Saturday, February 14, 2009

More about Mom

Continued from the last post. My tiny bit of a relationship I had with my Mom has been really strained for a few reasons. On my blog that I gave out to family, I posted my true feelings about how hurt I was because my son asked how come he didn't have a sister. I was hurt and let the anger out over my Mom forcing me to place Izzy and my sister mentioned really quickly about the blog. Another thing that has strained it is the fact that I held a Thanksgiving Dinner and didn't invite her, but I invited my brother and sister. So it got to her that we had dinner and didn't invite her. My sister said, " Mom was kind of hurt" I told her that I am not going to have a one sided relationship and not going to pretend all is well for a holiday.
Both my brother and sister have asked my husband if I am mad at Mom and he said he told them the truth.
My husband gets mad at me, because he feels that my issues effect our marriage. So one day, he called my Mom up and asked her questions about the adoption. It wasn't a good conversation. I believe I already posted about that.
So I decided to try and write my Mom a letter. It came off so so mean. I wanted to make her hurt. But the good in me couldn't send it. I decided to wait a while. So about a week ago, I tried to start over. I decided to try to get my points across in a shorter letter and tone it down a bit. It still came off so mean and bitter.
I want her to know how it felt to not raise my own child. How it feels to not be trusted with pictures, and I feel like she is partly to blame, because my aunt told me, your Mom told me not to give you this picture. It was the last one I was given. It pisses me off that my Mom would speak for me when I was of age and not living with her. What gave her that fucking right?
The big question I want answered from my Mom is how does she know Izzy is in a good home? It is because they were approved to adopt? Their are good parents and bad parents and I believe both can somehow manage to have kids. So I want her to tell me how she knows she is in a good home. The only information I have heard from my aunt is that she is well off. I don't even know if she means well off.. they have a lot of money or well off that she is doing good.
My biggest reason for not sending the letter is because, I don't trust my Mom. I don't trust that she won't complain to her sister and then her sister tell her friends who adopted Izzy. I don't want them thinking I am some mean unstable person and use that a reason to not give my daughter permission to meet me after she graduates from school.
So where do I go from here? I am afraid to send the letter. I don't want to talk to her personally about how I feel. I don't want to continue with the way things are now. My Mom still hasn't bothered to call me or make a effort to see me. I don't want to go back to the way things were. That if my Mom is in my life, I make all the effort, and then I get angry, because she doesn't treat my sisters and brother the same way.
We all tend to hang out at the same restaurants so there is always the chance for seeing her when it's not planned. One time, I said hi Mom as I passed her. We sat in the booth across from her and she ignored all of us, but my sister and brother paid attention to us.
About a week ago, I was sitting with my Dad and my little sister and my Mom and guy friend walks in. They go right to a table and don't say hello. So because I want to be the better person. When it was time for me to leave. I went over and said hi and asked her how she was doing? I think she was shocked that I was talking to her. So Then I put my hand on her back and told her Thank you for allowing my sister to copy your pictures. Then I said I had to go and left for school.
I really do appreciate my Mom allowing her to bring over her life time of pictures for me. It gives me so much joy to have my childhood pictures, and even found some from when my son was a baby that I had either lost or just didn't take too many. The pictures will make my scrap book more complete, because after all the book is about me and what I love.
I really just don't know what to do. I used to be able to accept my Mom the she is, but that is when I thought she treated us the same. Maybe it's because of the guilt, but I am not the only one, My mom has done wrong by. She tried to force my older sister to have a abortion and my sister didn't talk or see her for the first couple years of my neices life. My little sister was treated so wrongly by her second husband and he went jail for it. When he was home from bail. she made my sister move out. My sister is much younger than me, and sometimes does talk about our Mom in a negative way. She has said that she was a bad Mom. But overall I see that my sister is in my Mom's life. I believe my Mom will jump through hoops at this time for her, but when I need or want something, I feel as if I am not wanted. I recall one time, I asked her if she could babysit our son and she said what time. I said.. about 2:30 to six o'clock. So she said after the time. I got a..... migraine. At this time, I think it's pretty equal to my hurt comes from. About half is from the adoption and being forced to babysit and the way I was treated after the adoption and the half is because she ignores me and my family.
Where do I go from here, I am not so sure. life sure does suck sometimes.


birthmom1986 said...

I don't know if you read my blog or not, but I struggle with the same issues as you. My mother and I had a volatile relationship to say the least. Up until the day she died, and we never did "make peace." People told me to make peace, but how in the hell are you going to make peace with the only person who is supposed to be there for you and they make you give up your kid? It affected everything. Your husband is probably right. I found that for years, and even now, I maintain a faint distance in all of my relationships except for my kept son and my daughter that I'm reunited with. To them, I give them all. To everyone else, I'm able to distance myself to a small extreme. It is sad, but it is how it is with me.
Read my blog. I'm sure that we have much in common. I hear your pain, I have been there and continue to deal with it. Especially when I go to my mother's grave and feel....nothing.

birthmothertalks said...

I have read your blog and I felt like I could have written it myself. It's the first blog that hit home the most. I don't know where to go from here with my Mom and I wish their was a way to move past it. Some days I don't want to get past it,because for two reasons. It's not okay that my daughter was placed and part of me has the mean streak that says my Mom hurt me so I am going to hurt her. Although reading your story about reuniting with your daughter gives me hope for the future with my daughter.

birthmom1986 said...

I don't think that there is a way to "move past it". Even when my mother was on her death bed, it was still there. I was hoping to up to her coffin before they closed it and say "I forgive you" but I could not muster the words.
It took me a long time to figure out that some things you can't move past and some things you can't forgive.

Andrew's Daddies said...

Hi Birthmoms!!!
My name is Paul and we adopted a baby boy on Christmas day 2007. We have an open adoption. As I've explained many times, we do not have any limits on the relationship my son and birthmother will/do have. If it were my choice, and clearly it's not, I would want her in his life as much as possible. Of course, provided it is a positive, healthy experience for both. We are a gay couple therefore, I think the "threat" that most adoptive parents feel is non existent. The birth mother can not take our place in our child's life. But instead, can give our son so much more. A feeling of being complete, loved and unique. It is most important for us that our son Andrew have this.
I can not relate to being forced to give your baby up for adoption and I have no right to tell you to feel towards your mom/parents. All I know is, the amount of stress it must cause you to keep these feelings in your heart must be exhausting. I hope your mom can accept some of the fault and she can express how guilty she must feel.
I have an example:
I once did something to a family member, that I felt so very guilty of and instead of going to that family member and saying sorry or opening the lines of communication, I instead avoided her. In her eyes, it would appear that I did not like her or treat her the same as other family members. But in actuality, it was the guilt I felt for what I did to her that I could not face. In my later years, we have mended our relationship. I told her how sorry I was for the mistakes I have made and that I've been wanting to have a relationship with her like it was before the "event".
I think, in a way, it might be what your mom is doing. She is heavy in guilt and does not want to face it, unfortunately, when you are there, you may remind her of regretable mistakes she made in the past. I may be completely off base, but if I'm close, I would only hope that your mom let go of her pride, and accept fault and face her inner demons so she can break free and do what she always wanted to do....Love you, unconditionally, as we all do to our children.