Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My husband always wants me to see adoption from another side of a story. He read a story about a woman who went to a sperm bank and had a child and found out that the man's sperm fathered 55 kids. He doesn't remember where he read it at. So he is using this as one more tool to look at adoption. What I hear him saying is shouldn't the man be just as effected as me, because he gave away his rights to his children.
Well one I don't want to have conversations about adoption with him. I don't think my loss and selling or donating sperm can be compared. If you donate sperm.. I don't think you would be notified that a woman is pregnant, or when the child is born. I don't think a man would sit there and fret about the child's well being and birthdays and feel a huge loss. Maybe I am wrong, but you sold the sperm right? It's not the same as watching your girlfriend stomach grow, watching the birth, holding the baby and loving them. Then to say good bye. I don't think it can be compared. Maybe it would be weird knowing you had bunches of children related by blood. But you wouldn't sit around and think of birthdays and how the child is going to start school.
He keeps saying would I have the right to the child? Could I knock on their door and speak to my child? I know the answer is no to all this in all cases whether it's adoption or selling of sperm. I don't mean any harm to men. I think adoption hurts them too. I just don't think men who donate or sell sperm is walking around carrying the feeling of loss. I just take it as his way of reminding me that I don't have any rights to my daughter and that I should just let her go. He can be such a jerk sometimes.


Andrew's Daddies said...

Even as a male, I don't side with your husband on this. We do not conciously hold on to our sperm for 9 months. It does not grow inside and develop inside of us conciously.
It's true, you do not have any legal rights to your child and if the adopted family would come forward to you and say they prefer not to complicate Izzy's life, you would have to respect their wishes. However, if you are not getting any response then your persistence, I believe, is warranted.
I can't believe you can't talk to your husband about this topic. It is obviously very important to you.
Have you ever spoke to the adoptive parents before?..

Andrew's Daddies said...

yikes...I do know how to spell consciously....

Jenn said...

you need to talk to him about how you're feeling. perhaps he thinks he's actually helping? if there is one thing i've learned, it's that a marriage can't last without proper communication. perhaps with him supporting you in the way you need things might be a bit easier for you. and as for the sperm thing, andrew's daddies is right. you can NEVER compare one ejaculated sperm to a life that grows in you. you don't bond with sperm, love sperm. it's like comparing apples and steak. no comparison at all.