Merry Christmas and letting go

It's Christmas eve already! This year went by fast. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Hope all your wishes and dreams come true tomorrow and the days going forward.



I don't believe I have posted about Alex. He just recently turned 22 years of age. He doesn't get to see his baby much.. I need to get working on that with him with the courts. However, he seems to have found the right girl. They seem to be happy and she has a 7 year old daughter who I think is adorable.

Here comes the letting go part. I collected dolls and paid quite a bit of money to get them. I have just kind of out grew it and haven't been keeping them displayed or even cleaned up.. They just been stored in the closet. I decided I would pull all the dolls out and choose one to give as a Christmas gift to my son's girlfriend's daughter. It wasn't easy to commit to doing that. I almost backed out cause even though I haven't been displaying or paying them much attention they once had been an important part of my life. I have seem to outgrow the need for baby dolls.

I remember when I was collecting them I was in a very bad spot in my life when it came to adoption. I believe I used the dolls as a band aid to cover up my hurt. I bought the dolls on layaway and always looked forward to the day I would pay off a new doll and bring it home. I like to go shopping for clothes for the dolls.. change their clothes.. but litle but little I don't get the same excitement for them.

I choose to give her this doll.



She cleaned up really well. My regret is that I don't have the original dress anymore but this one will do. I think I choose this doll because I feel less attached to it.. All the rest of my dolls besides a bald baby and this red head doll have dark hair and I believe more baby like.. so the struggle to choose this doll was easier compared to the rest.

Someday, I may choose to pass on the rest of my dolls or maybe I might find a spot for them and keep them.. but for now I feel it's best that someone else enjoy this pretty doll.

Izzy received my Christmas gifts I sent her and thanked me on facebook and mentioned how I would be getting something from her.. I got it tonight.. We both sent each other smelly lotion and perfumes ect.. It doesn't surprise me that we do that kind of stuff.

Just think of the shipping costs we could save if we just both agree to "buy our own stuff" haha.. I would never suggest that.. It feels good to have this fun exchange of gifts between us.

I do wonder is the lack of gifts part of the reason she has been distant? I can't answer for her but I know the lack of the acknowledged gift had bothered me and made me less likely to give gifts and the lack of in person visits.. who wants to pay shipping if they are in town..

I really hope our relationship doesn't come down to lotions and stuff. I love her even if I don't get or give gifts.

I have yet to give Izzy her scrapbook.. I haven't worked on it in a long time. I just haven't been in the mood.. but I see there is a expo coming up soon for scrapbooking.. It's a weekend getaway. They have different packages to choose from.. I so badly want to go but going away always make me nervous plus I have to pay for it up front.. I wish I had more time to think about it and decide.

I would be doing the option that gives me one full day, over night and until the next afternoon.. It includes a few meals. I would love to get out there and meet new people and maybe get some motivation to finish the scrapbook and be ready to give it to her.

Has anyone done anything like this before? The deal is 160.00 which isn't bad for over night and a few meals.

Christmas

It's hard to believe it's almost Christmas time already. We had a mild start to winter and just now a few days ago got some snow and cold weather has finally set in. I wish I could set my house down somewhere warmer.
I have chose to make it important to send Izzy a Christmas gift. It's been a few years since I have done Christmas or birthday gifts.. It's partly due to me not getting a response from Christmas gift in the past and me not being able to see her on her birthday even though she is around.

I really don't know if lack of gifts is part of the reason she has been distant.. I am not sending a gift to buy her love and I know I am accepting a chance of being hurt but I just want her to know I am thinking of her. I am guilty of not saving her address so I will try to put it somewhere safe and hopefully start sending things more often.. not gifts or anything but just cards ect.. take her as she comes. I know that is easier said than done. I didn't get much. I got her a Avon set of body powder, perfume and lotion. The truth is I bought it before I knew if she would respond with her address so hell might as well buy something I would like.. so happy to report I am not keeping the gift. I doubt if I will send anything else but who knows.

I am in the market for a new car. My car is still running but the body is rusting out bad and it needs repairs and I have had two mechanics that suggest not fixing the car due to the body..

So.... I have my heart set on a jeep or a suv.. I love the Jeep Cherokee and I like the Ford Explorer or ford Escapes.. I kind of like the sportier SUVS but not sure if they will be too small.. I am being pretty picky.. I want it to be Blue and heated leather seats. I hope it's new enough I can put my phone in the dash thing.. I hope to get something after the new year.

Anyone have any SUV models to suggest?

Tomorrow, my work is having a Christmas open house. We have new owners so no big Christmas party.

Quick update

I haven't wrote in quite sometime. I don't have much to really say these days.. so just a quick update on me.
I started my league on darts using regular darts. It's fun and I am making a little improvement but it's not as the same as my blow gun. Our team seems to do a good job getting more games than the rest. I like having at least one night to get out to mingle with others that doesn't involve sitting down to eat.


