Monday, May 9, 2016


Mother's day was a huge trigger for me. It was full of reminders of what I am missing from my life.

My daughter. I get little contact on facebook but nothing much. Facebook is a blessing and a curse at the same time. I see she is doing well and I love that. She is an very interesting girl and has some fun hobbies. She is beautiful. I think she has some emotional problems based on her size. Hope someday she gets that under control for her heatlh.

The down side is that facebook relationship is only superficial. There isn't any real connections between us right now. I get to see how she sent her Mom chocolate and flowers but not even a Happy Mother's day is sent to me.

I was supposed to see my grand baby but my son was given the run around so I have yet to see her since she was about 2 months old. I learned that I wasn't going to see her when I was at my retreat. It made me so upset that I cried. I am not one to cry in front of my friends. I just want to see my grand baby. I don't like that my son is being kept from his daughter.

Lastly, I just don't have much of a relationship with my Mom. Most of the time if I don't call her I don't hear from her. It seemed like things got better for a while but back to the same old thing. I am not sure if it's me or her.

So over all. It was a very emotionally triggering couple days for me. I can only be strong for so long. I am glad the holiday and all the commercials are done with.. See ya later Mother's day.

I did some thinking about my retreat. I feel a bit like a scam artist when it comes to going to a retreat for special needs mom's. My son is doing pretty good. I think the retreat is becoming more as a weekend that is free to low cost so I can hang out with my friends that I met at the retreat..

Maybe that's cause we have connections outside of the retreat and I no longer feel like kind of need. However, the retreat for birthmom's met a need that I just can't get in my local area. I don't know any other birthmom's in real life. I can't sit and talk about things that they understand. I hope to make it next year.

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