Thursday, August 2, 2012
It got me thinking about how ironic that in just a few short years compared to my long overall longing for a daughter that I ended up with two daughters.
Two daughters who both have another Mother. One daughter is biologically mine and no one can contest that since we look very much alike. One daughter is my husband's daughter so that makes her my stepdaughter.
The other Mother part has at times been a hard thing for me to get past. I felt as if since I didn't raise them that they didn't need me. I didn't know where I fit in with my stepdaughter and the reality hit me like a ton of books that the same situation went with my daughter too.
If I was super religious and believed in God and his plans for us I would wonder if this was a funny joke that I went from only being a Mom to two sons to having two daughters but I am not their Mom.
For the record, I have a stepson but I haven't ever felt any bad emotions over him. I just accepted him as he came. However, with my stepdaughter, especially before reunion, I felt like I was cheating on Izzy if I had a relationship with my stepdaughter. I know that sounds silly but it's how I felt.
I remember finding this little red headed doll and falling in love with it and I knicked named it the (insert name of step daughter) doll. I thought that the doll might sort of look how she looked as a young kid and that was around the time reality hit me that I didn't know if I could fit in with her cause she had a Mom and didn't need a second one.
Alot of time as passed and I have very different relationships with both girls. I see my step daughter quite often cause my husband babysit's our grand daughter. I am Nana to her child and I believe that with us having her daughter with us so much that has helped us be closer than we would otherwise.
We really don't hang out and stuff. I do give my step daughter gifts for birthdays and Christmas if I can afford it. I love that I have another daughter to spoil. There is just something exciting about choosing gifts for a girl and I am overjoyed that not only do I have two daughters but I have a grand daughter too. My step daughter has given gifts back and while I don't give gifts to recieve them it's nice that she takes the time to think about me. Izzy hasn't really given me any gifts besides a tshirt that she gave me that she held onto for a whole year before she remembered to give it to me. Then, there is the picture of our first dinner all alone. But mostly it's just me that gives her gifts and not the other way around.
When it comes to talking to my daughter there are times I feel guilty like it's more one sided me trying to engage her in conversation and at times I feel second best to her Mom. Izzy moved away and soon her Mom is making another trip to see them on her birthday and the last trip just a few weeks ago was the boyfriends birthday. I get to feeling if I loved her enough I would find a way to go. It doesn't matter that I am strugging with bills and how my husband is soon to lose his unemployment and how unless my ex finds a new job asap we are going to lose child support for a month or more. I feel bad that I didn't send the boyfriend a birthday gift but I can't afford to start doing that. I will feel like I always have to do it.
I struggle with am I suppose to love both daughters the same? I would be lying if I said I love them equally and I just don't want to lie about that. I wondered when I posted the picture about my daughter's does that make Izzy jealous?? When I see Izzy post stuff about her Mom it stings a little for me. Also, i feel the sting a little bit when my step daughter gets nails and feet done with her Mom. It's not that I want to take those moments and start doing that with my step daughter cause honestly I can't afford it anymore. But it stings because Izzy is no longer here for me to do those fun girl things with her if I could afford it.
I think I will wrap this up with saying that even though I am not the Mama and I have to share with them with their Mom's I am glad for the chance at reunion and the memories. I know that someday I will be able to give Izzy the scrapbook that I started before I had a clue that there would be a reunion.
I am also glad that my step daughter has accepted me in her father's and her life and seem to understand that there can't be too many Grandmother figures in her daughter's life. I don't get to spend as much time with my grand daughter as I would like but I really enjoy her.
This week she was out of bubbles and I said Nana will get you some more bubbles. She brought me my shoes. It was so cute. So, I decided that we would go get bubbles and some ice cream. We went to McDonald's and I hear Sponge Bob!!! I wouldn't stop with just ice cream. We shared an happy meal and each had our own ice cream and she got Sponge Bob. It's the little moments like that just melts my heart.