Sunday, June 12, 2011

I don't normally share too much about my reunion on this public blog for privacy reasons but I just feel like the need to blog about this subject out in the open.

After, sending my Dad a picture of my daughter and my two sons in a picture with me. He asks when can he meet her? I said, I would ask but no stepmom.

Before, I even got an answer if she would be willing to meet my Dad. He calls me to tell me she is invited to his cookout in a couple weeks. I have been given some good advice ranging from not inviting her to inviting her and letting her decide.

My heart tells me to say nothing and don't invite her. But there is this lingering feeling that it's her choice not mine to make.

I feel like a rotten birthmom. I don't want my daughter there. Mostly, it's because I just can't imagine anything good happening from her meeting about a dozen people in that way. She would be meeting my Dad, his wife, my husband, my brother, my step brother and his wife and their kids for the first time. I just think that's too much for her.

I also think it's too much for me. The whole idea of a bunch of people looking at me with my daughter in a family setting makes me feel ill. I guess it could be the questions. Or, maybe it's because for years no one gave a damn about my daughter and now suddenly they want to be a part of it. Maybe, it's cause if we all pretend she belongs to our family that it will all seem fake. Maybe, it's cause she should be my daughter and none of this weird stuff would have mattered if family didn't disappoint me years ago.

I just think it's too soon. I haven't even had my daughter to my place. I haven't even met her one on one yet. I don't want to risk making her feel weird and she doesn't contact me for months or worse.

It's such a hard situation to be in. Forever, it made me sad that no one else cared. Now, I want to tell all these people to back off. I want to be proud that I have a daughter and yet not share it. It's not shame or anything. It's just that she is mine. I can't be her only Mom and I just don't feel like sharing very much.

The main reason I have agreed to ask about my Dad meeting her is because his health isn't the best and while I don't expect that he will die anytime soon. I don't want to have the regrets of not allowing him the chance to meet her.

This adoption stuff is hard.

Reunion is hard too. I wish it was easier. I wish there wasn't so much at stake that at any moment I could crumble to the ground with a crushing pain that could ruin me.


~Katie said...

You're a wonderful birthmother to your daughter. I agree that it just sounds like too much. You're a mother and it's your job to protect your children. You can foresee the uncomfortableness and awkward situation it would most likely be for her (and you) which is something she may not be able to. if it were my decision to make, I may sit down with her and explain the situation and encourage these relationships to happen slowly so that some level of trust can be developed. I just don't know that I would trust your families true intentions of all the sudden wanting to throw her into this setting. Sounds selfish to me. Sorry if I said too much... Thinking of you.

Angelle said...

I suggest that you take control and slow this process down.

Meeting your dad is one thing but the whole family at once will be too overwhelming for all involved, especially you.

You are the adult here and this is your decision to make. I speak from experience.

Campbell said...

Ok, I didn't know the rest of the info you've described here!

You know, what you think and feel matters too. If you're this unsure about the BBQ you need to factor that in when making your decision. Everything you say here is legit and although you don't know your daughter as well as you'd like, you do know yourself and all the people who will be at your dad's.

If your intuition is that this isn't way to go, maybe you're right. Can you discuss some of your concerns with your daughter?

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks Katie ..... I think you hit something right on the head with the not trusting my family intentions and truth is that I been upset that they had the nerve to want to ask to meet her in that way. Only thinking of themselves and not how my daughter or myself would feel.
Angelle... Thanks for your advice. It's so helpful to hear the thoughts of others.
Campbell... I wrote my daughter last night and said I been thinking about it for a couple days and told her how I didn't want to keep the invite from her so I did invite her. However, I told her that when I think of how weird it would feel for her and how my step mom is a bitch and would stick her foot in her mouth several times that I would totally understand if she didn't or couldn't want to come. I told her I would never want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable.
We really haven't had any serious conversations face to face because she always comes with her boyfriend.
Thanks again to everyone for the advice and support.

Wendy said...

birthmother talks...I hope that whatever your daughter decides to do, it works out okay. I agree that it might be really overwhelming for her to meet that many people at once, but it's good that you gave her the option.

You definitely have her best interests at heart.

Laurel said...

I'm with you, Cristy. I feel your hesitation...and to be honest, her not prob a good thing! For all of you! (Yet, the invite is touching and I imagine it means a lot more than you think, to your daughter, too.)

I remember the first time I went to my bmom's town...with my parents and bro in tow (I was still in high school). We went down for an afternoon...and ended up going to my bmom's mother's house. Her mother was adorable. But, she invited the entire family/friends to her 'see' me. lol I can laugh's actually a sweet memory, but at the time, it was wayyyy overwhelming. Like I say, now...there's one child/adoptee...and then there's a gazillion birthfamily relatives.

Adoption is hard. Reunion is just as hard. There are no go with your gut. You're an amazing, amazing, woman. You know how I feel about you.


Susie said...

I think the biggest thing in all of this is that your first meeting in person should be just the two of you. And that is not being selfish in my opinion. You and your daughter need to establish your own relationship before adding the extended family into the reunion.

birthmothertalks said...

Susie... sorry if I wrote something that was confusing to understand. I met my daughter for the first time in October but we have yet to just see each other without anyone else coming with. She always brings her boyfriend and we have gotten together twice with my sons now.