Saturday, February 28, 2009


As a birth Mom, I have a lot of guilt. I didn't tell anyone, but the birthfather that I was pregnant and even him all I said was I think I am pregnant. I never even took a test. I don't recall seeing the birth father too much past the time I did tell him that I thought I was pregnant.
So I went through the pregnancy without any prenatal care. As a 14 year old, I didn't know how important that was. As far as I am aware she was born healthy. I know she was discharged after she was 24 hours old. The odd thing is that between my three births, she was the only one who came home, only after 24 hours. The other two had to stay a extra day or two. To leave a hospital without your baby after placing a child is enough to make you drop to the floor.
So anyways, back to the guilt. I beat myself up. I lied to my Mom and told her that I had been raped. I didn't even tell her that I was pregnant, until I was in labor. I didn't plan to say what I did, I just did it. Also, at the time, I didn't know that I would lose my child. By the time, she was born, I didn't even know how to locate the birth father and I had forgotten his last name, because it was difficult to say. So I carry guilt, because I called rape. I had just turned 15 before she was born, so he was sleeping with a 14 year old. Maybe it was a crime, but it wasn't rape.
A couple years after she was Todd seen me at my place of employment. He had heard that I placed my baby for adoption. He knew it was his child. I carry guilt, because I barely was willing to talk to him and was actually very afraid of him. I could see the pain in his eyes. I told him very little information and dumb me didn't even find out his last name. I just wanted to get away from him. It didn't help that I was about to be married to someone who didn't know the real truth either. I used to never want to see Todd again. I was angry with him. However, now I am willing to see that me not telling anyone that I was pregnant, he might not have believed me and just thought it was a plea from me so we wouldn't break up.

My biggest guilt that I live with is wondering what Izzy has been told. Did they pass on the information that I told my family? I would hate for Izzy to grow up thinking she was a product of rape. I will be honest that for many, many years, I didn't think of her as a real person who would grow. I just imagined a baby. I worry that Izzy will be very upset if she really thinks I was raped. I also carry a lot of guilt, because I can't tell her who her birth father is. I can't tell her why he didn't stay around. It has taken many years to see that there might be more to it than him just running. My family moved during my pregnancy. So there is a chance that he just didn't know where I was. I have this desire to see him again. First, I want to know his last name, so if Izzy wants to see him, she can. Second, I want answers on what the hell happened. Did he run, because he was too old for me and scared of legal action. Did he just not really know that I was pregnant? Was he just not ready to be a parent? So I guess besides knowing him for Izzy, I want closure. I am still in the same town. I no longer afraid of him. He can't destroy my marriage anymore. Because I told my new husband the whole truth. When I go places, I actually scan the crowds for him. I am looking at people close enough so if I see him. I can confront him.However, not confront him in the way of being mad at him. I want to just get his side and know how to contact him again if Izzy wants to know him. I still feel guilty, because I would not be willing to share information that I know about her. For at least right now, because she is underage. Guilt is right up there with anger it's hard to get past it.


Andrew's Daddies said...

WOW WOW WOW. First of all being an adoptive parent, you do owe the trust to the child. So knows of his adoption and we have spoke him about it even before he can talk. I would never tell a child they are a product of rape. Even if I knew this to be true, that is not something you tell a child. So I am hoping the parents of Izzy would not say such a thing.
How old is Izzy now?
Keep writing!!!!

birthmothertalks said...

Izzy turned 17 on 9/11. The attacks that happened on 9/11 has increased the reminders of my daughter's birthday.