I recently hit my ten year mark on my job. It's been a challenging year for both of my clients. One more so than the other.. So I have had to brush up on some skills that I haven't been using at all. My boss is retiring and has sold the business. This should be interesting.. They actually close on the deal on Monday.

My dog Charlie most likely has a growth of cancer but not sure unless I do an xray. I may do one cause I really like to know what's going on. He gets all bloated with fluid and a vitamin injection makes it go away. I am happy he is still around. Trying to make the best of it knowing he is ill. The vet didn't expect him to live when he seen him the first time a few months ago.

I still workout. I do a combination of going to the YMCA and working out at home.

My kids are getting old. Izzy is 24 years old and married. Alex just turned 22 years of age. He has a girlfriend who has a 7 year old daughter. She is sweet.. Stephen is 16 years old and a junior in high school. Hard to believe next year is the last year.

My turtle has gotten big. He has a 75 gallon tank now. He has finally given me the wish of letting gold fish live with him. He has two of them that been in the tank for about 6 months.

I still babysit at church.. some days I want to quit but I love the children. I want to quit cause I just want to cuddle and play with the kids. They want it to be bible class. I am just not cut out to teach children and no one listens that the lessons are not really appealing to my age group.

Well, that's about it.. nothing too exciting. Life is treating me pretty good.

Blow and throw league!!

My blow and throw league finished up tonight!! I learned last week at the beginning of the night we were in first place by one game!! Talk about pressure to do well.. I could literally cost my dart partner money if I can't do my thing... we fought for as many games as possible and we still had first place by one game..

So tonight... we played out final league night and we are not playing the people that are in second by one game but they are next to me so I am watching their games towards the end.. it was such a close call. I left before they were finished but it was looking like it could be a tie..

But!~!!! we won first place!!! I was so excited when I learned this.. I love the game. I love fighting for the win!! I love winning!!! It never dawned on me that we would pull first place. Our team name is just for fun! Well, maybe just doing it for fun is what it takes sometimes to come out of top. It was a handicapped league which gives it more of a fair fight. Most times the other teams got the handicapped against me.

Next week we have our banquet and then after that I will be on a 4 man league using hand darts. I am not as thrilled about hand darts compared to my blow gun.

Overall, I love getting out there and socializing with other people on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong. I have my friends but this is a fun way to spend the evening once a week.

Half marathon

I ran my half marathon on 9/3. It took me 2 hours and 57 minutes. I cut off about 7 minutes from last years half marathon time. I was a bit slower than I would have been had a not lost about 10 days of running due to a short illness that wasn't in my control.

It's frustrating to train so well all summer long and have to deal with that. It has sort of turned me off the idea of running for races.. I put a lot of pressure on myself to run the race no matter what.. and I mean run.. no walking.

I am not saying don't run just not sure I want to set out to make my end goal a half marathon.. However, I did look up the training guide to a full marathon.. I would love to say I ran a full marathon!! but training for a full marathon is just not ideal with a full time job.. well, that's what I tell myself.

Right now I will be aiming to get back to my fitness classes and work on the weights in the weight room.. the weight room is a place that I am not quite comfortable but I need to build some strength so I will be stronger.

Has anyone that is reading ever run a full marathon?

This week I have been lazy. I haven't ran since Friday. Going over 25 miles in 6 days just drained me and I don't think I will ever repeat that again. I can see running three days a week but four is way too much. I been doing too much sleeping in and not enough getting my workouts done in the morning when it's most likely to happen.

My friend who agreed to run the half marathon backed out on me cause not enough time to run. I was bummed and my first thought was to quit cause I feel overwhemled to get my running in.. but I don't quit. I just can't do it.

So, I will run tomorrow.. then Monday before I shop for my son for school... then after that I will wake up with my son and more likely to get out the door for my workouts. I will be missing a couple hours of sleep but I guess I can trade that in for a fitter happier me.

running

This week I bumped my running up quite a bit. I believe I set a new record for myself. In a 6 day period, between 4 runs I have ran 25 miles this week. I do best with fitness when I have a plan in mind on what I do on each day. Now that I have a planet fitness membership along with my ymca membership I need to fit in weight training so I added a 4th running day just for this week to start the new plan.

I will basically be once a week doing a long run where I increase my distance. I no longer will think of my runs in miles but in how much time I can run and divide that time in half and turn around at that point. I figure the miles will naturally come on.

I will also be doing two other runs. One will be before work so it will be limited on how far I can go.. the other run will probably be longer than the short run but not as long as the longer run. It will all depend on how I am feeling and what I have going on for the day.

I am getting excited for my half marathon. I do wish I had a little more time to build on long runs and feel like I am good at them... right now I am pretty good with anything leading up to 8 miles.. more than that and it's a challenge.

Half Marathon training

My half marathon has been moved up a bit. It turns out the biggest loser run will not happen this summer so my friend and I are signing up for another half marathon early September.. For a few minutes I was feeling like I would possibly run two half marathons this summer but that's not going to happen.

