Lately, as I print these letters for your scrap book, I wonder what would be on your mind when you learn that I have been blogging my experience as your Birthmother for the whole world to see? Also, that I write letters for the whole world to see. Would you feel honored that other people are praying and hoping for a reunion. Or would you feel betrayal that letters to you was share for the whole world to see. Would you ask why I blog? If I said, to have somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings would you wonder why I didn't just write in a journal on paper.
To answer the questions that you may or may not ever ask is that at first I blogged as a place where I could express myself. In my experience, I haven't really been able to speak of you or adoption very well. I always felt like I wasn't understood and most people felt odd talking to me. It just made me feel ashamed and I just learned to not deal with my issues. Now, why not just write in an journal on paper? I like the fact that I can connect with other Birth Moms. It helps me feel not so alone. Also, I feel that if I convince one adoptive parent that closed adoptions should be a thing of the past and that they don't need to feel fear when it comes to their child's birth parents then this blog has served it's purpose. I can't think of any person more trust worthy of an adoptive child than the birth parents. Sometimes, not every often, but I do hear from children who have been adopted. I like to hear their insight.
I have been getting counseling for a year now and slowly I am starting to be more comfortable in my role as a birthmother. I am trying to live in the past. I am trying to let go of the what if's. That what if''s are not going to get me anywhere. I might wish that I had the support to raise you. I can't go and redo things and nor do I assume that you would want to redo things.
I hope when/if you ever read this blog that you will be proud of me. I hope that I do get me feelings across about the adoption without being too harsh on anyone. I try to focus more on the pain and not so much the blame. I don't agree with closed adoptions and I wish things had been different between your parents and myself. I think to see you grow, even if only through pictures, would have given me a sense of peace. It would allow me to feel that you were safe and well and also gave me more of a reason not to live in secret over you.That is something that I still struggle with to this day. I need to know that you are ok. I never want you to feel that you weren't loved or wanted. I do respect your parents and hope that you have had a great relationship and that they will continue to love you with all their hearts. Please know that I love you just as much. Not more not less. Your a beatiful girl! May someday, I can look into your eyes and see your inner beauty along with your outside beauty. Iwill always love you.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Today, I learned that the girl on face book is Izzy. I am 100% sure. I don't want to say what confirmed this for me, but trust me when I say that it was all honest.
Also, today, just now, I seen a cousin who told me an aunt died a few days ago. This is the same aunt who I spent quite a bit of time with when I was growing up. I admit that I haven't seen her in the recent years. My Mom didn't even bother to call and tell me, but that's just how she is. Not even a death will cause her to call me. Oh well, what can I do.
Also, today, just now, I seen a cousin who told me an aunt died a few days ago. This is the same aunt who I spent quite a bit of time with when I was growing up. I admit that I haven't seen her in the recent years. My Mom didn't even bother to call and tell me, but that's just how she is. Not even a death will cause her to call me. Oh well, what can I do.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
mushy stuff
Yesterday, I had a nice day with my husband. I tried to tell him how much it means to be that our marriage is getting stronger. Men just don't seem to want to talk mushy stuff. Before, we contacted a church for marriage counseling I wanted out. I was so unhappy. We both were being jerks. Our family life was crazy. The thing that made me ask for help was when my little son said not fight tonight. I am sure we kept him up at times. We were too into who was wrong and trying to prove our points to think of anyone else.
I can count many times that I left in the night, because the fighting was just too much. I am sure I put myself at risk being out at all hours of the night. I was ready to leave my own house, because what is a home if you didn't feel the love in it. Now, I feel the love all around!
I can honestly say that we have had a complete turn around. I am going to give credit to lots of people. Myself, my husband and the coworker that said call for help, the pastor K and his wife and I maybe everyone is right that a life with God in it will be better. I am just amazed at the difference in our relationship.
It doesn't mean things are perfect and we might not ever need outside help again. Pastor K said that if I professed my love to God that I would be happier and feel different. Sometimes, I agree that I am happier and life has changed. However, when it comes to my daughter, I still feel that hopeless feeling that I am fighting a major depression at times. I feel that this might even be too big for God to handle. Some of their advice, I wonder if they can handle their own advice if they were in my shoes. But they are not. I do plan on getting back to them, but only when I can let a little more time pass that I feel that I can choose the right words. I don't want to appear ungrateful for all their help. Well, I have to get ready for work.
I can count many times that I left in the night, because the fighting was just too much. I am sure I put myself at risk being out at all hours of the night. I was ready to leave my own house, because what is a home if you didn't feel the love in it. Now, I feel the love all around!
I can honestly say that we have had a complete turn around. I am going to give credit to lots of people. Myself, my husband and the coworker that said call for help, the pastor K and his wife and I maybe everyone is right that a life with God in it will be better. I am just amazed at the difference in our relationship.
