Saturday, June 18, 2011

I haven't been up to blogging.

I have been going through some hard times. My husband was fired and suddenly there is a lot of pressure on me to cover all our bills and household cost. Plus, it's summer which means more free time than normal and I was upset thinking we couldn't have our summer time fun.

I am shocked how fast what seems like an happy household can just go downhill at a fast pace. I been feeling like my husband's patience is getting too thin and haven't liked how harsh he has been to my youngest son. I get that my son is special needs and can get very difficult to get through. I am thinking it must be the stress of the losing his job because he normally was pretty good with him.

However, there are feelings of mine that sneak up and sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't love us enough because we are his second family. Or, he doesn't enjoy doing things with us because we are his second family. He is 51 and I am 35 years of age. For the first time, I am wondering does age really matter? He has almost zero interest in having sex and I know a big part of that is that he quit drinking. But come on it's been 2 years! How long will that go on? Also, the stories of amazement of difference in life. How long will it go on? My youngest son is old enough to forget that I married a drunk but if he keeps talking about it then he will always remember it. I suppose if he is talking about how good life is since he quit then it is better than if he was telling stories of partying.

When the going is going rough about things going on with my son about this or that and we keep not getting anywhere with our problem. He will say, " I give up, I don't care" One. if it's important enough to try to find an solution then it's never okay to give up. I can't afford to ever give up on my kids. Frustrated? Yes. Not sure what to try next? Yes. But to give up on my children. Never. I can't help but feel if they were his first children, first family that he wouldn't just give up. I understand that he is in a different boat this time around. He is their stepfather and that does make a difference because their Dad does have influence over them. But if he loves me like he says he does then how can he just give up?

I been feeling mad about how mad I get to feeling about the loss of income. I know it's not his fault but it still gets to me. I remember how patient my husband was with me when I didn't have any hours at his job. I wish I could be more patience in getting through these times. I wish I had more faith in that things will turn back around for us.

I did manage to find a way to feel better about summer. I applied for a discount for our park district and it got us a 75% discount on many programs. I paid and arranged him to go to one week of overnight summer camp at this local park we visit often. It's not until early August but it's perfect timing for school and the free summer camp playground park ends at that time.

We were able to buy a pack of tickets for him for 25.00. This gives him lots of swimming and other fun activities to stay busy this summer.

I feel a lot better knowing that we will still find things to do even though we might not always have extra money laying around. The best part about the local pools is that they let you bring in a cooler so no high priced meals or soda.

It's kind of a shocker to me how one minute everything seems fine and the next your husband is telling me that maybe we need a marriage counselor to talk things through. As of right now, I can a counselor help us? I really can't afford it and can I sleep with him? Just kidding. I am committed but talking about how I don't get it isn't going to help.

I been working on this blog post for a few days now and yesterday (Sunday) it was really hot and after my son went to bed, I took a shower and put on some short shorts and a skimpy shirt and slept that way. When I got up and was waiting for my grand daughter, I go into the bedroom and say, I am getting a different shirt. He said, your fine. You been doing it right. I don't have a clue on what he meant. Was he trying to tell me that I should be dressing skimpy?

There are times where I feel like my husband does accept me for the way I am. I told him how I thought of cooking meat loaf but I got too lazy and that's why I did KFC. He says, "that's my girl" Or when I run into stuff, he accepts it as part of me.

Well, I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this horrible time but maybe just venting about it.

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