Saturday, November 20, 2010

What I would have told myself years ago

And is what I want to tell birthmothers that are newly birthmothers.

Don't be afraid to talk about your child and adoption.
Make sure that you have at least a few people that you can talk to.
Write letters to your child and save them.
Create a scrapbook.
If your getting pictures. Hang them up but save copies in safe places.
Don't let your family pretend it didn't happen.
Don't deny that your child was born.
Check into counseling if you need it. It's not a sign of weakness. Go on a regular basis.
Be open and honest with boyfriend's husband's. The saddest thing that I read once was a man that was contacted by his wives grandchild. She was the grandchild of the daughter that she placed for adoption. She lived her whole life and never even told her husband or kids.
Tell yourself everyday that you are good. Adoption didn't make you a bad person.
Create something a special way to honor your child on his or her birthday. I kind of treat my daughter's birthday as an excuse to treat myself to a day out.

If anyone else has any suggestions on what to tell a birthmom in those early years please feel free to suggest it. I think some of the things I mentioned might have given me less of a stuggle over the years.


Life with Kaishon said...

And I would add to go out there and throw yourself into doing something for someone else! Don't wallow in this low place. Volunteer. Meet others who need help. Be a kind person. You will overcome this time. And your baby, your sweet, sweet baby, will grow up with a family that needed and loves them.

birthmothertalks said...

I agree with you to a certain point to now wallow in this low place but it's normal to be sad and for those who are not with their children it sometimes can be a never ending cycle of grief because you continue to miss out on your child's life. I don't agree that everyone can overcome it. We just have to find a way to live around it and learn now to find the happiness in the good. I kind of think by saying don't wallow in this low place is close to saying get over it. I am sure that's not what you mean. I agree volunteering is a very good idea and it's done a lot of good for me. I was thinking of ways that birthmom's can be able to speak of adoption and the child and not live in secret, because where there is secrets there is shame that tends to follow it. I want birthmother's of today to not feel so alone. Don't go years and years and no one knows your story.

Lori said...

Nice post...I truly liked it...

@Kaishon, ok, first off, you are truly misinformed. Not all women overcome and not all babies grow up with a family that needs them or loves them.

I think that you need to really get educated prior to making those kinds of statements.

jj said...

Telling people is definitely important. My birthmother died quite young and never told anyone about me (as far as I know, I am actually not sure about whether she told her husband). Her family have been great but it is still quite hard to know that there was no indication to them of my existence. To be honest, I totally understand why she could never tell anyone but that doesn't necessarily make it easier. I am a sixties adoptee by the way.