It doesn't mean things are perfect and we might not ever need outside help again. Pastor K said that if I professed my love to God that I would be happier and feel different. Sometimes, I agree that I am happier and life has changed. However, when it comes to my daughter, I still feel that hopeless feeling that I am fighting a major depression at times. I feel that this might even be too big for God to handle. Some of their advice, I wonder if they can handle their own advice if they were in my shoes. But they are not. I do plan on getting back to them, but only when I can let a little more time pass that I feel that I can choose the right words. I don't want to appear ungrateful for all their help. Well, I have to get ready for work.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Dreams are weird, but sometimes nice. My experience as a birth mom, I really can't say that I dream about my daughter. How can you dream about someone you don't know. Last night, I had a dream, I talked to Izzy on the phone and then I met her. She was married to some famous rock star and had 5 kids. I really hope that at 18 she doesn't have kids. However, even with her 5 kids, I loved her just the same. I didn't want to wake up. In my dreams, I had my daughter. In reality, I don't. I do have two awesome boys and a husband who is loves me and my marriage is getting stronger. So I guess I need to take others advice and look at what I do have and not just what I don't have. I do wonder though would these same people tell someone mourning the death of a loved one the same thing? But with death, there is some closure. It's over with and done. My daugher is creating memories without me. I feel that part of my family is living else where.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
For years, I have struggled with the not knowing what Izzy looked like. I had an idea from the picture when she was about 2 or so that she might strongly resemble me. I will admit that it gave me joy in the fact. I thought maybe the parents wouldn't be able to help but think of me.
For a couple years, I had the small wallet of her on the fridge. I told my older son it was me. It then become too much of a lie to carry on so I just hid it away in the closet.
Over a year ago, I was able to enlarge the picture to a 4 by 6 and frame it on the wall. Alex was aware of her, but Stephen wasn't, but the picture wasn't questioned by Stephen. So, it's been hanging in my hallway for a over a year.(STephen now knows) She is on top, because she is the oldest, but she looks like a young toddler. Alex was the one who suggested she go on top, because she is the oldest.
He said, I wish we could see a picture of what she looks like now. That should be easy to do now. All I have to do is frame the one that I printed off face book, but if only it was that easy.
I don't want to admit how I got that picture. I don't want him or anyone else to try and contact her. Mine!! Stay away! That sounds so bad, but I don't feel that this last year of high school to contact her. Besides, Mine!!!
I feel really torn. I feel that by not telling the truth that I am not giving myself what I need. That is to proudly show her picture on the wall. I will admit that I don't want to appear weak to my kids. I have seen pictures in the yearbook and the face book. I feel that all the sneaking around to get the pictures just plays more into that my daughter is the dirty little secret. I am ashamed to admit that I have been treated so poorly. I don't want to admit defeat. I feel that by making me get the pictures any other way than them just handing/mailing them just makes me feel like I have done wrong. It all seems to wrap back into the idea that my daughter is a dirty secret that I am not a worthy enough person to be trusted with what she looks like.
It makes me very sad that they don't trust me. I could call them. I could sit by their place or Izzy's school, but I don't do any of that.
Today, I was able to go to church. I have missed about two weeks due to work. I really love going and I am glad that Pastor K and his wife helped me see that I need God in my life. I really want to continue to see them to address some of my issues. Sometimes, I feel that they are pushing me to figure things out on my own. I have met with Pastor K on my own once and once with his wife on my own. I personally feel the best when it's both of them. I feel like I have some questions for them that might feel like a debate. I don't really mean to turn their advice into an debate, but some of the advice they offer just doesn't quite sit with me. Maybe I will write about them another day.
I am still getting the impression that an family member might be reading my blog here. Note to you, please respect that this blog was made for me to safely express my thoughts as a birth mom and I don't want to step on any ones toes or hurt anyone. I have been asked why it bothers me if someone in real life was reading and my answer is that I feel safe, because the people who read don't know me. I can't personaly hurt them or step on their toes as in the same way as if my sisters, brother, or parents could possibly feel if they were reading.
For a couple years, I had the small wallet of her on the fridge. I told my older son it was me. It then become too much of a lie to carry on so I just hid it away in the closet.
Over a year ago, I was able to enlarge the picture to a 4 by 6 and frame it on the wall. Alex was aware of her, but Stephen wasn't, but the picture wasn't questioned by Stephen. So, it's been hanging in my hallway for a over a year.(STephen now knows) She is on top, because she is the oldest, but she looks like a young toddler. Alex was the one who suggested she go on top, because she is the oldest.
He said, I wish we could see a picture of what she looks like now. That should be easy to do now. All I have to do is frame the one that I printed off face book, but if only it was that easy.
I don't want to admit how I got that picture. I don't want him or anyone else to try and contact her. Mine!! Stay away! That sounds so bad, but I don't feel that this last year of high school to contact her. Besides, Mine!!!
I feel really torn. I feel that by not telling the truth that I am not giving myself what I need. That is to proudly show her picture on the wall. I will admit that I don't want to appear weak to my kids. I have seen pictures in the yearbook and the face book. I feel that all the sneaking around to get the pictures just plays more into that my daughter is the dirty little secret. I am ashamed to admit that I have been treated so poorly. I don't want to admit defeat. I feel that by making me get the pictures any other way than them just handing/mailing them just makes me feel like I have done wrong. It all seems to wrap back into the idea that my daughter is a dirty secret that I am not a worthy enough person to be trusted with what she looks like.
It makes me very sad that they don't trust me. I could call them. I could sit by their place or Izzy's school, but I don't do any of that.
Today, I was able to go to church. I have missed about two weeks due to work. I really love going and I am glad that Pastor K and his wife helped me see that I need God in my life. I really want to continue to see them to address some of my issues. Sometimes, I feel that they are pushing me to figure things out on my own. I have met with Pastor K on my own once and once with his wife on my own. I personally feel the best when it's both of them. I feel like I have some questions for them that might feel like a debate. I don't really mean to turn their advice into an debate, but some of the advice they offer just doesn't quite sit with me. Maybe I will write about them another day.