I am doing pretty well with running. My biggest hurdle is probably just finding the time and staying motivated to get it done on work mornings. I figure once school starts it will be more likely to get those runs in cause I will have to get up.

I am probably averaging two runs a week. I will like to see that be at least three miles. I can run 6 miles no sweat.. well, not really no sweat. I am pretty soaked in sweat. I can go about 8 miles too if time allows.. It's past 8 miles where I really need to get out there and get more longer runs under my belt this summer.

I ordered a couple head bands and can't wait to get them. The sweat is burning my eyes something terribly. I hope to get to the eye doctor so I can get some contacts too. Running with glasses can be a bit of a pain.

8 mile trail run

On the 4th of July, I ran a 8 mile trail run. It was about an hour drive for me. It's a whole new world out there waiting for me with me having the GPS and some confidence in myself not to get lost. If only I had a better car, more money and more time to travel.. awww.. what wishes.

I had ran this trail run once before. It was two years ago. I went with a friend but she was faster than me so I ran it by myself.

I was pretty good with my training. I had a few long runs in and many short ones too. I just once again failed to get some training in with the crazy hills.

It's a beautiful setting.





Felt great to get to mile 7. The finish line isn't too far off.. one more mile.. just one more mile.





The hills are the worst. They make me feel like I am going to throw up. It's almost physically impossible for me to run them but I ran up the majority of them.

I miss the idea of running with friends and having people cheering me on. I only have one friend that I have ran with and she does another run on the 4th of July. We are planning on running a half marathon together soon. We just don't know the date yet. It's the biggest loser run. I am looking forward to making that goal again.

Summer update

Running: I been running on average twice to three times a week. My max is 8.5 miles! I love running. My only regret is that I live where it's cold and I can't find comfort in winter running. It's horrible.. For the first time in my life..at times I am ready to walk away from this town.. if only life was so simple to pick up somewhere warm.

On the 4th of July, I am running my 8 mile trail run. I haven't ran this week because it's the time during the month where I am miserable. I am so lucky with my timing. Haha.. I don't know if I will have any one there to watch me finish the race. That's kind of depressing. However, I said I would run and I don't back out unless I feel like it's a serious medical reason to do so. I only backed out of one run and that was last summer when I was still dealing with dizzy spells after learning I am anemic. As far as I know my iron levels are ok. I get tested again in August.

I don't know when my half marathon is yet cause it hasn't been posted. I am so eager to get a date so I know how much longer I have to get the length of my runs up.

Darts: I am almost done with my 9 week dart league. It was called a remote league. So it was quite different from what I did years ago. The people we were shooting agaisnt were not in the same bar or even in the same city. We are coming in last place. But we did better than my partner expected. I have one more league left.

Sunday, I start my blow and throw league. I am really excited for it. It's been so long since I shot with my blow gun. It's going to be a normal league meaning the room with be full of like mind excited people fighting for the win. I was told the team I shoot against tomorrow is probably the best of everyone. What a way to get started.

Birch box & Girly girl post

I have never been a real girly girl. It's not due to not wanting to be one but it was more a combination of not knowing how to do the girly type of stuff and the cost that it takes to be buying all the stuff a high maintenance woman might need to acquire the look of a girly girl.

For quite sometime I been enjoying subscribing to birch box. Once a month, they charge me 10.00 for a box of samples. It can be a combo of make up, hair care products and skin products. It's sort of fun opening up the box and seeing what they sent. My only complaint is that they do send a email asking if you wanna peek or not of the products you are about to receive. I can't help but to peek.

It comes in a cute decorative box that is different each month. They come in handy for wrapping Christmas gifts.



For the record, most of the finger nail products you see didn't come from birch box but one did. I just haven't gotten around to trying it out.

I been trying to paint my nails more. I bought a dryer and it makes it easier so my nails don't smudge before they dry.. but they still chip within about 2 or 3 days. Does anyone have any suggestions on a polish or a technique that will get me more time. I would be happy with 5 days.

I worked tonight until 11 pm and I get home and open up my box. They send 5 products and even though it's late not only do I open the box but I go thru all my other boxes and play around with make up.



One of the items I got tonight was to make your eye brows thicker? Is that a cool thing or not? I pay to get my waxed! Confession time. I mostly only do that because I have dark hair and grow hair on my upper lip and it makes me feel very uneasy.. So I go in and ask for my eye brows and whisper in a quieter voice to do my lip too.

I also used an eye liner from another box and lip gloss. It's after midnight and I am playing with make up. There is some of the stuff that I just don't use after trying it or not at all even. I recently gave some of it away as a gift at a retreat and it went over well. I know I can go on birch box website and rate the items. I probably should do that then cause I think they will get to know what you like or don't like.

