Tuesday, February 10, 2009

about Mom

I have really distance myself from my Mom for two reasons, the first one started to do with my anger issues that floated to the surface over the adoption of my daughter. The second reason is that basically since I was of age, my Mom just hasn't paid any attention to me. Now that doesn't mean that we have gone all these years without talking. It's just always me calling her, or my sister asking are you coming to Mom's for whatever holiday dinner was going on. I was never really asked to come from my Mom. She has only been to my house maybe three times in 14 years, but has drove 12 hours to see her oldest daughter. I hate to admit it, but I was jealous. I want her to want to see me and my family.
One time several years ago, I quit calling to see how long my Mom would take to call me. After six months without any contact, I just gave in and called her. She didn't act one way or another. I feel as my Mom just doesn't care if she sees me or not.
I have decided not to call her or make the effort to see her. Thanksgiving and Christmas went on by without us even talking. I think word got around, because my sister and brother asked my husband if I was mad at my Mom. He told them the truth on both reasons I believe. I have ran into my Mom in the local restaurants and quite a few times I find her sitting with my younger brother and sister, again I am jealous. I want her to call and wish to see me. I used to accept my Mom the way she was, but when I started to see that the way she was is just with me, it became personal. I don't know if I really crave a strong mother daughter relationship, because I don't know if I ever had it. But I at least want her to think about me enough to call me sometimes.
There is a little more to this post, but it's getting long and time for work. I will write more later.

2 comments:

birthmom1986 said...

I hear you. I had a very strained relationship with my mother for years and even almost two years after her death, I don't miss her like I thought that I would.

she made me give up my child for adoption also.

It sucks....

marcy said...

SOMEONE TELL ME HOW THE FUCK YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT YOUR OWN KID WAS TAKEN AWAY AND YOUR FAMILY, THE PEOPLE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TRUST THE MOST IN THIS WORLD, SEE TO IT THAT IT IS DONE?
Then, years later, you come to terms with some things and try to heal a broken relationship with your mother and she dies. Fucking dead. Gone, poof, gone.
We were starting to get close when the divorce happened. I wanted her to tell me that I had to get the son of a bitch when I was nervous about going to court over the child support.
She would tell me that I'd be all right when I would call her crying over some stupid shit, when all it was was that I was scared shitless, being four hours from my family and a single mother.
I believed her when she told me that I'd be okay. She'd be sitting in the nursing home telling me that I'd be okay, that she was there and really, it did make me feel better.
I remember the plant that we got her for her last Mother's Day. She cried. She cried because we took the money to buy it for her, and it was really nice. I think that she knew that it would be the last time that she'd ever have a Mother's Day.
Don't tell me that I have memories. The tears running down my face don't give a shit about memories right now.
Hold me. Tell me it is okay for me to grieve over my own mother. Just thank your lucky stars if you are lucky enough to have a mother, if your partner has been through it when your time comes. Because it is a club that nobody wants to belong to and you have NO FUCKING idea how badly it hurts when she dies than when it happens to you.
I hate being silent when other women talk about their mothers. I hate the silence I get when I talk about my mother. I hate the silence I get when I talk about her death. Sometimes I need to.

But life does go on whether we want it to or not. For a woman, losing your mother is such a hard thing to go through. You hear of other women/girls doing things with their mothers and you think "I wish I could with my mother." I have become one of those women who tell other women who bitch about their mothers that if only they knew how badly it would hurt when they lost their mother.
And this comes from someone whose mother made her give up her firstborn. We had a stormy relationship, but I tried to let a lot go these past few years, especially this last year.