I am still getting the impression that an family member might be reading my blog here. Note to you, please respect that this blog was made for me to safely express my thoughts as a birth mom and I don't want to step on any ones toes or hurt anyone. I have been asked why it bothers me if someone in real life was reading and my answer is that I feel safe, because the people who read don't know me. I can't personaly hurt them or step on their toes as in the same way as if my sisters, brother, or parents could possibly feel if they were reading.
Scrap book ideas
I haven't really worked on my daughter's book in a while. I don't feel the strong need to do it or I will go nuts. I want to continue working on it, but I am pretty much fresh out of ideas. I have a couple more up my sleeve, but haven't taken the time to really focus on the book.
The book is mostly about me, but of course others are in my life so some family is in there too. I don't have too much extended family in there for a couple reasons. I tried to get pictures of my aunts and uncles from one aunt who most likely kept the best photos, but every time I asked, I get I will work on it. She is kind of elderly so I know it can't be her top concern.
A lot of it is my boys. I don't want to overdue it with them, but it's hard not to share. I don't know what will be too much. I have been trying to get more pictures taking of me. I normally am the one with the camera. I guess I feel that at this point if I focus on pictures of me then it's going to get boring.
I have done a few of my pets. I have been creative and have drawn. My few ideas in my head are adding the birthday pictures, my doll collection and maybe even throw in the famous cabbage patch era of the time I was growing up. I have got the perfect picture. My two cabbage patch dolls around my son's cabbage plant. I am planning on to continue to add the letters that I write on here in the book. Any one have any more ideas on what I can add to the book? I feel like it's starting to take a boring turn. I don't want to create the book to just create. I want it to have a meaning.
The book is mostly about me, but of course others are in my life so some family is in there too. I don't have too much extended family in there for a couple reasons. I tried to get pictures of my aunts and uncles from one aunt who most likely kept the best photos, but every time I asked, I get I will work on it. She is kind of elderly so I know it can't be her top concern.
A lot of it is my boys. I don't want to overdue it with them, but it's hard not to share. I don't know what will be too much. I have been trying to get more pictures taking of me. I normally am the one with the camera. I guess I feel that at this point if I focus on pictures of me then it's going to get boring.
I have done a few of my pets. I have been creative and have drawn. My few ideas in my head are adding the birthday pictures, my doll collection and maybe even throw in the famous cabbage patch era of the time I was growing up. I have got the perfect picture. My two cabbage patch dolls around my son's cabbage plant. I am planning on to continue to add the letters that I write on here in the book. Any one have any more ideas on what I can add to the book? I feel like it's starting to take a boring turn. I don't want to create the book to just create. I want it to have a meaning.
Monday, September 21, 2009
card
Enough time has passed that I can assume that Izzy's birthday card didn't get returned to sender. I didn't expect an answer from anyone so I can honestly say that I am not upset. I do wonder did they pass the card along or did they stash it or throw it away. I also wonder about the pictures from the past two letters I sent did they pass them along or trash them. I could have sent the card directly to her, but since she is still in high school, I thought I would show them the respect of giving them the option. The card was an really pretty pink card and it said I thought it was perfect for adoption, but not really for adoption.
On your birthday
Today,
You are all the memories,
People, and places
that have made you
who you are....
Today,
You are
a million precious things,
and a hundred different reasons
to smile and wish and dream about...
Today,
All the people you know and love
are thinking about you.
I thought this card and these words honored everyone in her life past and presence. It honored myself and her birthfather and the family traits passed down from generations. It honored her upbringing with her adoptive parents. It honored her schooling and her friends, just every person who has touched her life. Most of all, it told her that ALL THE PEOPLE, who know and love her are thinking about her.
Did she get this card? I wonder? I hope so. All I know is that I did what I thought was right. I let a young lady know that I have not forgot about her or have I stopped thinking and loving her.
I still can't quit find the right words to express how the picture on facebook is affecting me. My client was playing a Christian radio station yesterday, so I got to listen to comforting music for about 12 hours and after she went to bed, I just thought about the situation and how it makes me feel and I know my thoughts get twisted and I should just enjoy, but I can't. So I shed a few more tears to fill that ocean.
On your birthday
Today,
You are all the memories,
People, and places
that have made you
who you are....
Today,
You are
a million precious things,
and a hundred different reasons
to smile and wish and dream about...
Today,
All the people you know and love
are thinking about you.
I thought this card and these words honored everyone in her life past and presence. It honored myself and her birthfather and the family traits passed down from generations. It honored her upbringing with her adoptive parents. It honored her schooling and her friends, just every person who has touched her life. Most of all, it told her that ALL THE PEOPLE, who know and love her are thinking about her.
Did she get this card? I wonder? I hope so. All I know is that I did what I thought was right. I let a young lady know that I have not forgot about her or have I stopped thinking and loving her.
I still can't quit find the right words to express how the picture on facebook is affecting me. My client was playing a Christian radio station yesterday, so I got to listen to comforting music for about 12 hours and after she went to bed, I just thought about the situation and how it makes me feel and I know my thoughts get twisted and I should just enjoy, but I can't. So I shed a few more tears to fill that ocean.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I just wanna play duckies
Today, I just had to find out if the girl on facebook is my daughter. So, I went to the library where I can see her in color. I have photocopied pictures but the color doesn't show through. I brought along my dog, because I knew either way I needed to get some fresh air.
I compared the picture that I printed to two of the pictures in the yearbooks. It's amazing how much my daughter's looks seem to change from year to year. I guess it's something that parents just don't notice, because they see them everyday. That's why I still don't feel confidant in knowing if I would know my daughter if I seen her face to face. It's a miserable feeling.
