Thursday, August 16, 2012

just my thoughts

I was a little nervous at the idea of meeting my husband's father. Years ago, when my husband told me about his Dad not being around it never occurred to me that he would be sitting on my couch.

First, I was amazed at how much they look alike and how at ease I felt after just a few minutes sitting there with him. My husband and I have had many conversations about him after it was discovered his children were friends with him on facebook. I would never want to force an issue on my husband. However, I think I could relate to his father in some ways that others couldn't because of my birthmother status and reunion with my daughter. I can only imagine how I would have felt if Izzy rejected me for contact. It hasn't been perfect and sure hasn't been easy and at times walking away has felt like the right thing to do for my heart. Actually, at times I have wished I could care less so I wouldn't have to carry so much pain at only being given a small portion of Izzy's life. I will never be Mom no matter how much I wish it were true.

I had no idea what we would talk about with his father. The conversation flowed pretty easily and we looked at some pictures he brought. One picture was Dad and son when Dad was twenty. He said, something to the idea of it's kind of young to be married and with a kid. He then touched me on my shoulder and made a comment about a baby at 15. I was called out but in a fun way.

I guess before I came home my husband had showed off my pictures of Izzy and my blog. It's amazing at the changes in my husband when it comes to Izzy and this blog. He never understood my need to write or my desire to know my daughter. He thought things were just best to be left alone.

The truth is that I am not very comfortable speaking about my daughter so I was a little caught off guard with it being brought up but he did tell me a nice reunion story so it helped it took the focus off of me.

It's kind of cool that he shared my blog and my story of my daughter. I think my life as a birthmom is what made me feel more open to the idea of my husband accepting his Dad back into his life. I feel like his pain could be my pain. I hope that doesn't sound goofy. Our stories are not the same. I lost my child at birth and for reasons that might or might not make sense to others he lost his two children after a divorce.

I don't know where time will take them. No matter what the years are gone. It can't be relived. Can they ever be a traditional role of father and son? I don't think anymore so that I have a chance at living in a traditional role of mother and daughter with Izzy. Maybe, they can build on the lost years and go from there. Only time will tell.

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