Friday, August 31, 2012


I had a very bad dream last night. It sort of threw me thru a loop. In my dream, I gave birth to three babies and I don't have a clue if these were single births or triplets. I have dreamed of having babies before but never dreamed of having 3 in one night.

All the babies were boys. I have never had a dream of giving birth to a girl. It's as if my mind is protecting my heart from going there but there is still the damn factor another boy.

The most disturbing part of the dream is that two of the babies were placed for adoption and one was kept. It was heartbreaking and adoption wasn't something I wanted to do.

I suppose the dream happened cause Izzy's 21st birthday is less than two weeks away.

I remember being dispointed that I was having a boy with my first son. (real life) I wanted a daughter so bad.

I remember being crushed when I found out my son child to be raised by me was going to be a son too. I remember the guilt I felt for crying about not getting a daughter when I should have been happy that my baby was looking healthy. Then, sad cause how come I can't have a girl. Everyone else gets them. Everyone else tells me how you want a girl and you should be happy you don't have daughters.

How many of you dream about giving birth? Is it something only women that have done it and dream about? I wonder how many birthmothers dream about giving children up for adoption in their dreams. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last time.

My poor husband got kneed or kicked in the back by me. I had forgotten about it until he mentioned it. Then, I remembered how I softly rubbed his back where I had nailed him. He joked about it as in I rubbed his back so he would think being kicked was a dream.

The part I don't understand is in my dreams am I giving the babies away because they are boys? Am I having child after child trying to get a girl? But out of the three I kept one baby boy so that just doesn't make sense.

I don't know if I can ever be at 100% peace at not giving birth to a second daughter. I do feel that I have been blessed with a step daughter and a grand daughter even though she is a stinker. LOL I am very lucky to be in reunion with Izzy. I may not have the relationship that my heart craves but I do know her and have contact.

Lastly, I want to add that I have never once regretted having boys. I have regretted not having another child for a shot at raising a daughter.

1 comment:

A Life Being Lived said...

I'm so sorry about your dream. I've had a lot of dreams about having babies, only after my adoption placement. I had never had those dreams prior to my adoption. The birthdates are trigger dates, even if we don't consciously remember them. Sending you love and hugs, and feelings of peace right now. No matter how much time has passed anniversaries are still hard.