The girl is my daughter. I am 99.9% sure that it's Izzy!!!! I have no plans to contact her through face book, but that don't mean I would never. As of right now, I just don't think I want to do that. Honestly, I want to do that, but not sure that would be best for Izzy.
I took my dog, Ann, for a long walk on the bike path. It was pretty nice. I did a lot of thinking and probably a lot of what I think don't make sense. One thing, is that I feel like all the sneaking around that I had to do to see what Izzy looks like, just feeds more into my feeling like my daughter is a dirty secret. Like I can't be trusted. It don't help that my husband thinks that finding her pictures on my own is close to stalking. I feel another counseling session coming on.
I have been sitting on a couple things before I shared with my blog friends.
I sent Izzy a birthday card addressed to her, but in care of her parents. I wrote a quick letter to her parents telling them that I wasn't asking for anything or expecting anything in return. That I just wanted her to know that I am thinking of her on her special day, and that I would be open to contact if she wanted it.
I wrote my daughter a short but sweet letter to on her card. The card was beautiful and fit adoption just right. I will share the words later. I haven't heard anything back yet and haven't got the card back. I am trying to hold to my word and not expect anything. I just hope that they felt safe to pass the card on.
Second, new thing going on is that I think I found Izzy on facebook. The page isn't open to everyone unless your her friend, but I can see one picture. I was able to drag the picture to my flash drive and print it. It's not the best quality picture, but it's what I got. Here is the hard to live with part. I can't be sure it's her. I think it's her and I have good enough reason to say that it's probably her. However, I can't know for sure. I feel that a Mother should be able to see her own kid. I am/was a little afraid to post this, because I don't want this to get back to her adoptive parents. I don't want Izzy's life to be affected by their fear. I am not going to contact her this way. I want to proudly hang the picture up, but how can I when I don't know for sure. I wish I could share the picture compared to one of me, but that just wouldn't be right.
I made a page on facebook and kept it open. Does anyone know anything about facebook? Will my dauhter see that I am looking.
I am not even going to go into how her face is on the web for the world, but can't be on my wall from her parents trusting me. Not getting into that today.
I sent Izzy a birthday card addressed to her, but in care of her parents. I wrote a quick letter to her parents telling them that I wasn't asking for anything or expecting anything in return. That I just wanted her to know that I am thinking of her on her special day, and that I would be open to contact if she wanted it.
I wrote my daughter a short but sweet letter to on her card. The card was beautiful and fit adoption just right. I will share the words later. I haven't heard anything back yet and haven't got the card back. I am trying to hold to my word and not expect anything. I just hope that they felt safe to pass the card on.
Second, new thing going on is that I think I found Izzy on facebook. The page isn't open to everyone unless your her friend, but I can see one picture. I was able to drag the picture to my flash drive and print it. It's not the best quality picture, but it's what I got. Here is the hard to live with part. I can't be sure it's her. I think it's her and I have good enough reason to say that it's probably her. However, I can't know for sure. I feel that a Mother should be able to see her own kid. I am/was a little afraid to post this, because I don't want this to get back to her adoptive parents. I don't want Izzy's life to be affected by their fear. I am not going to contact her this way. I want to proudly hang the picture up, but how can I when I don't know for sure. I wish I could share the picture compared to one of me, but that just wouldn't be right.
I made a page on facebook and kept it open. Does anyone know anything about facebook? Will my dauhter see that I am looking.
I am not even going to go into how her face is on the web for the world, but can't be on my wall from her parents trusting me. Not getting into that today.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The hard stuff!
The evening of Izzy's birthday was the hardest. I decided to drown my sadness in drinking. I know not good. I drank down quite a bit for someone who doesn't drink but maybe a few times a year. Then, I decided to dress my dolls. I collect dolls that I like to change their clothes and stuff. I am not crazy, but I just like to have fun with it. I still had the doll around me when the buzz and the tears came on. I hope no one thinks I am nuts for admitting this, but anyways, I started to cry and rock the baby. My husband tried to ask me what was wrong and I pretty much ignored him and just kept crying and rocking the baby.
I can't explain it but it went very deep. For a short period of time I had my baby girl back. I felt everything I felt the day she was born. My husband kept trying to get me to lye down and I kept rocking the baby.
Then, it got even stranger. I stripped the doll of her clothes. I was like a mad person desperate to get her clothes off. After, she was naked, I felt her face and her hands and feet trying to remember my baby forever. My husband claimed the next day that a couple times I would go to the bathroom and he would dress the doll. I would undress her again. Finally, he just gave up and let the baby go without clothes. I slept with the doll as if it was my baby girl. Something I don't normally do.
It took me a few days to really understand why I was stripping the baby doll of her clothes. My last memories of my daughter is me dressing her and leaving the hospital. I remember my Mom rushing me to dress her. I wanted to make that moment last forever. So, I think by refusing to dress the doll was my way of reliving of my pleas to keep my baby with me.
My husband said, that I cried for about an hour or so. This is about 6 hours less than last year. I owe my husband lots of credit. He was so different this year. He tried to help. I remember him reaching out to touch me or try to get me to lay down. He didn't yell or call me crazy or once tell me that I didn't have the right to cry.
The next day, we picked up the newest doll that I just had to have and we went on a road trip. We drove with no where in mind. This birthday was hard, but I felt the support of my husband really made the difference.