I have yet to get anything that I just had to go order the product. but it is fun to play with. I hear there is similar companies out there. Anyone know of them and if they are any good.

my grandbaby

It's been good getting to see my grand daughter again. I probably will see her almost weekly. My son needs rides to see her and I will do my best to support him in getting there. She is a doll.. So cute. I just love her so much. She looks so much like my son. It got tossed in my lap to throw her a first birthday party. So, I got to try to keep it a little lower key than the baby shower. Since, she is a summer baby we can do a party outside.

Here is a few pictures from the last couple weeks.

Nice day for a bike ride

I just love summer. I love getting out of the house into the fresh air and sunshine. Today, my son and I took the bikes on my bike rack and took them for a ride. It's the funniest things that make me think of my ex husband. It was so hard to get my bike on the rack. I don't have a clue how it's done and I guess my son doesn't know either. It's the girl bike that makes it a challenge. We did get them up there but right when we got home my son's bike fell off. This isn't an admit of missing him but is a admit on how sometimes it's only human I guess not to appreciate all the little things a husband or wife does for us on a daily basis. I actually don't recall my bike going on the rack that often. Mostly, I would run and my son and husband would ride along side me.

We went about 7 miles. I think what I love best about being outdoors is the hot son beating down on me. I love the warmth. I love being a little sweaty. It's just so calming and peaceful outdoors.

I am still training for my runs. I have the trail run in a about a month. The half marathon date has been changed cause now it turns out the Biggest Loser Run is coming to my town and my friend wants to run it in town. I am actually bugged by this decision.

I was really looking forward to going to Chicago to run it. I thought it would be a fun experience to hang out with my running buddy. Plus we don't even know the date of the run here in town. I love the August date.. I know it's still going to be warm. I just not into cooler weather and running. I don't want the run to be too sooon.. so hoping it's not too far past the August run.

darts

I am in my 4th week of darts. We suck pretty bad. Tonight, we only won one game. However, my average is going up. It's just that we play against really good people. My dart partner told me that they guy that is going to be my partner for my blow and throw league knows me from the game room days and remembers my nick name bunnyluv.. It's so funny.. Guess I had forgotten all about that.

I do enjoy shooting darts again. It's fun to get out and have the competition.

Sorry I haven't posted any pictures of my grand baby. I promise I will try to do it soon.

Visit with my grand baby

I did get to see my grandbaby on Sunday. She is 8 months old now but going on 16 years of age. Her Mom says she is pretty independent and doesn't want to be carried all day.

She is a Momma's girl that is for sure. We visited for an hour and half. It was pretty cool. It was so nice to see and hold my sweet grand daughter.

I will post pictures over the weekend when I have more time. I am supposed to go again on Sunday. Ideally, I would like to go twice a month but it's possible it will be more to help my son get there to see her.

I am so excited!!! I am actually gonna see my grandbaby!!! I hope this is one of many visits and things get better with the family. I wish my grand baby wasn't from a broken family especially right from the start but what can I say?? I will try to post pictures later.

Marathon training

I have started my training for my 8 mile trail run and 1/2 marathon. I don't run in the winter so this is usually the time I get started.

When I set out on a run I don't always have a plan on how far I will run. It all depends on my time available to run and just how I am feeling. I ended up running 7 miles today. It's only the second time this season that I have ran. The first time was 4 miles.

I am pretty impressed that I was able to make it the 7 miles. One more mile and I will be where I need to be at for the trail run.

I know running can be rough on my joints and my body.. but I just love it so much. I love running outdoors. I am an oddball. I love the sun beating down on me. I love being around other runners and noticing them. I feel if they can do it. I can do it. I just love taking in the view. Today, I seen a lady riding her bike with a dog in the basket.

Where I run quite a bit of my view is the river. It doesn't get much better than that.

On Sunday, I will run with my girlfriend Leah. We will do the half marathon together. I am looking forward to it.

First night of darts

I had my first night of dart leagues in about ten years. It was pretty fun! We played 11 games.. There was cricket and some 01 games. We won 3 games out of 11. I am pretty proud of that number. It's a handicapped league but since I haven't played we didn't get any marks when I was playing. I took one game that I played by myself. It was a 01 game. My friend took another 01 game. The last game was 701 and I thru the winning dart. It's funny when we would actually win. It's like we surprised ourselves.
I am glad I decided to join. I had to rush dinner a bit and clean up the kitchen after I got home but overall darts only lasted an hour.

What I find so different is the boards and how it's a remote league. We shot against people that were not even in our own state. We could see each other on a camera on the board. That's pretty cool.

I had fun but I do think I like it the old fashioned way better where there are a room full of people battling for the wins. We get 3.00 per win so for our team we earned 9.00 back of the money we had to pay.

Today, I went to the bar and practiced shooting darts with my son and also the girl I will be playing with on Tuesday night. I didn't shoot all that well but shocked to see is that my son with very little experience can shoot pretty good. It makes me happy that there is something I can at times do with him.

The girl I am shooting with I have known a long time. I used to play on the same league with her years ago. I haven't had much contact with her until recently. I am excited to have something to do other than workout and the occasional outing with my friends. She mentioned to me that a guy who also goes way back was pretty shocked to see me and wasn't quite sure if it was me or not.

