Saturday, August 18, 2012


I have blogged about my dinner experience with Izzy in my private blog. I won't go into too many details here but basically my daughter asked to borrow my cell phone while I was still eating to arrange a ride home.

I normally probably eat at an average speed but when I am with Izzy I tend to focus more on the conversation and eat slower cause I am just so into her. However, I don't eat like turtle speed so I thought her arranging for the ride in twenty minutes was rude. We could have still left in 20 or 30 minutes but the fact she had to arrange the ride and put a time limit on how much longer out outing would last.

I was talking to my best friend about this and how I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone besides her. She thinks I should talk to Izzy and let her know how it bothered me and basically said if she doesn't know she upset me how is it ever going to get better.

My friend thinks we should be past the stage where I am afraid she will run away if she hears something she doesn't like. I am so on the fence with it. I don't have the same secuity with my relationship with Izzy that I do with my two sons.

I have years of memories of good and bad times with my children and no matter what I do they will always be my sons and I will always be their Mom. I try to teach them to take care of themselves but in the end I hope my kids will know that I will do my best to help them if they are down in out.

I am not Izzy's Mom nor do I have years of memories that bond us together. I can't know for sure if Izzy will take what I say to heart and look for ways to improve our relationship or say to hell with ya.

I have to figure out if it's something I want to risk. We been in reunion for almost two years now and I still don't feel like we are making a dent in having a good relationship. I don't know what makes Izzy tick and she doesn't know what makes me me.

When we talk to each other during our speed dating is how I kind am looking at it. I don't feel like we are really learning about each other. It almost felt like she was interviewing my family for a job interview. We talk about stuff but barely get past the surface of what's going on in our life.

I will never not be there for Izzy but I just don't like things the way they are going right now. I know I need to step back and remember how I felt all those years just wishing for someone to send me a bone of information or just a picture. I was desperate to know more and the truth is that I never know if I will ever feel like I get enough.

What would you do? Would you continue with seeing her and not say anything about the speed dating? Or would you try to get to the bottom of why she always seem to be in a hurry. As in do I make her uncomforable? Is she feeling pressureed by family not to spend time with me?

I guess the reality of that I am tired of feeling second best. I do get that when she comes into town that majority of time will be spent with her family. I can deal with it. However, I feel like the time frame she has been willing to give is almost not worth the meeting. I hope that doesn't sound bad. I just feel like I don't come area from the experience of knowing her better and my feelings of self worth just happens to go down the drain when she is cutting our time short before I can even finish eating.

It's not about the food even though I consider going out for a treat and want the best value for my money. I just feel like she is thinking all about herself and doesn't think how the same action might make her feel bad.


Lorraine Dusky said...

Yow! That is the question, can we act like we would normally around our found children? In general, the answer is no, because.

When my daughter was living with us, I could be more or less "normal," but years later, after she was married and we had a good relationship for a couple of years with any major hiccups, I expressed my annoyance that for the very first time she was coming to New York without me paying for a ticket and she was coming the only weekend that I would not be here. My daughter was coming to tryout for a game show but it was a cattle call, and she could have signed up for another weekend when they had the tryout, instead of just going along with the day assigned her and a thousand other people. She would be staying with a friend of ours--and now hers--in Manhattan. When I told her I was annoyed with her coming that weekend instead of another, she cut off contact for several months. Is that normal behavior from an adult?

So, tread carefully, but you might tell her before you see her next time you would like to spend more time with her at dinner, and not feel like you were speed dating. And good luck.

Wendy said...

I think if I were in your shoes, I would talk to Izzy about it. Would it be possible for you to talk to her on the phone sometime soon? Maybe you could let her know how much you looked forward to getting together with her, but also let her know that you felt a bit hurt with how she called about getting a ride while you were still visiting.

It's definitely something that's been on your mind, and I know how I am...I'm better off if I say something when something is bothering me rather than keeping it all inside.

You could try to phrase it in a nice way and just say you wished she had been a little more focused on the time you had together and how important it is to you.

kathy said...

change your perspective. stop the meal visit. go get a starbucks or frozen yogurt. Maybe a bookstore. then return her.
Love her but let her have the time control. If shes stepping back maybe she isnt capable of more right now.