The picture is my new doll.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Dear Izzy
Your 18Th birthday just passed by. It's hard to imagine you as a grown person. In my mind, I think more of a young child. I pause at little girl dresses and I imagine what it would have been like to dress you in a pretty dress. Now, I have really begin to wonder what you might look like in a prom dress or maybe even a wedding dress. Yikes! I look in the mirror and I don't look like I could have a grown daughter.
This weekend brought some beautiful weather. I hope you had a great birthday. I really hope life has treated you well. All I want for you is the best and for you to be loved. Your birthday's have always been really hard on me. I grieve for the years past and the future. I don't know what the future will hold. Will I be so lucky to meet you someday?
To honor you birthday, I had my own celebration. I inflated 18 balloons at home and drove them to the Ymca. In my van, I pulled out a card that I had picked out and wrote you a quick letter telling you how much I love you and miss you. I attached the card to a couple of the balloons.
I said a quick prayer asking God to watch over you and keep you safe and I released the balloons with the card and let them soar over the river. I snapped a couple pictures as they floated away.
I walked on the bike path just taking a little time to myself before I returned home. I thought about what could have been and what should have been,but that's not how life happened. I feel strongly someday we will meet again. I know I can't be your Mom, but I can be a friend or a big sister. All I know is that you will always be able to count on me. If you need me, I will be there. I love you baby girl.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I am ok
I made it through Izzy's birthday. It was hard, but not as hard as last year. I have so many points that I want to write about but don't quite know where to start. Also, I feel like I could write a book. So I will probably have to post several times to process my thoughts.
I am going to focus today on how I was hoping that by me slowly trying to come out the birthmom's closet with friends and family and I mean slowly coming out that the outcome would be different. I was hoping maybe just one person would remember that I have said that her birthday is hard on me. No one called. Not any of the coworkers that I told. My sisters didn't call. My mom didn't call. The pastor and his wife didn't call me. I think that probably hurt the most. I went to them for assistance with my grief and the shame around my daughter and her birth and they didn't even bother to check in on me.
I really shouldn't say that nobody called, because that's not true. My older son called the night before remembering that tomorrow was her 18th birthday. My husband was also more supported this year.
I have to learn to not have expectations of other people. It's a big day to me but not to them. Them meaning all the other people that I mentioned.
Today, I was able to take both my boys to the Sunday morning service and there was Pastor K and his wife to greet us. They got to meet the boys for the first time. Even though, they didn't call, I am happy to have them in my corner.
I am going to focus today on how I was hoping that by me slowly trying to come out the birthmom's closet with friends and family and I mean slowly coming out that the outcome would be different. I was hoping maybe just one person would remember that I have said that her birthday is hard on me. No one called. Not any of the coworkers that I told. My sisters didn't call. My mom didn't call. The pastor and his wife didn't call me. I think that probably hurt the most. I went to them for assistance with my grief and the shame around my daughter and her birth and they didn't even bother to check in on me.
I really shouldn't say that nobody called, because that's not true. My older son called the night before remembering that tomorrow was her 18th birthday. My husband was also more supported this year.
I have to learn to not have expectations of other people. It's a big day to me but not to them. Them meaning all the other people that I mentioned.
Today, I was able to take both my boys to the Sunday morning service and there was Pastor K and his wife to greet us. They got to meet the boys for the first time. Even though, they didn't call, I am happy to have them in my corner.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tomorrow is my daughter's 18Th birthday. I have had a lot of support this week, which I hope will make tomorrow a little easier to get by.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.
This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.
Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.
Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.
On Tuesday, I got to have breakfast with L the pastor's wife. Even though, sometimes I can't quite accept what they say as the answer to my grief, I love having them in my corner. L questioned why I am okay with strangers reading my blog and not my family. I told her that I feel safe. I don't have to worry about any of my words being twisted around. I have this fear that Izzy's parents will think I am crazy. Which bugs me, because just because I miss her doesn't mean that I am crazy. I asked her if she could make a scrapbook page for Izzy. Maybe that seems a little strange, but I feel like it might be kind of cool to have others help just a tiny bit.
This past week, I spoke with my little sis about Izzy for the first time. It made me so nervous. It bugs me a little that she has known for at least 5 years, but I don't hold anything against her. I also asked her to make a page for Izzy. I basically invited my family members that read my everyday blog, but don't know how much they actually read the blog.
Today, I went to counseling at the adoption agency. She has been a great help too. She is really pushing me for answers though. The last time, she asked why am I waiting for everyone to talk to me about Izzy why not just talk first. My answer is fear, shame and guilt and just plain stuck in silence. I am just used to a certain way of life. Today, she really got into when the secerty and shame got started. It goes back to the pregnancy. I learned quickly by my Mom's actions that it wasn't going to be pretty. So, I just kept quiet until I went into labor. I don't know how she could not have known though.
Tomorrow, is going to be a rough day. I will be coming home from my clients home in the morning and plan to sleep some of the day away. I will probably pick up this little doll I have been paying on at the doll shop. My counselor wonders if the dolls are coping device for me. I don't know, but boy are they cute. I figure your never too old to be a kid. I plan on releasing the balloons in honor of Izzy. I am debating how I will deal with my younger son being home. I can't inflate 18 balloons and not be questioned. The counselor suggested just not telling the whole truth. To me that feels like more hiding. But is it fair for him to know what day it is and maybe hurt, or is it fair to lie to him.