They referred to me as "bunny" I was a bit confused but then I remember the guy she was talking about raises bunnies and I was crazy about bunnies so I am sure we talked "bunnies" I am thinking my nick name in the board was "bunny" haha.. I really don't remember that but why else would they call me bunny.

Tueday, we shoot a double match so that will be about 4 hours of darts. I am looking forward to how that goes.

The dart boards are new. I am not always technical advanced but I figured out how to run the board and how to follow the game. I am pretty proud of myself on that one. I was told that these boards allow you to play others from other areas of the country but I didn't realize that some of the teams we are playing won't actually be in the room or in my state. Isn't technology just wonderful? I do wonder how does that prevent others from cheating.

Edit.. to say my friend's husband reminded her why someone would call me bunny. My nick name on the board was bunnyluv. I had a bunny named Luv! Feels like a lifetime ago.

I am pretty content with life right now. I am happy with my relationship. It's not perfect but then who's relationship really is. We been working together trying to get my house and yard in shape. It's coming along but needs more work. Today, we hired someone to do our yard work. They really did a good job.

Tomorrow, I am going to practice shooting darts for a league that starts on Tuesday. I am pretty excited about it. It's been about ten years since I gave it up. I will be in one league where I use regular hand darts and come June in another league where I use a blow gun. I am most excited about the blow gun league.

I am looking forward to getting out and having a good time. We actually will be shooting a double the first night so lots of games. Hopefully, I will get the hang of the new machines. It blows my mind how one can actually shoot darts against someone far away. I don't think that would be as fun though.

I have a couple exciting runs coming up. On July 4th, I will be meeting up with a friend to do a 8 mile trail run. I done it once before. I know my friend will leave me cause she runs faster. I am okay with that. Especially since I know what to expect this time.

On August 20th, I will run a half Marathon in Chicago with another friend. I know her from the YMCA. She ran the last few miles with me when I did the half last summer. We will drive there the night before and get a room.. run the half Marthon and then shower and come home. This is pretty cool. I want to see the world. I have never been to Chicago before. I am really looking forward to it. This friend won't leave me. We will stay together.

I haven't done much running lately though. I don't run in the winter. I just do my fitness classes. I am excited to get started. I think I will do that on Sunday.. Just get it done in the morning before I get too busy.

I may use this blog to write about my darts and running. I don't have much to say about adoption these days.

My biggest struggle with adoption is the struggle that is going on with my son and him being able to see his baby. He got to see her today and asked me if I wanted to go with him on Sunday. I told him we will see. I hate getting my hopes up and it getting canceled. I get so depressed and being told I can't see my grand baby triggers some deep sadness and I just don't wanna keep doing that. I then feel bad because it's really not about me. It's about my son and how he is being denied his rights to his child.

I am in a much better place than I was when my step daughter's baby was born. I remember just the birth and visiting her in the hospital brought up so much sadness and deep depression. I had nothing but happy thoughts when my grandbaby was born. I really hope the sitution gets better so my son can be a Dad and the baby will know she has family that loves her.

Triggers

Mother's day was a huge trigger for me. It was full of reminders of what I am missing from my life.

My daughter. I get little contact on facebook but nothing much. Facebook is a blessing and a curse at the same time. I see she is doing well and I love that. She is an very interesting girl and has some fun hobbies. She is beautiful. I think she has some emotional problems based on her size. Hope someday she gets that under control for her heatlh.

The down side is that facebook relationship is only superficial. There isn't any real connections between us right now. I get to see how she sent her Mom chocolate and flowers but not even a Happy Mother's day is sent to me.

I was supposed to see my grand baby but my son was given the run around so I have yet to see her since she was about 2 months old. I learned that I wasn't going to see her when I was at my retreat. It made me so upset that I cried. I am not one to cry in front of my friends. I just want to see my grand baby. I don't like that my son is being kept from his daughter.

Lastly, I just don't have much of a relationship with my Mom. Most of the time if I don't call her I don't hear from her. It seemed like things got better for a while but back to the same old thing. I am not sure if it's me or her.

So over all. It was a very emotionally triggering couple days for me. I can only be strong for so long. I am glad the holiday and all the commercials are done with.. See ya later Mother's day.

I did some thinking about my retreat. I feel a bit like a scam artist when it comes to going to a retreat for special needs mom's. My son is doing pretty good. I think the retreat is becoming more as a weekend that is free to low cost so I can hang out with my friends that I met at the retreat..

Maybe that's cause we have connections outside of the retreat and I no longer feel like kind of need. However, the retreat for birthmom's met a need that I just can't get in my local area. I don't know any other birthmom's in real life. I can't sit and talk about things that they understand. I hope to make it next year.

retreat

The pictures below show me on my way out to a retreat. I tried to do a quick blog post from my phone while I was away but the text didn't show up.
What I wrote is how I am loving my new found independence of being able to get a rental car and take myself out on a trip. I don't need a man to drive me. It's nice to have the company of a guy sometimes but it doesn't make or break my trip as far as me leaving town.

