You told me about a girl that stole your heart and said you would always love her. I remember her name because I was jealous. I found a girl with that first name and it's seem to not be a popular name from that time. Well, according to that yearbook. I also found your friend who you lived with who was an adoptee too who we have learned probably died in prison. I didn't know it to a few years later that your best friend was an adoptee too. That is when I learned that I was the second girl to place your child for adoption. I wonder was it the Johanna girl?

I plan on calling the high school and seeing if they have the missing yearbooks that the library didn't have. I don't know what I will do with the information if I find it? Would you want to know about Izzy? Would you accept how sorry I am that I wasn't able to fight my Mom when it came to giving her up for adoption? Would you see that if you ran because you were afraid that I get that but I couldn't run? You were afraid at what 19 or 20? I was afraid at 14 and left to handle things on my own.

Until I find you, stay safe. I hope you found happiness and didn't suffer the same fate as your friend.

3 comments:

Jeannette said...

Did you receive any paperwork from the adoption? I never even received my signed copy that I relinquished my rights. I don't know if you would have any of his information in the papersork.

Was his name on the OBC? I found Alyssa's paternal side (not dad at first) just because I remembered his 2 sibling's names. Alyssa's grandparents moved many states and about 1000 miles away from where I originally knew them.

It is important for every child to find both sides of their family. My daughter did not voice interest until after her son was born.

ashley @ divorced and 21 said...

sometimes i love writing letters, even if they never read them.. just lets them know what you want to say.

birthmothertalks said...

Jeannette,
I didn't get any paperwork. I don't know if my Mom did or not. If she did she probably swept it under the rug. Anyways, I lied to my Mom and said I was raped when in fact I was just a teen having sex. Insert more guilt here. Well, anyways, the courts accepted that the father was "unknown" Maybe, I felt like it was half a truth because by then I had forgotten his last name because I couldn't even pronounce it. I hope I am right about being on the mark with the right school. I really want to be able to give my daughter that piece of her puzzle and also in a way just some closure to get his side of things.

Ashley, I really like to write letters even if they are never to read them. It's a form of therapy to me.