We plan on going for a little road trip Saturday. I just have to try and stay busy. I feel like this birthday is going to be hard, but I can see that I am better than last year. If I can keep taking baby steps then that will be good.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
2 more days
Only two more days until Izzy's birthday. I was able to meet with L for breakfast yesterday and I really feel safe talking to her. We had a nice time together. I am not sure I really agree with everything she has to say about God or if she could live with her own advice if the shoe was on her foot. I don't hold nothing against her though, because how can she really know. All she can do is her best.
I didn't sleep well last night. I am pretty nervous about Izzy's birthday. I want to handle it better this year. I don't want to cry all night. I have a couple long days at work and then I am off for three days. So, I am hoping we can do some fun things to help keep my mind from thinking too much.
I am still thinking about the releasing 18 balloons into the sky, but don't know to include my sons or not. My youngest son will be home that day so it's either do it or don't do it. I will most likely do it.
If anyone this weekend wants to help me celebrate by releasing one balloon into the sky for Izzy and take a picture I will include the picture in her scrapbook. No pressure.
I didn't sleep well last night. I am pretty nervous about Izzy's birthday. I want to handle it better this year. I don't want to cry all night. I have a couple long days at work and then I am off for three days. So, I am hoping we can do some fun things to help keep my mind from thinking too much.
I am still thinking about the releasing 18 balloons into the sky, but don't know to include my sons or not. My youngest son will be home that day so it's either do it or don't do it. I will most likely do it.
If anyone this weekend wants to help me celebrate by releasing one balloon into the sky for Izzy and take a picture I will include the picture in her scrapbook. No pressure.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Today, was my first Sunday morning that I haven't had to work. So, I decided to go to the services at the church that I have been getting counseling from. I go almost every Wednesday, but sometimes the counseling is during the service.
I seen L (pastor's wife) come in with her grandson. She was happy to see me. She invited me to sit next to her and Pastor K. I almost feel like a third wheel, but it's nice to sit with them.
During the service the pastor that was preaching was talking about faith in God that he will bring the hurting healing. Also, talking about how God brings people together
I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I held my head low and cried. I was crying, because I want to have faith that I will get past these days. I want to have hope that all will be okay. I want it more than anything.
I also cried, because I don't know if it was God or not that brought me to Pastor K and his wife. They have been awesome. I just am amazed at how much they have been willing to help me. They don't seem to mind that I am tending to get stuck on the same subject. They have really been there. I feel like I am riding on their faith that everything will be okay. I do want to have the faith in God to heal me and watch over Izzy. But right now it's just not there. I have too many dark days.
My husband and I are still getting along pretty well. We haven't been going to marriage counseling anymore, but it's not that he isn't willing. It's not that he isn't invited by the Pastor. It's because I have been working on my issues before I can fully address our problems. However, we have been doing really good. Everyday, I love my husband more. He has been sober for about three months. I am so proud of him.
I seen L (pastor's wife) come in with her grandson. She was happy to see me. She invited me to sit next to her and Pastor K. I almost feel like a third wheel, but it's nice to sit with them.
During the service the pastor that was preaching was talking about faith in God that he will bring the hurting healing. Also, talking about how God brings people together
I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I held my head low and cried. I was crying, because I want to have faith that I will get past these days. I want to have hope that all will be okay. I want it more than anything.
I also cried, because I don't know if it was God or not that brought me to Pastor K and his wife. They have been awesome. I just am amazed at how much they have been willing to help me. They don't seem to mind that I am tending to get stuck on the same subject. They have really been there. I feel like I am riding on their faith that everything will be okay. I do want to have the faith in God to heal me and watch over Izzy. But right now it's just not there. I have too many dark days.
My husband and I are still getting along pretty well. We haven't been going to marriage counseling anymore, but it's not that he isn't willing. It's not that he isn't invited by the Pastor. It's because I have been working on my issues before I can fully address our problems. However, we have been doing really good. Everyday, I love my husband more. He has been sober for about three months. I am so proud of him.
When I first started blogging, I shared my blog with my family. It was just normal everyday stuff and pictures. Then, I created the blog called Empty Arms and broken heart. I didn't know enough about blogging then. I noticed that there was a chance that they could read the adoption related blog, because it was under the same profile.
I started writing the adoption related blog when I seen another Birthmother doing it. I thought writing would be helpful. It gave me a place where I could say what was on my mind without hurting or offending anyone in my real life. When, I noticed that anyone who had my normal blog. could read the adoption related one, I started to be tempted to just strike out in anger against my Mom. It was too easy to just strike and not think about if I was hurting her.
So, I created this blog and erased the other one. This blog has given me the freedom to express my greif, my sorrows, my disappointments, and even my moments of happiness. I didn't have to worry if I stepped on any family members toes. Also, I wasn't temted to strike out in anger with my goal to hurt somoene. Sometimes, I feel like she hurt me and I am going to hurt her. Well, my thinking like that isn't going to solve anything.
On top of just writing, I have found a group of people who I have connected with that I probably wouldn't have had the chance in real life. I have learned a lot from adoption from all sides. I feel that I carry less anger towards my daughter's adoptive parents, because of them. It's been a wonderful support system. It doesn't replace the face to face support system that I need, but hey at least it's something.
I won't say who said what and who might be reading, but I have heard that one of my family members has tracked this blog down by watching the people I follow on my other blog. I am not sure if they are confused and had been reading the one I got rid of or not.
The thought that they took the time to search it out makes me sick. Why not come to me if somoene has questions. Why read my most personal thoughts if you can't come to me and say "Hey I know your hurting, is there anything I can do" Or say, "I can't imagine what's it's been like for you, can you explain more about what happened"
The pastor wife says that I shouldn't blame sisters or brothers for not speaking of the adoption or my daughter, and I suppose she is right. But I can hold them for reading my most personal thoughts.