I went to Galena Illinois for a retreat for Mom's with special needs children. I had a really nice time but it's always nice to get back home.

Now from an birthmother's perspective they always tend to give props to all kinds of Mom's... Mom's, foster mom's, adoptive Mom's, step Mom's.. notice birthmother's don't get the props.. Now I know they are talking about the day to day hardships that Mom's go thru so I guess it's only natural to skip out on birthmom's..

But... but... come on... how can you mention adoptive parents or foster parents and not mention birthmother's?? I know. We took the easy way out. We don't wipe their butts or noses or get up in the middle of night.

Why should birthmom's be mentioned. We choose life! Birthmom's choose to continue a pregnancy knowing they couldn't raise their child. Maybe, it's not as big as a deal as being "mom" everyday but without the birthmom's choose life.. there would be no child to wipe noses, kiss good night, wake up in the middle night. So no birthmom choosing life.. no child to be needing to be taken care of.. but who cares right? It's just nine months and giving life.. no big deal.

Guess I am in a crappy mood.

Birthmother's day

Today is birthmother's day. Did you know that?

I don't care much for birthmother's day. I never heard of it until I got into blogging. I have never had anyone outside of blogging say anything about it.. except at the retreat. I read that it was created to give birthmom's their own special day to celebrate. I personally don't feel like being a birthmom for me is a reason to celebrate. I have never been proud of it. I know some birthmom's may take offense to how I feel. But I didn't choose adoption. It was forced on me. I can't say one way or another if I would have led to choosing adoption if I had been giving my chances to explore my options.

new adventures

I was asked to join a dart league besides the league I already signed up for. I don't know why I struggled so badly with the decision to do it or not. I used to shoot darts with my first husband and enjoyed it. I got out of darts shortly after our divorce. Darts was more his thing but I do miss the competition.

I had a hard time deciding to commit to the hand darts because it would mean for a few weeks I would be playing twice weekly. I get to thinking about the money. If I feel like I have to struggle to have the dart money then I know darts won't be fun for me. I am really excited about blow gun. I wasn't feeling the excitement of hand darts.. I did feel a little pressure to join but the longer the day went on the more I kept thinking about playing.

Time is a big issue for me. I work full time. I strive to workout 4 to 5 times a week. Sometimes, that is fitting in 45 minutes of a class before work. I do majority of the cooking because home cooked meals is important to me. I don't want to get lazy and not have time to cook.

Lastly but not least at all.. my concern is my youngest son. Now that I work full time and I don't always have someone home with him he spends some evenings on his own. He has been doing a pretty good job but I feel bad. I don't like him having to eat alone or eating frozen dinners. Some nights more than not.. I have leftovers that he can heat up. So if I play darts twice a week that is twice a week I am either away from him or bringing him with me. Then, it's not really the same as a "night out" If I have to wear my "mom" hat. I already have a lot of guilt over not always being there or having the free time or cash to do things with him.

I feel guilty about the money. I don't know why but when I spend money these days I feel bad about it. No one has ever made me feel this way. Most of the stuff I am feeling bad about isn't stuff I really need but want. Nothing really majorly expensive. I just recently bought a hand dryer for painting my finger nails.

My biggest reason for committing to this league is because I really need to get out there and be around other people. I have my couple friends but I don't know why but mostly when woman get together we go eat. It's not totally a bad thing because people got to eat. I just am looking forward to being around other adults competing.

A handful of these people is part of the old crowd from when I was shooting darts before. I think there is a part of me that is nervous stepping back into the game. I imagine some nights I will have to go by myself and fear not fitting in. I have never been one to have many friends. I don't want to sit there feeling like I am not part of the crowd.

birthmom's retreat

I missed the annual birthmom's retreat. I really wanted to go again. It was just an amazing experience. I had never been in a place with other birthmom's not to mention tons of them.. It was a really emotional experience for me. I just hadn't had the chance to really share my story in person with other women who have lived simliar life experiences as mine.

I thought I would repost my experience from the retreat. I hope to get to go next year. It just wasn't possible this year. Go here

I am taking a trip for a retreat for Mom's with special needs children. This will be a nice time too.

Check out my other blog

I am liking getting back into writing. Check out my other blog. It's just random stuff. nothing exciting. Go here.

I have a blog where I post recipes too if anyone is interested in that let me know.

Q&A time

Sometimes, it's fun to give my readers a chance to ask me questions and I will answer them. Please feel free to ask questions adoption or not. I will answer them to the best of my ability. Just leave a comment.

Today, was supposed to be the day I see my grand baby but her Mom canceled cause the baby is sick and had to go to the ER. My son knows that baby is sick so not a lie.. However, my son needs to get a back bone and assert his authority as the baby's father. Hopefully, my grand baby is okay and canceling the visit doesn't become something that happens often.