Just in case family is still reading. I do write about my issues. My parents were not there for me when I needed them the most. I followed my older sister around men who were much older than me and I fell for one of them. I had sex and I am not innocent. I don't regret my daughter and the only think I regret when it comes to her is that I can't remember Todd's last name. I feel like that's a part of history that I should be able to give Izzy if she wants it.
I spent the first half of my childhood hanging out with my big sister and the next half helping babysit the younger sister and brother. I am pissed that I had to help raise my little brother and sister, but couldn't be a Mom to my own child. But the person besides, myself that I blame the most is my Mom. Will I ever forgive her? I don't know. She hasn't been in my life very much at all. She ignores me. Everyone says it's her guilt.
Again, I am going to say that it makes me sick if anyone in my family has been invading my space. I know it's online and a lot of people can read it. However, it was never meant to be in the hands of parents, sisters, brothers, or Izz's parents. This was for me. If your family and reading this I ask two things. Fess up to me. Tell me that you have been here and then don't come back. if you want to know more just ask me. I would love to talk about Izzy. Sometimes it's hard, because I have been living in silence.
All, I have left to say is that I hope that this can continue to be a safe spot for me to write and get support from others who get adoption.
I started writing the adoption related blog when I seen another Birthmother doing it. I thought writing would be helpful. It gave me a place where I could say what was on my mind without hurting or offending anyone in my real life. When, I noticed that anyone who had my normal blog. could read the adoption related one, I started to be tempted to just strike out in anger against my Mom. It was too easy to just strike and not think about if I was hurting her.
So, I created this blog and erased the other one. This blog has given me the freedom to express my greif, my sorrows, my disappointments, and even my moments of happiness. I didn't have to worry if I stepped on any family members toes. Also, I wasn't temted to strike out in anger with my goal to hurt somoene. Sometimes, I feel like she hurt me and I am going to hurt her. Well, my thinking like that isn't going to solve anything.
On top of just writing, I have found a group of people who I have connected with that I probably wouldn't have had the chance in real life. I have learned a lot from adoption from all sides. I feel that I carry less anger towards my daughter's adoptive parents, because of them. It's been a wonderful support system. It doesn't replace the face to face support system that I need, but hey at least it's something.
I won't say who said what and who might be reading, but I have heard that one of my family members has tracked this blog down by watching the people I follow on my other blog. I am not sure if they are confused and had been reading the one I got rid of or not.
The thought that they took the time to search it out makes me sick. Why not come to me if somoene has questions. Why read my most personal thoughts if you can't come to me and say "Hey I know your hurting, is there anything I can do" Or say, "I can't imagine what's it's been like for you, can you explain more about what happened"
The pastor wife says that I shouldn't blame sisters or brothers for not speaking of the adoption or my daughter, and I suppose she is right. But I can hold them for reading my most personal thoughts.
Just in case family is still reading. I do write about my issues. My parents were not there for me when I needed them the most. I followed my older sister around men who were much older than me and I fell for one of them. I had sex and I am not innocent. I don't regret my daughter and the only think I regret when it comes to her is that I can't remember Todd's last name. I feel like that's a part of history that I should be able to give Izzy if she wants it.
I spent the first half of my childhood hanging out with my big sister and the next half helping babysit the younger sister and brother. I am pissed that I had to help raise my little brother and sister, but couldn't be a Mom to my own child. But the person besides, myself that I blame the most is my Mom. Will I ever forgive her? I don't know. She hasn't been in my life very much at all. She ignores me. Everyone says it's her guilt.
Again, I am going to say that it makes me sick if anyone in my family has been invading my space. I know it's online and a lot of people can read it. However, it was never meant to be in the hands of parents, sisters, brothers, or Izz's parents. This was for me. If your family and reading this I ask two things. Fess up to me. Tell me that you have been here and then don't come back. if you want to know more just ask me. I would love to talk about Izzy. Sometimes it's hard, because I have been living in silence.
All, I have left to say is that I hope that this can continue to be a safe spot for me to write and get support from others who get adoption.
Friday, September 4, 2009
I have reasons to believe that there is a good chance that some family members have tracked down this blog from looking at the adoption related blogs that I follow even on my normal blog. It just makes me sick to my stomach that some of them have been reading this. After, I feel that I can address this a litttle better I will. Just too shocked to do it now.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I had a couple really bad weeks. I have a hard time asking for help so I don't tend to make my needs known that I want to see them again. When I was really down I called Pastor K wanting to talk to his wife. A week went by without them calling me back. A lot of thoughts went through my head. I wondered did they get tired of me? Were they too busy? Are they tired of hearing about pain about my daughter? Did Pastor K get called off on some mission and it's nothing personal. I tried to stay positive and not take it as a personal thing against me. I went back and forth with it. I had to keep telling myself that the lack of contact is nothing against me.
I was able to meet with Pastor k last night. His wife couldn't make it so it was just the two of us. He was deeply sorry for not returning my call, but I told him how during the service last week how I was still really sad and then the verse that they told me to read was mentioned. I told him how that reassured me that L (his wife) was still with me. She didn't leave me. He says that God has his ways of taking care of our needs. By their lack of contact, I was able to see for myself that they didn't just wash their hands of me.
Pastor K thinks that a lot of my healing is going to of course come from praying. Also, he is strongly encouraging me to face my family. Not facing them as in anger, but letting them know that I am hurting. That sometimes I want to talk about my daughter. He knows that I have been running my life by fear and can understand why, but now I have to work on having trust.