As of right now he can come out 3 nights a week to see the baby for 3 hours.

baby!!!

I haven't seen my grand baby in quite sometime.. Between the courts and maybe a change of heart of the family my son is now allowed to see her. I got some cute pictures and videos of her sent to me yesterday while my son was visiting with her. I also got a phone call from the girl's dad saying I can visit.. We can only see the baby under the supervision of the Mom.. That is part of the court order. I am hoping with time that can change down the road.. but for now we will take what we can get.

I will be driving him today to see her. I am so excited to see her. She has gotten so big. Time doesn't stop just cause grown ups can't get their act together. I am sure there has been many firsts that have been lost. However, I know the best thing is just to move forward and love her in the here and now.

My son has a new girlfriend. I like her but I am not getting overly excited about her. When my son seemed serious about his baby's Mom I really took a liking to her. I suppose I am always chasing that daughter/mom relationship thing. She didn't have a Mom so it was the perfect situation.. or so I thought.

With this new girlfriend, I am not jumping head first thinking anything to serious. We shall see where it goes. I been telling him since the last baby shower.. no baby shower unless he is married.. So really hoping if he has anymore children he knows she is the one for him. She is a Mom too. Her daughter looks a bit older but not by much.. So hopefully they can support each other in the sense that they are raising children from previous relationships.

I had a really hard winter and for the first time since I started losing weight I have to admit that I had a slip up where I allowed myself to get off my game and gain about 10 to 15 pounds. I am determined that I will get that weight off by doing what I know what works for me.. It's such a huge pain in the ass though. But I refuse to let all my hard work go to waste..

I am trying not to weigh myself everyday anymore. I don't think it's a healthy way to start every single day. I aim to do it 2 to 3 times a week. I am satisfied with that amount. I never want to not weigh myself and really slip up bad. I refuse to live in denial.

I have my workout routine pretty solid. I mostly go to the YMCA for body combat and body pump.. There are a couple days of the week I have to cut the class short but I squeeze my workout in where I can get them in. I don't do it for anyone but myself. I don't feel good if I don't get them in.

I have to get better control of my eating habits. They are not super horrible but I need to get more serious about the logging of my calories and that is so much work.. It's a huge project to know how many calories are in a meal that the whole family is eating. I have done it before so I can do it again.

I know some people look at fat people and judge them. I try not to be that way. One never knows what kind of life they have lived to get to that point or where they are at in life in general. I am a little bit of a social butterfly. I talk to others and I am not afraid to open my mouth if I hear something that I can add to.

Today, this big woman weighed herself and said down the first 10 pounds. She was probably my starting weight or more. I don't guess well. I told her great work and told her a little bit about my story of how I lost the weight. I could really relate to her when she mentioned the food addictions. I told her how I did it slow and I just took one day at a time and got the weight off.. I mentioned some of my little tricks to avoid the mindless eating when not hungry. I reminded her that she didn't gain weight over night and won't lose it overnight. That's a lesson that anyone trying to lose weight really needs to hear.

I met another lady that asked me what workouts I do and when I mentioned running and how I ran a half marathon. She was pretty impressed. She said how she doesn't like to run but has done it some to cheer her friends on.

I most likely will being doing some runs.. I am most likely sadly admitting skipping the color run.. It's not that I don't wanna do it. I don't want to spend the money for a 5k run.. Plus, just not really sure I want to face that first race without someone waiting for me at the finish line.

I am going to sign up for a 8 mile trail one. It's a little cheaper and will have a greater sense of pride upon finishing it. I hope to do another half marathon too.. Although, I fear the trail run and the Biggest Loser Run will be really close in dates.

My Ex and I ended on such bad terms that we are no longer friends nor do we talk anymore. It's for the best for me. I can't speak for him. I have been following his blog because I can't help but be curious if he makes his trip or not. I wish him all the best. He has been gone for about two weeks now and it's kind of cool to see that he is actually making this bike trip. I thought I would share his blog with others to read. Go here.

It's the last I will mention him cause talking about him or my divorce isn't the direction for this blog.

Filbert

Meet Filbert! He is an aquatic turtle who has me trained. He wasn't looking too good in his 40 gallon tank. He wasn't eating at all. My boyfriend and I went to the pet store shortly after he moved in with me and we both chipped in money for a 75 gallon tank. He is loving having more room to swim and basking in his sun.

Your probably wondering how he has trained me. He decided he doesn't eat turtle pellets anymore. He mostly just eats cooked chicken. Yes. I cook chicken for the turtle. He has a couple gold fish that live with him and if he chases them then I run and get chicken. It's a good arrangement. My wish is to have a couple fat goldfish that share his tank.

I learned how to get the ads back on my blog so I am looking forward to getting earning money again by writing.

Hey all. Anyone still read this. I have a computer at home again so if the urge to write strikes you will hear from me. I don't know what direction this blog will really take though.

I don't have much more to add about adoption.. I think I have wrote all I can write about it without sounding like a broken record. Maybe I have finally found some peace.. as much peace as I feel possible for me.

My reunion with my daughter has sort of went sour.. We just don't have much more contact besides facebook these days.. I don't get to see her when she comes to town. She ignores my requests to see her. I have no choice to accept it for what it is. However, every since I canceled one facebook page and created another one.. i hear more from her on the new account.. I guess I just have to take what she is offering to give and be waiting for me if it ever comes. \

Due to divorce I lost my step daughter and grand daughter. It was pretty much my decision. I choose to walk away from all of my ex's family. I never felt like my relationship with my step daughter was real. My grand daughter was here with her Dad but as far as I know the plan is for her to go live with her Mom so easier to cut ties now.

I am still working on my fitness goals.. I have to admit I gained a few pounds during the winter and my divorce. I won't let this get me down. I know I can get the weight back off. I just got to put the work back into it. It's finally getting nice here. I hope to run a couple races this summer.

I am in a pretty happy place in my life right now. I will try to post more often.

Forgiveness

I don't get along with my Mom well.. It's not that we fight or anything.. but I seriously can't sit at a table with her without someone else.. The last time I did that I was so miserable. I said I would never do it again. It's odd that it felt that way because a few years ago we took a 12 hour road trip to see my sister in Tennessee.
I don't recall that being awkward or uncomfortable at all.. I suppose it could been the open road, travel anxiety and music that distracted me.

I don't know if forgiveness is the "elephant" in the room when I am alone with Mom. I honestly don't know if I can ever completely forgive her for her actions during my childhood and lastly the adoption of my daughter and how she handled it. I have never really had a conversation with her about my daughter. It has always been swept under the wrong. I know from my family that she will shut down if Izzy is mentioned to her.

Suppose some day I maybe ready to forgive her but today just isn't the day.

My happenings

Izzy was here in town remodeling a house that they got when her husband's parents died... I tried to see her but I was ignored.. I know they had a lot of their plate but it just stinks so bad. I just so badly want to be in her life and all I get his a facebook view of it.. sort of just being allowed to look thru the window but no really contact.

It's better than nothing I suppose. I just hope and pray some day there will be more to our relationship than passing by each other on facebook here and now.. I do have more interactions with her on there now that I closed my main account down and started a private one. I really believe she had me blocked.. well not me blocked but hid my status from her feed cause she was really out of the loop on my life the last time we met in person.

She was thrilled that I was divorcing my husband. I guess she never liked him.. most people have been thrilled with it.

My son had his day in court. She was rewarded full custody and he was given rights to visit but only under her supervision.. Better than nothing but why does it seem like my family is doomed to never have any girls in our lives? My son does have a new girlfriend but I haven't met her yet. She is the same age and had a young daughter herself. Hopefully she will be good for him.. My son moved out again about a month ago.

I got big news!!! I am in love again!!! My coworker and I hit it off.. My work and everybody knows about it and they were happy and even said they were hoping that would happen. I know it was fast but one can't control when and who you fall in love with. He really is an amazing guy. Can't wait to see what the future holds out for us.

What's up with me??

I can't believe it's been so long since I updated this blog. I enjoy writing and totally miss it. There has been a lot of changes going one little problem with blogging is that I don't have internet at home anymore.. I am finding that overall I don't miss it much. It's something I will want again sometime when I can afford it but for right now I am content with what I have.

Some changes in my life I am just not ready to speak of yet so I will leave that for another day.

Maybe you recall that my husband and I were planning a divorce coming up and he was going to leave in April.

Well, things got so ugly at my house and I know I am not an innocent party in that he decided to move sooner. He has been gone since Jan 16th and our divorce was final on the 19th. It's a huge relief to get that part of my life over with..

It was up in the air if we would part as friends but some recent events has made me want to cut him out of my life all the way. I will be turning off my normal facebook account and a friend is helping set up a private one for me.. Even though I won't accept a friend invite he still tags me in posts and seems to be following my where abouts.

Another huge thing going on is that my son has not been allowed to see his daughter. It really tugs at me heart. He moved in to my house late October and just about a month ago got a part time job. I don't believe he is trying to pay child support to her.. However, there is a court date coming up next month for support so I am hoping some visitation rights will also be be set up.

My relationship with my daughter is still just not what I wish it to be.. she did however finally give me her phone number after I told her I was getting rid of facebook which is mostly our only contact besides the occasional visit when she is in town.. I only get that if I ask for it. If I choose to let her come to me then it just doesn't happen.

I am still working full time. I am doing the best I can with making ends meet.. I am probably doing much better that expected. The only issue is that I have zero money for the unexpected.

I had to share half of my tax refund so luckily I got that in time to get my house payment paid after paying for a car repair. My goal is to start saving whatever I can so I don't have major problems.

Sorry it's been so long since I wrote and hope to update sooner.