It's been just wonderful talking to him and his wife. Sometimes, I still wonder are they going to get tired of me? Also, I wonder how do they find a equal balance of helping me and others without letting that cut into too much family time.
I know I have a lot of healing left to do, but I am doing so much better. A year ago, I would be all over the 18Th birthday as a reason to contact Izzy. Now I know that it's probably not best for her at this moment. Not that admitting that doesn't hurt. I just want to do what I think is best. I think I need to heal more before I think of adding Izzy to the mix. Not that I would turn her way if she contacted me. Just as of right now, I have no plans in trying to contact her.
We did learn from the IL registry that to the best of their knowledge after she is 18 years old it's not breaking any laws to contact her. I wish I could know for sure one way or another. It makes me feel like I have more options down the road.
I was able to meet with Pastor k last night. His wife couldn't make it so it was just the two of us. He was deeply sorry for not returning my call, but I told him how during the service last week how I was still really sad and then the verse that they told me to read was mentioned. I told him how that reassured me that L (his wife) was still with me. She didn't leave me. He says that God has his ways of taking care of our needs. By their lack of contact, I was able to see for myself that they didn't just wash their hands of me.
Pastor K thinks that a lot of my healing is going to of course come from praying. Also, he is strongly encouraging me to face my family. Not facing them as in anger, but letting them know that I am hurting. That sometimes I want to talk about my daughter. He knows that I have been running my life by fear and can understand why, but now I have to work on having trust.
It's been just wonderful talking to him and his wife. Sometimes, I still wonder are they going to get tired of me? Also, I wonder how do they find a equal balance of helping me and others without letting that cut into too much family time.
I know I have a lot of healing left to do, but I am doing so much better. A year ago, I would be all over the 18Th birthday as a reason to contact Izzy. Now I know that it's probably not best for her at this moment. Not that admitting that doesn't hurt. I just want to do what I think is best. I think I need to heal more before I think of adding Izzy to the mix. Not that I would turn her way if she contacted me. Just as of right now, I have no plans in trying to contact her.
We did learn from the IL registry that to the best of their knowledge after she is 18 years old it's not breaking any laws to contact her. I wish I could know for sure one way or another. It makes me feel like I have more options down the road.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Dear Izzy
Your birthday is fast approaching. It's so hard for me to accept that you are going to be 18 years of age. It's weird to think how I am 33 years old and you are soon to be 18 years. That's a big difference in ages, but then again it's not really that big. My husband is 16 years older than me. I am sure to you that 33 seems old, but when your my age you probably will think different.
It's been 18 years since I last held you in my arms. It seems like a lifetime ago, but if I close my eyes, I can see that day. You were a beautiful baby girl. I remember dressing you for the trip home to your new home. I believe it was a yellow or green sleeper that once belong to one of my cousins. Oh, how I wish life could have been different. But, I have to accept life for what it is.
You are my daughter, but I don't know you. You have grown up not knowing who I am. I wonder did you grow up knowing that I was loving you from afar. Do you believe it in your heart that I am loving and missing you.
Your birthday's in general are hard on me. I wish I could say that it's a day of happiness, but I would be lying. Every birthday without you has been a year lost. Lots of parenting and loving that I didn't get to enjoy. Please don't get me wrong. I have never had doubts about bringing you into this world. I don't regret you at all. You were wanted and loved by me. I really haven't written to you about why you were placed for adoption. I think that's better if it's done in person.
The attacks on your 10Th birthday has made your birthday even worse for me. It's a almost daily reminder of you and my missing you. I hate that your birthday is associated with a terrible event. Although, I have gained a greater appreciate for police officers, firemen and rescure workers. I have always thought men in uniform are so cute!
Izzy, if I could only give you one bit of advice this would be it. Stay young! Don't be in a hurry to fall for Mr Right. Don't be in a hurry to make lots of money at a job. Don't become a Mom at a young age. So stay young. You should sneak a little more time in for just being a kid. There is plenty of time for the fun (boring) grown up stuff.
It's been 18 years since I last held you in my arms. It seems like a lifetime ago, but if I close my eyes, I can see that day. You were a beautiful baby girl. I remember dressing you for the trip home to your new home. I believe it was a yellow or green sleeper that once belong to one of my cousins. Oh, how I wish life could have been different. But, I have to accept life for what it is.
You are my daughter, but I don't know you. You have grown up not knowing who I am. I wonder did you grow up knowing that I was loving you from afar. Do you believe it in your heart that I am loving and missing you.
Your birthday's in general are hard on me. I wish I could say that it's a day of happiness, but I would be lying. Every birthday without you has been a year lost. Lots of parenting and loving that I didn't get to enjoy. Please don't get me wrong. I have never had doubts about bringing you into this world. I don't regret you at all. You were wanted and loved by me. I really haven't written to you about why you were placed for adoption. I think that's better if it's done in person.
The attacks on your 10Th birthday has made your birthday even worse for me. It's a almost daily reminder of you and my missing you. I hate that your birthday is associated with a terrible event. Although, I have gained a greater appreciate for police officers, firemen and rescure workers. I have always thought men in uniform are so cute!
Izzy, if I could only give you one bit of advice this would be it. Stay young! Don't be in a hurry to fall for Mr Right. Don't be in a hurry to make lots of money at a job. Don't become a Mom at a young age. So stay young. You should sneak a little more time in for just being a kid. There is plenty of time for the fun (boring) grown up stuff.
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